Well, DD14 has gone to live with her Dad

[tiff211]

I hope it all works our for you and DD. It does sound like she felt lost and left out that day but I am assuming that was just sort of a vent on your part and that this decision had a lot of thought and other considerations behind it.

I just wanted to say though that my kids GPs would also drop everything and bring anything hte kids wanted. I do understand though about the boundaries between being parents and being Grandparents. THat would be a hard situation to be in.

Thank you!! Of course there were several things that factored into things. (hanging with the "grown" crowd at school, grades, spending time with her siblings closer in age, etc). I am a firm believer that her dad is just as much her parent as I am. And it was not as if in a huff, I sent her there to punish her. We all talked about it, including her and decided it was for the best. Although, I know she thinks it will be smooth sailing because she is only used to being there on vacations/holidays.

 

[ClarabelleCowFan]

Just wanted to send lots of for you and tell you that I think you are a wonderful and unselfish Mother to think of your child's best interests first! I have seen so many people go thru nasty custody battles where they use their children as pawns to get back at each other and this obviously is not the case here.

Your DD is lucky to have an understanding woman like you as her Mother. She may not realize it now but she will when she is older. Wisdom comes with age on issues like this.

Right now let her enjoy her "grass is always greener somewhere else" attitude and I would bet that she is asking to come back home to you before you know it.

 

[LindsayDunn228]

What does your DH want her to call him?

Yeah for real. I have a father and a stepfather. I have always called my stepfather by his first name.

 

[shortbun]

Finally, having read this whole thread, I want to respond. No flames just observations. I think you have done the right thing for your oldest daughter. I think she felt like a fifth wheel in your household and I can see why. Seems that the family most interested in her is where she is now. This happens so often with divorce and siblings being so much younger. It's ok, it's just what it is. Be sure to let her know constantly that you love her. Don't change your relationship with her or resent that she is living with her father; it might even get better. Now that she is older, she realizes that your husband is NOT her father and calling him by his first name is and should be acceptable. When she was 6-8 she was probably confused about their relationship. She can respect him and love him but does NOT need to call him "Dad." At least that's where I see it. The situation with the grandparents is typical and with the history they have, understandable. My in-laws have helped to raise my neice and nephew; they have a horrible time stepping out when they should/could but I totally understand why. They did all the childcare, the kids spent 2-3 nights a week with them, they bought all the clothes, paid lots of the bills and even now when the kids are sick(ages 16 and 13)they take them to the doctor, dance lessons, guitar lessons and on and on.....yet the parents of these children resent their involvement. What!? From the outside, in our family, that's how it looks. You admit you turned the parenting over to them and they still have trouble not being engaged. I can understand.
As a parent, your relationship with each child is different but you love them all equally. Be sure your daughter knows that and try to turn the lemons you have into lemonade each chance you get. Someday she will appreciate the boundaries you have tried to impose if they are done with love and are in her best interest!

 

[Toby'sFriend]

From having read your past threads as well as this one, I think you made the best choice. Right now you all just seem to need a break from each other to get some perspective. Honestly in this case I felt a little sorry for her. She came home to an empty house and was bored and lonely. She called her Grandpa - ok so she was grounded and grounded from the phone -- but you know she COULD be calling a 19 year old drug dealing boyfriend. This just doesn't seem like the crime of the century to me and honestly I could see why Grandpa was a little ticked. Given the role that Grandpa has played in her life up to this point, I think restricting her from talking to him over the phone is kind of like restricting her from talking to a parent...it just isn't something that I would even consider.

Also, I just find it kind of odd that she called you 10 times from and empty house that she was all alone in and apparently nobody ever returned her call? How did you know it wasn't an emergency?

I realize that you were at the hospital with your smaller child, but honestly that child had her Father there with her as well as the nurses. Personally, I would have found 10 minutes to step outside the hospital and check in with my teen.

I have a 15 year old and a 2 year old. It is so easy to always think -- well he is taller than I am, surely the small one needs my attention more right now. But that just isn't the case because those younger teens need a TON of attention, especially when they are at their worst. Even if he is calling for stupid reasons and with stupid questions that he already knows the answer to, I never want my kid to think that I'm unavailable to him.

Anyway, I hope that this break gives everybody some breathing room and allows you all to mend some of these relationships. I hope for the best for everybody.

 

[CathrynRose]

I find it truly bothersome that this mother's "upset vent" is being turned into some sort of bad parenting, on her part. Even going as far as referring to past posts of hers?? She has a teenager for crien out loud!!! She (and Im not familiar with past posts, and please dont bother to supply me any) probably posts about her older daughter, when she needs SOMEWHERE to vent.

It's a DIFFICULT situation to have grand-parents assuming, not only the role of grandchild's 2nd set of parents - but also an authoritive figure over the parents themselves. And it's doing the grandchild no good, what-so-ever. Thinking that the world revolves around them? When (in this case) the baby sister was having surgery?!?!? Gimme a break.

To the OP-Mom, I feel your pain - good luck to you.

 

[NMAmy]

tiff--I'm so sorry. I've been in your shoes and I know what a wrenching choice it is--regardless of how obnoxious your teenager is being at any given moment. You've done a good thing by making the best choice for your dd now even though it's incredibly difficult.

My dd lived with her dad for a year and a half due to problems with the girls at her school--she and I had no issues except for normal teenager/mom stuff. It was the hardest thing I've ever gone through. She moved back this year and our relationship is even better--she's much more appreciative of me now and I'm more appreciative of her. I posted on here at the time because I was so upset and got some wonderful support and also some really snotty replies. If you need to vent, please feel free to pm me.

I hope this works out well for both you and your daughter.

 

[Dan Murphy]

's tiff211

 

[LindaR]

I haven't read any of your other posts regarding your daughter, but I have a question.....

Have you had counseling as a family? It seems like this would be the answer to trying to "fix" things. You could explore parenting skills, she would learn about rules and boundaries, you hubby could talk about not feeling like her "parent", and this would have given you the chance to work together as a family to resolve issues. Instead, it appears that she has achieved her goals and has been placed in the very place where SHE rules. Do you think that any behaviors will be corrected or will the situation worsen? It sounds to me that she is not "your problem" any longer.

 

[CathrynRose]

It sounds to me that she is not "your problem" any longer.

**sarcasm***

Yeah - youre right. This woman was an awful parent. I'm sure this 14 y/o was an angel, and didnt use any of her smarts in her own favor.

Bad Mom!

**sarcasm**

 

[CathrynRose]

I'm done replying to this. Although I havent said much, I think it's a shame what this Mom's original post, turned into.

Tiff - good luck and lots of positive thoughts for you, honestly.

 

[LindaR]

I am just stating MY opinion. The OP came to a public board and said what she needed to say. Since I don't live in their household, I am questioning whether she did everything she could do, or if her frustration level got out of control and she decided not to deal with her daughter anymore.

I KNOW having a teenager can be a very difficult time for many parents.

If there was NOT a father around.........how would this situation be resolved?

 

[mickeyfan2]

I'm done replying to this. Although I havent said much, I think it's a shame what this Mom's original post, turned into.

IMHO she was getting very good advise and I know that with my post she could see what I was saying. I never called her a bad mother. This thread only took a turn when you decided that you needed to show us how much more you know about teenagers and her situation; having never read any of her other posts. Many of our replys are based off other stuff she posted, so we do know more about the situation (but not nearly enough) to give some good and sound advise.

 

[CathrynRose]

This thread only took a turn when you decided that you needed to show us how much more you know about teenagers and her situation; having never read any of her other posts.

Right - sure it did. I just was showing off all my amazing know-it-all teenager skills.

IMHO she was getting very good advise
.

Nevermind in her original post, she wasnt asking for any advice.

To me (and again, just TO ME) I saw an upset Mom, looking to vent and for some validation, as she isnt getting any from the grandparents, or her daughter.

 

[LindaR]

Adults should lead by example....

 

[pixiemomma]

 

[In a hurry]

**sarcasm***

Yeah - youre right. This woman was an awful parent. I'm sure this 14 y/o was an angel, and didnt use any of her smarts in her own favor.

Bad Mom!

**sarcasm**

She has been complaining about this poor kid for ages. The daughter is much better off elsewhere, now that she is not living in the house with the perfect youngsters. It will be interesting to see who becomes the next scapegoat.

It is always easier to blame ex, or grands, but it has never been the fault of the primary parent (the OP).

 

[Planogirl]

If a person posts in a public forum, they probably expect comments or at least they should. JMO.

To the OP, good luck with working all of this out. It sounds like you made a wise decision and hopefully, it'll end up helping everyone get closer in the long run.

 

[LBAK]

No advice from me, just lots of pixie dust. I am still trying to raise a teenager and many times I felt like throwing in the towel. Remember what goes around, comes around and you will be a grandparent one day. I say take a deep breath and things will work out.

 

[CathrynRose]

She has been complaining about this poor kid for ages. The daughter is much better off elsewhere, now that she is not living in the house with the perfect youngsters. It will be interesting to see who becomes the next scapegoat.

It is always easier to blame ex, or grands, but it has never been the fault of the primary parent (the OP).

I too send lots of to all of us Mommies of teenagers! These times (at least for me) have been the hardest of my life. I'm gonna give some extra to the OP (and me, cuz I deserve some!!)