Was I wrong? Kinda long...

[NHdisneylover]

Thanks to everyone for your suggestions and/or comments.
There is more to this story...

My relationship with this girl has not always been the best, in fact we had gone 6 months without speaking right before I got engaged. All because I couldn't go to her 4 year olds birthday party. We do not communicate unless I am the one initiating it. I feel its a one sided friendship.

I'm not making excuses to a bunch of people I don't know on the internet, I was asking if you thought what I had done was wrong? I want my wedding to be perfect,maybe I sound selfish, but it's my 1st and hopefully last wedding I will ever have. I want it to be absolutely perfect, If that means losing a one-sided friend, then so be it. I have been more than patient and I shouldn't have to deal with this extra stress. I gave her an out, I'm not forcing her to buy a dress, pay for alterations, get her hair done, or buy shoes. I simply asked her to be in my wedding. I completely understand if she couldn't afford it, I've been a single mom for the last 10 years. Some honesty on her part would have been nice though.

Reading this, where you went wrong was in asking her to be in your wedding in the first place. Why would you ask someone who you have a very one sided friendship and who has not spoken to you in 6 months (out of anger--not because you live far apart and have busy lives but pick up again where you left off any time you can be together, etc)? I REALLY do not understand the rationale in involving her at all.

For everyone telling the OP to wait until mid-January, I have a question. Suppose she does that, and come mid-jan the dress STILL hasn't been ordered... how easy is it going to be to find someone to replace her, to order HER dress, and to get alterations?

Yes, the wedding is a lot important to the bride than to the bridesmaids. But if they accepted and the deal was to do X, Y, and Z by a specific date, then I think it's incredibly rude and irresponsible to NOT do that.

And this is coming from someone who hates weddings.

Umm--why does she have to be replaced?
I had a bride's maid drop out 4 days before the wedding and while my feelings were hurt over the friendship issues involved, it did not really effect the actual wedding at all. It was still a group of my closest friends and family and I was still marrying the man of my dreams (looong story, she had been one of my best friends for years and then just suddenly decided she wanted to go meet some guy she met online instead of being in the wedding--she already had the dress made and everything. I have no idea what exactly was going through her mind and in spite of my trying to remain friends and letting her know I did not hate her or anything I have never spoken to her in person since or heard directly from her--I saw her parents a few times after that and they were concerned about her abrupt change in personality).

I would like to tell you now that for your sake and the sake of your husband to be, Mother, friends, child, everyone involved, your wedding will NOT be perfect!
If you go in expecting perfection you are going to be a wreck, disappointed and unbearable to live with.

It can be near perfect, wonderful, memorable but it will not be perfect.

Based on what I have seen among friends and family, those who want only perfection end up miserable on their wedding days with all kinds of dissapointments. Those who want a nice time but are primarily focused on how wonderful the marriage will be and how great it is to share that with everyone enjoy their days regardless of what happens (and something will always happen!). I had ONE wedding too. I've been married nearly 15 years now and see no other wedding at any time in the future Maybe partly because I focused on finding the right guy more than on having the perfect party.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Sorry OP, with your latest post you really blew it with asking her to be in your wedding in the first place.

Honestly, I would just sit with her and cut her loose for good. It sounds like it is overdue.

 

[ohiomom28]

I came here for advice not to be told how horrible I am for asking her if she needed to back out.

Thanks anyway, I will be keeping my mouth shut from now on

 

[okeydokey]

I came here for advice not to be told how horrible I am for asking her if she needed to back out.

Thanks anyway, I will be keeping my mouth shut from now on

My advise would be to buy the dress for her and let her pay you back, or explain to her that she should not be in the wedding party. You decide.

 

[Toad_Passenger]

Was I wrong to not give her more time?
The wedding is March 26th. I did find out after the 1st order that the dresses actually take 6 weeks instead of 12.

I came here for advice not to be told how horrible I am for asking her if she needed to back out.

Thanks anyway, I will be keeping my mouth shut from now on

I really don't think anyone was saying you are a horrible person. However, I did bold the part from the OP because you specifically asked if people thought you were wrong.

Apparently some people thought that was the case. Don't ask the question, if you will only accept a certain answer.

 

[NHdisneylover]

I came here for advice not to be told how horrible I am for asking her if she needed to back out.

Thanks anyway, I will be keeping my mouth shut from now on

Didn't everyone give you advice? Some advised you to give her more time. Some advised you to pay for the dress yourself and let her pay you back as she can. Some advised you to cut her out and be done with it. Some advised you to let go of the dream of a perfect wedding so you can truly enjoy the day you do have. ALL advice and pretty much all intended to help you come to some sort of resolution that will be best for you and your friend (or not--judging from last night's post).

No one said you were a horrible person. Nor do I get the impression anyone thinks that.

 

[LuvCuteBoys]

From someone who avoids being a bridemaid at all (only did it for my sister and I made my dress) why put the cost of being a bridesmaid on the bridemaid? It is part of the wedding and really should be budgeted for in the costs to me it seems a tad selfish to want people to be a bridesmaid and to pay for it as well.

I've always paid for my own dress.

Umm--why does she have to be replaced?

So one of the groomsmen doesn't have to walk down the aisle alone? Or cut out entirely?

 

[dakcp2001]

If you only wanted people to agree with you and tell you what you wanted to hear, an online message board isn't the place for that. People close to you wont tell you if you are acting bridezilla to your face, but well they will say it when your not around. I am just being honest.

Being a bridesmaid is a huge pain it the you know what. You pay all sorts of money for an ugly dress and then you have to plan showers and bachelorette parties and no matter what you do and how much it costs you, some brides are never happy with all the time and money you put in. And you get forced to deal with the brides mother and other friends that you may not know as well, and well when you get that many people together, there are a lot of opinions to consider and it creates a lot of unecessary drama. People will only go through that kind of hassle for someone they truly love.

If you want her to have the dress, buy her the dress.

 

[msjprincess]

So one of the groomsmen doesn't have to walk down the aisle alone? Or cut out entirely?

I've been to wedding where there are more groomsmen than bridesmaids. Two groomsmen walked with one bridesmaid.

 

[Christine]

If you only wanted people to agree with you and tell you what you wanted to hear, an online message board isn't the place for that. People close to you wont tell you if you are acting bridezilla to your face, but well they will say it when your not around. I am just being honest.

Being a bridesmaid is a huge pain it the you know what. You pay all sorts of money for an ugly dress and then you have to plan showers and bachelorette parties and no matter what you do and how much it costs you, some brides are never happy with all the time and money you put in. And you get forced to deal with the brides mother and other friends that you may not know as well, and well when you get that many people together, there are a lot of opinions to consider and it creates a lot of unecessary drama. People will only go through that kind of hassle for someone they truly love.

If you want her to have the dress, buy her the dress.

And that's the exact reason that you choose bridesmaids based on the fact that they adore you!

You should not be picking bridesmaids that you are "one sided" with or going to your B-list of friends because you need to keep you number of attendants even. Being an attendant requires time and money and, to be safe, only your true friends should be asked to do this because they will do what's right.

 

[LuvCuteBoys]

If this was any other situation, people would be saying that when you make a commitment, it's your responsibility to honor that commitment. I'm surprised that more people aren't saying that. Not that anybody's wrong, but I'm just surprised.

If the friend didn't want to do it, wasn't going to have the money, etc then she should have said no. Since she didn't, she should go buy the dress and do what she promised to do.

Of course the wedding is more important to the bride than to the bridesmaids. But once you make that commitment, it should be your priority to honor it.

Looks like that's not gonna happen, so I suggest telling the friend that she will not be in the wedding, find someone else, and look forward to your great day!

 

[LuvCuteBoys]

I've been to wedding where there are more groomsmen than bridesmaids. Two groomsmen walked with one bridesmaid.

That hurts my OCD

 

[PrincessKsMom]

I guess I tend to take a hardline on these things. The bride has enough stress and stuff going on. Tell her she can't be in the wedding. Two months is more than enough time. If she didn't order when she got the bonus, she probably won't. And if the dresses aren't ordered at the same time there is a possibility that they won't match because the material is being cut from different bolts of fabric. I honestly don't understand why people cut bridal parties so much slack. You were asked -- you either say yes or no. If you can't afford it SAY NO. Why should the bride have to pay and probably not get reimbursed? Just find someone else or cut the bridal party by one.

 

[PaulaSB12]

I guess I tend to take a hardline on these things. The bride has enough stress and stuff going on. Tell her she can't be in the wedding. Two months is more than enough time. If she didn't order when she got the bonus, she probably won't. And if the dresses aren't ordered at the same time there is a possibility that they won't match because the material is being cut from different bolts of fabric. I honestly don't understand why people cut bridal parties so much slack. You were asked -- you either say yes or no. If you can't afford it SAY NO. Why should the bride have to pay and probably not get reimbursed? Just find someone else or cut the bridal party by one.

Because its her wedding and she wants to have bridesmaids. That should be part of the budget instead of expecting friends to spend a lot of money on her day.

 

[LuvCuteBoys]

Because its her wedding and she wants to have bridesmaids. That should be part of the budget instead of expecting friends to spend a lot of money on her day.

Like I said, I have NEVER had the bride pay for my bridesmaid's dress. Is this a new practice?

 

[cluvsdisney]

Because its her wedding and she wants to have bridesmaids. That should be part of the budget instead of expecting friends to spend a lot of money on her day.

It is nice if buying clothes for everyone involved in the wedding is part of the wedding budget but it is not required. While it is an honor to be part of a bridal party, it comes with financial obligations such as buying your dress and renting a tux if asked.

 

[PaulaSB12]

Like I said, I have NEVER had the bride pay for my bridesmaid's dress. Is this a new practice?

Don't know as soon as someone mentions the words bridesmaid I run . Seriously yes the bride should pay why expect someone else to pay for an expensive dress that will not be wearable, to give the bride that wonderful bride shower? If you want all that jazz then it should come as part of the cost of the wedding. My sister wedding she brought the fabric, the pattern and we made the dress (which was cut up afterwards to make a little girl a dress because I hate cornflower blue)

 

[Christine]

From "The Knot" on Bridal Etiquette:

Q. Do my attendants have to pay for their own bridesmaids dresses?

A. Bridesmaids are generally expected to pay for their own wedding-day ensemble (shoes and jewelry included). Talk to your bridesmaids individually about any financial concerns, and tactfully work out a solution that suits both of you -- maybe you will pay for half or all of the cost, or you can set up a payment plan. Above all, try to choose a dress that's reasonably priced, or consider letting your maids choose their own gown. Give some color/style requirements (i.e., black and ankle length), and ask them to show you the dress for final approval (just in case it's a little too risque for grandma's taste).

and

Q. One of my bridesmaids has dropped out of our wedding party. Is it okay to have two groomsmen walk with one maid?

A. Having two groomsmen escort a bridesmaid, one on each arm, is completely acceptable.

 

[PrincessKsMom]

Because its her wedding and she wants to have bridesmaids. That should be part of the budget instead of expecting friends to spend a lot of money on her day.

Maybe this is a UK thing, but I've never heard of the bride paying for the bridal parties attire. That is part of the obligation of being in a bridal party -- attire, gifts, throwing a shower (unless the family pays). And people know that when they agree to be in a bridal party, that's why I don't cut much slack to those who shirk their responsibilities.

 

[bethy]

It is traditional that the bridal party provide their own attire just as they would if they were attending the wedding merely as guests. But that tradition was established long ago, before there were expectations of having to also pay for large catered bridal showers and bachelorette parties in Vegas.

I am fascinated by the suggestions that the OP "replace" this bridemaid with someone else? Who in their right mind would want to step in when they clearly didn't make the first cut.

I've been in 8 weddings - maid of honor for two of those - and would only do so again for the dearest of friends and for a bride whose every other phrase weren't "my day." (I'm not referring to the OP at ALL - just brides I've encountered in my real life.)