What are some ideas for neighbors to help a neighbor diagnosed with cancer?

[2bearsmom]

Our young neighbor was diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer, they have a little baby and we just don't know what to offer them....do we make meals for them? Get them gift cards for the local grocery store/gas/restaurants? Offer to walk the dog or babysit? She is under going chemo. I've been sick so we have not talked to them or seen them since we found out, two weeks ago. We are all in shock. Any advice would be so appreciated!

 

[indimom]

Our young neighbor was diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer, they have a little baby and we just don't know what to offer them....do we make meals for them? Get them gift cards for the local grocery store/gas/restaurants? Offer to walk the dog or babysit? She is under going chemo. I've been sick so we have not talked to them or seen them since we found out, two weeks ago. We are all in shock. Any advice would be so appreciated!

I think any of those ideas would be great ones. This is going to be a very difficult time for your neighbors, especially with a little one. I would take a gift of a meal or the gift cards over and tell them that you are willing to help them out in any way you can - babysitting or caring for their dog, etc. I don't know how close you all are, but maybe you could just stop over from time to time, do a few dishes, fold some laundry while visiting for a short while, mow the lawn, rake leaves, whatever you can to help out. I'm sure they would appreciate anything and everything. I can't imagine going through something like this while trying to care for an infant.
I think it's wonderful that you want to help out, you sound like a fantastic neighbor.

 

[2bearsmom]

Thanks for your input, we aren't friends type neighbors like we are with a couple of the others, but we aren't exactly hi/bye neighbors either. I have two young ones and I can't even begin to imagine what they are going through and with an infant. Some of the neighbors wanted to get a collection going to get them meals on wheels for a few months...we just weren't sure if that would be considered more like over stepping, not knowing if that was something they would want....I thought about the gas GC, knowing they are traveling for chemo. If anyone has dealt with this type of situation, what would you recommend? What really helped you through this? I was going to make something but I didn't know if there were any dietery restrictions...

 

[golfgal]

Since you have been sick and have little ones, it might not be best if you visited her BUT are you an organized person? Maybe you could offer to organize other volunteer efforts so they aren't inundated with phone calls, visitors, etc. Maybe you can set up a system where she hangs a sign on the door if she is up to having visitors and if not they can drop stuff at your house instead? It is VERY tiring having to have visitors all day.

I don't know if she can get the "official" meals on wheels but if someone puts together a schedule they can have neighbors and friends take turns making meals. If you get 20 or 30 people to do this, no one has to do it very often and if you can keep an email system or a webpage of what everyone is bringing they won't end up with lasagna 5 nights in a row.

 

[pixie dust 112]

Offer to run errands for her. Ask her if you can do her grocery shopping for her.

 

[chloelovesdisney]

Offer to run errands for her. Ask her if you can do her grocery shopping for her.

I agree, helping once in a while with errands can be a big help.

Also taking the dog out to get some exercise and watching the baby while your neighbor goes to her appointments or just needs to take a nap would be HUGELY helpful.

 

[abdmom]

My husband was diagnosed with terminal cancer shortly after our third was born.

DON'T ask them to let you know if they need anything. They don't know what they need. In many ways, they can't even think straight now.

DO set up a cleaning service or babysitting service for them. These were much more appreciated than delivered meals. Many of the free meals that were sent to us ended up in the trash because a) they got freezer burn by the time I thought to defrost them or b) they had ingredients that my children or I disliked or c) we just had too much food given to us at once.

DO ask for a grocery list and do the shopping for them.

DO take the kids out of the house/have them play with other kids in the neighborhood.

DO remember that helping out for the first month or so and then stopping will just make them feel that everyone has a) forgotten them, b) think they should be fully recovered by now. If you do something, do it long term, even if they protest that you've done enough.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

That is terrible news.

I am helping out my sister/BIL right now as they are caring for the MIL who is terminal with cancer. She moved into my sister's the beginning of July. Also SIL broke her ankle in a car accident so she is there as well recovering from surgery.

Everyone in the extended families are pitching in to help them.

I know that in the beginning cooking was something we were over there doing because they had a lot of people coming and going and the adjustment was hard. It took several weeks before my sister could even really eat a meal, she was so stressed.

She knew that guests coming over would be fed. We took care of that.

Now she has that under control and the things we do are minor, like errands and lots of "I need to bounce this off of you".

My dh is taking car of finding a car to replace the one totalled in the wreck and selling another car they have.

I think giving out your cell number to them and getting their phone number is probably a good thing. I mean before you go to the grocery store you can call and say "Hey, do you need something? I am running to the store."

 

[OK!]

I don't know if this'd be good for everybody, but one thing I did for my mom's best friend when she started undergoing chemo was knit a few hats for her. I used the softest yarn I could find (it was a couple of different strands at once; one was a super-soft eyelash yarn) and she LOVED them. She never used to get cold easily but that all changed once she started treatment and she really appreciated the extra warmth.

 

[jx3smom]

I am undergoing my second bout with "c" and on oral chemo, not as bad as last year. Things I would have appreciated were meals, homemade soups, etc. I was not well enough to go out to dinner. I also appreciated the cards that I received. They meant a lot to me. Little care packages were also appreciated with things like hand lotion, stuff for dry lips, tissues, some candies, a book and book mark, magazines, stuff like that.

 

[Amelia Peabody]

A friend of mine was diagnosed with cancer and as the disease progressed her needs changed. Then again, she lived alone. Also assuming your neighbor is female.

These are some things I did with/for her:
pet care
bathroom cleaning
gardening
snow removal
ran errands
picked out and decorated a Christmas tree
watched movies
read a book while she napped
helped give out Halloween candy
a neighbor actually brought her harp and played for her
secretly folded hotel corners on the toilet paper in all bathrooms - made her

It doesn't have to be a lot. Maybe ask to come over and be prepared with a list of suggestions. Then ask their opinion. Maybe family will be doing more personal care things, but pet care is daily and a big item. Changing the decorations as seasons come and go while she directs is good. Not too much of a commitment time wise, but a good companionship visit. She can give as much input as she feels able to.

Sometimes just sitting in the house reading while the spouse gets some away time to get refreshed is welcome. Or actually reading to the invalid the old fashioned way is quite pleasant.

Do be prepared for a change in yourself. I was not that close to my friend but as we shared the journey together ( and I was NOT the main helper ) she claimed a big chunk of my heart. I realized it was happening and the pain it would cause ( she was told maybe three months, but hung on for thirteen- even appearing on stage in our theater group about month five ), but it was worth it.

One more thought - offer suggestions ( Would you like chrysanthemums planted out front? Yes? Here are the colors I saw at the store, what do you like? I'll put a lawn chair out by the garden and you tell me where you want them.) Give her as much control over things as possible.

 

[MEG&MINNIE]

At worked we cooked for a co-worker and family. We printed out a blank calender for the month and filled in the meals we would make only on M-W-F. I think there was always enough for leftovers. If you do cook for them , ask what it is that they like and dislike. Also, gift certificates to local resturants that have "take -out" meals is a great option, too ! That way they can order what they like , when they'd like !
I'm sure your neighbor will appreciate everything that you'll do for her and her family !

 

[GaSleepingBeautyFan]

Here are some things my sister liked while she was going thru her bouts with cancer:

Putting flowers in pots on her front porch and watering them - she would go out and sit on the porch and loved seeing the colors.

Dropping off movies and picking them up - alot of people loaned her movies from their collection so she got to enjoy many different types.

Taking her son out - to a movie, over to a friends house, to his Scout meetings. Just the normal things that she couldn't do so maybe babysit her baby when she goes to Chemo or at set up a babysitting co-op so several people would be available to do it.

Put together a binder with take out menus: She is very picky about food so didn't want people to make her food but she loved the take out menus for the nights she was too exhausted to cook. One person even gave her son minor cooking lessons and supplies so he could make spaghetti and macaroni and basic ground beef tacos for them. (he was 10).

Phone calls asking if she needed anything since you were heading to the grocery store anyway.

Just a few ideas that would help.

 

[Disneyadore]

First go there and let them know you will be there when needed.
Don't make a fuss. The first few weeks you live in total strange world.
Many many people will offer there help but along the path she will have to walk the help will get less. The chemo will get hold of her every time and after a few weeks months ask her again if you can help. Don't offer good ideas like eat more veggies,drink that kind of tea. That drove me nuts.

Treat her a a normal person and not like some one who's walking in her last shoes. I know sounds harsh but as a cancer patient you have to suffer more from those that come to visit you,ask how you are doing and then start the famous sentence :"I know,but I had an uncle,niece......... and then you get the most horrible stories how those persons died in pain and misery.
It is a very difficult time for here but talk about the future ,be optimistic and help only when needed.

 

[emer95]

You've been given a lot of good ideas. I just wanted to say bless you, for being such a caring, giving person. I'm sure just having you there, willing to help will mean so much to them.
I wish the best for your neighbor.

 

[Jen414]

You might try using http://www.carecalendar.org/. It's sort of like a google calendar where you can keep track of what different people have volunteered to do. The father of a boy in my class two years ago passed away very unexpectly, and this was how people kept track of who was doing what.

 

[WhateverLolaWants]

My mother anonymously sent grocery gift cards to her friend during his final years. My father has been sick on and off for 3 years and our neighbors have surprised us with mowing our lawn and snow removal in the winter.

 

[luvmarypoppins]

First off I think you are a wonderful neighbor for wanting to help.

Last year I was on the cancer coaster and then some. My church family organized the meals. It was done by one lady and our schedule was:
Monday - chicken
Wednesday - beef
Friday - Italian

I had a cooler on my porch that they left it in. Honestly I didnt want people visiting me. I liked to be quiet, slept a lot and spent a lot of time in my pjs.

Also as others had said, be specific - like we would like to do the lawn/leaves every other sat etc.

If anyone could drive her to chemo that would be great as well as helping with childcare.

I didnt want anyone volunteering to help with housework as I felt I would have to get dressed and the noise of the vacuum itself almost made my head split.

Also as others have said - just say I am going to the store- what do you need?

I would have liked someone to talk to more but I think with me everyone knew it was hard physically for me to talk as the cancer was in my neck and affected my voice, but a listening ear is always good and I loved getting cards too. Sometimes people sent flowers with the food.

Chemo totally affects your appetite and taste so ask what they would like for sure. I had radiation so mine was different.

Maybe make up a chemo bag - warm hat, warm socks, soft blanket, lip balm,magazine, water bottle etc. etc.

Also as another poster said - dont send stuff or say stuff about treatments etc. Some guy sent me something about asparagus paste. O.K. Him I forgave as his wife has cancer too but that would probably not go over well etc.

Wishing her all the best.

 

[dislal]

When my dad was going for his Chemo treatments a few people sent my parents gas gift card or just cash and it was so helpful to them.to you for wanting to help.

 

[clh2]

My BIL was being treated for a cancer, and for most of the summer, had radiation every M-F, and chemo on Monday. Monday was a day from heck.

Oddly enough, a neighbor in their subdivision also had recently been treated for a very similar cancer.

The neighborhood developed a "mowing/yard work/snow removal" schedule for both families. (The other one was being treated in winter.)

Each family had a hot meal on the chemo/radiation day. Every week. I do not know if there was a list of "what you were sending over". Throughout the rest of the week - neighbors would drop off meals that might need to be heated up, or "fussed with a little bit". The chemo day - it was "ready to go".

The neighbors were also fabulous with taking my niece and nephew (they were 12 and 13) to activities, i.e. soccer, to friend's houses, to doctor's appointments if needed etc. One particular day, my niece spent the whole day with a neighbor, doing "girly" things. That neighbor had 2 grown sons, but loved the "girls-day".