Was I wrong??? Long post-sorry!

[hlane]

Ok, here's the deal...did I have a right to get upset? Here's some background info in case you need it.
My younger brother (26) is just in a different class then the rest of the family.
He just graduated law school and now has a job making 6 figures,the rest
of us make it pay check to pay check barely at times with both spouses working. He lives kind of the lifestyle I just see on TV, freedom, friends,money, travel, etc.
He is not married but has one child (8) for whom he does pay child support for.
We are a very close family and all live fairly close distance to each other (within 20 min) and he visits our parents EVERY week.
My brother has been unlucky in love since, well, forever. He's one of the ones to jump in and falls in love right away and that person is the center of his universe for the time being. He has been engaged twice previously but never made it to the alter. Well now he has been dating a girl he met on Match for the last six months.
I called him last weekend to chat and asked him what he's doing, he says he's shopping for an engagement ring. I kinda flipped out when I found out he was proposing to this girl that night!!!
No one in my family has even met her!!! Like I said, we are a close family so this is really strange!!
Finally I settled down and decided to accept it, he's a big boy now. So later in the weekend I decide to plan a family get-together for December
to celebrate the holidays and the winter birthdays (mine included).
I called him and asked for his new fiances email address, he gave it to me.
I emailed a invitation to everyone in my immediate family and to her. The next morning I woke up and to my surprise I had an email from my brother telling me not to email his fiance any more, if I needed something to go through him. He said you did not email such and such (my brother in-law and sister in-law) directly then don't email her directly. I was very hurt and upset by this. I was trying to be nice and make her feel welcome into the family even without meeting her but he took it as me being pushy and trying to make her feel uncomfortable.
One point he did make that I didn't notice was that the invitation I sent out you could see who accepted and who declined, I still don't feel that should be a big deal but he thinks that she may feel obligated even if she doesn't want to come since everyone could see she declined.
I kind of get the feeling that it boils down to he's embarrassed of his family.
I called him at work gave him a piece of my mind and then sent out an email to everyone (except her) and canceled the party. Was it really that wrong for me to email and invite her directly? Was I wrong to get so upset? My brother and I have made up but Im still hurt and confused.

 

[JadenLayne]

I can't imagine him asking her to marry him when she hasn't met his family. Wow, that's just weird. I think your right, something is up.

 

[minniecarousel]

Well - he DID give you her E-mail address, right? So he obviously heard from her that she doesn't want to be included like that just yet. Give her time. Sounds like you have a little chip on your shoulder. I think I would have just made sure that he knew that she was invited to the party. I think you were petty in cancelling the party over this.

 

[Cool-Beans]

Ok, here's the deal...did I have a right to get upset? Here's some background info in case you need it.

My younger brother (26) is just in a different class then the rest of the family.
He just graduated law school and now has a job making 6 figures,the rest
of us make it pay check to pay check barely at times with both spouses working. He lives kind of the lifestyle I just see on TV, freedom, friends,money, travel, etc.

He is not married but has one child (8) for whom he does pay child support for.

We are a very close family and all live fairly close distance to each other (within 20 min) and he visits our parents EVERY week.

My brother has been unlucky in love since, well, forever. He's one of the ones to jump in and falls in love right away and that person is the center of his universe for the time being. He has been engaged twice previously but never made it to the alter.

Well now he has been dating a girl he met on Match for the last six months.

I called him last weekend to chat and asked him what he's doing, he says he's shopping for an engagement ring. I kinda flipped out when I found out he was proposing to this girl that night!!! No one in my family has even met her!!! Like I said, we are a close family so this is really strange!!

Finally I settled down and decided to accept it, he's a big boy now.

So later in the weekend I decide to plan a family get-together for December
to celebrate the holidays and the winter birthdays (mine included). I called him and asked for his new fiances email address, he gave it to me.

I emailed a invitation to everyone in my immediate family and to her.

The next morning I woke up and to my surprise I had an email from my brother telling me not to email his fiance any more, if I needed something to go through him. He said you did not email such and such (my brother in-law and sister in-law) directly then don't email her directly.

I was very hurt and upset by this. I was trying to be nice and make her feel welcome into the family even without meeting her but he took it as me being pushy and trying to make her feel uncomfortable.

One point he did make that I didn't notice was that the invitation I sent out you could see who accepted and who declined, I still don't feel that should be a big deal but he thinks that she may feel obligated even if she doesn't want to come since everyone could see she declined.

I kind of get the feeling that it boils down to he's embarrassed of his family.
I called him at work gave him a piece of my mind and then sent out an email to everyone (except her) and canceled the party.

Was it really that wrong for me to email and invite her directly? Was I wrong to get so upset? My brother and I have made up but Im still hurt and confused.

I'm confused. Wildly and totally.

Is your brother upset because you invited her? Or because you sent invites through email? Or because you invited her without checking with him first? Or because you sent her an invite and not other people?

 

[Disneyland1084]

I think your brother over reacted. There was nothing wrong with you sending an email invite to his fiance. Please don't let this bother you, (you're like me, you get upset over minor things) it's just not worth it. Let it go. Maybe you can call up your brother and plan to get together with him and his fiance. I know I'm not really good at giving advice, but this will pass.

 

[hlane]

I'm confused. Wildly and totally.

Is your brother upset because you invited her? Or because you sent invites through email? Or because you invited her without checking with him first?

He was upset that I invited her directly. He said I should have invited him and he could have asked her to come. He said that way she wouldn't feel obligated to come and he could lie for her if need be.

 

[annegal]

if I needed something to go through him. He said you did not email such and such (my brother in-law and sister in-law) directly then don't email her directly. :

He has a point. In my family all the siblings make the plans via e-mail. Then each talks it over with their spouses and responds.

In my DH's family-all the women do the planning.

Different stokes for different folks

I think you are making a bigger deal of this than you should .

 

[Mom2Em]

For some reason I find it funny that he gave you her email and got upset that you emailed her... What did he think you were going to do?

 

[hlane]

Well - he DID give you her E-mail address, right? So he obviously heard from her that she doesn't want to be included like that just yet. Give her time. Sounds like you have a little chip on your shoulder. I think I would have just made sure that he knew that she was invited to the party. I think you were petty in cancelling the party over this.

I cancelled because I am ALWAYS the one planning family functions that always end up being drama filled and I'm just tired of it. Although we are close I feel like I am the glue that holds up together at times and it just gets tiring.
Yes it was petty of me and I will probably reschedule but at the time I was very hurt.

 

[All American]

Hmmm, methinks there may be some red flags waving in the distance.

As to your question "Was I wrong to get upset?" I don't think so. It sounds innocent enough. You wanted to do something nice and include her in it. Your brother gave you a response you didn't expect. I'd be surprised, a little taken aback, maybe a little hurt. I don't know what prompted his response. If your family is as close as you say, that is something to be proud of not embarrassed, regardless of where you're at on society's financial pyramid.

If it were me, once I got over my own feelings, I would call everyone back and say the party's back on. You guys can still have a good time. Don't let his bad mood spoil the fun.

 

[*Fantasia*]

He was upset that I invited her directly. He said I should have invited him and he could have asked her to come. He said that way she wouldn't feel obligated to come and he could lie for her if need be.

Nice..!! (NOT!) So he could lie for her.. if she didn't want to come?!?! How old is she.. 12?! I think if are old enough to marry a man.. you should be old enough to be able to just say.. "Thank you for your invitation, but now is not a good time."

Yes, you should have the right to feel hurt. You were just being nice to her since she IS.. or Will be your new SIL.

 

[Mom2Em]

In my family, I email everyone, not just the sibs... The guys are a little slow to respond...

 

[Tigger&Belle]

Considering that you hadn't even met her, I do think it was a bit forward of you to invite her directly to an event. If you'd met her, I can understand, but since you hadn't, that was maybe a bit much. Not a major overstepping of any boundaries and it does seem that he overreacted, which of course was probably because of her reaction. Did he know why you wanted her e-mail address? And even if he did, he wouldn't know what her reaction would be. She seems a bit of a baby, but of course maybe that opinion would change after meeting her.

At this point I wouldn't cancel an event. Why would you do that? The purpose of the event is to celebrate family events, which will still be going on, so have the get-together, go through him, and let this blow over.

 

[Cool-Beans]

He was upset that I invited her directly. He said I should have invited him and he could have asked her to come. He said that way she wouldn't feel obligated to come and he could lie for her if need be.

OK, the etiquette rule is that a guest cannot, on their own accord, invite another guest. The right and entirely proper thing to do is for the host to get that person's address and invite the third person directly. You were correct there. It makes the invited person TRULY invited by the host(ess) and not some dragged along crasher.

But, it is a good idea to check with a family member before issuing an invite, because if they didn't want that person there, it could cause some disharmony, which you wouldn't want.

So, I think both you and your brother are in the wrong.

I also think you should just let this go and not cause a big family fight over it. I don't know why you cancelled the party and don't need to know. Neither does anyone else.

Drop this like a hot potato!

 

[BuckNaked]

I would have sent an invitation to my brother that included both of them. I would have felt funny sending an invitation to a family gathering to someone that I had never met, but that's just me.

 

[poohandwendy]

I kind of get the feeling that it boils down to he's embarrassed of his family.
I called him at work gave him a piece of my mind and then sent out an email to everyone (except her) and canceled the party. Was it really that wrong for me to email and invite her directly? Was I wrong to get so upset? My brother and I have made up but Im still hurt and confused.

I think you were doing ok until the end. And then you overreacted, IMO.

Probably should have asked your brother first if emailing her directly was a good idea, but not a huge deal, IMO. But, then it kinda seems like you threw a tantrum. Cancelling the party was over the top.

I think I would invite your brother over to meet you and your DH (kids?). An informal dinner with just you and your family could break the ice and make it easier for her to slowly be introduced to the family. you may be surprised, she might be a great person. Give her (and his relationship with her) a chance.

JMO

 

[hlane]

then you overreacted, IMO.

My parents did try to get me to join the drama club in high school for a reason. I can be a drama queen without even realizing it at the time.
No more posting on the DIS boards for me!! I thought everyone would take my side since we are united by love for all thing Disney!! J/K of course!!

 

[WebmasterMaryJo]

That's one of the cool things about the DIS -- sometimes the truth is more important than sparing feelings.

I look at the DIS as a good way to check how I respond to things, though I may not agree with everyone.

I'd say to give your brother some slack, and not to force the issue. Sometimes relationships have a way of changing dynamics in a family, and the best gift you can give him is to be gracious about his choices. She may be the mom of your future nieces/nephews, and life will be easier if you start off on a positive note.

Good luck.

 

[CherCrazy]

Wow, she doesn't want to meet the fam??? Red flags popping up all over.
I don't think you did anything wrong by inviting her directly.

My DB WAS engaged to a nut like that too. Thankfully...WAS engaged. After they were engaged, we started asking the normal questions like when, where, what color dresses, etc. We all were informed, not so politely by my DB that we should not ask her ANY questions about the wedding. Huh?? Don't all brides want to talk about their dream day?? Then we found out that when she was in our hometown, she put on the engagement ring, when she left our town, she took it off. True love

 

[Nancy]

I think SHE got P.O'd that he gave you her e-mnail address, and she yelled at him, so he took it out on you. I do think it is strange that she doesn;t want to meet the family, or that he would get engaged without having you meet her. Maybe if you lived in different cities or somehting, but not if you're a close family.

I'd be mad a little bit, but I'd get over it really quick, don't let it spoil your relationship...maybe this will be another one that doesn't actually make it to the alter and maybe brother is a bit leery about having her meet everyone with his track record.