Wedding gift etiquette- destination wedding?

[Disney845]

My point of view might be terribly naive (and I will preface it by saying that I do not live in the NE, nor was any wedding I have ever attended held at the Ritz or a similarly "prestigious" local) but I honestly think that the monetary value of the gift isn't as important at the gesture behind the giving. I believe it should be an amount commensurate to both your "current" relationship to the giftee and to your financial situation.

 

[KarenAylwood]

The expression "cover your plate" doesn't literally mean your gift has to cover the cost of your meal. Very few brides tell guests the exact cost of the meal.

It doesn't suggest a guest has to give a very high gift if a bride goes overboard with the wedding.

It does suggest a cash gift is more appreciated then a ramdom gift.

That said $100 for a couple doesn't sound right. The OP knows it doesn't sound right, othewise she wouldn't have started a thread to ask. She's claiming "Destination Wedding" as an excuse even though she knows it doesn't really apply in this case.

Not only aren't her friends bringing dates but her married friends aren't even bringing their husbands. Her posts in this thread suggest she's looking at the wedding as an opportunity for a low cost vacation and as a way to see her friends. It doesn't sound like she's that close to the bride or groom.

Thanks for calling me out! Lol. Seriously though, I do appreciate it. And I'm trying not to take most of the flames here as real flames. I understand how this all sounds, I really do. It's kind of hard to explain the ins and outs of most of this.

The others didn't decide to opt out on the dates until DBF and I had already committed. (one's husband couldn't go because of work obligations, the second's boyfriend is... let's just say they're on the rocks, and the third's hubby is just antisocial and she said she doesn't want to pay for the plane ticket for him... I'll leave that one there ).

I was more looking for $100 vs $150 vs $200 vs $250. I know one friend isn't spending more than $40 because she said she's flying from Cali and "she's lucky to even get a gift." The bride I think considers me more of a friend than I consider her, and I know that she doesn't have that many girlfriends so I feel obligated to go. I do like the girl, we've just lost touch. I don't know, I guess it's partly guilt.

I don't see it as a low cost vacation because we have free lodging in Destin... so if we just decided to go down there ourselves without the wedding I could easily save myself $600+ PLUS stay an extra 3 days in Destin and save myself a day of vacation at work. So no, it's not to get a cheap vacation. I was more looking for how much I should really spend on a gift. Asking around I've heard anywhere from $50 to $300 so I was interested to see everyone's reasoning on here.

 

[Evi]

Thanks for the replies so far everyone! Yes, I know I used the term "stuck up" but honestly we've all said that about her, even when we were close in college! It came off very negatively but yes, she's just that way about things and we all sort of got used to it. This is the first time I've actually had to get anything for her!

I've already committed to going so that's not an option, also all of my close friends are going who are in the same "sort of close" status with her. There's only 75-100 people going so it's not huge. I felt really bad at the idea of not going because of cost- because my best friends would know it's because I just don't want to go. We've roped it into a vacation sort of as well, and are driving to Destin afterwards (free lodging there).

I always felt that "covering your plate" was kind of cheesy- I mean I don't pay for my meal if a friend has a regular party. Not to mention I'm so out of it when it comes to wedding expenses I'd have no idea how much my plate even cost!!

There are so many different opinions on this. Even googling I've found a million different "rules" and "opinions". I spent $100 on a close friend last year that I also spent $80 on a shower gift, $150 on a bridesmaids dress, $60 on nails/hair, etc. Between that, travelling and the hotel I think the whole thing came out to $1000 and it was a local wedding. Ugh. I just don't want to look like a cheapskate here but I don't want to spend gobs of money either.

I wonder if you misconstrue self confidence and refinement to being stuck up. Also you said earlier how she only wears name brands and drives a Mercedes. Sounds to me like shes living within her means not like shes stuck up. I think from what I've read your not a very close friend or a good one. I'm not being mean just what I've read from both your posts. I think alot of times people develop inferiority complexes and judge others based on what they see as expensive or out of their means. Sounds to me like shes having a party that she can afford and shes living her life based on what she can afford not that shes showing off or being uppity or snooty.

I recommend you not go. Not because of the cost of a gift because honestly as you've described her financial status, trust me she didn't invite you to make money off of your gift. She invited you because she cares for you and wanted you to be there for a significant event in her life that she wanted to share with you.

When you go to a wedding you give a gift that you can afford and that you hope will be appreciated by the couple. Its not about cover your plate. There is not one etiquette book out there that would say that. I think people say that as a guide to the range you should stay within. But there is no rule of thumb. I would say if you can afford to go on vacation from her wedding and as you said if you didn't' go it wouldn't be because of price. Again if you don't want to buy her a wedding present and your not really there to support her maybe you shouldn't go. I would rather someone who really didn't care for me much or didn't' see themselves as a significant person in my life not come to my wedding.

 

[maggiew]

I liked the Martha Stewart reference (she grew up here, BTW). Many, many people in this area are 2nd or 3rd generation Europeans. We have mostly Italian and Irish here, and they have similar traditions.

Martha didn't write that article. It was written by someone else. It was just posted on her board.


Maggie

 

[kimbac3]

ok - I'm from NJ - SOUTHERN NJ - EXTREME Southern NJ. We don't do that cover your plate thing here. People have receptions (and their ceremonies for that matter) in local fire halls, church halls, taverns and the like.

For my wedding - 19 years ago tomorrow - we received some gifts and cash/checks. The money was spent long ago, but I still have the beautiful crystal picture frame on my entertainment center and the special cross stitched, personalized display my cousin made me. And I love them!!
I personally hate to give money as a wedding gift, it's so impersonal.

My DH and I have been invited to some weddings we just knew were going to be "ritzy" and that no matter what we gave it wouldn't be enough. Bear in mind this was mostly extended family so we knew how it would be.

I say go but get something personalized and special.

 

[MickeyMomOfThree]

Last year I posted a similar question here on DIS and was told I had to "cover our plate." I had never heard of this. I got gifts from like $10 to $100 for our wedding, don't really remember and sure don't remember who gave us what. We invited who we wanted to share our day with us, gifts were justgravy.

Anyway, my DH was asked to be the best Man. It was 8 hours away from us, we had to go for 3 nights at $150 a night (a lot for us!) After the $200 tux rental and bachelor party and all we had spent way more then we really had to spend, but DH felt obligated since he was the only friend to stand up (all others were family members.) In the end we spent so much onthe trip and stuff that when it came time for gift, we gave a small check (half of one of our plate costs) and I made their invitation into a framed piece of art. It was all we could afford but we thought if they thought poorly of us after giving all we had just to be there then that was their issue not ours. We are still friends so I guess us being there to be a part and to help out (which we did a lot of, and I mean a lot!) was more important to them then the gift.

I hope you find that what yo ugive is appreciated and if you don't then I suppose you now what your friendship meant to them. However, we would not have invested that much into someone we only spoke to a little, but you need to decide that for yourself.

 

[Ceila]

OP, you are obviously committed to going to this wedding, so I don't quite understand why so many posters are telling you not to go. That isn't an option, but I guess they haven't read all of your posts.

Anyway, I don't believe in the "pay for your plate" mentality. I grew up in Maryland and now live in New Jersey, and I just don't subscribe to it. When we got married, we just wanted to celebrate the day with those we care about; I didn't care if anyone gave us anything. However, everyone did, and as far as gifts go, I don't recall who gave us money for our wedding, and I don't really remember who gave us the items from our registry. I DO remember the friend who gave us a beautiful china breakfast set, the couple who gave us a lovely small lamp, and a work colleague who gave us a set of pasta bowls we still use every week. I remember the college friend who gave us the basket with wine glasses and another former classmate who gave us Christmas glasses, since we were married a week before Christmas. None of those items were on our registry, but they were given be people who chose something they thought we would enjoy. And they were right, not only because the items were nice, but because there was thought and love behind each and every one of them.

I have found that I've usually been able to find beautiful ceramic pieces in a variety of price ranges that make wonderful gifts. Bowls, serving trays, etc. make great gifts, and if you hunt around local galleries and artsy stores you can find some amazing things in your price range. As another poster said, have the item shipped since the wedding isn't where the couple lives.

 

[QVCshopper]

I'm another who doesn't believe in the "pay your plate" mentality. Give what you feel comfy giving and feel proud for doing that. Don't worry about what other people think; it's hard to keep up friendships like this after college, especially when marriages, work, and kids come into play. And after 12 years, I can't tell you who gave me what, except for a few close people. I have never paid for my plate in all of the weddings I've gone to. I actually try very hard to get something off their registry on sale at that store. So, maybe a place setting or a few glass pieces during a Macys sale or with a Bed Bath and Beyond coupon and no tax in DE. Your attendance is what matters most, not $$$. Our society is too much about $$$ anymore.

 

[lila]

Money grubbing New Yorker here.

OP - In this scenario, $200 is what I would give. If I couldn't give $200, I would give a check or a registry item for what I can afford. I have found my money obsessed New York friends to be far more appreciative of a registry item, even if it's a $25 colander, than a $40 off-registry item from Lohemann's that can't be returned. In all seriousness, most of the brides I know usually they just throw away or donate the purchased off-registry items due to space constraints. Sadly, money hoarding does not buy decent storage in the NY Metro area.

 

[NotUrsula]

If the bride's family is Texan, they are NOT going to be expecting you to cover your plate, nor will they be expecting a cash gift, and they very well might be offended (or at least mystified) by a cash gift. (Generally speaking, in that part of the world, giving a cash gift to someone who is plainly better off than you are is considered gauche.)

Choose something from the registry that you can afford (if you can't buy a place setting, get a serving piece), that way, she can exchange it in combination with other single items to fill out the set if she wants to. Order it directly from the store of her choice, and have it delivered to her home at least a month before the wedding.

PS: Ordinarily I'd agree that a very thoughtful and well-made handcrafted gift would be a lovely option, but the OP has emphasized that this friend is very fixated on brand-names. For someone like that, I think that the sticking to the registry is the best way to go.

 

[QVCshopper]

Money grubbing New Yorker here.

OP - In this scenario, $200 is what I would give. If I couldn't give $200, I would give a check or a registry item for what I can afford. I have found my money obsessed New York friends to be far more appreciative of a registry item, even if it's a $25 colander, than a $40 off-registry item from Lohemann's that can't be returned. In all seriousness, most of the brides I know usually they just throw away or donate the purchased off-registry items due to space constraints. Sadly, money hoarding does not buy decent storage in the NY Metro area.

I'm from New York as well--Westchester County. I don't think New Yorkers are money grubbing, I just think our society as a whole is so focused on money and acquiring things. But I grew up in a pretty affluent town, which has partly led me to living a simpler life. Anyway, the registry is a good way to go.

 

[dallastxcpa]

If the bride's family is Texan, they are NOT going to be expecting you to cover your plate, nor will they be expecting a cash gift, and they very well might be offended (or at least mystified) by a cash gift. (Generally speaking, in that part of the world, giving a cash gift to someone who is plainly better off than you are is considered gauche.)

Choose something from the registry that you can afford (if you can't buy a place setting, get a serving piece), that way, she can exchange it in combination with other single items to fill out the set if she wants to. Order it directly from the store of her choice, and have it delivered to her home at least a month before the wedding.

Texan here - I can tell you that we are very big on manners and politeness here in the South. And while we enjoy gifts just as much as the next girl graciousness is a trait we are taught from a very young age. We would never expect someone to cover their plate for a reception.

I wouldn't give cash to your friend and would send a gift ahead of time since it is a destination wedding. I think whatever gift you choose is appropriate as long as you put thought into it. Did you two go to college somewhere other than Texas. If so you might make a nice basket of goodies and such from that locale.

Go, enjoy yourself, and be there for your friend.

 

[Cindyrellablue]

I live 1 mile outside of NYC, in NJ and around here, monetary gifts are just what is done. I haven't given anything except money as a gift, unless it was for the bridal shower, then I purchase from the registry.

I've always been told that it's a "boost" for the bride and groom, to help them start their lives together.

That being said: I'm to be married this Saturday, and although my wedding might seem extravagant to some, we have not gone beyond our means. A usual dinner out for us can range from $100 - $250 for the two of us and we wanted to give our guests the same type of meal and service that we enjoy. We are paying for the entire wedding ourselves and decided on our budget prior to planning and discussed what we were comfortable spending w/o considering the gifts that we might receive. I wouldn't think that the guide of "cover your plate" is just to pay for the wedding, but to help out the couple in their future plans.

If OP can't afford a larger gift and feels uncomfortable already with giving $100, remember that really, your attendance is your gift.

 

[randyolson]

I loved Celia’s idea of buying a nice ceramic gift. They come in all price ranges. Personally I’ve always treasured small hand made gifts as they are so unique. Can you think of something you could make , like maybe a collage of your old pictures together, then get it framed or printed on a tee or something. If you can paint, maybe a portrait of the couple or even a caricature, framed nicely would be so much more unique and fun.

 

[MickeyMomOfThree]

One other thing. At my wedding 17 years ago in Michigan, I got tons of gifts. I think it was like 4 car loads. I was told on DIS last year when preparing for a wedding on LI that gifts were not given. So, instead of giving a gift I had found on a good deal that I thought they would like, I gave cash. I was so bummed when at the wedding I saw a gift table and, while not tons of gifts, probably about 25 gifts. I had wished so badly I had bought the gift I thought they would have liked instead of the cash. I say go with your heart. Yes, shipping it to them would be better, but if you'd like to give an item, I say go for it.

I also have to say that 17 years later and after having my registery filled and then some, I only remember who gave me one gift . I use it just about daily (a personilized throw.) And it wasn't on my registry. It is one of the few gifts we actually still have. Now, we truly were just starting out. I was 17, DH was 21. We didn't register for china or stemwear, we registered for everyday dishes and basic things to truly start a home. But 17 years later it is one of the few gifts we even still have.

 

[ibela]

Let me get this straight. Your mother chose to invite someone she hadn't seen in years, they came, and you're upset with them because they only spent $35 on the gift?

It was my mother-in-law, this wasn't an old friend she lost touch with but more like someone who used to live on the block, and they've lost in touch again since! And it wasn't a last minute invite, she happened to run into her as we were mailing them out. I think I was overall frustrated with her because "that side" was just inconsiderate in general, ex. RSVPing with 7 people and showing up with 2, then giving a check for $50 for the 2 which later bounced!! But I digress, just wanted to explain...

Money grubbing New Yorker here.

OP - In this scenario, $200 is what I would give. If I couldn't give $200, I would give a check or a registry item for what I can afford. I have found my money obsessed New York friends to be far more appreciative of a registry item, even if it's a $25 colander, than a $40 off-registry item from Lohemann's that can't be returned. In all seriousness, most of the brides I know usually they just throw away or donate the purchased off-registry items due to space constraints. Sadly, money hoarding does not buy decent storage in the NY Metro area.

I agree with buying off their registry only because you know it's something that they really want and if they do happen to change their mind, it's easy for them to exchange it for something else they really want.

 

[kirstenb1]

If the bride's family is Texan, they are NOT going to be expecting you to cover your plate, nor will they be expecting a cash gift, and they very well might be offended (or at least mystified) by a cash gift. (Generally speaking, in that part of the world, giving a cash gift to someone who is plainly better off than you are is considered gauche.)

Choose something from the registry that you can afford (if you can't buy a place setting, get a serving piece), that way, she can exchange it in combination with other single items to fill out the set if she wants to. Order it directly from the store of her choice, and have it delivered to her home at least a month before the wedding.

I'm glad you mentioned this. It would also be true here in Virginia too. I was trying to think of a way to phrase it, and you did so much better than anything I could come up with.

 

[eeyorethegreat]

This is the traditional etiquette here in the NE, and has been for decades. It's not written as fact, but it's understood. Although people would be horrified to be invited to a reception, and only be served cake, punch, mints, and nuts, we understand that's how it's done in other regions, and it's okay to do it there. Every area has customs. In some regions, I hear it's rude to give cash as a gift. That's great - if I attended a wedding there and knew this, I'd give an actual gift.

I liked the Martha Stewart reference (she grew up here, BTW). Many, many people in this area are 2nd or 3rd generation Europeans. We have mostly Italian and Irish here, and they have similar traditions.

I live in the northeast , have all my life. was married in the northeast (Mass) and until I came to the DIS never ever heard of the cover your plate thing. I have heard "A wedding? FREE food!!" however.

SO basically how this works is according to how much the bride and groom decided to spend on their reception is directly linked to the amount that I am expected to fork out for their gift or cash gift? So in other words say I have two wedding to go to one weekend and then the next. One is of a close friend- been close friends since childhood consistently stayed in touch over the years. They choose to have a simple wedding and have a small buffet afterwards of finger sandwhiches and salads etc. The other wedding is of a work associate and though we are friendly at work we only socialize infequently outside of work, in fact I socialize with this person less then my friend married the week before (not counting work). She would like for me to come to her wedding however and the invitation is not a fill the seat deal but a true invitation. They are having an extravaganza for a reception very elegant sit down meal let's make it a few courses even. SO under this cover your plate theory I am expected to find something less expsensive to give to my very good friend and something very expensive to give to my co worker simply because one chose to be budget mided and the other chose to go all out? That doesn't make sense to me.

Give a gift that you feel comfortable with and go to the wedding only if you truly want to share the day with this person. If you don't feel that close anymore decline the invitation, send a thoughtful card and enjoy your weekend elsewhere with your DBF.

 

[KarenAylwood]

OP, you are obviously committed to going to this wedding, so I don't quite understand why so many posters are telling you not to go. That isn't an option, but I guess they haven't read all of your posts.

Anyway, I don't believe in the "pay for your plate" mentality. I grew up in Maryland and now live in New Jersey, and I just don't subscribe to it. When we got married, we just wanted to celebrate the day with those we care about; I didn't care if anyone gave us anything. However, everyone did, and as far as gifts go, I don't recall who gave us money for our wedding, and I don't really remember who gave us the items from our registry. I DO remember the friend who gave us a beautiful china breakfast set, the couple who gave us a lovely small lamp, and a work colleague who gave us a set of pasta bowls we still use every week. I remember the college friend who gave us the basket with wine glasses and another former classmate who gave us Christmas glasses, since we were married a week before Christmas. None of those items were on our registry, but they were given be people who chose something they thought we would enjoy. And they were right, not only because the items were nice, but because there was thought and love behind each and every one of them.

I have found that I've usually been able to find beautiful ceramic pieces in a variety of price ranges that make wonderful gifts. Bowls, serving trays, etc. make great gifts, and if you hunt around local galleries and artsy stores you can find some amazing things in your price range. As another poster said, have the item shipped since the wedding isn't where the couple lives.

You're correct- not going isn't an option. RSVP is in the mail, vacation at work is approved, hotel is booked, etc. Not going is definitely NOT an option. I'm not looking to skimp out on a gift- everyone just has such different ideas of what's right to give for a wedding. Like I said one girl is contemplating giving $40 or nothing at all, another is thinking $150. I also was very curious about how common "cover your plate" mentalities are.

I wonder if you misconstrue self confidence and refinement to being stuck up. Also you said earlier how she only wears name brands and drives a Mercedes. Sounds to me like shes living within her means not like shes stuck up. I think from what I've read your not a very close friend or a good one. I'm not being mean just what I've read from both your posts. I think alot of times people develop inferiority complexes and judge others based on what they see as expensive or out of their means. Sounds to me like shes having a party that she can afford and shes living her life based on what she can afford not that shes showing off or being uppity or snooty.

I recommend you not go. Not because of the cost of a gift because honestly as you've described her financial status, trust me she didn't invite you to make money off of your gift. She invited you because she cares for you and wanted you to be there for a significant event in her life that she wanted to share with you.

When you go to a wedding you give a gift that you can afford and that you hope will be appreciated by the couple. Its not about cover your plate. There is not one etiquette book out there that would say that. I think people say that as a guide to the range you should stay within. But there is no rule of thumb. I would say if you can afford to go on vacation from her wedding and as you said if you didn't' go it wouldn't be because of price. Again if you don't want to buy her a wedding present and your not really there to support her maybe you shouldn't go. I would rather someone who really didn't care for me much or didn't' see themselves as a significant person in my life not come to my wedding.

I didn't go into detail in the previous posts but there are tons of examples of her being "stuck up" when it comes to money. She got a job right out of college and made sure to "let it slip" to everyone she was making $140K/year. She knew we were all starting out at $35-40K. She called my friend in cali who drives a really beat up Nissan (that I can't believe is still on the road) and asked her if she was still driving her beater. She said "yes I'm actually driving it right now and I can't afford to get anything right now. Thank god it still drives." Then bride to be said "oh. That sucks. Guess what? I just bought a Mercedes [insert model here]." We were in a shoe store one time trying on shoes and someone said "Look! Those look like they go with your purse!" She said (very disgusted) "ugh. no. My purse is COACH." It's just how she is. We've always just kind of accepted it for the fact that she's kind of a princess. She's not always like that but there are times when it definitely comes out, and shows that she does have certain views about money. Her dad is a CFO of a company, they have a lot of money and that's fine. That wouldn't change the fact that I'd drive 2,000 miles to go to her wedding because if she invited me, she obviously wants me there. I've never turned down a wedding invitation because of money. I think this time I was just worried about how much to give because she's just used to more expensive things than I am and it's at an expensive place.

I don't know where I said earlier that I didn't want to buy her a gift. I'll have to look back through my posts to find it I guess. Like I said in the above post I had heard from people anything from $50 - $300. That's a pretty big range. I was just looking for other opinions. It's looking like the consensus is $150-200.

 

[mhara]

I would consider the idea of "covering your plate" quite crass actually. I really wouldn't worry about that aspect, these people have invited you presumably because they want you to share in their celebration and not because they want you to cover the cost of a wedding that they couldn't otherwise afford?

If you are sure that you want to attend & cannot give a large money gift and do not want to give a small amount, then be creative and select a thoughful gift that will mean more to them than cash anyway.