Was I wrong? Kinda long...

[Kathi OD]

That's just it, I can't wait until mid-January. That leaves 9 weeks to get a dress that takes 6 weeks to come in. No time for alterations or problems.

3 weeks is plenty of time for alterations, especially if you don't use the shop's seamstress. Start asking around now for names of seamstresses who do alterations now. My daughter just got married last month. There were 7 girls in her wedding and not 1 of them got their dress altered at the shop. They all used an independent seamstress and their dresses looked awesome! They fit like gloves. An added bonus...they paid less than half what the store's seamstress would have charged. Luckily for us, DD's gown didn't need to be altered, but if it had, she would have used an independent seamstress too.

 

[redlight]

I see both sides. You are right in a way. She should have ordered or not ordered the dress a long time ago. On the other hand, I see why she is delaying. It's probably hard on her too. I'd suggest waiting another week or two, keeping in mind that the friendship is more important than the wedding. If I were advising her, I'd tell her to order now.

 

[chloelovesdisney]

There's still enough time, I wouldn't worry so much about it and let her purchase it when she has the money. A dress can be altered in a day, it doesn't have to be done by the shop where the dress was purchased. If she's a good friend I would let it go, if she's not than I would release her from what is an expensive obligation for her and let her come as a guest.

 

[cluvsdisney]

I don't think you are wrong. She should never have accepted the invitation to be a bridesmaid if she wasn't going to be able to pay for the gown. Then she drags out the ordering process and keeps putting you on the spot when you have accommodated her beyond your comfort zone.

 

[cm8]

Back in July, I asked 3 friends to be bridesmaid's in my wedding in March. I gave them a choice of 3 different dresses, they all 3 chose the same $140 dress. At the 1st fitting, I was told they would take 12 weeks to come in. I told all of my girls (4 including my sister which is Maid of Honor) that I would like the dresses ordered by end of September, giving 3 months for any problems or alterations. End of September comes and 3 of the 4 can't do it and ask for another month. I make another appointment for the girls for end of October. One of them tell me they will call and order it, she doesn't need to re-try it on. The other 3 and I get there, 2 of them order and the other one says she doesn't have the money.
Another month and the last one still hasn't ordered but she gets a $1000 bonus, says she is going to order, yet doesn't. 2 weeks ago, I asked her again if she ordered and she said no. I told her that if she wanted to back out, she could. She said it was for the best. I didn't hear from her for 2 weeks when she emailed me and said if I could be more patient, she would get the dress. I have been more than patient with her. I gave her 2 extra months. Its just getting too close to wait anymore. I feel like she has turned it around on me, like it's my fault. Was I wrong to not give her more time?
The wedding is March 26th. I did find out after the 1st order that the dresses actually take 6 weeks instead of 12.

No, so leave her out. You have other things to worry about

 

[EllenFrasier]

I don't understand why you can't wait until January? If she doesn't order the dress at that time, then she is out of the wedding party. Why do you have to cut her out of the wedding now? Give her a chance to order it in January and see what happens. Were you thinking of asking someone else instead of her if she cannot be in the wedding?

 

[mousebymarriage]

Ok, putting my flame suit on.

After being a bridesmaid one time too many, I have learned to politely decline immediately when asked. The wedding is the biggest thing in YOUR life right now, that is not the case for your bridal party, your friends, your neighbors and your cubemates. If money is tight, it can be expensive and she may have other priorities. You yourself have said you cant afford the dress for her right now, so you should be able to understand the money issue that she is having. If you really want her in your wedding you will work it out. It might be embarrasing for her to have to tell you this, that is prob why she didnt fess up. It is the holidays and money is tight. Dont let a dress ruin your friendship/relationship with this person. Dont sweat the small stuff.

 

[wilderness01]

I also can see both sides of the story. They feel "nagged" by you, and you feel they are being "lazy and cheap".

Nobody is wrong, nobody is right.

The way they see it is, "The wedding isn't UNTIL March, that's three months away."

The way you see it is, "The wedding is in March, that's ONLY three months away!"

You'll have to decide on a time when enough is enough and you can't wait any longer, and either pay for the dresses yourself, or "dismiss" them from their duties.

From the "other" side of view... when my DH was a groomsman, I remember the FRANTIC and FREQUENT, "Have you gotten sized for your tux yet!?!?" phone calls from the bride. My husband was busy. We didn't want the $150 payment until we absolutely HAD to (and yes, they charge you THEN and THERE, even for tux rental for a wedding months away, and for a tux you won't pick up for months...)

Just lay off until mid-January, and make a decision then.

It will be too late then. I had to order a dress last year. It did take a full 12 weeks to come in.

 

[epcotprincess]

I think if you agree to be in a wedding, you assume that a reasonable amount will be spent on a dress according to the bride's timeline, so to me, she's being unreasonable for thinking it can continue to wait.

However, it's the holidays. I would give her until after the holidays to get one more paycheck and then purchase the dress. A dress can be altered within a day if necessary, and most places will work with her.

My question is, if she can't afford the dress, how will she afford the dress AND the alterations? They can get quite expensive.

I think you should talk to her and say something like, "Friend, I really value you as a person and that's why I've asked you to stand with me when I get married. If I could afford to buy your dress, you know I would. Your support means the world to me. However, as time draws nearer, the dress is a concern to me and I am worried about it. I don't want to see you not be a part of the wedding. Do you think that we can sit down some time for coffee and talk about a timeline for ordering the dress?"

If she agrees and the timeline comes and goes, let her know that you're going to excuse her from her duties because her friendship means more to you than being in your wedding and you don't want her to be in financial strain over your wedding. Then tell her that you're so happy to have her as a guest and that perhaps she could do something special (give a speech, attend the guest book, do a reading, hand out programs, SOMETHING) that will make her a special part of the wedding without requiring her to buy a dress.

Good luck, I understand your dilemma all too well.

 

[NHdisneylover]

If I were you, I would just tell her you were only giving her an out if she wanted it but you would dearly love to have her be involved in your wedding--that is why you asked her in the first place. Then I would DROP IT. Let her deal with getting the dress and the alterations. She is an adult an can handle it. IF it worked out that the dress were not there on time or not perfect then I would want my friend in a less than perfect dress but still in the wedding. If she felt uncomfortable doing that I don't think it would be a big deal to drop one member from the party even on the last day. Just so long as you know at the rehearsal to figure out the best way to have everyone enter all is good.

You may well have very different feelings about the importance of the dress versus the friend though.

I really never understood all of the wedding drama. I chose people I truly cared about to be in my wedding. I wanted them there because they meant a lot to me. Then I tried to make it easy on them. I knew both ladies sewed so I asked if they would prefer to make their own dresses (it came out very inexpensively) or have me pick some store bought choices. Both said sewing would be good. I did buy the fabric ASAP to be sure we could have enough of all the same dye lot. After that i gave them the fabric and trusted them to pay me as soon as they could and to get the dresses done int time. I think one was finished the night before the wedding (after the rehearsal dinner0 but I wasn't the one staying up working on it so why would I care? I didn't even know until after the fact because I was not wasting my time nagging my friends about their dresses--again I trusted them. AND if something had happened and one could not have worn the dress we planned on (say something spilled on the fabric the day before or something) I would hope they would find the best substitute they could in the allloted time and still be a part of my wedding--again it was about the people not the dang clothing.

 

[Toad_Passenger]

3 weeks is plenty of time for alterations, especially if you don't use the shop's seamstress. Start asking around now for names of seamstresses who do alterations now. My daughter just got married last month. There were 7 girls in her wedding and not 1 of them got their dress altered at the shop. They all used an independent seamstress and their dresses looked awesome! They fit like gloves. An added bonus...they paid less than half what the store's seamstress would have charged. Luckily for us, DD's gown didn't need to be altered, but if it had, she would have used an independent seamstress too.

There's still enough time, I wouldn't worry so much about it and let her purchase it when she has the money. A dress can be altered in a day, it doesn't have to be done by the shop where the dress was purchased. If she's a good friend I would let it go, if she's not than I would release her from what is an expensive obligation for her and let her come as a guest.

BBM.

DW was pregnant during a friend's wedding and we called a local seamstress. She worked out of her house, and did a fantastic job getting the dress in order and it only took 2-3 days. The best part was that she charged us just a fraction of what the Bridal store wanted to charge us.

 

[ohiomom28]

do they have to pay in full when they are ordering? My DD was just in a wedding and we only put a deposit down until the dress came in.

I would actually step back and let her deal with the store. It can be between them and her as to how she will pay for it and when. Doesn't she have a credit card or her Mother or sister, etc that she could use until her bonus comes in?

Her bonus has already come and went

 

[ohiomom28]

Thanks to everyone for your suggestions and/or comments.
There is more to this story...

My relationship with this girl has not always been the best, in fact we had gone 6 months without speaking right before I got engaged. All because I couldn't go to her 4 year olds birthday party. We do not communicate unless I am the one initiating it. I feel its a one sided friendship.

I'm not making excuses to a bunch of people I don't know on the internet, I was asking if you thought what I had done was wrong? I want my wedding to be perfect,maybe I sound selfish, but it's my 1st and hopefully last wedding I will ever have. I want it to be absolutely perfect, If that means losing a one-sided friend, then so be it. I have been more than patient and I shouldn't have to deal with this extra stress. I gave her an out, I'm not forcing her to buy a dress, pay for alterations, get her hair done, or buy shoes. I simply asked her to be in my wedding. I completely understand if she couldn't afford it, I've been a single mom for the last 10 years. Some honesty on her part would have been nice though.

 

[LuvCuteBoys]

For everyone telling the OP to wait until mid-January, I have a question. Suppose she does that, and come mid-jan the dress STILL hasn't been ordered... how easy is it going to be to find someone to replace her, to order HER dress, and to get alterations?

Yes, the wedding is a lot important to the bride than to the bridesmaids. But if they accepted and the deal was to do X, Y, and Z by a specific date, then I think it's incredibly rude and irresponsible to NOT do that.

And this is coming from someone who hates weddings.

 

[dakcp2001]

Thanks to everyone for your suggestions and/or comments.
There is more to this story...

My relationship with this girl has not always been the best, in fact we had gone 6 months without speaking right before I got engaged. All because I couldn't go to her 4 year olds birthday party. We do not communicate unless I am the one initiating it. I feel its a one sided friendship.

I'm not making excuses to a bunch of people I don't know on the internet, I was asking if you thought what I had done was wrong? I want my wedding to be perfect,maybe I sound selfish, but it's my 1st and hopefully last wedding I will ever have. I want it to be absolutely perfect, If that means losing a one-sided friend, then so be it. I have been more than patient and I shouldn't have to deal with this extra stress. I gave her an out, I'm not forcing her to buy a dress, pay for alterations, get her hair done, or buy shoes. I simply asked her to be in my wedding. I completely understand if she couldn't afford it, I've been a single mom for the last 10 years. Some honesty on her part would have been nice though.

Sounds like you dont want her in your wedding anyway. You should have just said that to begine with. Either way you are going to have hard feelings.

 

[Hannathy]

I'm not making excuses to a bunch of people I don't know on the internet, I was asking if you thought what I had done was wrong? I want my wedding to be perfect,maybe I sound selfish, but it's my 1st and hopefully last wedding I will ever have. I want it to be absolutely perfect, If that means losing a one-sided friend, then so be it.

I would like to tell you now that for your sake and the sake of your husband to be, Mother, friends, child, everyone involved, your wedding will NOT be perfect!
If you go in expecting perfection you are going to be a wreck, disappointed and unbearable to live with.

It can be near perfect, wonderful, memorable but it will not be perfect.

 

[justhat]

I would like to tell you now that for your sake and the sake of your husband to be, Mother, friends, child, everyone involved, your wedding will NOT be perfect!
If you go in expecting perfection you are going to be a wreck, disappointed and unbearable to live with.

It can be near perfect, wonderful, memorable but it will not be perfect.

So, so true! I could list all the things that went wrong on my wedding day, but in the end, none of them mattered. The marriage is the important part, and sharing the day with those you love.

OP, if you want the friend in the wedding, then you've got to wait it out. If perfection is more important than having her be a bridesmaid, then just tell her she's out.

 

[bethy]

Ok, putting my flame suit on.

After being a bridesmaid one time too many, I have learned to politely decline immediately when asked. The wedding is the biggest thing in YOUR life right now, that is not the case for your bridal party, your friends, your neighbors and your cubemates. If money is tight, it can be expensive and she may have other priorities. You yourself have said you cant afford the dress for her right now, so you should be able to understand the money issue that she is having. If you really want her in your wedding you will work it out. It might be embarrasing for her to have to tell you this, that is prob why she didnt fess up. It is the holidays and money is tight. Dont let a dress ruin your friendship/relationship with this person. Dont sweat the small stuff.

My thoughts exactly, except that I don't think a flame suit is necessary.

And honestly, if she is a dear friend and you have asked her to be in your wedding then that is what is important. The dress is secondary. She's not a prop in a show, after all. So what if worst case scenario neither you nor she could easily afford to pay for her dress - does that mean that you wouldn't want her in the wedding, then? As long as she wears something tasteful and blends decently why does it matter exactly what she wears????

Edited: I just read the rest of the thread. Why on earth did you ask her to be a bridesmaid in the first place if you feel that way about her?

 

[PaulaSB12]

For everyone telling the OP to wait until mid-January, I have a question. Suppose she does that, and come mid-jan the dress STILL hasn't been ordered... how easy is it going to be to find someone to replace her, to order HER dress, and to get alterations?

Yes, the wedding is a lot important to the bride than to the bridesmaids. But if they accepted and the deal was to do X, Y, and Z by a specific date, then I think it's incredibly rude and irresponsible to NOT do that.

And this is coming from someone who hates weddings.

From someone who avoids being a bridemaid at all (only did it for my sister and I made my dress) why put the cost of being a bridesmaid on the bridemaid? It is part of the wedding and really should be budgeted for in the costs to me it seems a tad selfish to want people to be a bridesmaid and to pay for it as well.

 

[tinkerbellandeyor]

my dad said he was paying for bridesmaids dress so i just assumed it is the same with all weddings however my bridesmaids i have known seems birth