Wedding Question/Family Drama

[Boxley]

My brother and his girlfriend are getting married next summer. They already have two children who are going to be the flower girl and ring bearer. She'll be 4 and he'll 3. Okay, no problem. Think it's a cute idea for the kids to be in the wedding.

I offered to pay for the wedding photographer as my gift to them since I know money is really tight for them. Thought it would be a load off their mind. I was told by my future sister in law, "why would you spend the money when you aren't going to be in the wedding?" . I told her because I thought it would be a good gift for both of them and that I would make her a scrapbook of about 20 some photos from the scads that will be taken at the wedding that she could select so they would have a beautiful book of memories. It had nothing to do with being a wedding party member or not. It was going to be my gift, regardless.

My other brother and his wife are going to be in the wedding party and my fab sister in law asked the future to be sister in law on Easter Sunday why I wasn't in the wedding-she told my sister in law(in front of the entire family) it was because I was too fat and she didn't want fat people to be in her wedding and if I would loose another 80 lbs, I could be in the wedding. I lost 80 lbs when I was in the hospital, very sick for 3 months, so it wasn't because I was dieting. I currently weigh 182 lbs.

I am not going to diet to be in her wedding. She's just going to have to accept me as I am and at what weight I am at now. If I'm not in the wedding, not a big deal. I'll go and be a guest, enjoy myself, and leave when it's over.

I'm trying to avoid the drama with this situation and let it drop, but everyone in our family is making this a huge mess. My brother is pissed off and thinks leaving me out is wrong. The future in law's 2 sisters and 3 brothers are in the wedding party as well as my other brother, his wife, and their son. I am the only one on either side that is not being included in the wedding party.

So, should I speak up about things or just let it go?

I do not think you should put one red penny towards the wedding. I am in favor of supporting a brother but then again although he is upset by what his fiance said, I do not see him making a move to tell his fiance that her behavior was rude and that she owes you an apology. Where is his support for you? I think you should take the money from the photographer and buy yourself an absolutely beautiful dress, get your hair done, mani-pedi the works and show the bride that you are still beautiful inside and out whereas she....

 

[marypoppinswannabe]

Some people are so inconsiderate... How incredibly shallow of her to say that.

The way you told the story sounds like you were not present when she said that. If that were the case, why did someone feel the need to tell you what was said? UGH!!! Some things are better left unknown....

If I were you, I would leave it alone and move on. If you offered to pay for the pictures, I would still do that... Sometimes, overlooking an offense has a much better return in the long run. In this situation, that might not be the case, but at least you can hold your head up high, knowing that you took the high road.

I am sorry she said that about you.

 

[pktbMouse]

can you say...BRIDEZILLLLLAAAA!!!!
Listen I own a wedding business and have to deal with no end of bratty brides that think they can tread mercilessly on peoples feelings just because they are getting married. Her behavior is NOT acceptable and neither is your Brothers if he allows it to happen. Just feeling bad about it is not enough!
Its is NOT just about her, its also about the Groom, family and friends also, a wedding is a ceremony and a party. Period.
Let her and your brother know how your feelings have been hurt and if they are still not willing to have you in the wedding party I would seriously reconsider even showing up let alone buy them a gift. You will no way be in the wrong if you decide to do this.

 

[leebee]

I have been in a similar situation. It was embarrassing to make too much of it; after all, it just means calling attention to your weight over and over. (BTW, I would KILL for the chance to see 182 again!). You sound like you are willing to overlook her lack of humanity and just go to the wedding and have a good time. That's what I did; went to my sib's wedding and was happy for him, because I love him. I was more than civil to her- after all, she was becoming my brother's wife. I just let it drop and if anyone asked me about it, I just said it isn't worth ruining the family's future about. It all blew over. Of course, I wasn't heartbroken when they got divorced

 

[HappyGilmore]

I'd forget hiring the photographer and go buy two of those throw away digital cameras- one for the bridesmaids and one for the groomsmen. Show up on the wedding day and hand them over to the wedding party and tell them to have at it. Then I would take the money that you would have spent on a a professional photographer and book yourself and your wonderful family a Disney vacation.

 

[bumbershoot]

Since it's your brother, I can't say to not go, or to give nothing.

But if I were in such a situation, I would probably give a gift you know that your brother, and ONLY your brother, would enjoy and appreciate. Does he collect comics? Does he enjoy going to football games (and she doesn't?)? etc etc. Something that you could give, but it would only be appreciated by him.

Maybe I'd do that...maybe not. Not sure.

 

[Mrs. Charming]

My brother and his girlfriend are getting married next summer. They already have two children who are going to be the flower girl and ring bearer. She'll be 4 and he'll 3. Okay, no problem. Think it's a cute idea for the kids to be in the wedding.

I offered to pay for the wedding photographer as my gift to them since I know money is really tight for them. Thought it would be a load off their mind. I was told by my future sister in law, "why would you spend the money when you aren't going to be in the wedding?" . I told her because I thought it would be a good gift for both of them and that I would make her a scrapbook of about 20 some photos from the scads that will be taken at the wedding that she could select so they would have a beautiful book of memories. It had nothing to do with being a wedding party member or not. It was going to be my gift, regardless.

My other brother and his wife are going to be in the wedding party and my fab sister in law asked the future to be sister in law on Easter Sunday why I wasn't in the wedding-she told my sister in law(in front of the entire family) it was because I was too fat and she didn't want fat people to be in her wedding and if I would loose another 80 lbs, I could be in the wedding. I lost 80 lbs when I was in the hospital, very sick for 3 months, so it wasn't because I was dieting. I currently weigh 182 lbs.

I am not going to diet to be in her wedding. She's just going to have to accept me as I am and at what weight I am at now. If I'm not in the wedding, not a big deal. I'll go and be a guest, enjoy myself, and leave when it's over.

I'm trying to avoid the drama with this situation and let it drop, but everyone in our family is making this a huge mess. My brother is pissed off and thinks leaving me out is wrong. The future in law's 2 sisters and 3 brothers are in the wedding party as well as my other brother, his wife, and their son. I am the only one on either side that is not being included in the wedding party.

So, should I speak up about things or just let it go?

That was totally rude and uncalled for. I'd be totally insulted because you're about in my weight range (non-pregnant). Sounds like you have a potential bridezilla on your hands, be happy you're "just a guest." That way, you can do what you want, wear what you want, eat and drink what you want, and be happy. This is a battle best not fought!

 

[MiniGirl]

I have been in a similar situation. It was embarrassing to make too much of it; after all, it just means calling attention to your weight over and over. (BTW, I would KILL for the chance to see 182 again!). You sound like you are willing to overlook her lack of humanity and just go to the wedding and have a good time. That's what I did; went to my sib's wedding and was happy for him, because I love him. I was more than civil to her- after all, she was becoming my brother's wife. I just let it drop and if anyone asked me about it, I just said it isn't worth ruining the family's future about. It all blew over. Of course, I wasn't heartbroken when they got divorced

I have not been in this situation, but I agree with this post completely. Making a fuss or even acknowledging it would only put my weight in the spotlight again and again, and THAT would bother me a lot more than being left out of a wedding. (Of course, I hate being in wedding parties and promised myself I'd just say no if ever asked again. LOL!!) And yes, I would also be civil to her. Seriously, some people just aren't worth it.

 

[HunnyPots]

Oh boy. All these nasty wedding stories leave me hoping both my kids will just elope when they decide to get married.

Honestly, no good can come from all of your family getting mixed up in this mess, even though they are justified in sticking up for you. I think I'd ask them all to just let it go. Even if she apologized or asked you to be in the wedding, it won't be sincere. Weddings seem to bring out the worst in even the nicest families.

 

[PixieTopaz]

My brother and his girlfriend are getting married next summer. They already have two children who are going to be the flower girl and ring bearer. She'll be 4 and he'll 3. Okay, no problem. Think it's a cute idea for the kids to be in the wedding.


My other brother and his wife are going to be in the wedding party and my fab sister in law asked the future to be sister in law on Easter Sunday why I wasn't in the wedding-she told my sister in law(in front of the entire family) it was because I was too fat and she didn't want fat people to be in her wedding and if I would loose another 80 lbs, I could be in the wedding. I lost 80 lbs when I was in the hospital, very sick for 3 months, so it wasn't because I was dieting. I currently weigh 182 lbs.

I am not going to diet to be in her wedding. She's just going to have to accept me as I am and at what weight I am at now. If I'm not in the wedding, not a big deal. I'll go and be a guest, enjoy myself, and leave when it's over.

I'm trying to avoid the drama with this situation and let it drop, but everyone in our family is making this a huge mess. My brother is pissed off and thinks leaving me out is wrong. The future in law's 2 sisters and 3 brothers are in the wedding party as well as my other brother, his wife, and their son. I am the only one on either side that is not being included in the wedding party.

So, should I speak up about things or just let it go?

She wants you to weigh 100 lbs? That is sick

I would NOT give her the gift of a photographer. period. Give her a picture frame

 

[jfoofj]

Wow... just wow. I can't even imagine that the size of bridesmaids would cross a brides mind (I was too busy worrying about MY size to care what my bridesmaids were). When I was married I had bridesmaids that ranged in size 2 to 16. I would have never not included someone because they were, in my opinion, too fat... or too skinny. (Frankly, I think my bridesmaid who was a size 2 was too skinny, but I would have never voiced that to anyone.) That is so shallow. I feel for your brother, what if, God forbid, he was in a disfiguring accident? Would she call off the wedding and break up with him to find a better looking groom? Hopefully this is an isolated thing with her and doesn't speak of her true character.



ETA- Have you priced out photographers? It is pretty expensive... I paid $1100 for ours. It is a very generous gift that you are giving, I just wasn't sure if you knew how much they ran, of course, I'm sure the prices vary regionally. Everything in MA seems more expensive to me.

 

[Chelley00]

Horrible. Screw her.

I would still go to the wedding, not for her, but for your brother. Sometimes we all have to be the bigger person.



I wouldn't, however, pay for a photographer, because as nasty and rude as she is, I doubt they'll stay married long and they'll just burn the pictures and scrapbook.

 

[rumrunnergirl]

.

 

[PinballFamily]

I don't really have an opinion on sticking to your gift idea or not - but as a scrapbooker, I like to give my work to folks who I KNOW will appreciate it. This chick sounds doubtful... Scrapping is expensive and time-consuming, and she doesn't come across as dripping with gratitude.

I do agree with the other posters - honey, you've dodged a bullet here! If she finally (ever) does get around to grudgingly asking you, your reply could be "Thank you so much for wanting to include me, but sorry, I'm unable to be in your wedding party. I am looking forward to the lovely day, though." Can you imagine having to be a member of the "team" having to shell out $$$ (and lots of time!) for this 'zilla's shower, bachelorette party, ugly BM gown/shoes..., etc. and being at her beck and call during the wedding planning? Yikes! She wouldn't see a penny or minute of MINE! I totally agree with the other PPs who have said to take every single penny of that "would have spent" money and put it into a "I'm going to Disney!" box or envelope.

You are truly lucky - and I also believe that such a mean and shallow person will get what's coming to her. Bride or no-bride, she is just ugly.

 

[Pigeon]

You are handling this with grace and class. This woman is an arrested 12 year old.

And being a bridesmaid is an expensive ordeal, so from that perspective you are lucky not to have to endure it.

But oh, boy, she is shallow, and I hope your brother can stand her once they are married.

 

[Deesknee]

I didn't read all the post, I apologize if this has been said.

I do agree that a person weighing 182lbs, doesn't need to loose 80 lbs....unless you are 2 feet tall.

I also agree good luck to your brother. Perhaps there is a reason they have waited until now to marry?

Lastly, in this case I think I would go with say what you mean, mean what you say, but don't be mean when you say it. Perhaps..... "Gee, I thought having someone oversized in your wedding might make you look better!" Oh, no that WOULD be mean huh?

Continue to love your brother, his children, be kind. Most likely she won't be in his life forever & you will be glad you were the better person. Not having fed resentment between you & your brother.

Good luck. Although I don't know what you look like, just from this post you are a beautiful person. Smile & enjoy the wedding.

 

[Shelby5514]

Wow, she's a piece of work. Thank your lucky stars that you are not in this wedding, I'm sure there will be a lot more drama when it comes time to pick out dresses, shoes, hairstyles etc... BRIDEZILLA comes to mind.

As for the photographer, be careful. Depending on the photographer and what services he offers, she could really rack up a hefty bill that you could be stuck with.

 

[nunzia]

Wow....I feel sorry for your brother and the rest of the family for having such a person joining your family. I would say nothing, be supportive of my brother and know that what goes around comes around. I also would not waste my money on a photographer or making a scrapbook, as I don't see this union lasting. Just amazing how some people can be.

 

[ThurlFan]

I would probably give a gift you know that your brother, and ONLY your brother, would enjoy and appreciate.

May I suggest a spine, and a pair of...

 

[shalom]

I am not going to diet to be in her wedding. She's just going to have to accept me as I am and at what weight I am at now. If I'm not in the wedding, not a big deal. I'll go and be a guest, enjoy myself, and leave when it's over.

Excellent attitude. I agree with those who've said that, if this is the bride's attitude, you're probably happier outside the wedding party anyhow. Yeesh!

I would continue doing as you have been doing. Your future SIL will most likely do something else equally classy sooner rather than later, and this particular issue will be dropped in favor of that one. It's an uncomfortable position to be in, but that's the hazard of living in a society that thinks someone else's weight is everybody's business.

I liked this advice:

Ask your brother if he still wants you to pay for photography. If yes, then I'd do it since since the offer was made already. If not, I'd just buy some disposable cameras to put on the reception tables and then make a scrapbook out of those pictures. I'd do it for your brother because he surely doesn't need punishment coming from his family and his wife. No matter what happens down the road with her - you will always be his family and he will want to remember your civility during this difficult time.

Then go to the wedding (for your brother's sake) and have a great time! I agree with a PP - put the money saved not having to buy a bridesmaid's dress/shoes/etc. towards your next Disney trip! That will keep you smiling during the wedding activities.