Wedding gift dilemma

[IMGONNABE40!]

When DH and I got married (it will be 10 years in October) his dear friend gave us $1001.00 (along with a coffee pot) for a wedding gift. We considered this (and still do) an extremely generous gift and of course were very grateful. DFriend was (and remains) very comfortable/well off financially and while we considered the gift quite large, I believe it was something he was well able to afford.

Fast forward to today. DFriend is getting married in November. Since his fiance is from Minnesota, that is where the wedding will be. Of course we are going, we would not consider missing it. Attending the wedding will involve airfare for three, hotels, time off from work etc. Again, no issue with this. (Okay, a bit of an issue tapping the vacation fund to go to Minnesota --but I am sure I will get great tips on places to go from my fellow dissers and we will have a great time!)

Here is the question. DH is planning to give DFriend $1001.00 as a wedding gift. I would love to really embrace that idea--but I am finding it difficult. This would be a significant %age of our savings. On the other hand, we do not have that $ earmarked for anything. It is just in the bank collecting a bit of interest. I am just thinking that our friend is still very well off financially and does not need to recieve that type of gift from us. While I would like to get him something nice, I was more in the $250-$300 range. Especially considering the travel expenses.

What would you do and why? Part of me just wants to honor my husband's wishes and keep quite, but part of me thinks trying to keep up with DFriend's gift giving is nuts since we are not in the same financial circumstance.

 

[Serena]

I think it looks bad giving the exact same amount back to him. I'm not sure why though. But I'd definitely give less.

My sister in law has a lot more money than I do and is generous at christmas time. She would feel strange and upset if I tried to give her the same amount of gifts.

 

[monkeyboy]

Give $1001.01

 

[Pop Daddy]

long post

 

[Lisa F]

I agree that giving back the same amount would be kind of tacky.... like "here, we didn't use or enjoy your gift at all, we're just passing it on back to you." I also think that if your friend gave you that gift it was likely because he WANTED to give you something that generous and for you to enjoy it, NOT because he wanted to set the bar that high for future gift giving. I think if he is that well off financially, a well thought out gift with some personal meaning behind it would be a way better idea than cash. The idea behind cash is generally to give the young couple some $$ to start out with... if he doesn't need that, it's kind of silly and depersonalizes the whole thing. Instead I would wrack my brains to try to buy him something in the $250-300 price range that would be a little bit of a splurge for him, maybe not something he would necessarily buy for himself and his new spouse, even though he has the money for it.

Good luck!

 

[jx3smom]

I really don't think that you should give him the same amount and agree that something in the $250-300 range would be very generous especially since you are going to all of the extra expense of attending the wedding. Check their gift registry and I'm sure they would appreciate something from that.

 

[Sugardimples]

I don't like this idea at all. Just forget what he gave you and give a gift that comes from your heart (not just from your checkbook). I think we all get caught up in these situations, but the gifts that have the most meaning are the ones that come from a place deep inside and that express on some level how we feel. Especially since you say that he is doing well financially - he doesn't need money. He needs you and your family standing with him on this important day and a gift that reflects YOU and your wishes that his marriage be a happy one.

 

[EsmeraldaX]

I would give what you can afford. He seems like a really understanding friend and I'm sure he does not expect $1001 in return, esp. since he already has plenty of money and is having people travel to go to the wedding.

I agree with Serena. Giving him the same amount he gave you strikes me as...just odd. I'm not sure why though. I don't want to say tacky, because it's not tacky. It just , IMO, comes across as you trying to copy him. Does that make sense? I don't mean it in a bad way at all.

I rarely give monetary gifts for weddings. Partly because I can't afford to give anyone that much in cash and mostly because I like picking out and giving special gifts (usually gift baskets I put together myself).

I would consider giving this guy a non monetary gift. It sounds like he is not in need of cash and he may appreciate a special one of a kind gift instead.

Why not take the $300 and have something really special made for him & his wife. Maybe something personalized that they will cherish forever.

 

[Nutsy]

Not knowing the person at all, but I would look more at what you can give your friend that will be memorable.............money is not everything & I personally would not repay the favour of that huge amount of money.

I'd try to find something more personal & far more memorable than an amount of cash........something they can keep & look back on & think of you guys.

 

[~*Belle 2003*~]

Originally posted by Nutsy


I'd try to find something more personal & far more memorable than an amount of cash........something they can keep & look back on & think of you guys.

I personally think large amounts of money are tacky so I agree with Nutsy!

 

[SC Minnie]

I agree. Give a gift that you have put some thought in to. Are they taking a homeymoon? If you know the hotel/resort maybe you could 'give' them spa treatments or have champagne sent to the room as a little something extra.

One of DH's long time friends (40 yrs) got married last year. They were taking a cruise for the honeymoon so we had a very nice gift basket sent to their stateroom. They both had households and didn't need more 'stuff'.

 

[IMGONNABE40!]

Thanks for the replies, everyone.

A bit of background (not that you asked!)

Before I knew DH, he and his DFriend were single and DFriend (who is about 15 years older than us) was also a single father to a special needs kid (PKU with mild retardation). When DFriend lost his job, he got a job in another city. Instead of taking the kid (about 8-9 at the time) out of school, DH took care of him while DFriend came home 2-3 weekends per month. This lasted close to a year before DFriend got the kid set up in a school in his new city. Although the kid is an adult now, the bond between he and DH is strong and DH is still very involved in his life--maybe more than he'd like since our DFriend travels a lot and despite his chronological age, the kid seems to be 12-13 emotionally.

My point in sharing this part of the story is that I have always gotten the feeling that DFriend feels that he is in some way "indebted" to my DH for all that he has done for the son. DH does not feel this way at all, and is always trying to keep up with his friend's genourosity.

Since DFriend is also quite frugal with spending on himself, I like the idea of getting him a nice person gift that he would not get himself. Any more ideas?

 

[missypie]

I would find out where they're registered and get them something from the upper end of that...like the large platter for their china, etc.

 

[dianeschlicht]

After your last explanation of the situation, I think the money gift would be a HUGE mistake! It will only serve to make you and DH look tacky, and will embarrass the friend.

I agree with others who said it should be a very personal gift, but not necessarily a costly one.

BTW, where in Minnesota is the wedding? The MOA has some great things to do! We also have lots of lakes, rivers, forrests, and arts here!

 

[Beth76]

Ok, Why $1001? What's the deal with the $1? Is that some sort of wedding tradition that I don't know about?

I do agree that giving that same amount is probably not a good idea. If your friend is a good friend (sounds like he is) he knows the expense that you'll have to incur just to get to the wedding. He will not be expecting a big wad of cash. Give them something more personal.

 

[Laurabearz]

My standard wedding gifts are..... Lava Lamp, handcuffs, whipped cream.

 

[Rajah]

I totally agree. Find him something that can be personalized that really fits him instead of giving him money.

 

[Jeafl]

I think the idea of finding out where they are staying for their honeymoon and treating them to a fabulous dinner or spa treatments is a good one. Especially since you said he doesn't spend a lot on himself. You could always get them a certificate to the hotel and let them choose themselves. We had the hotel in Hawaii deliver a certificate to my parents for their anniversary and it was a huge hit.

Giving back the $1001 just seems wrong somehow.

 

[lilpritch04]

You should give what you are financially comfortable giving. You are not required to duplicate the gift he gave you, and I believe he might feel odd if you did.

If you give the 2Bs something thoughtful (and in the $250-300 range) you are being more than generous and your presence, not just your presents, will be appreciated.

I live in the Twin Cities, so if you're looking for things to do, you can PM or email me

Katie Mae

Editted to say: In MN wedding gift registries are the thing. Try to find something on their registry and then personalize it to reflect on your friendship over the years. Just an example, although maybe not a very good one, if they are registered for a picnic basket, get that and his favorite wine and cheese and other things along that idea. My friends bought bath towels off our registry and included a set of white terry robes and an at home spa kit with lotions and massage oils. DH & I would never have purchased it ourselves, but are really glad that we have it.

 

[bemily]

From your two posts, I would say that giving the same amount back wouldnt be right. If your friend is financially stable, I would say a more personal and thoughtful gift is in order, and I like the idea of the dinner at their honeymoon hotel or a massage certificate...

I think your friend doesnt expect that type of gift at all, and does fell indebted to your husband for the help with his son from way back...Talk your husband out of the monetary gift, (or just show him the responses in this thread!!)