Well, DD14 has gone to live with her Dad

[tiff211]

From having read your past threads as well as this one, I think you made the best choice. Right now you all just seem to need a break from each other to get some perspective. Honestly in this case I felt a little sorry for her. She came home to an empty house and was bored and lonely. She called her Grandpa - ok so she was grounded and grounded from the phone -- but you know she COULD be calling a 19 year old drug dealing boyfriend. This just doesn't seem like the crime of the century to me and honestly I could see why Grandpa was a little ticked. Given the role that Grandpa has played in her life up to this point, I think restricting her from talking to him over the phone is kind of like restricting her from talking to a parent...it just isn't something that I would even consider.

Also, I just find it kind of odd that she called you 10 times from and empty house that she was all alone in and apparently nobody ever returned her call? How did you know it wasn't an emergency?

I realize that you were at the hospital with your smaller child, but honestly that child had her Father there with her as well as the nurses. Personally, I would have found 10 minutes to step outside the hospital and check in with my teen.

I have a 15 year old and a 2 year old. It is so easy to always think -- well he is taller than I am, surely the small one needs my attention more right now. But that just isn't the case because those younger teens need a TON of attention, especially when they are at their worst. Even if he is calling for stupid reasons and with stupid questions that he already knows the answer to, I never want my kid to think that I'm unavailable to him.

Anyway, I hope that this break gives everybody some breathing room and allows you all to mend some of these relationships. I hope for the best for everybody.

She comes home to an empty house every day. She gets home at 4 and I work until 5, getting home at 5:30. She is used to it and has instructions on what to do. She was calling me because she wanted to go to her grandparents house and knew she couldn't leave until I gave her permission. Caling me nonstop like that is routine for her. She waits until the last minute to ask me something and then frantically calls me over and over until she gets a response, Trust me, I knew it was no emergancy. She has been told to call my sister who lives close by or go to the neighbors in case of an emergancy if she can't get ahold of me. I was in the recovery room with DD3, holding her while she came out of anesthesia. DH was in the other room with our other DD's. My little one needed me at that moment, she wouldn't go to anyone else. I am sorry, for those of you who have ever had a child in the hospital may know what I am talking about, that trumps a demanding teen any day. Actually, she had surgery in May and I was just as attentive to her!

 

[tiff211]

Finally, having read this whole thread, I want to respond. No flames just observations. I think you have done the right thing for your oldest daughter. I think she felt like a fifth wheel in your household and I can see why. Seems that the family most interested in her is where she is now. This happens so often with divorce and siblings being so much younger. It's ok, it's just what it is. Be sure to let her know constantly that you love her. Don't change your relationship with her or resent that she is living with her father; it might even get better. Now that she is older, she realizes that your husband is NOT her father and calling him by his first name is and should be acceptable. When she was 6-8 she was probably confused about their relationship. She can respect him and love him but does NOT need to call him "Dad." At least that's where I see it. The situation with the grandparents is typical and with the history they have, understandable. My in-laws have helped to raise my neice and nephew; they have a horrible time stepping out when they should/could but I totally understand why. They did all the childcare, the kids spent 2-3 nights a week with them, they bought all the clothes, paid lots of the bills and even now when the kids are sick(ages 16 and 13)they take them to the doctor, dance lessons, guitar lessons and on and on.....yet the parents of these children resent their involvement. What!? From the outside, in our family, that's how it looks. You admit you turned the parenting over to them and they still have trouble not being engaged. I can understand.
As a parent, your relationship with each child is different but you love them all equally. Be sure your daughter knows that and try to turn the lemons you have into lemonade each chance you get. Someday she will appreciate the boundaries you have tried to impose if they are done with love and are in her best interest!

Wow!! I could write a book about this saga but I won't. The whole comment about the family being more interested in her is crazy. That is based on what? I'll just try to summarize....bear with me to gain understanding. DD went to live with her dad for a year and a half when her sister was born when she was 6. Her father wanted them to be close, I was still single and finishing up school so it was good decision. I vowed to have my life in a good place that she would be back with me within two years. I picked her up 18 months later, the week I got married. She has been with us ever since. During this time, I have not gotten one dime from her dad. I did not want to create a riff between our families so I never went to court. I am okay with that. She is my daughter and my responsiblity and I know keeping it as peaceful as possible is better for her. Once there was a big blow out betwen us, because while she was there, she made up a bunc of lies about me, which she later recanted. When we moved into our house two years ago, DD14 was going through her things. She found a stcak of cards and letters that I had written her while she was with him, b-day cards, Valentine's day, just because, etc. I wil quote her "mommy, I don't know why I said anything bad about you, I see how much you love me." She also made a comment about how since she was here, her dad did really send her anything or call that frequently. His parents will have her call him when she is there or he called them and she would be there.

I bend over backwards so she can be included and to make everyone happy and content. As I mentioned in a previous post, her DGF called to ask if they could take her out of town, I had a picture appointment for our family pics. I rearranged my schedule and changed the appointment so she could go.

Lastly, it was her choice to call DH dad. She also called her DSM "mom". I told her it was a bitter pill but if that made her feel comfortable then I would handle it. I am "mommy". She now calls her by her first name as well, well as far as I know.

 

[tiff211]

I haven't read any of your other posts regarding your daughter, but I have a question.....

Have you had counseling as a family? It seems like this would be the answer to trying to "fix" things. You could explore parenting skills, she would learn about rules and boundaries, you hubby could talk about not feeling like her "parent", and this would have given you the chance to work together as a family to resolve issues. Instead, it appears that she has achieved her goals and has been placed in the very place where SHE rules. Do you think that any behaviors will be corrected or will the situation worsen? It sounds to me that she is not "your problem" any longer.

I could be wrong and haven't gone back to check but I remember posting her dad is in total agreement with the way I am. I hide NOTHING!!! And, she is going away from the place she rules. Her grandparents live here. Her dad and stepmom both say she will not be able to get over since her GP will not be around to cater to her. I also stated, it was NOT a case of her deciding she wanted to go live there and getting what she wanted. I also said it was due to the negative influence of her peers, subsquently, her grades have dropped from a's and b's to c's and d's. As we all agreed, it's a fresh start. Going to live with one parent or another should not be looked as a punishment or reward. I feel bad with the way things are of course. But I am a great parent, because I love her and want the best for her, whatever that may be. I did not send her away or try to get rid of a problem. She is excited at the idea of starting fresh, at a new school with new friends and we have spoken several times since she has left.

 

[tiff211]

She has been complaining about this poor kid for ages. The daughter is much better off elsewhere, now that she is not living in the house with the perfect youngsters. It will be interesting to see who becomes the next scapegoat.

It is always easier to blame ex, or grands, but it has never been the fault of the primary parent (the OP).

Tell me, oh wise one, of course the problem is, it does have to stem from somewhere but why does it HAVE to be me?! Do you know me and the kind of parent I am? Or do you just read my venting posts and assume what you want from there? Do you think this is the only place I come to for vent sessions and/or advice? My mom, dad, siblings, BF, her godmother have all been here with me through it all and are all in total agreement at where I place the blame.

 

[Mimi Q]

 

[WebmasterMaryJo]

It's tough raising teens in this day & age. for trying to make the right decision for your daughter.

 

[Pugdog007]

So, it's hard for her to be included in that family bond that we are creating in my family.

This sentence struck me as odd... is this teen daughter not part of "your" family?

 

[mrsgus06]

Man, I feel your pain. I also have 4 daughters, ages 4, 7, 9 and 11. The 11 year old is my biological and the other 3 were adopted (long story). I love each and every one as if they came from the same place, but that does not make it any easier for the kids. I am sure there are times my 11 yo thinks that life is "unfair" because in a matter of 24 hours she was the big sister of 3 little sisters. I also have 2 boys in the mix. I know you can not give each one of them the time you think they deserve. I have tried many different approaches to each of my kids, but it is still hard. I stay in close contact with ther father and include him in on many decisions in her life. I also know it is not easy to deal with an "ex" on top of everything else, he is your ex for a reason. I did not even have 9 months to prepare for a newborn in my house, just happened. No one in my family is at fault, it just happened. It has been 4 years now and I am still trying to come up with a schedule to please most of the kids most of the time. I think when my 11 yo starts middle school next year and has a different schedule, it will be easier. I don't stress out over it, just keep rolling with the punches. I think by the time I figure all of this out, they will all be 18 and out of my house. Don't feel guilty about spending extra time with the 3 yo that day, she needed you. The 14 yo should realize, any probably does, her needs can wait for one day, but sometimes it is hard for them. My oldest son was 15 when the other kids came along. He offered to move in with my parents so the kids could each have their own room. It was only 2 streets over, but I missed him so much. He also pitched in and made plates for the litle ones, helped them with their homework, fed the newborn her bottle or even did laundry to help. He is 19 now and we have a "date night". Just me and him, no siblings. It only happens about every 3 months, but he understands. I have always made a promise to my ex, Katie can move in with him any time after she turns 12, and only because she really wants to, not because she is mad at me or her step-father (which she calls by his nickname). That is my decision and I will honor it if she decides to go. No one really knows what is going on in your home except you. Don't worry about what other people think and live your life to make your family happy. I don't think you treat your oldest as a guest and I think you are doing a great job. As a matter of fact, I bow down to you because you do what I do, but you do it with a full time job outside the home. No way! Homework is 2 hours every day around here, I would never get any sleep . Just keep letting your oldest know you love her, but I am pretty sure she knows. BTW, my parents have always been a big part of all of my kids lives. I don't fight it. I think it is kind of nice that they will take one at a time or all 4 girls at one time, but I think the girls like the one at a time better. It is good to get a little individual attention. At least it is from the wonderful parents that raised me and like the other poster stated, not some 19 yo drug pusher. Sorry this is so long, but I really wanted you to know that I am so there with you. Good luck!

 

[Keli]

You know what? Whatever the complicated reasons that have lead to the situation the reality is your dd was struggling in your home and I think you made the right decision in letting her move to her dad's home.

I hope that your dd settles down now and that your relationship with her grows stronger. Best wishes for the future

 

[tiff211]

This sentence struck me as odd... is this teen daughter not part of "your" family?

What the......??? Where did you get that one from? . I said my family meaning MY family. Me, MY DH, MY DD's....All of them. Creating a family bond in my family, how does that mean she is not a part of MY family?

 

[tiff211]

and words of encouragement!! I am not going to beat a dead horse, this could go on and on!! Bottom line is SHE knows how much she is loved even if she is not here and of course I intend to make sure she continues to know this. I am thankful that she has a wonderful stepmother who has known DD all her life and will be caring for her. I am thankful that she has another family unit that is more condusive to her age level. She will have a playmate and a companion with her sister and cousin that she could not get here. She has a chance in a wonderful new school to start over with new friends who will hopefully be better influences. She called me last night and was very excited to start today.

To those of you with teens, I know the road is not easy!!!!

 

[Crankyshank]

Honestly no matter what anyone's opinion of the reasons why you made your decision, I think we're all in agreement it is the right one for yourself and your daughter at this time.
Obviously she has some issues that she needs to work on and perhaps a fresh start with siblings closer to her age that are better able to understand and help her deal with her teenage angst will help her get on the right track.