Well, I need some advice....kid related

[mudnuri]

well, here's the update from the adult part of our conversation about the tree/cookies/ etc.

After the kids went to bed, I thanked him for getting the girls the cookies and decorating them with them. They were very happy.

He said- he felt awful after telling me that he didnt want to decorate the tree, and if they after meeting him recently, wanted him to be part of the decorating then he should have just done it for them. I said- thats not the point, the point is you dont like the holiday, and i dont want you to pretend that you do, for the benefit of my kids.

He said- and this melted me....."Bran, if it makes the kids happy, then thats what I'll have to do, in the end it is their smiles that make it worth it. When i saw their faces light up when I handed them all the cookie stuff, i realized it was time for me to put my grief and negative feelings behind me, I may not ever be as excited about the holidays as you and the girls, but I will be part of them for you."



Tears were in my eyes

Brandy

 

[SillyMe]

I have the goosebumps.

 

[mickeyboat]

He said- and this melted me....."Bran, if it makes the kids happy, then thats what I'll have to do, in the end it is their smiles that make it worth it. When i saw their faces light up when I handed them all the cookie stuff, i realized it was time for me to put my grief and negative feelings behind me, I may not ever be as excited about the holidays as you and the girls, but I will be part of them for you."



Tears were in my eyes

Brandy

Brandy - He sounds like a keeper. I don't even know him but I am really proud of him. It's time to make new, happy Christmas memories!

Denae

 

[akhenaten]

Wonderful..sounds like he is working on healing and considering your childrens feelings!!

( and I would expect the same from a man or woman in the same circumstance.......)

 

[Mom2Ashli]

well, here's the update from the adult part of our conversation about the tree/cookies/ etc.

After the kids went to bed, I thanked him for getting the girls the cookies and decorating them with them. They were very happy.

He said- he felt awful after telling me that he didnt want to decorate the tree, and if they after meeting him recently, wanted him to be part of the decorating then he should have just done it for them. I said- thats not the point, the point is you dont like the holiday, and i dont want you to pretend that you do, for the benefit of my kids.

He said- and this melted me....."Bran, if it makes the kids happy, then thats what I'll have to do, in the end it is their smiles that make it worth it. When i saw their faces light up when I handed them all the cookie stuff, i realized it was time for me to put my grief and negative feelings behind me, I may not ever be as excited about the holidays as you and the girls, but I will be part of them for you."



Tears were in my eyes

Brandy

Wow. That is so great!
Plus I think it is so neat that you and your girls are making a difference in his life. Sometimes they just the right thing to make they realize how happy they can be. Way to go. I really hope things work out for you guys and you have a Happy Wonderful Holiday together.

 

[SC Minnie]

He is realizing again what Christmas is all about. Sounds like your family is helping him heals those old wounds.

 

[Miss Jasmine]

That is so wonderful. We are all placed in others lives for a reason. may this be a healing holiday for all of you!

 

[robinb]

I so happy for him and your family!

 

[Disney Doll]

I think I would tell the BF to put the feelings of a nine year old ahead of his old hatreds. He is an adult and he could make the effort. Does not celebrating the holidays make him feel better? Does he just enjoy wallowing in self pity? I doubt if his wife left him because it was Christmas, he needs to seperate the act from the day. This is JMHO but he needs to grow up and start thinking about others needs not just his own.

I would agree with this tactic. I would also seriously think about getting involved, and more importantly gettig my child involved, with a man who still seems to have many issues he needs to address.

That being said, I'd go with "he misses his children on Christams so he feels better if he doesn't make a big deal about it" or something equally as simple.

 

[Disney Doll]

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I agree.. And although my feelings may be jaded because I saw my own DH go through this himself many years ago, I wonder how many hugs and doses of pixie dust would be floating around here if it were a "mom" that was feeling this way..

Maybe "dad's" feelings just don't count..

My response would be the same whether it was referring to a mother or a father.

When things happen to you, you have a choice. You can choose to let them color your life, or you can choose not to let them color your life. People say thay can't help their feelings, and that is true. Your feelings are your feelings. What you can control is your response.

On a personal note...DH & I cannot have children. We tried for many years, at great emotional and financial expense, to have children, and were unsuccessful. I chose not to let it control our life. I chose not to let it color my life. I chose not to let it make me not celebrate fmily and friends who were able to have children. I chose to go to baby showers and celebrate with those I loved, and not make the pregnant couple uncomfortable by wallowing in self-pity. They were choices I made, not always easy, and there were times when the longing for a child was a physical ache, but I chose to celebrate a child's birth, even if it wasn't my child. I chose to reallize how fortunate I was and am to be involved in the lives of the many children who I love dearly and who love me back.

If the OP's DBF doesn't "do" Christmas, it is because he is choosing not to. And that's too bad, because that is coloring the rest of his life, it is coloring a part of his relationship with the OP, and it is giving a 9 year old child something to think about and ponder that maybe she shouldn't have to at 9 years old.

 

[Disney Doll]

well, I think it's obvious not everyone read the other posts.

No, we read this post. And this post says that he doesn't "do" Christmas.

Next time, give us a bibliography list of your previous posts so we'll know what to read before we respond!

 

[C.Ann]

My response would be the same whether it was referring to a mother or a father.

When things happen to you, you have a choice. You can choose to let them color your life, or you can choose not to let them color your life. People say thay can't help their feelings, and that is true. Your feelings are your feelings. What you can control is your response.

-------------------------------

And there's also a time for patience and understanding.. If a situation like this were to drag on for years and years, then yes - I could see there might be a problem and professional help might be in order.. But patience and subtle exposure to the "merrier" side of the hoidays can work wonders in a situation such as this.. It worked for my DH - and apparently it has worked for the OP's DBF as well..

 

[Disney Doll]

It sounds like he is compromising. Would you feel differently if he didn't celebrate Christmas for religious reasons?

Yes, because then the explanation to the child would be "his religious beliefs are different than ours and he doesn't celebrate Christmas".

There would be no concern about his ex-wife leaving with the kids etc, and "what kind" of explanation to give about that, which is a much more "mature" situation than a simple "religious difference" explanation.

Plus, most of the "mixed" religious couples I know (Jewish and Christian) do a beautiful job of blending and respecting each others' religious celebrations, so I don't think there'd be an issue of not "doing" Christmas/holiday celebrations. It would more be a quesiton of "how" to do them.

And quite frankly, if someone I was seeing really didn't want to participate at all in traditions that were important to me and my child, I'd probably think twice about continuing to see him.

I am from the school that adults need to compromise for the sake of children. Kids today already suffer too much from the mistakes of the adults in their lives.

 

[Disney Doll]

And I'll say it again.. If this was a woman feeling this way about the holidays because her DH walked out on her for another woman on Christmas Day and took the children to boot, she'd be drowning in pixie dust, hugs, prayers, and sympathy..

I have to admit that I'm totally shocked that people are suggesting that this guy "suck it up" - as if he has no feelings at all - simply because he's a man..

I am not sure where anyone said he has to "suck it up" because he is a man. Some folks have said he has to "suck it up" because he is the adult, and that I agree with. Adults need to make sacrifices for kids sometimes...that's one of the things that sucks about being an adult.

I also think some folks were basing their responses on the info in this post and not the other posts that the OP says she has posted about this situation. This original post in this thread simply says "he doesn't do Christmas". Now, getting on into the post, we find out he helped with the tree and packages etc., which was not originally stated or clear in this thread.

C.Ann, your opinion of the responses here is colored by your late, dear DH's personal situation, but he did come around and "do" Christmas for the sake of your kids, so really, he understood the point being made here.

 

[C.Ann]

C.Ann, your opinion of the responses here is colored by your late, dear DH's personal situation, but he did come around and "do" Christmas for the sake of your kids, so really, he understood the point being made here.

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This is true.. But it did take a some "work".. A little patience goes a long way.. We've all had things happen in our lives that are terribly upsetting and hurtful - and I do believe that we can "control" our feelings to a certain degree - but we don't reach that point instantaneously.. There's an adjustment period we all have to transition through and I think that is exactly what's happening in this particular situation.. Baby steps, but steps nonetheless..

 

[sha_lyn]

He put the tree up with us last week, but when was asked to help decorate it Monday night, he didnt...no back peddling on the tree...

Brandy

I never said you back peddled, I said that marybet back peddled on her harsh stance once she was called out on it.