***wedding shower questions & gifts*** help please

[mafibisha]

Ok, its been awhile since we were married (15 years!) and I haven't been to a wedding shower in awhile.

This shower is being given by the brides mother, what is up with that? Is that something new?
Or it is a regional thing where its done some places and not others?
It was always considered a huge no-no, in poor taste in polite society when I was growing up and getting married. The brides mom may have planned or payed for it but a cousin, sister in law or friend was named on the invitation as the hostess. (holding breath here as I have 3 DDs so !)

Also, what do you guys spend on a gift if you're also going the wedding? I realize it depends on how close you are and if the wedding is local or out of town.

Feedback anyone?

 

[Illuminations_Rocks]

Just wanted to say I'm getting married in a few months. Where I'm from the mom always plans, but in addition to the maid of honor and your bridesmaids. So basically my shower is being thrown by my mom and my maid of honor. Definitely the norm where I grew up? As far as named on the invitation as hostess, we generally don't name a hostess, just a person to rsvp to.

As far as what to spend, it depends on what you can afford and are willing to contribute. Norm for my family is probably about $50-$75 - but there's definitely people who spend more and who spend less.

 

[njcarita]

my mom planned both me and my sisters showers--

and almost every shower I've been too has been planned by the mother of the bride( can only remember one that wasn't)--

 

[LSchrow]

i've seen a few showers given by the bride's, and/or groom's, mother. i know some wedding planning books consider that a "no-no", but not every maid/matron of honor, and/or bridesmaid/matron is in a financial position to give one, so don't think of it as wrong or right (personally, i think it's wonderful of the mom to consider the financial hardship that being in a bridal party can incur & step in to help ~ that "honor" can easily run into thousands of dollars ).

wedding gifts substantially differ in different parts of the country (as evidenced by similar, previous posts). in our area (long island, as well as much of the tri-state), monetary gifts are customary (we only received about 3 non-monetary gifts for our wedding ~ all from ppl outside of the area). we normally start at $100+ per person attending (for people we know somewhat, but are not close with, DH & i norm give about $250. close relatives & friends can go up to about $500+). other areas have said they give a gift in the $25-50 range, so you can see there is a huge variety out there.
where is the wedding?

 

[luvnmy2bys]

I was born and grew up in the south. Very much middle class. Most often there can be up to three showers or more given. I had three. One from "my" side, one from "his" side and one at church. Most often at the showers gifts were given in the $50 to $100 dollar range. At the church shower it was a pantry stocking shower with lots of staples for the house given (small utensils, dish towels, laundry soap, etc.) These were generally in the $20 range but there were upwards to 75-100 women in attendance. Both the family showers were given by mother/sister, MIL/SIL combo hosts. Monetary gifts were mostly given at the wedding itself for those that did not attend one of the showers. These were mostly in the $50- $100 range. We recieved about $1500 total from monetary gifts at the wedding. We had approx 225 guests. We did not have a sit down dinner, but a reception in the church gym with cake and finger foods. This is about 16 years ago but not much has changed around here.
chris

 

[littlele]

Ok, its been awhile since we were married (15 years!) and I haven't been to a wedding shower in awhile.

This shower is being given by the brides mother, what is up with that? Is that something new?
Or it is a regional thing where its done some places and not others?
It was always considered a huge no-no, in poor taste in polite society when I was growing up and getting married. The brides mom may have planned or payed for it but a cousin, sister in law or friend was named on the invitation as the hostess. (holding breath here as I have 3 DDs so !)

Also, what do you guys spend on a gift if you're also going the wedding? I realize it depends on how close you are and if the wedding is local or out of town.

Feedback anyone?

Around here is it extremely tacky for a mother to host a shower. It comes off as a bit greedy.

There's another big no-no that my own brother and his fiance committed-including registry cards in the invite. I am soooo embarassed as now it looks like they are only interested in the gifts, not celebrating with friends and family.

 

[rockin_rep]

Around here is it extremely tacky for a mother to host a shower. It comes off as a bit greedy.

There's another big no-no that my own brother and his fiance committed-including registry cards in the invite. I am soooo embarassed as now it looks like they are only interested in the gifts, not celebrating with friends and family.

Wow, this is a very timely question for our family, too!

Most mothers don't give showers around here either. But if they do, its usually the $$ part in secret, with someone else as the 'official' hostess.

We're received many invitations with registry cards too, but thats a good question, if they don't put them in the invitation, how do people know?

 

[Princess Michelle]

.

 

[Kae]

I don't mind the registry cards in shower invites beats geting stuff you don't want/like or need. How gcan it be greedy when a shower is to "shower the bride with gifts"? In our area in is the Aunts that give the showers. In my case it was my Aunt (dads brothers wife) & my older sisters MIL. And alot of times it is the MOB & MOG best friends.

Kae

 

[littlele]

I guess I should clarify..

The registry cards (aka advertisements) should not go in the wedding invites, based on the idea that sometimes the invite is more of an announcement for those whom you haven't spoken to in a while, who live far away, etc. and are not expected to attend. It says, 'I know you can't come, but I'd like a gift anyway'.

Unfortunately, I think my future SIL is like the bride mentioned previously (who wants to invite more to get more gifts) so I am thinking it is in poor taste to send these gift requests (for outrageous items, I might add )to far off relatives.

Every piece of ettiquette I've read suggests that if one wants to find a registry, a simple phone call, etc will do the trick.

 

[jagafen]

Even though it goes "against" etiquitte, I think it's becoming somewhat more of a norm nowadays. I personally don't see anything wrong with a MOB hosting a shower with the bridal party....

As far a gifiting goes, I generally plan on a $50 gift for the shower (from the registry), and from $75-$150 for the bridal couple depending on how well we know them/our relationship with them.

What I find horribly tacky are shower/wedding gifts with no thought/effort put into them....when my best friend got married, she recieved a crystal candy dish as a gift from one of her guests. She had no use/need for one, and took it to the store where she had registered (Macy's), planning on using the credit towards something that was still on her registry. When the salesperson scanned it, it came up as a $0.00 return.....the gift giver had recieved it "free with purchase" and then pawned it off on her!!!

 

[vickyBaby]

My mom is planning to host my bridal shower. My fiance and I are only having one attendant each and they are his children. His son will be his best man and his daughter will be my maid of honor, his daughter is only 16 and does not live in the same state as us so obviously she cannot give me a shower.

PrincessMichelle, that's what you get for not putting me and Cuppy in your bridal party!!!! We would have given you a mahvelous shower complete with turkey legs for everyone.

There is nothing wrong with a mother hosting a shower. It's very considerate of her NOT to saddle the bridesmaids with the expense.

 

[cbrfan]

I've always been under the assumption that it's not proper etiquette for a bridal (or baby) shower to be given by the mother of the bride or groom. It's usually given by bridesmaids, friends or aunts. That being said, I'm seeing more and more of it lately. I certainly understand the financial situation of many bridesmaids, but a shower could be considered one of the normal expenses of being a member of the bridal party. I don't remember ever hearing of a bachelor party being thrown by the father of the groom.
I've never been a big stickler about etiquette, but lately I've seen and heard of alot of showers where people are invited to the shower, but not to the wedding. BIG NO-NO in my book!!
Gift wise, it depends on how close we are to the couple. On average, I spend $30-50 for the shower gift, $100-200 for the wedding gift.

 

[deb24k]

IMO I am happy to share in someone's joyous occassion no matter who is hosting the shower (although I might draw the line at a bride throwing her own ). Clearly what is considered proper etiquite ranges throughout communities, however as a matron of honor who is spending close to $1500.00 on shower and wedding expenses I can fully understand why a mother of the bride, in good financial standing, would opt to aid a wedding party in expenses. In other cases there may not be a bridal party.

I also enjoy having notification of a gift registry for a shower. I prefer to get the couple something that they want or need. I am not offended as a shower's intention is to "shpwer the couple or bride to be with gifts. I would think an engagement party would be more inclined to be a gathering to simply share excitement with close friends and family. (IDK?)

We typically spend between $50.00-$100.00 for a shower gift and gift$100.00-$200.00 for attendding the wedding ($200.00 is reserved for close family members).

 

[Sally]

I was asked by my daughter's friend to host her wedding shower with her maid of honor/ my daughter. I served easy finger foods that cost next to nothing to make. On the invites I stated to RSVP to me when I got the calls most people asked what she needed and I took her list and told the person a certain item. She got everything she needed for their new home and most people didn't have to spend over $25. At the wedding however, she got some big ticket items and lots of cash. I think her mother said that when people called to ask what she needed, only those that didn't come to the shower, she told them the store where she was registered. I never had a wedding shower so no personal experience.

 

[sk!mom]

We're received many invitations with registry cards too, but thats a good question, if they don't put them in the invitation, how do people know?

Easy enough- I just go to the Target, Bed Bath Beyond, or Dept. Store website and do a registry search.


As far as who hosts, I don't think it's considered proper for close relatives to but really- A shower is nothing but a blatant request for gifts so what does it really matter who hosts. For my money, let whoever wants to or has the means to throw a good party host so at least attendees have a good time.

 

[crewriam816]

wow i must be a money hog because I feel $75 at most if you're attending both!
I spend $25 on the bridal shower gift, something nice. And about 40-50 on the actual gift for the wedding. Something for them as a couple.
Just my opinion. You can get really nice things for dirt cheap if you look around. Surpisingly I used to shop at the dollar store a lot and would get 90% of my chirstmas gifts there because what I would find wasnt "cheap". For my sister for her 21st birthday I found a lighter in the shape of a football with the gem stones that said new england patriots. The flame was green and went you flipped it upside down, the flame didnt turn towards the air but stayed facing the way you went. Pretty awesome lighter! $1.05. She thought it was close to $50. (it looked REALLY expensive)

 

[horseshowmom]

I agree that in our area the mother of the bride (or any other immediate family member, such as a sister or future in-laws) does not host the shower. It's usually done by a family member like an aunt or cousin.

DD is getting married next year, and she'll probably have a shower at church, probably one by her side of the family, and one by his side of the family. Let me add here that I've heard of people expecting the bridesmaids to purchase gifts for each of the showers. I personally think that's ridiculous (and pretty greedy besides).

We don't do shower presents AND wedding presents. The shower present is viewed as being the wedding present. Also, if it's somebody not particularly close (like a church shower) I usually spend about $25. If it's a family member, I'll spend about $35 to $50 - someone very close $50 to $100). Also, I look for coupons to try to get the most I can for the money I spend (like the $10 off coupon Bed Bath and Beyond just had online).

Like someone said, I generally check online to see where they're registered (at church we put it in the bulleting along with the announcement, but I've never seen a card put in with a wedding or shower invitation - it's usually word of mouth).

 

[kittychatalot]

I got married 10 years ago, and i had three showers. My best friend/maid of honor threw one with financial help from her mom andmy mom. My grandmother threw me one at a country club and my mother in law threw one at her home. Gifts averaged about $100 each. Most of my attendants came to all three and gave at probably 2 of the 3. Anyone who came to the shower then gave an averaqge of $250 at the wedding. The sharpest gift though was from my grandmother. We were going to Las vegas/Disneyland on our honeymoon so she bought a Vegas Monopoly game and replaced th emonopoly money wiht about $2000 in cash. It was the hit of the wedding!

 

[Rootskate]

I just received an invitation to my DH's neice's bridal shower. Her mom is the one hosting it. She is registered at 3 places. (The notices to where she was registered was in with the invitation.) She has registered for things ranging from $10.00 all the way up to over $500.00. I ended up getting her something for $120.00. Yikes, im glad this is the only wedding on the horizon for us this year!