Wedding gift etiquette- destination wedding?

[mjkacmom]

I live in the northeast , have all my life. was married in the northeast (Mass) and until I came to the DIS never ever heard of the cover your plate thing. I have heard "A wedding? FREE food!!" however.

SO basically how this works is according to how much the bride and groom decided to spend on their reception is directly linked to the amount that I am expected to fork out for their gift or cash gift? So in other words say I have two wedding to go to one weekend and then the next. One is of a close friend- been close friends since childhood consistently stayed in touch over the years. They choose to have a simple wedding and have a small buffet afterwards of finger sandwhiches and salads etc. The other wedding is of a work associate and though we are friendly at work we only socialize infequently outside of work, in fact I socialize with this person less then my friend married the week before (not counting work). She would like for me to come to her wedding however and the invitation is not a fill the seat deal but a true invitation. They are having an extravaganza for a reception very elegant sit down meal let's make it a few courses even. SO under this cover your plate theory I am expected to find something less expsensive to give to my very good friend and something very expensive to give to my co worker simply because one chose to be budget mided and the other chose to go all out? That doesn't make sense to me.

Give a gift that you feel comfortable with and go to the wedding only if you truly want to share the day with this person. If you don't feel that close anymore decline the invitation, send a thoughtful card and enjoy your weekend elsewhere with your DBF.

I should've said NYC metro area, and not the NE, because I don't consider MA to be part of this area. I honestly don't know how to answer the question, because I've never been to a wedding with finger sandwiches. Every wedding I've ever attended here is a cocktail hour, sit down dinner, open bar, DJ, etc. Yes, people here will give more money for more elaborate receptions. They will also give more money to those who have a closer relationship. I don't know anyone who's ever gone broke paying for a wedding. If the couple is young, the parents tend to pay. However, many people here wait until they are older to marry, and have established careers.

 

[Scurvy]

There is no etiquette basis for the "cover your plate" expectation that some people have. In fact, from an etiquette standpoint it is considered rude to have any expectations when it comes to gifts - if someone is nice enough to give you a gift you are supposed to be grateful no matter how large or small it may be. OP, give what you want to give and don't worry that it might not be considered enough. Any bride who would be offended by the size of your gift is completely in the wrong according to etiquette.

 

[jrmasm]

Yes, people here will give more money for more elaborate receptions.

 

[mjkacmom]

You can be shocked, but it's true!

 

[jrmasm]

You can be shocked, but it's true!

Maybe so but it's still disgraceful. The idea that someone who opts to have their wedding at a more modest location should get less of a gift....

I'm another NE poster that never heard this garbage until I read it on this board.

OP, give what you can afford and don't worry about it. I'd think that $100 is more than generous but I think $50 would be fine. It doesn't sound that you're close to the bride.

 

[mjkacmom]

Maybe so but it's still disgraceful. The idea that someone who opts to have their wedding at a more modest location should get less of a gift....

I'm another NE poster that never heard this garbage until I read it on this board.

OP, give what you can afford and don't worry about it. I'd think that $100 is more than generous but I think $50 would be fine. It doesn't sound that you're close to the bride.

People don't give less for a more modest location, but give more for a more expensive location. For example, my go-to gift for DH and I is $300. Even if you have the wedding at the Elks Club, I'm giving $300. Now, if it's at a really expensive hall, I might give more, and will definitely give more for a close friend or family member, regardless of location. People here are VERY generous! If you live in the NYC metro area, and don't know about this particular custom, you must not go to many weddings!

 

[dhuba]

I think that if you are willing to go $150, is the extra $50 to make it $200 really going to make or break you if you are already spending so much. I would go the $200 and not stress about it. The only thing brides remember about their gifts is if you didn't give them one. We had a few of those (not even a card), and I think that is unacceptable. I don't agree with the cover your plate mentality either. Don't throw a reception you can't afford to pay for yourself.

 

[jrmasm]

People don't give less for a more modest location, but give more for a more expensive location. For example, my go-to gift for DH and I is $300. Even if you have the wedding at the Elks Club, I'm giving $300. Now, if it's at a really expensive hall, I might give more, and will definitely give more for a close friend or family member, regardless of location. People here are VERY generous! If you live in the NYC metro area, and don't know about this particular custom, you must not go to many weddings!

First, I said NE, not NYC. I get tired of reading that this is what is expected in the NE. That is simply not true. Maybe it the Metro area but the NE is much larger than just that one area.

Second, I would be ashamed to admit that I gave a larger gift based only on the location of the event. Clearly you're ok with it but I could never be.

 

[luvsJack]

Personally I think this whole "cover your plate" thing is absolutely crazy and very inhospitable of any bride to expect ANY gift much less one of any value.

Weddings are supposed to be about celebrating the love and committment of the couple not how much one can spend on a gift!

Some of the most special wedding gifts can be homemade and not cost anything! I have a handmade ceramic teapot that sits on top of my cabinets that I wouldn't have traded a million dollar gift for! I just don't get this greedy attitude about gifts.



Op, I would go to the wedding and as for a gift, look for something that may be meaningful to her. Something that reminds you of your college days, perhaps? If she doesn't like it because of the cost, that is her problem not yours.

 

[Lewisc]

The OP specifically said she doesn't want to look like a cheapskate. She told us what gift a friend will be giving.

The friend is planning on giving $100-$150 and that friend isn't bringing a guest.

The OP will feel like a cheapskate if she is the only guest bringing a "homemade" gift.

Some of the posters are losing the context of the question. I'd be "ashamed" if I gave a gift significantly less then the typical gift being given by guests.

 

[tar heel]

I know it's provincial, but we give gifts based on our closeness to the couple getting married rather than the cost of the wedding. Here in the South, a standard wedding gift for someone you're not close to is a china dinner plate -- yes, a single plate. The stores expect the bride to trade in her extra 20 dinner plates for other pieces after the wedding. Since I work in the arts and have access to items adn somtimes discounts, my go-to gift in recent years has been artwork, generally pottery. I look at the registry to see what colors a couple likes and get something that seems to fit. I might get a vase or candlesticks if I know them well; if I don't I go with a baker or bowl (because it lives in a cabinet instead of on display) that goes with their dinnerware.

I think it's sad that anyone would be "ashamed" to give a gift that is truly what they can afford and chosen and given from the heart. This just isn't what a wedding celebration is all about to me.

 

[Scurvy]

The OP specifically said she doesn't want to look like a cheapskate. She told us what gift a friend will be giving.

The friend is planning on giving $100-$150 and that friend isn't bringing a guest.

The OP will feel like a cheapskate if she is the only guest bringing a "homemade" gift.

Some of the posters are losing the context of the question. I'd be "ashamed" if I gave a gift significantly less then the typical gift being given by guests.

I don't think people are losing sight of the question. They just feel differently about the situation than you do. The OP doesn't have anything to be ahsamed of it she gives less than someone else. It doesn't make her a cheapskate. And if anyone did view her as a cheapskate because she couldn't afford to give as much as someone else, that's their problem, not hers. I would hope most brides wouldn't be greedy and superficial enough to judge someone based on the size of the gift they gave. It's certainly not the norm in my experience for brides to be that materialistic. If the bride were to judge the OP harshly because she wasn't satisfied with the gift, then the OP doens't need someone like that in her life anyway.

 

[tar heel]

OP - I think artwork might be a good solution for you, too.

 

[mjkacmom]

First, I said NE, not NYC. I get tired of reading that this is what is expected in the NE. That is simply not true. Maybe it the Metro area but the NE is much larger than just that one area.

Second, I would be ashamed to admit that I gave a larger gift based only on the location of the event. Clearly you're ok with it but I could never be.

I clarified NYC area in a PP, and I'm certainly not ashamed, the same way you probably wouldn't be ashamed in giving some nice pots and pans (which would make me ashamed to give). Nor are the thousands of people in this area ashamed of giving an appropriate amount of money.

 

[Scurvy]

I clarified NYC area in a PP, and I'm certainly not ashamed, the same way you probably wouldn't be ashamed in giving some nice pots and pans (which would make me ashamed to give). Nor are the thousands of people in this area ashamed of giving an appropriate amount of money.

Why would that make you ashamed? I haven't heard of anyone who felt that way before.

 

[luvsJack]

The OP specifically said she doesn't want to look like a cheapskate. She told us what gift a friend will be giving.

The friend is planning on giving $100-$150 and that friend isn't bringing a guest.

The OP will feel like a cheapskate if she is the only guest bringing a "homemade" gift.

Some of the posters are losing the context of the question. I'd be "ashamed" if I gave a gift significantly less then the typical gift being given by guests.

Really? That is so sad to me. I don't give gifts to look like a big spender or a cheapskate nor do I give a rat's patooie what anyone else has given. I give gifts because I care about the person and I give gifts that I know that person will love regardless of the cost.

She should spend what she feels comfortable spending not based on what someone else is spending--that is their choice.

 

[lawone]

My 2 cents? My (then) fiance and I were invited to a destination wedding 1 month before our own wedding!

Anyway, (now) husband went and I stayed at home. We simply could not afford it. Our friend understood.

The registry? Whoa. Everything on it was very expensive. My solution? I bought a fork. Yep, one fork. It was $100. I wrapped it nicely and gave it to them.

The funny part? They still laugh at our 'fork' gift. They thought it was the best, most honest gift they received.

 

[jrmasm]

I clarified NYC area in a PP, and I'm certainly not ashamed, the same way you probably wouldn't be ashamed in giving some nice pots and pans (which would make me ashamed to give). Nor are the thousands of people in this area ashamed of giving an appropriate amount of money.

Coworker Bride, reception at the Elks - $300
Coworker Bride, reception at the Ritz - $400

Cousin Groom at the Elks - $500
Cousin Groom, reception at the Four Seasons - $600

????

Appropriate? Really? I think not.

I was wrong though, I woudn't be ashamed to admit that because I would never do it. It's the idea that a fancier party deserves a better gift, all things being equal that's so distasteful to me. But like I said, if you're comfortable with the idea than have at it.

Certaintly the DIS is educational. Now I know that if I'm ever invited to a wedding in the NYC area that I need to decline because I can't afford the price of admission.


OP, you need to look at this like wearing a bathing suit in public. There are going to be people that are fatter than you and people that are skinnier. Just go with what you are comfortable with.

 

[Ava]

I clarified NYC area in a PP, and I'm certainly not ashamed, the same way you probably wouldn't be ashamed in giving some nice pots and pans (which would make me ashamed to give). Nor are the thousands of people in this area ashamed of giving an appropriate amount of money.

mjkacmom, what does one do if they legitimately cannot afford to give what is considered an "appropriate amount of money?" I'm asking honestly as I'm not originally from this area (I'm from MD) and have not yet attended a wedding here. A former co-worker/friend is getting married later this year and I know I'm going to be invited to the wedding. I also know she is expecting each couple will give at least $200-$250 for a gift. (She's from LI & I guess this is the norm for other weddings she's attended.)

Would it be acceptable to purchase something less expensive from the registry (assuming there is something), or would it be better to just not go if I can't afford to give the $200-$250 I know she "expects?"

(We'd also have to rent a car to get there, hire a sitter for DD, and probably buy new clothes/shoes for both of us to wear. Not that any of this is my friend's concern, but it does factor into my consideration of how much it will cost us to attend her wedding.)

 

[belle41379]

Wow! I wish some of you had been to our wedding!

Seriously though, OP, I think you probably have all the opinions on here that you need. I would stick with something on the registry that you can afford, or perhaps a complementary item that they did not register for that goes with the china (butter dish, napkins, etc). They can exchange if they need to. I would honestly NOT look at how much you spend. Give a gift you think they will enjoy and go be suportive of your friend.