Wedding payment advice!

[ronandannette]

Let's work this backwards - there's been lots of threads about this issue from the perspective of the parents:
"My DS and future DDIL are mature adults and live independent lives in a city away from ours. They have planned an interesting wedding to suit their own style, with no input from us. Up until now there has not been any discussion between us about how it will be paid for. We are greatly looking forward to the event and would like to contribute but don't know what might be appropriate. We're not familiar with how much these arrangements cost, nor are we sure we're able to cover any specific item due to our own personal circumstances (that DS may or may not be aware of). What should we do??"

If this was the question, most of us would tell the parents to decide for themselves how much they are able and willing to give, and to offer it as a lump-sum to be used as the couple sees fit (no strings attached). That scenario tends be the simplest with the best odds of an uncomplicated outcome. Congratulations!

 

[rwdavis2]

I would pay for it mself.

 

[JanaDee]

I would pay for it mself.

Me, too.

 

[Nancyg56]

That sort of sounds like picking your way through a minefield.

DON'T DO IT!

It's best to learn now how to avoid family traps just like this.

Actually, you've had some great advice already. Lay your budget out and let them commit on their own.

And congrats on the wedding!

You said it! Best ting to learn as a newly married couple is how to stay out of the fray!!

 

[rwdavis2]

Me, too.

Thanks. We've told both our daughters they are paying for their own weddings. We paid for ours. Besides they both got out of college with no debt. We've done our part.

 

[NewRVLady]

I'm surprised how much your wedding is costing considering what you are having, particularly not inviting people to the important part -- the wedding!

Me too?!
Sounds like a free venue-the park
A bar B Q....so maybe $20 a person???
Is the $8k to cover your dress also?

 

[JanaDee]

Thanks. We've told both our daughters they are paying for their own weddings. We paid for ours. Besides they both got out of college with no debt. We've done our part.

I would agree.

 

[Ceila]

Me too?!
Sounds like a free venue-the park
A bar B Q....so maybe $20 a person???
Is the $8k to cover your dress also?

Are you serious? I'm guessing you haven't planned en event in quite some time.

She said the $8,000 was for both the ceremony as well as the party 2 weeks later. Here are just a few of the things that could cost money:

The botanical garden probably has a fee, and even public parks can as well if you're hosing an event there.
Officiant
Flowers for both the ceremony and the reception
Music at both
Table and chair rentals for reception
Food and drinks (possibly open bar?)
And much more...

 

[Goofy_Disney_Dad]

I wonder if they'll have jelly buns on the menu

 

[Bluestars]

I would let my future husband talk to his parents and work out whatever amount they are comfortable giving.

 

[jodifla]

Are you serious? I'm guessing you haven't planned en event in quite some time.

She said the $8,000 was for both the ceremony as well as the party 2 weeks later. Here are just a few of the things that could cost money:

The botanical garden probably has a fee, and even public parks can as well if you're hosing an event there.
Officiant
Flowers for both the ceremony and the reception
Music at both
Table and chair rentals for reception
Food and drinks (possibly open bar?)
And much more...

Totally serious. It of course depends on how many people are coming to the reception, but that's pretty high for a "simple" wedding. I host a party with an open bar every Christmas for about 75 people and it costs in the hundreds, not thousands.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

It's probably regional

 

[Laura66]

Are you serious? I'm guessing you haven't planned en event in quite some time.

She said the $8,000 was for both the ceremony as well as the party 2 weeks later. Here are just a few of the things that could cost money:

The botanical garden probably has a fee, and even public parks can as well if you're hosing an event there.
Officiant
Flowers for both the ceremony and the reception
Music at both
Table and chair rentals for reception
Food and drinks (possibly open bar?)
And much more...

I know! We have hosted 2 backyard graduation parties that were around 3K each before it was all said and done!

 

[aprilgail]

Thanks. We've told both our daughters they are paying for their own weddings. We paid for ours. Besides they both got out of college with no debt. We've done our part.

I told my daughter she is on her own for a wedding too- my job as a parent is to get her through school and into adulthood, I will cover school (that includes college!) but a wedding-if you are adult enough to get married then you should be adult enough to pay for your own wedding.

 

[Disneybuckeye]

Why is it so terrible for parents to contribute to their children's wedding if they want to? My parents paid for my college, gave me a car, and paid for my wedding. We paid for our children's college, gave them all a car, and will give each one a set amount towards their wedding so they can do what they want with it. We would do it because we want to, not because we have to. Yes, my kids all have great jobs, but DH and I enjoy helping them out and it makes zero difference to our life style. If a parent cannot afford it, then they don't contribute and that is fine too. Every family and situation is different. That does not make them right or wrong for whatever they decide to do. DH's mother did not pay a penny towards our wedding and DH and I paid for the rehearsal dinner. It was what it was and it was fine.

OP, I would have your fiance discuss this with his parents. He should know them well enough to know if presenting the budget and letting them give what they want, or ask for them to pay for a particular item, is the best way to go. It is a nice offer from them and do not feel bad for not refusing their money. I have two sons and a daughter and will treat them all the same. I would be disappointed if they turned me down about helping pay for their wedding.

Lastly, ignore people's comments about $8k for your wedding. It sounds very inexpensive to me and it is your wedding to do as you wish. Congrats and best wishes.

 

[nkereina]

Thanks all for the feedback! And big thanks to everyone who has given well wishes

I'm surprised how much your wedding is costing considering what you are having, particularly not inviting people to the important part -- the wedding!

Totally serious. It of course depends on how many people are coming to the reception, but that's pretty high for a "simple" wedding. I host a party with an open bar every Christmas for about 75 people and it costs in the hundreds, not thousands.

Me too?!
Sounds like a free venue-the park
A bar B Q....so maybe $20 a person???
Is the $8k to cover your dress also?

Jodi, if you can do a dinner party with alcohol for 75 people for less than a grand, please send me the vendors you are using! I'd love to hire them! But seriously, any helpful tips on that I'd appreciate. We will have double that amount of people.

My dress was $179 from David's Bridal and I paid for it myself. We have 150 guests. The park is not free, its a county park. It's $400 for the enclosed building pavilion. It only holds 75 people, so we are also renting a tent, and the same company is also providing the tables and chairs for the tent and the park (which are not included with the park) as well as linens - $1000. Flowers are $400. The pig roast is $20 per person. For alcohol, we are budgeting about $2000 (caterer handles this). Our ceremony spot is $400, officiant is $400, dinner after the ceremony maybe $500, and photographer for both days is $1000. No DJ, no limo. It adds up very quickly, even though we're trying to do something casual. Since our wedding ceremony will be private, we're trying to keep the reception as a celebration, just a party.

Let's work this backwards - there's been lots of threads about this issue from the perspective of the parents:
"My DS and future DDIL are mature adults and live independent lives in a city away from ours. They have planned an interesting wedding to suit their own style, with no input from us. Up until now there has not been any discussion between us about how it will be paid for. We are greatly looking forward to the event and would like to contribute but don't know what might be appropriate. We're not familiar with how much these arrangements cost, nor are we sure we're able to cover any specific item due to our own personal circumstances (that DS may or may not be aware of). What should we do??"

If this was the question, most of us would tell the parents to decide for themselves how much they are able and willing to give, and to offer it as a lump-sum to be used as the couple sees fit (no strings attached). That scenario tends be the simplest with the best odds of an uncomplicated outcome. Congratulations!

Thanks. Just to clarify (because I hate assumptions), they did have input - we ran our ideas by both families before anything was planned, they gave us feedback, they gave us a list of their friends and family they wanted to invite. My future in-laws have been involved since jump street. There has been discussions about paying for things between us - we assumed we'd pay for everything, but when we started getting serious about planning/booking, my parents graciously offerd to cover the costs. I'm an only child, so their only daughter, and they have put money away for this moment. My future in-laws, unprovoked, graciously offered to help financially as well but have been adamant about not committing to an amount. I'm guessing they are willing to help however they can, and are afraid they will offer too little (in their minds). That's why I think showing them a list of our costs will be helpful.

I would pay for it mself.

We had planned to, but as an only child with parents who are traditional (and have put away money for it), they've offered (short of insisted) to pay. I know it's 2015 but I'll go out on a limb and say there's still plenty of parents who pay for their 27 year old child's first wedding. But we're still very grateful and never assumed it would be the case.

I wonder if they'll have jelly buns on the menu

This is my wedding, not a joke.

 

[NewRVLady]

Well at least I had the barBQ amount ($20) right

Actually , the reception sounds REALLY nice!

I would have your fiancée talk to his parents
My son discussed the upcoming rehearsal dinner with me-they really wanted it at a certain venue and we could swing it (BUT I had to nix adding all the Aunts and uncles....with them, the # would be 75!)

 

[nkereina]

Well at least I had the barBQ amount ($20) right

Actually , the reception sounds REALLY nice!

I would have your fiancée talk to his parents
My son discussed the upcoming rehearsal dinner with me-they really wanted it at a certain venue and we could swing it (BUT I had to nix adding all the Aunts and uncles....with them, the # would be 75!)

Thank you! I think I'm going to do a combination of some of the advice I've received by listing out all our anticipated vendor costs, and have my fiance show his parents that. I think that's the easiest, and least awkward approach.

Thanks again all for the feedback!

 

[TipsyTraveler]

I would straight up tell your in-laws that you appreciate their generous offer but you aren't comfortable telling them how much they should give. That has to be their decision and they're under no obligation to give anything at all. Then, continue to plan the wedding that YOU can afford and if they come through with a contribution, bonus. They may just choose to give a cash gift at the wedding and you can put that towards the honeymoon instead.

Also, don't feel like you need to justify how you're spending 8k on a wedding. Costs add up quickly and, since the average cost of a wedding is supposedly around 30k, it sounds like you've done a good job keeping it under control.

Congrats!

 

[ronandannette]

Thanks all for the feedback! And big thanks to everyone who has given well wishes

Thanks. Just to clarify (because I hate assumptions), they did have input - we ran our ideas by both families before anything was planned, they gave us feedback, they gave us a list of their friends and family they wanted to invite. My future in-laws have been involved since jump street. There has been discussions about paying for things between us - we assumed we'd pay for everything, but when we started getting serious about planning/booking, my parents graciously offerd to cover the costs. I'm an only child, so their only daughter, and they have put money away for this moment. My future in-laws, unprovoked, graciously offered to help financially as well but have been adamant about not committing to an amount. I'm guessing they are willing to help however they can, and are afraid they will offer too little (in their minds). That's why I think showing them a list of our costs will be helpful.

I wasn't meaning to "assume" about your situation exactly, only to set up a premise that we often see here on the DIS when parents are being asked/expected/want to contribute to wedding expenses. It sounds like all of you are getting along really well with the planning except for this little game of "chicken" where nobody wants to say a number. Perhaps then you and the groom's parents would be more comfortable going strictly by the rules of etiquette: https://www.theknot.com/content/what-are-the-grooms-parents-expected-to-pay-for

For the record, I don't actually think a bridal couple needs to ask for anybody's input or agreement on their wedding plans as long as they are not expecting anyone else to finance it. I also think parents should contribute based on their ability without any expectation of being able to dictate terms. End of the day, I wish you all well - the event sounds fun and again I offer my best wishes. (Oh, and FWIW, I love jelly beans - you should definitely serve some!!)