Was I wrong??? Long post-sorry!

[mattsdragon]

I think that you should have waited until you met her before e-mailing her an invitation.

On the otherhand, I think that having a family thing is good and let your brother know that since she is now his fiance, she is obligated to attend family functions. My father remarried after my mother died, and the woman he's married too won't show up for any family functions. I can count on on hand the number of times I've seen her since they got married 9 years ago. (We don't even exchange gifts at Christmas anymore). When you marry someone, you marry their family as well, good or bad, and you now are obligated to be a part of their family. They may want you close, they may not, it's is really up to them. He needs to get her ready for this.

But until vows are exchanged, her invites should still go through him.

 

[taximomfor4]

Cool-Beans -

I don't know if there are "rights" and "wrong" when it comes to etiquette. But I will say I've never heard the rules you suggested. For even the most formal parties I see nothing wrong with inviting a person and telling them they can bring a guest. Nor have I ever heard anyone else think it wrong.

As for calling up and asking if it's OK to bring a guest... while that might be a bit tacky for a formal party, its absolutely OK for a family get-together.

I have seen the very "etiquette rule" that Cool-Beans referred to. However, that is always assuming you are somewhat familiar with the NAME of the guest. Also, I don't think it would offensive to address the invite to the brother + (insert new fiancee name here) at brother's email address. I would assume (and we KNOW what they say about ASSUMING!!) that the other brothers were invited "Brother + [Insert Significant Other's Name Here]. I gathered this from what the OP posted...something about the new fiancee being the only non-family-member invited separately.

And since OP states how the new engagement was discovered, and it didn't include an introduction or even a formal announcement, OP may have been "spilling the beans" on her BROTHER's news. Everyone in the family could see their own names in the invite list, and then this UNKNOWN name.

THAT would have upset me, if I were the brother or the new fiancee. Perhaps the brother hadn't told his family the news yet because he knows they don't trust his judgment in matters of the heart. When we found out we were pregnant, we didn't rush to tell everyone -- only the people who would be happy for us (barely anybody).

 

[RitaZ.]

Were you wrong? The only thing that I wouldn't have done was cancel the party. The whole situation became too complicated without having to be. It should be fairly simple and clear. You're invited to a party... Are you coming? Yes or No? What other option is there?

I think there was just overreaction on both parts, your brother's and yours.

Good luck!

 

[hlane]

Perhaps the brother hadn't told his family the news yet because he knows they don't trust his judgment in matters of the heart.

Nope, that wasn't the case...he had already told everyone. BUT just an update...I did send out another email telling everyone I had cleared my schedule and the party was back on (I had originally told them I found out I had a prior engagement). I do realize I did overreact by cancelling, I just didn't and still don't feel I was wrong in emailing her.

 

[RitaZ.]

Nope, that wasn't the case...he had already told everyone. BUT just an update...I did send out another email telling everyone I had cleared my schedule and the party was back on (I had originally told them I found out I had a prior engagement). I do realize I did overreact by cancelling, I just didn't and still don't feel I was wrong in emailing her.

That's good!

I agree with you. I don't see anything wrong in sending her that email. There was no malicious intent on your part, you just wanted to include her in the family's celebration. I think your brother's interpretation and reaction was . That's just how I see it.

 

[hlane]

Forgot to mention in my last post but she was NOT included in my second email to the family.
Although I do have to admit that the 12 year old in me wanted to type in her email address and leave off a letter just so at a glance he'd think I did email her again BUT I didn't..
I figured with my luck somehow the address would end up correcting itself and she'd really get the email and then there would be world war 3

 

[Cool-Beans]

Cool-Beans -

I don't know if there are "rights" and "wrong" when it comes to etiquette. But I will say I've never heard the rules you suggested. For even the most formal parties I see nothing wrong with inviting a person and telling them they can bring a guest. Nor have I ever heard anyone else think it wrong.

As for calling up and asking if it's OK to bring a guest... while that might be a bit tacky for a formal party, its absolutely OK for a family get-together.

I can totally "get" how if you've lived your whole life never hearing something you might question whether some wackadoodle on the internet was right about it. I've done it myself. I take no offense.

And if all y'all want to write, "and guest" on every invitation you ever mail, have at it! I'm not the Manners Police, it is just peachy by me. Just letting the OP know she wasn't doing anything improper there.

Again, I don't much care what anyone writes on their invites - it is all good by me.

OP, I'm glad to hear you were able to have your party after all. I'm sure it will be a success!

 

[Tigger&Belle]

Nope, that wasn't the case...he had already told everyone. BUT just an update...I did send out another email telling everyone I had cleared my schedule and the party was back on (I had originally told them I found out I had a prior engagement). I do realize I did overreact by cancelling, I just didn't and still don't feel I was wrong in emailing her.

Next time, please run it by us before cancelling a party!

Glad it's back on and even though I wouldn't have probably e-mailed her the invite without first meeting her, I might have e-mailed her a hello type of e-mail, so I don't think you were far off-base. And I think erring on the side of being overly communicative is better than being under like a lot of people complain about.

 

[disykat]

That's good!

I agree with you. I don't see anything wrong in sending her that email. There was no malicious intent on your part, you just wanted to include her in the family's celebration. I think your brother's interpretation and reaction was . That's just how I see it.

Me too! I feel kind of sorry for the girl, because IMO she really blew it. She freaked out at getting an email from her fiance's sister? She pretty much guaranteed that she'll never get invited to anything in that family other than as an assumed attachment to her husband.