Well, I need some advice....kid related

[mudnuri]

well, I think it's obvious not everyone read the other posts.

He has made "great strides". He helped us put the tree up, he wrapped DD9's presents while i wrapped DD8's he went shopping etc. We will be spending christmas day at Okemo skiing, so I wont 'force' my christmas onto him, etc.

To say that he needs to suck it up is pretty mean I think.

I also think that DD9 can handle as much as i will tell her, she may press for more, and if she does i will sugar coat it, i certainly wont say "his x left for some other guy that day" give me a little bit of credit.
But I will tell her that he had a very sad christmas day a few years ago, and he just hasnt had a reason to celebrate since then, and now that he does he needs to "relearn" the happiness of the holidays.

C.Ann I'm sorry this happened to your DH way back when, it's just like you to stick by his side and help him overcome it. I'm sure the holidays were a favorite part of his life with you after he did.....hugs to you this holiday season!

Brandy

 

[AnaheimGirl]

But I will tell her that he had a very sad christmas day a few years ago, and he just hasnt had a reason to celebrate since then, and now that he does he needs to "relearn" the happiness of the holidays.

That is an excellent way to put it!

 

[Bob Slydell]

well, I think it's obvious not everyone read the other posts.

I wasn't aware there was required reading before posting. I would agree with the others on keeping the reason why he's not into Christmas vague and not give all the background info.

 

[marybet]

well, I think it's obvious not everyone read the other posts.

He has made "great strides". He helped us put the tree up, he wrapped DD9's presents while i wrapped DD8's he went shopping etc. We will be spending christmas day at Okemo skiing, so I wont 'force' my christmas onto him, etc.

To say that he needs to suck it up is pretty mean I think.

I also think that DD9 can handle as much as i will tell her, she may press for more, and if she does i will sugar coat it, i certainly wont say "his x left for some other guy that day" give me a little bit of credit.
But I will tell her that he had a very sad christmas day a few years ago, and he just hasnt had a reason to celebrate since then, and now that he does he needs to "relearn" the happiness of the holidays.

C.Ann I'm sorry this happened to your DH way back when, it's just like you to stick by his side and help him overcome it. I'm sure the holidays were a favorite part of his life with you after he did.....hugs to you this holiday season!

Brandy

I read all the post before I posted and I did not see were you said he was making an effort. That is all I meant, make the effort, sure it is difficult but most things worth having are difficult. I was not saying he shouldn't have feelings, if I had read that he had helped with the tree than I would have responded differently. And I never expected him to be jumping with joy, just make a little effort to show your DD that he cares for her and that her feelings are important too.

 

[akhenaten]

This is a fairly new relationship, isn't it? I think I would tell the bare minimum. No need for all the details. Somteimes I think we forget our kids are kids and overload them with information. I like the...it's a sad time for him explanation.

And no he shouldn't suck it up for the OPs kids. Men have feelings too, and I cannot think of anything more devastating than losing your kids, no matter the day of the year.

I agree....but I do think that I would ask(expect) him to work though it in the future ...if the relationship lasts....

the memories and feelings of a 10 year old are more important that a grown ups.....

 

[jrmasm]

if the relationship lasts....

and then you've put a lot of people through a lot of trauma unnecessarily.


I wouldn't involve my children in my new relationship.

 

[akhenaten]

and then you've put a lot of people through a lot of trauma unnecessarily.


I wouldn't involve my children in my new relationship.

That would be another thread....I don't know how long the OP has been seeing this man...

and her children already know about him


he did help with the tree which was very nice....I think saying he is sad and misses his children is fine..but in the future I would expect more compromise from an adult for the sake of the children involved.....

 

[Miss Jasmine]

That would be another thread....I don't know how long the OP has been seeing this man...

and her children already know about him


he did help with the tree which was very nice....I think saying he is sad and misses his children is fine..but in the future I would expect more compromise from an adult for the sake of the children involved.....

It sounds like he is compromising. Would you feel differently if he didn't celebrate Christmas for religious reasons?

 

[robinb]

It sounds like he is compromising. Would you feel differently if he didn't celebrate Christmas for religious reasons?

That's what I was thinking after I read the OP's follow-up. He helped with the tree, he wrapped presents, he's going on a special ski trip on Christmas day. Exactly what more does he have to do to be able to be in the magic place of "doing Christmas" that you and your DD seek? I think he's making a great effort! I would suggest that you keep it simple with your DD and that he and his ex broke up around Christmas and it makes him sad.

 

[akhenaten]

It sounds like he is compromising. Would you feel differently if he didn't celebrate Christmas for religious reasons?

That would involve too many variables for me to really answer.....
but if he was of a different faith and I chose to date him..I would probably expect to incorporate both faiths..and be respectful of both

if he was a christian extremist and did not believe in putting up a tree/celebrating I would probably not be with him........


I am not saying I want him to dress as santa and hop around.... but i think that it is important for adults to keep on and move forward for the children in their lives....... even after a personal loss..change/modify tradition but we have to set an example of growing and working through good and bad... JMHO

and not "doing" christmas ever again in any way would be a deal breaker for me....

 

[Miss Jasmine]

That would involve too many variables for me to really answer.....
but if he was of a different faith and I chose to date him..I would probably expect to incorporate both faiths..and be respectful of both

if he was a christian extremist and did not believe in putting up a tree/celebrating I would probably not be with him........


I am not saying I want him to dress as santa and hop around.... but i think that it is important for adults to keep on and move forward for the children in their lives....... even after a personal loss..change/modify tradition but we have to set an example of growing and working through good and bad... JMHO

and not "doing" christmas ever again in any way would be a deal breaker for me....

People who don't put trees are Christian extremists? I'll be sure to let my mother know. She doesn't celebrate Christmas. And frankly, if it wasn't for my MIL I wouldn't put up a tree either.

Okay done with this thread.

Brandy, I hope everything works out and you have a great holiday.

 

[akhenaten]

Peole who don't put trees are Christian extremists? I'll holiday.

I did not respond here to be picked apart...
my only eperience with a christian who refuses to put up a tree is my SIL and she is an extremist...(so I was only referring to her type of personality)

I said there were many variables..did I not??


Funny thing is I think my first post here was agreeing with you Miss Jasmine..so why you are chosing to draw me into an off topic hypotheical discussion and pick my answers apart is beyond me...

 

[mudnuri]

and then you've put a lot of people through a lot of trauma unnecessarily.


I wouldn't involve my children in my new relationship.

It's only new to them, we've been dating for months, only when they are with their father. This is the first person other than their father that they have ever seen me with, and they have not seen anything. Nada, Zip, Zilch, what they know is that he is a friend of mine, who came over and helped with the tree, and that we go out to eat etc. when they are at their fathers...thats pretty much the extent of what they know about the relationsip...They certainly dont see him making coffee in the kitchen in the morning before work, or that sort of thing...

Brandy

 

[va32h]

Lots of people get depressed around the holidays, for a variety of reasons. Since I remember being a 9 yo girl with divorced parents and a mom who dated, I can say that for me, I wouldn't have been able to deal with a complicated explanation involving the bf's ex wife and children and how people decide to end their marriages.

Could you just say "some people don't like the holidays as much as we do, and that's okay, and you have to respect people's wishes. After all, he respects our wishes and doesn't mind if we celebrate the way we do."

How long ago did his wife leave him? Maybe he isn't ready for a new relationship, if he is still so very sad about the old one.

 

[indigoxtreme]

deleted

 

[C.Ann]

I wish I had the patience to look for the original post regarding when the DBF's marriage broke up (how long ago), but I don't, so I'm just going to say I think some people here are jumping to wild conclusions.. I don't think it's been "years and years" and I don't think we have enough info to assume that he's "never going to celebrate Christmas again.."

The OP's 9 yr. old is quite familiar with divorce - her own parents are no longer together - and unless she's a very immature 9 yr. old, a simple explanation of "XXX gets sad around the holidays because he can't be with his children" is not "too heavy a burden for her to bear.."

And I'll say it again.. If this was a woman feeling this way about the holidays because her DH walked out on her for another woman on Christmas Day and took the children to boot, she'd be drowning in pixie dust, hugs, prayers, and sympathy..

I have to admit that I'm totally shocked that people are suggesting that this guy "suck it up" - as if he has no feelings at all - simply because he's a man..

 

[mudnuri]

I wish I had the patience to look for the original post regarding when the DBF's marriage broke up (how long ago), but I don't, so I'm just going to say I think some people here are jumping to wild conclusions.. I don't think it's been "years and years" and I don't think we have enough info to assume that he's "never going to celebrate Christmas again.."

The OP's 9 yr. old is quite familiar with divorce - her own parents are no longer together - and unless she's a very immature 9 yr. old, a simple explanation of "XXX gets sad around the holidays because he can't be with his children" is not "too heavy a burden for her to bear.."

And I'll say it again.. If this was a woman feeling this way about the holidays because her DH walked out on her for another woman on Christmas Day and took the children to boot, she'd be drowning in pixie dust, hugs, prayers, and sympathy..

I have to admit that I'm totally shocked that people are suggesting that this guy "suck it up" - as if he has no feelings at all - simply because he's a man..

Thank you C.Ann. Funny part is I asked for advice on what to tell her, not what to tell him. He doesnt have to suck it up, he's trying. Imagine not seeing your kids on the holidays when they are only 30 minutes from you, simply because its not part of the custody agreement and the X wont allow accomodations....I can not imagine how bad that would suck. I'm already not happy about the girls going to their fathers on christmas day, and I get the "santa" at my house...not seeing them at all would really suck, I'd probably hate christmas too...

If he is controlling your relationship this way now and not allowing things or being a part of an import time in your and your childs life, what a sad bit of memories your DD will have if you should all get together. Here wishing good thing for you all.

are you serious? Never mind, I cant justify this a response to this

Brandy

 

[In a hurry]

C.Ann, that is a really nice answer. There are such odd expectations of men sometimes.

Mudnuri (what on earth does mud nuri mean?) good luck. It seems the advice given to just give a nice basic explanation to your daughter is very sound. She must be a special gal to want to invite him in the first place. And he sounds special too, for her to want to invite him.

 

[SillyMe]

and then you've put a lot of people through a lot of trauma unnecessarily.


I wouldn't involve my children in my new relationship.

So when is she supposed to involve her children in this relationship, when they walk down the aisle? Like she said, they don't see him making coffee or crawling out of bed in the morning. They don't see a different man coming in and out of their lives every week.

Brandy, I wouldn't expect him to "get over it". This will be our first Christmas being separated. I don't know yet how we are going to handle it, but I can tell you this. My children will see both of their parents for the holiday, whether it be Christmas Day or Christmas Eve. I can't imagine how your DBF must feel.

As for your original question, only YOU know how mature your dd is and how much she can handle. I believe she will understand a little more and maybe drop the subject if you give her somewhat of an explanation. If you continue to evade the question, she might persist and it might upset him more also. I think the response of telling her that he is sad because he doesn't see his own children is a great explanation and leave it at that.

 

[mudnuri]

So when is she supposed to involve her children in this relationship, when they walk down the aisle? Like she said, they don't see him making coffee or crawling out of bed in the morning. They don't see a different man coming in and out of their lives every week.

Brandy, I wouldn't expect him to "get over it". This will be our first Christmas being separated. I don't know yet how we are going to handle it, but I can tell you this. My children will see both of their parents for the holiday, whether it be Christmas Day or Christmas Eve. I can't imagine how your DBF must feel.

As for your original question, only YOU know how mature your dd is and how much she can handle. I believe she will understand a little more and maybe drop the subject if you give her somewhat of an explanation. If you continue to evade the question, she might persist and it might upset him more also. I think the response of telling her that he is sad because he doesn't see his own children is a great explanation and leave it at that.

Thank you....

I'm posting again below this- but thank you again for your comments....

Brandy