Was I wrong??? Long post-sorry!

[Keli]

Things that happen with IL's and new spouses before and shortly after the wedding help set the tone to the relationship between them for years to come. It's sort of like every word and action is amplified in everyone's minds.

I'd do all I could to gloss over this incident. I'd reschedule the party and invite db and his fiancee through him as he requested. And I'd be super nice to her when/if she came. It's important to try to get the relationship between her and you guys off to a good start, IMHO.

It's not that I don't see why you were hurt, I do, but I think in your hurt you may have taken more drastic measures than necessary. You don't want this to become an incident that keeps you two distant for all of time, you know?

 

[disykat]

I don't think you were wrong at all to email her directly. He gave you her address. I have found that I have to email my SIL directly. I was relying on my brother to talk to her and addressing emails sent to his address to both of them. Bad move! My brother forgets, and SIL ends up out of the loop. I now email her directly, because I want her to know we think of her as part of the family.

I think your Brother totally over-reacted and I would be very upset that he was engaged to a person I had never met and evidently wasn't very interested in meeting me or the rest of the family.

While part of me says continue with the party, apologize, silently roll your eyes and issue another invitation to your brother and ask him to invite her along - the bigger part of me would probably be giving my brother whatfor for leaving his family out of such an important part of his life.

I don't get the whole "how dare you invite her to a family party" thing. They're engaged, right? I would "get" that attitude if it was just someone he was dating casually.

 

[crazy4disney01]

I think you were just trying to be nice and get to know someone who your brother obviously loves and will be joining your family. He is trying to keep her to the side and hidden right now for whatever reason. Maybe once the holidays come around,he'll loosen up and bring her around the family.

 

[momof2inPA]

I don't think your brother is necessarily embarrassed of his family, but it seems like there's something fishy going on with the new girlfriend. I dunno, maybe she's married or has other matches who read her e-mails. It's impossible to know.

Try not to be jealous of your brother's good fortune. He's worked hard for it.

 

[hlane]

Try not to be jealous of your brother's good fortune. He's worked hard for it.

Oh I totally agree and I hope it doesn't come accross as I'm jealous because I'm not. He's worked VERY hard to get where he is today and I am very proud of him and he knows the whole family is.
I made the choices I made (not studying, skipping school, getting married at 18 and thinking that was a reason not to go to college) and he made his choices (studying all the time, going to college fulltime for 8 years straight while working full-time) so we both are getting back the effort we put in, KWIM.

 

[tkd lisa]

I also think there's something strange going on here. As far as the fact that you don't send emails to your "in-law siblings", I guess I'd assume that as a married couple, they have a joint email account, and whichever spouse keeps track of social things is the one that reads that. Since your brother and his fiance appear to be living apart, the only way to know she'd get the invitation is by specifically inviting her.

I wouldn't have cancelled the party, but I would have been upset at my brother, and concerned about this fiance.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

You should have gave your brother respect and asked him before inviting her via email. That was really an odd thing to do considering you have never met her.

 

[lesroi]

I cancelled because I am ALWAYS the one planning family functions that always end up being drama filled and I'm just tired of it. Although we are close I feel like I am the glue that holds up together at times and it just gets tiring.
Yes it was petty of me and I will probably reschedule but at the time I was very hurt.

Hmmm, seems like you are just as good at creating the drama as your brother. You must be related!

I think both sides of the story are a bit weird. I would never cancel a planned party with a bunch of adults so I could act like a child and make sure that everything centers around me. Note: this is just my opinion from reading the post!

Tracy

 

[Frantasmic]

Although we are close I feel like I am the
glue that holds up together at times and it just gets tiring.

This struck me as relevant to you. Would the family agree that you all are close? Would they also agree that you are the "glue" that holds them together?

The person who is the "glue" often is the one who values the family more than the others, who may not share the sometimes rosy outlook that the gluer has.

The gluer also, as you have indicated, gets tired of the work, which is often thankless.

If your family is truly as close as you feel, someone else will step in to be the temporary gluer. If no one does, then your views of how close your family is probably don't mesh with others views of how close your family is.

Also, and I don't know, but this is just speculation, the gluer often takes that position to be the person with the power. And when things don't go your way (the drama), you don't feel appreciated for just trying to be nice and keeping the family together.

Take a subjective look at your motivations and what you really expect from your family.

As for this particular situation, your brother shouldn't have done what he did, but I think you did react a bit much to the situation. You wanted to reach out to his fiance, but people may not be used to so much closeness so quickly.

 

[Tigger&Belle]

I must have missed that she didn't want to meet the family at all. I'll read closer after I have my first cup of coffee.

And C-B, I've never heard that a guest can't invite a guest. So on an invite of any kind, you should never put, "and guest" (ie, a wedding invite). I've heard of that being done a lot and in this particular case, her name could have been added or since it's informal it could have been made clear that she was welcome.

Hopefully it will all blow over because it's not a good way to start off a relationship no matter who was in the right and wrong.

 

[salmoneous]

I kind of get the feeling that it boils down to he's embarrassed of his family. I called him at work gave him a piece of my mind and then sent out an email to everyone (except her) and canceled the party. Was it really that wrong for me to email and invite her directly? Was I wrong to get so upset?

Alright, first of all, huh? Nowhere in your post did I see anything that hinted that he was embarrassed by your family. Where the heck did that come from (maybe it comes from things you haven't mentioned here.)

Second, were you wrong to invite her directly? Probably not. But it did bother your brother, so I wouldn't do it again. My guess (just projecting myself onto your brother probably) is that it is a control issue.

Finally, were you wrong to get so upset? Well, I don't think emotions are necessarily right or wrong - but from what you posted I don't see your brother doing anything wrong for you to get upset with him. You meddled, he asked you not to do it again. No big deal on either side.

 

[Sherri]

Your heart was in the right the place. You did the kind thing. You did nothing wrong. If when DH and I were dating, I would have been thrilled to receive a direct invitation from his family, to me that would have given me a feeling of warmth.
Remember it's not how much money you and your family have, its the quality of people that you are. The fact that you are all close and would open up your home and hearts to someone you haven't yet met speaks volumes.

 

[Disney Ella]

Could it be that he didn't want her to come with him and wouldn't have told her about the invitation? I don't understand why he would give you her e-mail address if he didn't want you to e-mail her, doesn't make any sense.

Most people are so excited when they're engaged and can't wait for everyone to meet the most wonderful person in the world who has agreed to marry them. It seems very strange that your brother hasn't introduced his fiancee to the family.

 

[taximomfor4]

I guess I am confused here. We invite the family member, and include their "special someone" on THEIR invitation. So it seems like your brother noticed that just the main people were invited, and that the only "outsider" was his girl. That the other siblings' special someones were not specifically invited separately. Perhaps your bro and his girl took issue with THAT then, since it made her separate from your brother.

My family is a little strange, but still VERY close. We are not there with you through all the years of family dynamics, but if I were the new gal, I would have felt picked on, not honored, that I was treated differently than the other "special someones" in the family. By her name sticking out as the lone outsider, you may have "let the cat out of the bag" for your brother and this girl. They may have their own reasons for doing this stuff behind the family's back (engagement, etc). Perhaps your brother KNOWS how you all would disapprove of him getting engaged yet again.

It's for your brother to introduce, announce, and inform about his relationships. It's the "Family"'s job to worry quietly and let him make his own big-boy choices.

My 2 cents, for what it's worth (with inflation, NOT Much!)

 

[taximomfor4]

My parents did try to get me to join the drama club in high school for a reason. I can be a drama queen without even realizing it at the time.
No more posting on the DIS boards for me!! I thought everyone would take my side since we are united by love for all thing Disney!! J/K of course!!

LOL. I am a lot like you, in this. At least you know it, and try to check yourself!!

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I have to say that taximomfor4 has probably nailed it perfectly.

 

[mickeyfan2]

Since she is not actually in the family it was correct to invite her via email too. Your brother was out of line to get mad at you and you way over reacted when you cancelled the party. I don't see anywhere that he is embarrased by the family. He may be bad at the picking a mate, but that will ultimately be his problem.

 

[DisneyArk]

Hang in there! Your intentions were good and you should definitely reschedule the party and move on. Remember that now you are also creating family memories for your children (so that hopefully when they are adults they won't have drama like this ).

You may never fully understand exactly why your brother or his fiancé were upset. Did you happen to say anything about your brother bringing his fiancé in the wording of the invitation? Maybe his finance is nervous about "meeting the family." Try not to assume that your brother was upset because he is ashamed of you. He is probably just worried because he wants her to like you all and for you all to like her. She could have just casually mentioned that she was surprised to receive the invite and he overreacted thinking that she was offended.

 

[Cool-Beans]

And C-B, I've never heard that a guest can't invite a guest. So on an invite of any kind, you should never put, "and guest" (ie, a wedding invite). I've heard of that being done a lot and in this particular case, her name could have been added or since it's informal it could have been made clear that she was welcome.

She asked if she'd done the "wrong" thing, not if she'd done the same thing that lots of people do.

..."and guest," is not correct. Not on wedding invites, not on anything. You're supposed to contact the people you're inviting and find out if they'd like to bring someone. Then, you issue that person their own invitation. It is extra work, I know. And once you've done this, you can't decide you don't want to invite someone after all. If they decide to bring someone of the same sex, or someone you hate just because that's what you do (say, you're Indian and they want to invite someone from Pakistan - of course they have different rules, I'm sure, but you get my general drift) you have to invite that person, even if you don't personally approve. Don't get me started on that.

Sometimes the rules of etiquette have zip to do with what is personally or morally correct (a lady can murder her husband and remain a lady, but not so if she's late for dinner), but in this case I like the rule. Makes the person invited by the host personally. More friendly and welcoming.

I wouldn't call someone up and say, "You put 'and guest' on the invite - that is improper and I'm offended!" But I cannot fault someone for doing the very thing that etiqette requires.

I wouldn't post on a thread just to point this out, but the OP flippin asked.

I didn't make the rules up, so don't blame me. And puleeze nobody tell me that Emily Post or some other "authority" on etiquette said it was okie-dokie. If Emily is saying it is OK, she's wrong...and it wouldn't be the first time.

And Mickey can't call a host(ess) and say, "Hey, I'd like to bring Minnie along, is that OK?" Unless Mickey and Minnie got engaged after the invites went out, then that would be allright. If Minnie isn't invited and he just cannot bear to attend without her, he has to graciously decline (without mentioning it.)

Of course, I've heard a rumor that Mickey requires payment for his attendance at weddings. I don't even know where to begin on that.

 

[salmoneous]

Cool-Beans -

I don't know if there are "rights" and "wrong" when it comes to etiquette. But I will say I've never heard the rules you suggested. For even the most formal parties I see nothing wrong with inviting a person and telling them they can bring a guest. Nor have I ever heard anyone else think it wrong.

As for calling up and asking if it's OK to bring a guest... while that might be a bit tacky for a formal party, its absolutely OK for a family get-together.