We have to leave an older child in turmoil

[M2B]

We fly out next Thursday.

Our older son (almost 22) isn't coming with us. In the past 48 hours his life has turned upside down. He broke up with his pregnant girlfriend. (Major issues there, it was never going to work but he was trying) At this point he's being told he will never see the child etc. etc. He was thinking that although him and the mom don't do well as a couple, they needed to find a way to be parents, or make a decision as to what to do about the baby. Her parents got involved and all hell broke loose. He has very little support here and I'm worried about leaving him. But, there's nothing we can do. Even being here there's nothing we can do but listen and support but at least we're here, kwim?

I want to be excited about going. I am excited. I'm just worried about him.

 

[minnie mum]

It's always difficult to see a child in turmoil, even when they're an adult. Tell him to get a lawyer. As long as he is willing to provide financial support for the child, he should be able to insist on visitation rights- that's what family court is for. Unfortunately, no judge can require good will from the mother or her parents.

 

[coastgirl]

Ugh, I'm sorry that sounds awful. Make sure you've got a good roaming package so you can text/give him a quick call every now and again. Never a good time for something like that, but extra sorry it's making your heart heavy when it should be light.

 

[M2B]

It's always difficult to see a child in turmoil, even when they're an adult. Tell him to get a lawyer. As long as he is willing to provide financial support for the child, he should be able to insist on visitation rights- that's what family court is for. Unfortunately, no judge can require good will from the mother or her parents.

We've told him to get a lawyer. There's a long ways to go though. It was reaching the point that he would be in turmoil either way. Either they would be fighting continually or just broken up.

 

[Gina-Gina-Bo-Bina]

Unfortunately, I can't offer any advice or wise words, but just wanted to send a hug your way. I can only imagine how difficult it is to leave on a family vacation knowing your DS is struggling with such big issues.

 

[wdwmom3]

He has every right to not only see the child but also have joint custody. He should go speak to a lawyer and be prepared to go to court for joint custody and visitation as soon as the baby is born. The sooner he has frequent regular visits with the baby the sooner he can have the baby overnight. She will fight this I'm sure but she has no more right to the baby then he does. I know plenty of guys who have 50% custody and some who have sole custody. The most you can do is be supportive and encourage him to remain a part of this child's life. She can not keep him from his baby. The courts take that very seriously now with joint custody now being the norm

 

[wdwmom3]

It's always difficult to see a child in turmoil, even when they're an adult. Tell him to get a lawyer. As long as he is willing to provide financial support for the child, he should be able to insist on visitation rights- that's what family court is for. Unfortunately, no judge can require good will from the mother or her parents.

He is not only entitled to visitation he is entitled to joint custody. And usually if custody is split 50/50 neither party pays support. And a judge would take a mother preventing a father from seeing their child very seriously. Many friends of mine and myself have spent many many hours dealing with family court.

 

[kuhltiffany]

Custody and support are dealt with separately. It is very possible if there is a disparity in income between the 2 parents that the higher income may have to pay the lower. The idea is that the child should not have to suffer by living in 2 differently-incomed households, the child support makes up the difference so it's like they are sharing the overall income...

He is not only entitled to visitation he is entitled to joint custody. And usually if custody is split 50/50 neither party pays support. And a judge would take a mother preventing a father from seeing their child very seriously. Many friends of mine and myself have spent many many hours dealing with family court.

 

[AJ1983]

He has every right to not only see the child but also have joint custody. He should go speak to a lawyer and be prepared to go to court for joint custody and visitation as soon as the baby is born. The sooner he has frequent regular visits with the baby the sooner he can have the baby overnight. She will fight this I'm sure but she has no more right to the baby then he does. I know plenty of guys who have 50% custody and some who have sole custody. The most you can do is be supportive and encourage him to remain a part of this child's life. She can not keep him from his baby. The courts take that very seriously now with joint custody now being the norm

Yes! Many guys try to do it the "right" way by going through the court, and not push the issue, but the early time is precious for establishing a bond that the court will not want to disturb.

 

[AJ1983]

Custody and support are dealt with separately. It is very possible if there is a disparity in income between the 2 parents that the higher income may have to pay the lower. The idea is that the child should not have to suffer by living in 2 differently-incomed households, the child support makes up the difference so it's like they are sharing the overall income...

You are right, but its is very unlikely that 50/50 would be ordered for a newborn who has never lived with both parents. The father would pay based on his income, as per the Federal Child Support Guidelines.

Good luck to OP and her family, I understand how stressful this can be, and your son is lucky to have such a supportive family.

 

[M2B]

A lot of that is far off. He could consult with a lawyer now but we are months from being able to do much of anything. We have advised him to use a free consultation to ask some initial questions. When/if the lawyer is required we will need to help him pay for it.

I'm just worried about leaving him for ten days so soon after such a blow up.

There is a lot up in the air right now. We want him to think for a bit before he does anything. I'm hoping things calm down and a more reasonable approach can be taken. At this point she could still lose the baby or terminate the pregnancy. It's a lot to take in.

 

[wdwmom3]

He really can't do anything until the baby is born except get advice. Give him a big hug and I'm sure he will be ok.

 

[tgropp]

He has every right to not only see the child but also have joint custody. He should go speak to a lawyer and be prepared to go to court for joint custody and visitation as soon as the baby is born. The sooner he has frequent regular visits with the baby the sooner he can have the baby overnight. She will fight this I'm sure but she has no more right to the baby then he does. I know plenty of guys who have 50% custody and some who have sole custody. The most you can do is be supportive and encourage him to remain a part of this child's life. She can not keep him from his baby. The courts take that very seriously now with joint custody now being the norm

This is about the best advice that you will get. Try without the lawyers but if there is no cooperation then a lawyer may be your best friend.

 

[M2B]

I "think" here, mediation is required before a lawyer. Or you're supposed to attempt mediation before going through a lawyer. That may only apply to couples who hare divorcing though I don't know.

Right now the mom's parents are in "we'll get you" mode. I understand that to some extent but I'm hoping they'll cool off and realize that A) these needs to be their daughter's decisions, and B) there will be a baby caught in the middle of all of this.

 

[sherilaine]

That is a rough situation - but you are allowed to be okay with going on your vacation. My mother worries about my older brother still and he is 62!! It will never end I am told.

My nephew went through the same thing, his GF got pregnant when he was around your DS age and they had a very volatile relationship. They have managed to make it work, even though he was kicked out many times. The situation is more than likely going to take several 180s before it settles and that might be long, long after the baby is born.

I can tell you -my nephew had to grow up fast and he rose to the challenge - let us hope the same thing happens for your son!!

Good luck.

 

[wdwmom3]

I "think" here, mediation is required before a lawyer. Or you're supposed to attempt mediation before going through a lawyer. That may only apply to couples who hare divorcing though I don't know.

Right now the mom's parents are in "we'll get you" mode. I understand that to some extent but I'm hoping they'll cool off and realize that A) these needs to be their daughter's decisions, and B) there will be a baby caught in the middle of all of this.

I agree usually mediation is the way to go. But she has already made comment like you will never see this child etc. this is not the same as when parents are together when the child is born and later breaks up. The bonding that occurs during the first few weeks of life is very precious and important for a bond to be established by both parents. She may try and keep him from seeing the baby and she has no legal right to do this. He would not want to miss those precious first weeks so he should be prepared with a lawyer ready to file a court motion before the baby is born just in case she refuses visitation.

The norm in this situation would be very frequent short visits so as not to interfere with breast feeding etc. the visits may also be where the baby lives at first. If that bond is established early and the father is a very active part of the baby's life longer visits leading to overnight will occur several months later.

I know all this because of the issues with my youngest ds's father. The only difference is he is scum and really has shown no interest in seeing our son. I actually begged him to visit his son and he rarely did. So now I have a 2 1/2 year old who does not know his real father (I have been with an amazing man for over a year and they are super close) and an idiot who thinks he should now just be able to take his son for the weekends. It's been over a year since he has seen him.

Sorry for going on but it's a rough morning as I have been bombarded with emails from him telling me how I'm being unreasonable for not just sending him there for the weekend. Kind of tough .

To the op I will keep your ds in my thoughts I know from experience it's not easy.

 

[mom_rules]

getting back to the question-Skype is wonderful.....Make sure you stay in touch with him.....

 

[M2B]

wdwmom, I'm not sure mediation and parenting classes are an option here. Again though that's in the case of divorce.

I am quite sure though that he can't do anything really until the baby is born. In the mean time we will hope cooler heads prevail and nothing more happens while we are gone.

I agree though, those first few weeks are so important! Visitation would likely be happening at her place, and if necessary we (he!) can request a court ordered third party be present.

I say "we" because "we" will be paying the legal fees.

Thanks everyone! It helps to just get the thoughts out of my head. I just added 30 mins US calling to each cell phone and made sure we can text without a huge bill. He can call my parents, too. They aren't close but they're good at listening and talking him through stuff.

 

[wdwmom3]

wdwmom, I'm not sure mediation and parenting classes are an option here. Again though that's in the case of divorce.

I am quite sure though that he can't do anything really until the baby is born. In the mean time we will hope cooler heads prevail and nothing more happens while we are gone.

I agree though, those first few weeks are so important! Visitation would likely be happening at her place, and if necessary we (he!) can request a court ordered third party be present.

I say "we" because "we" will be paying the legal fees.

Thanks everyone! It helps to just get the thoughts out of my head. I just added 30 mins US calling to each cell phone and made sure we can text without a huge bill. He can call my parents, too. They aren't close but they're good at listening and talking him through stuff.

I really hope things work out. These situations are not good for anyone especially the kids. I really do hope you have a good trip. I'm sure he will be ok. ((hugs))

 

[M2B]

I am starting to get excited for the trip again. Especially with the mid-January type weather we're having!