Wedding/shower gifts for couple living together 20 yrs??

[SplshMtn99]

Invited to a wedding for a couple who has been living together for 20 yrs in a house they've owned together for almost as long. She states she wants nothing. The wedding is a 3 day/2 night affair at an out-of-state inn that is considered pricey to us & many others we've spoke with. Bride wants it to be more of a re-union. It's casual dress. (Not really sure what that means either.)

Today, we recieved a bridal shower invite. Professionally printed.

What do you get people that have lived together that long already? My problem with this is that they've called themselves married for so long, that a 3 day "expensive to guests" wedding just seems wrong. For what its costing us to stay at the inn.... we would NEVER have spent that much on ANY wedding couple. Now add a shower gift? And maybe a wedding gift? I'm not the only person that feels so. Heck stay at the inn thing has cut into any vacation fund we had for this year. (BTW, its an area with not many other hotel choices. Tried getting rooms elsewhere, yucky & all booked up. And at rates I don't even pay for a WDW room. Just insane.)

But on the other hand, I guess she's a bride & deserves a wedding....but at such a cost to guests?

I need CHEAP ideas.

 

[pearlieq]

I don't think the bride has done anything wrong. She's entitled to have her wedding wherever she chooses. If the cost is too great for you to come, decline the invite. Don't go and then spend the whole time resenting her about the cost--that's no fun for anyone! By the same token, she should understand that not all guests may want/be able to foot the bill to come to her wedding, and she should be gracious if they can't attend. That's the "deal" for a destination wedding, but there's nothing wrong with her choosing to have one.

There's also nothing wrong with her having a shower before her wedding, regardless of how long they've been together. Having a shower is a customary celebration before a wedding--it's not like they already got a "living together" shower and they're double-dipping...

As for gifts, hopefully they'll register, but if not, picture frames are great and can always be used. Candles and wine might be nice as a "relaxation kit" for them. A restaurant gift card might be appreciated as well.

Good luck picking something out!

 

[SplshMtn99]

She's NOT registered anywhere because she keeps saying she doesn't want any gifts. She just wants people to come for the party. The shower is a surprise she doesn't know anything about.

Frames are a good idea. I was thinking sheets too, but I don't know what size bed they have.

 

[disykat]

If you are good enough friends to travel for their wedding, do you have pictures of them? How about a photo album with a page or two of scrapbook style pages in it from pictures you have of them throughout the years.

I think I'd go to the shower and skip the wedding. I wouldn't spend my vacation money to attend a wedding of anyone, much less a couple that has already called themselves married for years. I'm guessing maybe that's why someone is giving them a shower - for the people that can't attend?

 

[SplshMtn99]

I am a scrapbooker, so that's a good idea. I don't have photos, but I know she used to like to do photo collages, so she might enjoy filling in the scrapbook.

The shower for others is a good point. Hadn't considered that?

All of DH's immediate family is going. He wanted to go. Oh & trust me, it's not THAT much of a "destination" wedding.

 

[Dopey Sharon]

Here's a perfect example of my view that not everyone getting married needs a shower. If they don't need anything, why are they having a shower? : I thought bridal showers were for the couple just starting out who needed everything for their home. If they already have a home and have been living in it for a while, they don't need anything, therefore, they don't need a shower.

I have been invited to showers where, along with the insert telling you where the couple were registered, they also had a slip telling you what travel agent they booked their honeymoon so that you could put money towards that!

I just think all these "give us gifts" parties are getting out of hand. My niece had an engagement party, a bridal shower, the wedding, a housewarming party when they moved into their apartment, and just recently another housewarming party when they bought a house. They haven't even been married a year yet!

I'm probably going to get flamed for my view so I'm going to put my fire retardant suit on now.

OP, can you just go to the wedding for the night, instead of the entire weekend, or is it too far away? If I didn't have the money, or had to dip into my savings, I wouldn't go either. I would just send them a card with $50 in it, wishing them much happiness.

 

[barkley]

i feel for you-we're not attending a wedding for a family member this upcoming weekend because of the location and the cost it entails (popular july 4th destination, no option to spend one night because hotels have minimum night rules for weekends/holidays and 12 hours of driving for a 2 hour total-stated in the invite-wedding/reception isnt practical with 2 kids).

i feel for those in the "wedding party"-they got sent an itinerary of all of their "events" and it's going to cost them a fortune! (with the exception of one "hosted" meal at a restaurant, several showers/bachelor/bachelorette parties, "get-togethers", "meet and greets"-all at different restaurants and eateries). i think it's a bit much asking people to put out the cost associated with being in a wedding, let alone the travel, the meals, the time off work-and then when they are a "captive audience" filling the entire weekend with multiple events that either hold the expectation of providing gifts or paying for the bride/grooms enjoyment.

as for your situation-the bride has made her wishes clear, and while i understand the good intentions behind the shower invite-i think people should respect her wishes. if you will be attending the shower and don't want to go without some type of gift-you can respect her wishes by making a donation in her name to a charity she would be supportive of-most will send you a gift card that aknowledges the donation but does not indicate a dollar amount (so you can base the donation on what you can afford).

 

[Miranda Danda]

Call me old-fashioned, but I do think it is polite for people who have lived together to ask for more stuff by having shower after shower. I am getting married in November to my boyfriend of 5 years and I am very proud to say we have not lived together and won't until we are married. I am not downing people who have, but my friend is getting married next month to a guy she moved in with in October 2005- weeks after they met. She has had 3 showers in two weeks!!!!!!!!!!! She even hosted one of them herself!!! I just find it to be a "gimme gimme" party!

The thing that gets me is in each invitation, they sent out a different place where she is registered so it's like they expect you to bring something different each time?!?!?!

 

[bettyann29]

Me and DF have lived together 5 years and are getting married next year.. I dont plan on having a shower as I also believe that showers are for when you are just starting out and need everything.. I just bought a house and we have everything we need.. Personally I wouldnt go to the shower but if you are semi close I would go to the wedding and just bring a gift then as it is customary to do so.. But Im not sure on your relationship with the couple.. If you are unable to attend the wedding than I would send a nice gift or money in a card with a family member to take to the wedding as a well wish for the happy couple..

 

[UnderTheMistletoe]

She's NOT registered anywhere because she keeps saying she doesn't want any gifts. She just wants people to come for the party. The shower is a surprise she doesn't know anything about.

I suspect she's saying that she doesn't want anything for one of two reasons: 1) Like most of us, they really don't need more stuff, or, 2) she recognizes the expense of "the Inn" and doesn't want people to feel obligates to bring a gift as well. It's a sad situation we've gotten ourselves into that when you're extending an invitation to your wedding that you have to consider, "Well, they'd be hurt if we didn't send an invitation, but it's unlikely that they will attend, but this could make them feel some sort of obligation to send more than well wishes."

She hasn't really done anything wrong etiquette-wise. She's a bride. She's chosen her location. And there's a shower being thrown for her. This is a very exciting time for them. I feel this is like the invitaitons we sent out for our Disney wedding in December. We knew there would be a lot of people that couldn't foot the bill for a family to attend during the peak holiday time (December 29). For those that could come, we were excited and very happy to see them. For those that could not for whatever reason or choosing, it goes with the territory.

Do what is right for your family financially. A wedding invitation is just that. An invitation. It means you have the option to send your regrets. This is their time and these are the things they've decided are important to them as a couple.

ETA: If she doesn't know about the shower, there's not a whole lot she can do as far as planning and avoiding the situation is concerned. I suspect that the person throwing the shower for her hasn't considered that other could think it taboo. It's probably a close friend or family member that wants her to finally have the wedding experience and consider this part of it. Again, I think there's the right-answer-for-your-family and that's the decision you have to make. Everyone's personal beliefs differ on these things, but you and your family know what you can and can't do (and what you do and don't want to do).

Good luck!
xoxo

 

[mickeyfan2]

Call me old-fashioned, but I do think it is polite for people who have lived together to ask for more stuff by having shower after shower. I am getting married in November to my boyfriend of 5 years and I am very proud to say we have not lived together and won't until we are married.

At least she admits to .

 

[mickeyfan2]

Skip the shower (the bride does not want gifts anyway), go to the wedding, take photos and then scrapbook the wedding as your gift for her.

 

[powellrj]

Our money and our time are both really tight. There is no way we could use the time or money it would take to attend an out-of-state wedding.

I think a lovey card with maybe a gift card to a nice resturant is plenty.

A little off topic, but my big pet peeve these days is people that have been married many times having large weddings. Hey, I went to your first 4 and gave you a gift. Count me out for #5.

 

[barkley]

o.k.-if we're listing pet peeves-how about the bride who does'nt send out the thank-you notes for the wedding/bridal shower until the pregnancy has been announced and the baby shower's been schedualed (i kid you not-2 1/2 years later we get thank you notes the same week the invites for the baby shower arrived, then no thank you notes for those until the next pregnancy/next shower ).

 

[Crankyshank]

The OP stated that the bride isn't aware of the shower so one can hardly call her greedy.
Still if her friend/family wants her to enjoy all of the pomp and circumstance of being a bride, I can hardly think of a reason to deny it. Even if they've been together for 20yrs. What about a nice bottle of wine? a gc to a local restaurant, a movie bucket for a fun evening in? weddings are stressful times for anyone - what about a gc for a manicure or pedicure?

 

[offwegotoneverland]

What about a charity donation in their name? Lots of places will give you a thank you for your gift note without a $ amount on it which would be tasteful.

Re the shower if she doesn't know it's not that much of a thing I would guess. (she can hardly stop something she doesn't know).

Could you or your DH give her a "gift certificate" for something to be done later (yard work, house painting a dinner at your place or something?)

It does sound as if your friend truly doesn't want stuff so would likely be ok with whatever gesture you make.

As to the whole wedding at an Inn...many couples are going that route to prevent any issues with guests who may have had a little too much fun at the party if you know what I mean. It's hard to say what an ok cost would be for others and she may have felt this would be ok. How far in advance did she let you know about it? (I would feel different about last minute higher cost than you had a year to think about it higher cost events)

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Since she states she wants nothing, I would abide by that.

I guess I don't understand the need to get someone something when they clearly state "no gifts".

 

[salmoneous]

The point of a shower is to celebrate an upcoming event. It's an excuse for a party. I'm always amazed at the number of DIS'ers who can find offense in being invited to a party.

Yes, there are folks out there who confuse inviting friends to a party with inviting friends to give them gifts. An initiation that includes information about a registry - or cash-gift alternatives - crosses over into tacky.

But here we have a bride-to-be telling everyone she doesn't want gifts and isn't even aware of the shower. So you've got your basic party - an excuse to get together with friends, eat cake and talk about weddings. All good in my book.

No gift is necessary. If you want to give a gift I'd suggest a bottle of wine, sauce, etc. or maybe a plant.

 

[CheshireVal]

Here's a perfect example of my view that not everyone getting married needs a shower. If they don't need anything, why are they having a shower? : I thought bridal showers were for the couple just starting out who needed everything for their home. If they already have a home and have been living in it for a while, they don't need anything, therefore, they don't need a shower.

But then you could argue that a woman who has been living on her own for a few years isn't entitled to a bridal shower, either.

 

[disykat]

The point of a shower is to celebrate an upcoming event. It's an excuse for a party. I'm always amazed at the number of DIS'ers who can find offense in being invited to a party.

Yes, there are folks out there who confuse inviting friends to a party with inviting friends to give them gifts. An initiation that includes information about a registry - or cash-gift alternatives - crosses over into tacky.

But here we have a bride-to-be telling everyone she doesn't want gifts and isn't even aware of the shower. So you've got your basic party - an excuse to get together with friends, eat cake and talk about weddings. All good in my book.

No gift is necessary. If you want to give a gift I'd suggest a bottle of wine, sauce, etc. or maybe a plant.

I disagree. The bride has said no gifts at the wedding and I would certainly abide by that. However, a "shower" is a gift occasion. While you can be creative with your choice of gifts or decline the invitation altogether, I see no polite way you can attend a "shower" without a gift. I think it's unfortunate and may embarasss the bride, but it is a "shower".