weddings are supposed to be be beautiful........why not mine?!?

[serendipity]

Okay disers here's my next post. First though, we need some background information. I received my baptism and communion but when it was time for my confirmation my grandmother passed away and we found ourselves away from church during that time of my childhood. It was then always understand that before I was to be married I would get my confirmation through the RCIA. When I fell in love with my fiancee I knew this would be true and was always the plan. Neither of us are deeply religious, least of all my fiancee who realistically is anything but religious but I was always fine with getting married in a church, and he never had a problem with it. Now...the plan is to be married sunday May 6th. I found a church that we could be married in, we had the date set and booked. it was beautiful and I loved the priest and I really couldn't have been happier with the decision, my fiancee was satisfied and my parents were thrilled. It only took 30 minutes for my fiancee to call back. Apparentely he spoke to his mother (the jewish side) and she told him that it was unacceptable for us to be wed in a church and that her parents, fiancee's grandparents would not come to the wedding. She ended up having a non religious wedding because of this, and her brother and his wife eloped to avoid the problem. We were never aware of any of this. Now back to my family....they told me that it was EXTREMELY important to them that we are married in a church. I don't know what to do. I've considered eloping but I've always imagined my family being at my wedding and it would hurt them to not be there. We're already having a very small wedding (only 20 ppl) and were planning just to go to a nice restaurant afterwards that has a small private room so having an officiant come isn't really so much of an option for us. Please, I need help. I've never been more stressed out in my life.

 

[scootert]

Would your FMIL be comfortable if the wedding is in a church and there both a priest and a rabbi officiate? Or, would your family be okay with a "neutral" spot for the ceremony (non denominational chapel, a garden) with a priest and rabbi?? If that doesn't work for the Catholic side, could you have your marriage blessed in a brief ceremony at the church. Hang in there -- there is a solution out there but methinks it will require compromise from some family members.

 

[wendy46001]

These are always hard....and you can have a beautiful wedding….I'd have to say let your fiancés talk to his grandparents...maybe they are just old/traditional and put their foot down without listening ....from what it sounded like his mother didn’t have a huge issue with it...so maybe you all can meet as a family and figure out the right path....But I do agree with the other poster, maybe had a Rabbi attend and do a small blessing...
I know when my good friend got married it was more of the traditions her GP wanted...like breaking the glass, then the church it took place in

 

[Skylarr29]

I know situations like this are always hard but what I would do if I was you, and this is just my .02 cents, is have the wedding as you have planned. Most people talk the talk but won't walk the walk. I wouldn't be surprised if they come around and do show up. You will always regret it if you waiver for someone else. It is your day and the way you want it should be left to you and your fiancee. And if your parents are paying for the wedding then they have a say too and they love the idea.

 

[serendipity]

Well, my parents aren't paying for the wedding, we are, which is why we want it to be really small. My fiancee, Jeremy, just spoke with his grandparents and they said they would not step into a place of christian worship, it wasn't how they were raised. Now Jeremy is telling me he won't get married without them being there. I told him we could be married in both a church and a temple and that both families should go to both (as my family is willing to go to a temple if we also marry in a church), and his grandparents still won't bend. Personally, I think they're being extremely selfish. However, they are okay if meeting in a neutreul ground with both a priest and rabbi. However, we're trying to keep this wedding REALLY inexpensive. Originally the wedding was going to cost us under $2,000. If we change things around and have to have two officiants we're going to need a bigger place to get married, like a banquet hall, and they require a minimum of 50 people which is just too much. I just don't know what to do. When we first started dating I thought I made sure none of this would happen by asking if he would have a problem with getting married in a church and raising our children catholic and from the start he told me no. Now, years later, and 8 months to the wedding and everythings changed.

 

[purplegirl247]

I'm sorry you're having such a tough time. I'm sending some pixie dust your way, and hope that your family members (and his) will reach a compromise!

What about having an outside ceremony, then a reception at a restaurant? Would everyone agree to that?

 

[JDMasso]

Your wedding will be beautiful!!!!! I really like the idea of having the wedding in a neutral location with the blessing of a Rabbi and a Priest. What about having the wedding in a garden? The weather in May is so wonderful, and I'm sure you can find a location outside to have the wedding, and then still have your dinner at a restaurant.

 

[Dina]

Do you have any local colleges nearby-- some have some beautiful buildings. My friend (Christian and her fiance was Jewish) married in a gorgeous room in a beautiful hall of the college she attended (she was out of college at the time, but they still allowed her to use the building for the hour/ hour and a half). One of the priests from our high school was there, and her fiance's rabbi was also there and they performed the ceremony together. It was very beautiful, and I know it wasn't expensive at all because she/fiance paid for every dime of it, and they didn't have a big budget.

 

[dannirose]

Sorry you are having all these problems - and if everyone is willing to attend at a neutral place you might want to consider doing so with two officiants.

The Catholic church's official position on marriage is the couple has to get married in a church for a Catholic priest to be able to officiate. However, if you do not get married in the church you can get the union blessed which might satisfy your parents' desire to see you marry in church.

I have also been to a wedding where the rabbi officiated, and the groom's priest, who had known the family was invited as a guest and blessed the couple during the ceremony.

Hang in there

 

[kimnkel]

serendipity, I am so sorry. I know it is easy to be angry with your in-laws, but please try to be patient. It is very difficult for Jewish people to feel they can even step inside a Christian church, let alone sit through a ritual. It just would feel as if they were denying their entire heritage. It is hard sometimes for us to feel that sort of emotion, if we are ourselves not terribly religous, but I know that those feelings run deep with many Jewish people.

I have attended a wedding between a Jew and a Catholic, and it was beautiful It is dependent upon finding the right Rabbi and priest, but it can be beautiful--very meaningful, and to me was symbolic of the joining of two different people, and the surrender and compromise and love it takes to get to the wedding ceremony.

A garden, or a lovely room, under a flower bedecked chuppah--I think would be so very beautiful. The chuppah symbolizes the home, did you know that? The parents bring the bride and groom under the chuppah, and then STEP BACK (I know some parents that could take a lesson here, LOL) which is symbolic of the bride and groom establishing their own family. I think it is a lovely symbol.

Your wedding can be beautiful. Don't fret.

 

[LiLIrishChick63]

well......it's not their wedding, is it? that's what you need to say. i know it sounds harsh, but it's the reality and they need to realize that.

why don't you just get married by a judge? or go out on a boat and have a captain marry you? would they not accept those either?

you should do what's best for YOU and what YOU want. after all, it is YOUR day. and you can just say "sorry you can't make it, you'll be missed" and move on with your dream day. they'll be sorry they missed it, trust me.

 

[Deesknee]

I have no suggestions, but wanted to send and for a happy outcome.

I'm sure your wedding will be beautiful. The fact that you both care so much about family says alot about what kind of people you are. Loving.

 

[serendipity]

well. after nine hours of arguements with everyone it seems we've managed to come up with a solution. My parents have a somewhat big house with a deck overlooking a lake so we're going to try to get two officiants representing catholocism and judaism to marry us there, and then still go to the restaurant for the reception. now we just have to find our officiants. thanks so much for all of your advice and kind words.

 

[Gradar1]

I'm glad you've figured something out--something that will hopefully please everyone on both sides of the family! Good Luck!

 

[cheeks605]

That sounds like a beautiful compromise! I hope your day is absolutely perfect for you!

 

[ItGirl753]

Just want to wish you luck in getting the details worked out!!! I'm glad you came up with a compromise/solution.

 

[lizziepooh]

I don't mean to pry, but since he felt pressured by grandparents on this issue, has he changed his feelings on your agreement to raise any children catholic? It might be a good idea to have a heart to heart talk to make sure you are both on the same page about that issue if it is important to you. Better to try to iron it out now than later. Good luck. It sounds like a good compromise on the ceremony.

 

[serendipity]

I don't mean to pry, but since he felt pressured by grandparents on this issue, has he changed his feelings on your agreement to raise any children catholic? It might be a good idea to have a heart to heart talk to make sure you are both on the same page about that issue if it is important to you. Better to try to iron it out now than later. Good luck. It sounds like a good compromise on the ceremony.

yes, we talked about it. he doesn't mind raising the children catholic because he is not religious. at all. he is an atheist. the only reason he wants a jewish officiant is to appease his grandparents, who live in Florida (we live in NJ) that we only see once a year. I don't know why he doesn't want to tell them his religious views, I suppose he doesn't want to argue with them, but he would never ask the children to be jewish, because he himself does not believe in judaism.

 

[goof76]

i don't think you'll need a hall. i live about 40 mins. outside manhattan and have lived in ny my whole life. most restaurants and pubs have party rooms or back rooms. i know the one near my house charges about $25 a head for a nice buffet dinner and open bar. the room holds up to 65 people but you can have a party for as little as 10. check out the local places near the church you are getting married in. and best of luck .

 

[FSUDisneyGirl]

good luck with everything...your wedding will be fabulous!!!

having the cermony at your parent's house sounds like a great, non-expensive idea!