Wedding Gift Question

[Pooh_Friend#1]

One of my coworkers is getting married next month. I have known her for about a year and another coworker and I are throwing her a bridal shower. My question is what is the etiquette for gift giving. Do I bring a present for both the shower and the wedding? Do I bring a gift just for the wedding since I am helping throw her a bridal shower? Any help would be grateful.

- Heidi

 

[stinkerbelle]

regardless if I was throwing the shower, I would still give a gift.
maybe I wouldn't spend as much as I normally would if I wasn't shelling out money for the shower itself, but I'd still give something.

a shower and a wedding are 2 different events
2 invitations
2 gifts
2 (hopefully) thank you cards

 

[puffkin]

Definitely give a gift to both. I would scale back the shower gift though since you are throwing the shower. I am sure your co-worker will understand a smaller gift is due to you throwing the shower.

 

[Pooh_Friend#1]

That's what I was thinking but I became hesitant because when my sister got married, some of the guests brought a large shower gift but didn't give her anything at the wedding, so I wasn't sure if that was the norm or not.

Another question: Being that she is a coworker, not close friends, how much should I spend on the gifts?

 

[stinkerbelle]

Originally posted by Pooh_Friend#1
That's what I was thinking but I became hesitant because when my sister got married, some of the guests brought a large shower gift but didn't give her anything at the wedding, so I wasn't sure if that was the norm or not.

Another question: Being that she is a coworker, not close friends, how much should I spend on the gifts?

are you sure these other guests didn't bring an "envelope" to the wedding instead of an actual gift?

regardless.

Personally, on a co-worker, I would keep it in the $30-50 range (I know that sounds like a lot...but I normally spend $100 - $150 on shower gifts for friends)

maybe just get her some towels off her registry and arrange them in a basket with some soaps/bubble bath or something.

 

[Aimeedyan]

This is regional.

Here, you give ONE gift - either at the shower or the wedding. We had a big wedding, and not ONE person gave a gift to both, it was either or.

So you may be right in thinking that in your area, one gift is fine. BUt if you aren't sure, then I would be safe and give to both.

I'd never heard of giving a gift to both occasions until I started posting on The Knot when I was planning my wedding. It's a NE thing. Plus they give HUGE amounts of money as a wedding gift, while all gifts here are GIFTS not money, always off the registry, and usually less than $50.

I couldn't afford to live in the NE - or host a wedding there!

I would ask around to some other brides to see what the norm is.

 

[lovemygoofy]

I'm with Aimeedyan on this one. I was taught that only one gift was sufficient for the wedding, whether a shower gift or an actual wedding gift. Of course, I was also taught that you don't invite people to more than one formal shower and that bridemaids shouldn't have to bring to all the showers that they are present for unless they just want to.

Here is a question though: I read in Miss Manners that you should not bring a gift to the wedding, even though many do. It should be given at a shower or sent before or after the wedding. Bringing a present supposedly is a hassle for the family of the wedding couple because the couple shouldn't have to deal with it on that day. What do you think? (Sorry not trying to hijack the thread)

Tina

 

[stinkerbelle]

Originally posted by lovemygoofy
Here is a question though: I read in Miss Manners that you should not bring a gift to the wedding, even though many do. It should be given at a shower or sent before or after the wedding. Bringing a present supposedly is a hassle for the family of the wedding couple because the couple shouldn't have to deal with it on that day. What do you think? (Sorry not trying to hijack the thread)

Yes, it can be a hassle...sometimes.
we didn't have many "gifts" at our wedding...but we still had to load up a rolling cart with those gifts, the envelopes, guest book, other crap that we had brought to the reception.

it DOES make it easier if you have less to deal with at the end of the day/night when the bride/groom are exhausted.

IMO - Miss Manners can be very outdated...as well as Emily Post. Yes, some of their "etiquette" still applies...but, it's 2004...times change.

do what YOU are comfortable with. I doubt a bride/groom will COMPLAIN about having to move a gift.

 

[RadioNate]

I would bring a gift to the shower and another to the wedding. Like others have posted I usually give a check at the wedding. Usually about $50 per person. In our circle the general rule of thumb is that you should give about how much the bride/groom are spending on you.

I usually spend about $50 on a shower gift.

In the OPs case I would bring a small gift to the shower and then what ever she is comfortable with for the wedding.

I hosted a shower last week and I spent less on that gift since I was also paying for the shower.

2 invitations, 2 gifts...I've never heard of doing one or the other but not both. I'm from the midwest. I know we got 2 gifts.

That being said I noticed Aimeedyan is in TX. The shower I hosted last week was in TX and I was SHOCKED that some people didn't bring gifts. I actually was pretty angry because we spent a fortune on this shower and these people couldn't even spend $20 on a gift for the bride and groom. I felt totally taken advantage of! Now after Aimeedyan's post I realize that maybe they 1) sent the gift 2) are just getting a wedding gift. That makes me feel a lot better even though I still feel 2 gifts should be given.

 

[stinkerbelle]

Originally posted by RadioNate
In our circle the general rule of thumb is that you should give about how much the bride/groom are spending on you.

That makes me feel a lot better even though I still feel 2 gifts should be given.

First off...I would feel like a heel for showing up to what is traditionaly a "gift giving event" empty handed.

that whole "give enough to cover your plate rule" is nice, but not always the case.

i've been to weddings where the per-plate cost has run from $7 (that was an interesting wedding) to $130 per person.

we generally give in the $150 - 200 range at weddings.

 

[kimwim8]

Is the shower that you are throwing a "work shower"? Are her bridal attendants/family still throwing her a bridal shower?

If this is a work shower...

Collect money from co-workers to cover the cost of food/snacks, decorations, and possibly a group gift - and then that would cover your gift problem.

If you are throwing the official bridal shower...

In my area, I've never known people to give gifts to either the shower or the wedding. Everyone ALWAYS has a shower and you get a gift from everyone that attends. Not everyone can spend a lot of money, but they always give something. So if you are throwing the only bridal shower, I would definitely get a gift, even if it's $25 or something that is worth more money, but you catch it on sale! And I would treat the wedding gift as something completely seperate.

 

[puffkin]

I just got married in June. For my shower, I pretty much got exclusively things off my registry. I only got money from two people. My mom paid for most of my shower. My bridesmaids also helped a little, and they all went together and got me one of the larger things off my registry.

I only got 5 presents at the wedding. Everything else was cards with money or gift cards. My general rule of thumb for weddings is $50 per couple, but for close friends/family I give $75-$100. We are young and just starting out though, so that is a lot of money. My parents generally give $150-$200 to family and close friends. It is amazing though what people give at weddings. Ours was a fairly nice affair, and we had some people give $20 for a couple. Now, in some situations, I completely understood because I knew that they didn't really have a lot of money, but some people are very financially sound and still were cheap (they would have spent more than that on a nice meal at a restaurant). Then there were others that gave WAY too much. I almost felt that I should give some back. Give what you are comfortable with, I am sure the bride will understand.

 

[kadaten]

A southern perspective...

If you attend the shower, you bring a gift.
If you attend the wedding, you bring (or send) a gift.
If you attend both, you give presents for both. Two event, two gifts.

If you're invited to multiple showers, then you can be excused. Normally, the bride will say something along the lines of "I'd love you to be at my other shower, too, but please don't bring another gift. I really just want you to meet so-and-so who will be there!" Or whatever the reason is she wants you to attend more than one....

In our area, shower presents are usually smaller than wedding presents.

Personally, I spend $75-100 on weddings and around $50 on showers for friends. The amount you spend depends only on what you can afford and how close you are to the couple.

Some people only use the registry, some people find their own gifts. The only gift that wasn't appreciated was the one that had obviously been "regifted". THAT was REALLY tacky.

On hosting, whether it's a work shower or not: if you're the hostess, you host the shower (meaning pay for it). It is kinda tacky to "pass the hat" to cover expenses. If you need help with it, have a co-host or two, or do a smaller shower. But it's not polite to ask people to pay their own way to an event where there expected to bring a present, too.....

As for whether you can bring gifts to the wedding...yes, I've seen Miss Manners say it's tacky due to the hardship placed on the couple. But I don't think it's as big a crime as she makes it out to be.... I *do* admit, however, that we REALLY appreciated that most people sent them to our parents' homes in the weeks before the wedding. We moved the week we got back from the honeymoon, and it was just one less thing for us to worry about. The parents brought them down when they came to see the new place. So nice and convenient.... And that's why I order off the registry and have it mailed to the couple about 2-4 weeks before the wedding.

Just my 2 cents...take it for what it's worth.

 

[Pooh_Friend#1]

Yes, it is a "work shower." All of her family and friends live outside of the state, and her bridesmaids are out of state too so this will be her only shower. The other coworker and I felt that it is sad that she wasn't going to get a shower so we took it upon ourselves to throw one for her.

With my sister's wedding I was the maid of honor and very involved with the wedding and know for a fact that guests who attended the shower and the wedding only brought one gift. I thought it was unusual but I thought maybe that was the norm now. She got married a year ago in September.

Thanks for all your opinions.

 

[lilpritch04]

Shower gifts are generally smaller than wedding gifts (cost less) and are presented to the b2b or the couple if it's a co-ed shower.

Wedding gifts are sent in advance to the couple's home or whatever address the registry has (sometimes the bride's parents)

We had a gift table at our wedding and would never complain about having to bring the gifts home, but I'm glad most of our guests sent them in advance. Many dept ship for free of the registry. I know MF does and I think some others do as well.

 

[stinkerbelle]

Originally posted by Pooh_Friend#1
Yes, it is a "work shower." All of her family and friends live outside of the state, and her bridesmaids are out of state too so this will be her only shower. The other coworker and I felt that it is sad that she wasn't going to get a shower so we took it upon ourselves to throw one for her.

What a nice coworker you are! that is really sweet!

I feel that "passing the hat" to cover expenses is FINE in an office/work environment...I can't tell you how many times I've chipped in money for this shower or that.

we've usually given either a piece of china or a big gift card to the place she registered

 

[puffkin]

My husbands work had a shower for him. How they generally do it is have a sign up sheet passed around the office. Everyone brings a covered dish or something. Then they usually collect money (usually $5-$10 per person) and buy something from the whole group. They bought us a large gift certificate to the two places we were registered and a nice, engraved picture frame. It was really nice and each individual co-worker didn't have to spend a whole lot. They usually do this for weddings, showers, and new homes.

 

[Pooh_Friend#1]

I like the suggestions of making it an office potluck and chipping in some money. I think maybe we will ask around to see if we can do a group present. Thanks everyone.