Wedding gift(money) What do you think?

[EthansMom]

It is all about keeping up with the Jones' in MA anyway, I'm sure that it's worse in NJ and NY....people went nuts buying McMansions too and now look at what's going on up there..foreclosure rates are sky high.... When DH and I got married almost 5 years ago we were living in MA and didn't have a ton of money to pay for a wedding, we also had both sets of parents living in FL at that time with FIL unable to travel long disances. We decided on a small Disney intimate wedding with all of 8 guests...parents and siblings. We disappointed a handful of friends who could not afford to travel to the wedding because of their mortgage payments...but hubby's dad got to be there and that was very important to us. Our haul? A set of pots and pans, etched champagne glasses, a few other wedding themed knick knacks and that was it and it was perfectly fine with us.....wait my brother gave us $100 and I tried to give it back because he and his wife had to travel from RI to attend the wedding and it just meant so much to us that they would use vacation time and pay for travel expenses.

I could say a little bit more about living in MA, but let's just say the attitude about the amount of an appropriate wedding gift is the tip of the iceberg....

I have to agree with you, in general, about attitudes in MA, NY, NJ... and I would add CT too. Yes, not everyone in these states expects to have the cost of their reception paid for by cash gifts, but many do. Ten years later, my SIL (in CT) can tell you exactly who did and didn't "pay for their plate".

What someone expects shouldn't dictate what you give.

 

[mom4graceandlogan]

I have found this thread quite disturbing. the thought that anyone would be expected to cover the cost of their meal if invited to a wedding is astounding and in poor taste. I got married when I was graduating law school. We had many out of town guests from my husbands side of the family. It cost probably $65.00 a person(whether adult or child). We had the big wedding prime rib/open bar etc. We kept the guest list to 200 to be able to cover the cost. We had no expectations re: wedding gifts or cost of gift and appreciated the fact that guests travelled to attend our big day. Some of our most special memories are of my husband's cousin attending, they have seven children and they all came, making a total of nine. I don't recall the amount of their wedding gift, but I will guess that it was under $50.00. They are under a very tight budget raising seven wonderful kids. At $65.00 a person it was not cheap to have them there, but I would have been extremely disappointed if they had not brought all of the children or had not attended based upon advice that they had received from someone that they should have spent more. I would have been even more upset if they had spent more as I knew they could not afford it. Their attendance and gift were sincerely appreciated. The bride chooses what she serves and who she invites. The value of gifts should not be a factor. I think $50-75.00 for a coworker's child is appropriate if you choose to attend the wedding.

 

[DMRick]

I have found this thread quite disturbing. the thought that anyone would be expected to cover the cost of their meal if invited to a wedding is astounding and in poor taste. .

I think you are reading this backwards. I thought the OP wanted to know what others gave as a gift, not what brides expected. I expected friends to come and share the day. However, when I am going, for myself, (and I wouldn't give more than I coud afford) I like to know I have given enough so that the bride and groom (no matter who actually paid for the reception) also got more than they paid, so they'll have more of a gift..or a start in their married life. No one is saying you have to give that amount. Many of feel it's a good rule of thumb for us to use. Don't like that idea? Then give what you are comfortable with.
I don't see anything disturbing about how people make their personal decision of what to give (I have way too many bigger things to be disturbed about than how or why others give gifts). That's what life is about..opinions. The only difference is, someone (the OP) asked us to share our opinions of how we decide. Doesn't make your way any better than my way...just different. We happen to enjoy going out, and if we want to give as a gift, what we would have spent on a similar day out (and who knows, maybe we'll give more, or maybe we'll give less), it's fine. If another person either can't afford it, or figures out what they will bring differently from how I figure..so what.

 

[Zoemakes5]

Well, I missed the last post on this, I think (well, I don't remember it at least.)
I've lived on the west coast, in the south and currently live in the mid-west. Until I was on a parenting board with people from the New England states, I'd never heard of the concept of paying for your plate. And, I had worked in a bridal salon in CA for two years!
I just don't understand how people can "expect" it. I tell you, had I had that expectation, I'd have about 4 people at my wedding! We were still in law school and many of our friends were either still in law school or in undergrad still. Most of my step-dad's family were just barely living pay check to pay check. In fact, I was very very careful in my registry to make sure there was a wide variety of prices available (and I still ended up getting mostly money, which is odd.) One of the things I remember most was a set some family friends made for me which was two bath hand towels and matching basket cross-stitched. I also got a set of four glass wineglasses (total cost $24) which I still use today and love. I would have HATED to think that some of my friends and family who I really wanted to share my day felt uncomfortable with the thought that my wanting them to be there for my big day and celebrate came with strings of a large gift attached.
The bride/groom and their families should choose the type of celebration that they can afford and that represents what they want. They should not expect anything from any one other than their respectful attendance. Their gifts should be considered "gifts". Their guests have not control over the amount the wedding costs, how extravagent it will be, they should not be beholden to pay for it. You wouldn't expect for a birthday celebration for the guests to "pay for their plate", at a shower you don't expect it, why a wedding?
When my DH and I go to weddings here in the twin cities, $50 is considered a generous gift. I think more frequently $20-30 would be the average gift. More for close friends and family, but never snubbed if less.

 

[Brooknwdw]

I just caught up on the thread & had to ask those of you who base your gift amount on how much it is "per plate" or "per person"?

Someone earlier said a wedding was $75 per person so they gave that amount. Do you actually ASK? And then give that amount?
Or does the bride's family (or whoever hosts) tell everyone how much it costs per person?

I have to say NO ONE I know personally would ever tell anyone (their friends who were invited as guests) how much the wedding costs. That would be considered a tacky move here whether it was a modest affair or an all out bash.

I am just really curious because I have never heard of this logic at all.

 

[poohluvrs]

Checking in from MA here.... $150 is a generous gift...Im confused - did you ask your coworker what they were giving or did they just announce they were giving $200 for some reason?

I wouldnt worry about anyone else, go & enjoy...I have also heard your gift should cover the cost of your meals plus what you want to give, but think that's ludicrous, the $150 is a very nice gift & will surely be greatly appreciated.Good luck & have fun.

 

[DMRick]

I would hope no one would ask. But I can usually tell depending on where it is held. But again, it's not an "expected" amount. It's just what we personally like to do.
I happen to know one of the poplular local places to have a wedding, is about $75 a person. So I just like to make sure I'm giving that much. As I posted earlier, there are no bridal rules on this. I was just giving my opinion, as the OP asked.

I'm going to a wedding in a park Sunday, which is being catered by a place that does chicken barbeques. It's a second wedding. It's also a relative. It's also a couple that have lived together for a number of years and already own a home. I decided how much to give, based on all of the above, as well as how much money I have available. But it's just my opinion..I'm sure other people's mileage may differer, and the amount of gifts will vary.

I just caught up on the thread & had to ask those of you who base your gift amount on how much it is "per plate" or "per person"?

Someone earlier said a wedding was $75 per person so they gave that amount. Do you actually ASK? And then give that amount?
Or does the bride's family (or whoever hosts) tell everyone how much it costs per person?

I have to say NO ONE I know personally would ever tell anyone (their friends who were invited as guests) how much the wedding costs. That would be considered a tacky move here whether it was a modest affair or an all out bash.

I am just really curious because I have never heard of this logic at all.

 

[magiroux]

But if you read through the entire thread there are people who felt some of the smaller cash gifts that they had received were not appropriate gifts. I know someone who got married by the JP for benefit reasons and then 6 months later had the big wedding expressly for the purpose of receiving cash gifts....tacky tacky tacky.

I've seen people throw themselves 'greenback' showers in the MA area in addition to the multiple bridal showers and couple showers.

My cousin was bad about these type of parties...I eventually got so disgusted I just threw invitations in the trash w/o opening them....honestly is there a need for a baby's 6 month party, the baby is walking party, with a list of where the baby is registered? How about inviting me to a cookout once in awhile???...unless they could squeeze a gift...there was no point in entertaining or spending time with you to them.

Perhaps it's the people you hang around with & are related to.....

I've lived in MA my entire life and have never heard of, much less been invited to, such tacky situations you portray "as the norm" for us greedy, tacky Bay Staters

 

[OKWAnneMarie]

I just caught up on the thread & had to ask those of you who base your gift amount on how much it is "per plate" or "per person"?

Someone earlier said a wedding was $75 per person so they gave that amount. Do you actually ASK? And then give that amount?
Or does the bride's family (or whoever hosts) tell everyone how much it costs per person?

I have to say NO ONE I know personally would ever tell anyone (their friends who were invited as guests) how much the wedding costs. That would be considered a tacky move here whether it was a modest affair or an all out bash.

I am just really curious because I have never heard of this logic at all.

Here in New York, we basically know which are the VERY expensive reception halls, so you therefore know approximately how much people are paying.

That being said, I don't think anyone I know EXPECTS for the gift to cover the "plate" because most of the reception halls are so expensive.

For instance, my cousin got married and it cost at least $200 per plate. I had 5 people going in my family. I certainly did NOT give $1,000.00! But, the bride and groom did not expect that. They were just so happy to have the family together, it didn't matter to them.

But, I must also say I would think it would be in bad taste to give only $50 per couple as a gift for a wedding like this (by the way, this was the best wedding I'd every been to).

As I said before, I really think this is a geographic issue. When I got married (25 years ago), I received 3 gifts (not money) from relatives from Pennsylvania, which is quite unusual for a Brooklyn wedding. I thought it was very nice of them and I appreciated the gifts very much.

 

[shamrock30]

Perhaps it's the people you hang around with & are related to.....

I've lived in MA my entire life and have never heard of, much less been invited to, such tacky situations you portray "as the norm" for us greedy, tacky Bay Staters

I agree. I've lived in MA for over 20 years, and I've never heard of anything like that either.

 

[icydog]

I think that 150 is more than generous of you. We must be cheap here since the most we've ever given is 50 (to family) and 25 (to friends). Most of our monetary wedding gifts were right in line with that as well. I usually pick up something nice off the couple's registry for the bridal shower.



ITA! Wedding cost is irrelevant. If you were required to buy a gift then heck, the bride & groom should just charge admission. Seriously, if you're close enough to your co-workers daughter that you're comfortable gifting 150, go ahead. If 25 is more your style, go with that. Don't feel pressured into giving more.

I just posted this on another thread and got referred here to this one. I haven't seen a $50 wedding present for 30 years, much less $25. I don't even send that amount to my grandkids for their birthdays.

 

[ICF]

Wow......

I never really thought about having the B & G "recoup" their expenses and hopefully make a profit on the deal. Who knew that we needed to check the balance sheet at the end of the reception to see if it were a success.

What about an out of state wedding? Is someone going to recoup my gas, hotel and additional meal expenses that I have when I go to one?

What if I don't like the food that is served? Can I ask for some of the gift back if the meat was not cooked, or I don't like fish / chicken?

The point of the day, is to celebrate Love with family and friends.....not to see how much you can make during the day. I think you should give what you want and can afford. I don't think most B & G's (at least thankfully the ones that I have known) would have not invited someone due to the value of their gift.

 

[DiznEeyore]

I just posted this on another thread and got referred here to this one. I haven't seen a $50 wedding present for 30 years, much less $25. I don't even send that amount to my grandkids for their birthdays.

Well, as so many have said, it depends on individual circumstances as well as (apparently) region of the country. Here a wedding gift as large as you referenced on your other thread is unheard of (at least in the circle I run with).

Your comments about the amount sound very condescending. Have you ever considered that you're fortunate you can be so very generous? My grandmother would *love* to be able to send all of us more than $15 for our birthdays, but that's what she can afford and still be comfortable. We're touched that she even does it ... after all, it's the thought that counts.

 

[Took]

Right on, Dizneyeore. We just gave $50 to my niece who just got married and she seemed thrilled. Quite frankly, in our area, that's what many give, and non-cash gifts can be less expensive.

The point is, we gave what we could afford. She was happiest that we came from out of state to be at her wedding--that's what she cared about. IMHO, with her loving attitude, she'll have a good chance at a successful marriage, the most important part of the wedding. The gifts are "the extra."

took

 

[qst4it]

I only read the first 3 pages of the posts so if I am reposting something I apologize upfront. I grew up in Connecticut and it was customary to at least $100. It was like other posters had said about the paying for the price of your meal. Well my Cousins got married and had about 150 guests and payed cash for a Jeep the week after there wedding. Now 6 months later I got married in South Carolina were I went to school. There is all kinds of different rules there. Like if a guest had come to the shower they did not bring a gift to the wedding. They also do not generally give cash, it is something off the registry. But the most anyone from S.C. spent was maybe $25. I also had some who saw things on the registy ( I was only registered at JC Penny) and would find similar items at Wal Mart. I have about 20 walmart towels which I was still very happy to get. The other big difference is a typical wedding. In Ct you are expected to feed everyone and have music. In SC most of the weddings I went to after mine were in the church Hall and they had finger sandwhiches and cake and you were in and out in less than two hours. I had a typical "Yankee" wedding since we had so much family coming down and most of our SC friends and co-workers were surprised when they got there. And they didn't stay more than maybe an hour or so at the reception. One other big SC change is no one RSVP's so we had to have a buffett because we had no idea how many were coming. All but 3 people came and we only received maybe 5 rsvp from 100 people. Now I am just telling the differences that I saw in the location we got married, I am sure down in Charleston it is different and I was happy to receive everything I got, we were just surprised at the difference in customs.

 

[qst4it]

Ok I read the rest of the threads. There is one other major differnce between New England and South Carolina. We have reception Halls up there that you go to and they take care of everything. You tell them your colors, the food you want, how many peole and they do it all. One stop shopping. That is how many people now the range in what the bride groom pay since all the weddings are held at the same places. Were I lived in SC they thought I was crazy when I started looking for Wedding Halls. We eneded having our in the "ballroom" of a hotel and we were the first wedding they had there.

 

[branv]

I just posted this on another thread and got referred here to this one. I haven't seen a $50 wedding present for 30 years, much less $25. I don't even send that amount to my grandkids for their birthdays.

Personally, I receive alot more pleasure from people who are kind, considerate, polite and caring than I do from the one who shell out some arbitrary water mark dollar amount for my life events.

I viewed with equal emotion the $3000 check we received from a relative who'd been financially blessed, as I did the $30 crock pot I received from a relative who was arguably MORE financially blessed that the former. To be honest, the most touching gift I received was the gift DH's elderly and poor aunt gave us - a set of dishtowels. She could ill afford even that, and I would have preferred that she had gotten us nothing at all...I still feel equally touched and guilty about it.

I had a nice reception because I wanted to have a nice reception...I wanted my guests to enjoy themselves and I wanted to show them how much I appreciated them coming to share our day with us. Though I know some brides do, I did not and I do not personally know a bride who expected to "make back" the cost of their reception. It is tacky mindset, and an honest person would just charge a per plate cost. The only thing equally awful is people who go to a reception and get put out b/c their isn't a certain amount or kind of "free stuff" i.e. booze, etc. The goal is to be together, not suck each other dry.

 

[DiznEeyore]

I had a nice reception because I wanted to have a nice reception...I wanted my guests to enjoy themselves and I wanted to show them how much I appreciated them coming to share our day with us. Though I know some brides do, I did not and I do not personally know a bride who expected to "make back" the cost of their reception. It is tacky mindset, and an honest person would just charge a per plate cost.

Unfortunately, my best friend was one of these brides. She continually quoted to me how much her reception was costing per plate and what she expected to "make back" in order to pay off the credit card they used to charge the reception on.

I'll tell you right now, she didn't cover my plate with the gift I gave, however we had a bunch of money tied up in the wedding because I was her matron of honor (threw her shower, too), my son was her ringbearer, and neither my dh nor I indulged in the open bar, so I guess that makes it all good, LOL!!

And BTW -- three days after the wedding she giddily informed me that not only had they paid off the reception bill, but they had made "a PROFIT".

 

[mermaidwannabe]

Wow, I am so glad I don't live where people have to wonder if $150 is enough. A typical gift here in Montana at least amongst my middle-class friends and relatives is $25-$75. For a co-worker's daughter, $25 would be plenty and greatly appreciated here. HOWEVER, I do understand feeling like that wouldn't be enough if the wedding was an expensive one. They're pretty casual around here...no caviar and rarely open bars. ITA with the people who say to give what you are comfortable with and what you can afford. If it's going to "hurt" your pocketbook and leave you feeling like you wish you never would've been invited, then I think that amount is too much.