was I inconsiderate??

[mhsjax]

Yep, all of the above, especially the bolded. This was not a "once in a blue moon" opportunity that would justify changing existing plans at the last minute. It was a "something better came up" excuse.

The home school group is not a once in a blue moon meeting either. And yep family does come first.

 

[tlbwriter]

Edited - my bad! Responding to someone else as if she were the OP. Sorry! Nothing to see here, move along.

 

[mhsjax]

That's your opinion and you're entitled to it. But you asked if you were inconsiderate, and the bottom line is that some people said YES. If you didn't care about anyone else's opinion, why did you ask? Obviously you aren't really wondering if it was inconsiderate to cancel existing plans, since you've stated more than once that family trumps all. So what was the purpose of this post? Were you just looking for a cheering section to say you did the right thing?

Um, hello, it wasn't me that asked. I was responding. I don't even homeschool. Been there done that, It takes a much better person than me to do that.

 

[SaraJayne]

That's your opinion and you're entitled to it. But you asked if you were inconsiderate, and the bottom line is that some people said YES. If you didn't care about anyone else's opinion, why did you ask? Obviously you aren't really wondering if it was inconsiderate to cancel existing plans, since you've stated more than once that family trumps all. So what was the purpose of this post? Were you just looking for a cheering section to say you did the right thing?

She isn't the OP.

IMO, you can't compare friends to family.

 

[npmommie]

Edited - my bad! Responding to someone else as if she were the OP. Sorry! Nothing to see here, move along.

LOL, I saw your post, It was me that asked, not mhsjax

I did ask, and the reason I wanted opinions was because I was about to respond to her email which called me rude inconsiderate wrong and not fair.

when I emailed her back yesterday, I did say I was sorry she thought I was inconsiderate, it was not my intention to be inconsiderate, and how I wouldn't expect her to ditch her husband in the same circumstance, I did say I would tell her to go and have fun if the situation was reversed.

I did not think given the circumstances that I was inconsiderate, and I was just wondering before I sent off my email if others would say the same or say yes omg you were the most inconsiderate person!!!!
its always nice to get opinions

and no I didn't want a cheering section, just kind of a what do you think kind of thing?
honestly if the same thing came up again, I would do the same thing.
only I would try to call the night before

 

[mhsjax]

Edited - my bad! Responding to someone else as if she were the OP. Sorry! Nothing to see here, move along.

Hey, it happens. I wrote a very long (for me) 3 paragraph response the other day. I had to go back really quick and erase it.

 

[Carly_Roach]

Yes- you were. I would think twice about asking you to any get togethers in the future.
I always tell my daughter that once she makes plans with a friend she can't change it just because something better comes along-its rude.

Exactly. I felt the OP was inconsiderate as well. People can tell me all day all the reasons for why cancelling on the morning of the event is OK, but in my opinion unless there was an actual emergency there's no reason to cancel a previous engagement 4 hours before the event is to begin.

The more details I hear about this, the more I'm swinging toward inconsiderate (I previously posted "somewhat inconsiderate.") My reasons are:

1) I originally thought that the husband had been unavailable to the family for a while (extended business trip, working 80 hour weeks, etc) and this was a last-minute opportunity to seize some family time, so she took it. But her DH had been available to the family but the family had prioritized a household project above spending time together as a family. (My DH is working on finishing our basement and is spending nearly all of his free time down there. I know how it is, but... )

2) The OP knew that her DH would be available on Monday night, but didn't immediately decide to take the opportunity to spend time together. It was only when they saw the beautiful weather that she decided to cancel her previous plans. If they were that starved for family time, I think they would have done something together regardless of the weather. This is definitely sounding more in the "better offer" category, rather than an "unexpected opportunity that I just couldn't pass up."

3) In my opinion, canceling the morning of an event is "short notice" and should be avoided. Sometimes it's unavoidable (emergencies, etc), but in this case I think it was avoidable and was inconsiderate to the host who was planning on your attendance.

I don't think it's worth ruining a friendship over, and I wouldn't be "furious." I am glad that the OP's friend has calmed down. But since the OP asked if we thought she was inconsiderate, and I think she was. I am not sure that I wouldn't have done the same thing, but I would recognize that I was inconsiderate to my friend and wouldn't be surprised if she was upset.

I get frustrated by people who say things like "my family comes first" or "my marriage is my priority" as a way to justify their rude behavior. My family/marriage is very high on my priority list, too, but to me that would mean either declining the plans with the homeschool group in the first place (or at least calling *as soon as* I knew I had an opportunity to spend time with my husband, regardless of weather), adjusting the schedule of the home project to allow for "family time", or working together on the project so you still have "family time."

I know. It grates on my nerves, too. Using "My children come first" or "My husband comes first" to justify rude behavior is just another way of saying, "Me first" (which has always been and always will be a selfish and unattractive personal attribute).

Honoring your commitments is one of the biggest measures of integrity, which is why that value was drummed into our heads as children and why it's prized so highly in our society. It seems lately that people feel if they can come up with a very good reasons for not honoring their commitments, they can still keep an appearance of integrity. Sorry, but using "My husband comes first" or "My family comes first" as some kind of socially acceptable reason to not honor your commitments speaks volumes toward a person's integrity.

IMO, if an aquaintance had ditched me four hours before an event in favor of an activity she thought she'd enjoy more, I probably wouldn't trust that acquaintance to keep her word ever again. Her integrity would be shot and it'd take a long time for her to build it back up in my eyes again. If she compounded the injury with insult by constantly telling me how unreasonable I was being over not accepting her excuse for her lack of consideration, it's unlikely my opinion of her lack of integrity would ever change.

Would I get together with her in a group again? Probaby. But in cases like making firm plans for special dinners or plans that cost money (like group gifts), I'd make sure I got the reservation or gift money from her first before investing my money and time in the dinner or gift. I wouldn't trust her to pay me back because she's already demonstrated that she won't follow through if something better comes along.

 

[Plannin'Shannon]

meh. I don't see the big deal. Maybe that makes me a bad friend, but whatever. the crap people get upset about is intriguing to me. most of us that are moms don't have time to get upset or even expend energy on it. What little i have left this evening is keeping me sitting up straight, lol.

You called. Spouse trumps mac n cheese. Finis. If she wants to waste energy on it, that's her deal.

Ymmv.

+1

 

[Arielle22]

Exactly. I felt the OP was inconsiderate as well. People can tell me all day all the reasons for why cancelling on the morning of the event is OK, but in my opinion unless there was an actual emergency there's no reason to cancel a previous engagement 4 hours before the event is to begin.

I know. It grates on my nerves, too. Using "My children come first" or "My husband comes first" to justify rude behavior is just another way of saying, "Me first" (which has always been and always will be a selfish and unattractive personal attribute).

Honoring your commitments is one of the biggest measures of integrity, which is why that value was drummed into our heads as children and why it's prized so highly in our society. It seems lately that people feel if they can come up with a very good reasons for not honoring their commitments, they can still keep an appearance of integrity. Sorry, but using "My husband comes first" or "My family comes first" as some kind of socially acceptable reason to not honor your commitments speaks volumes toward a person's integrity.

IMO, if an aquaintance had ditched me four hours before an event in favor of an activity she thought she'd enjoy more, I probably wouldn't trust that acquaintance to keep her word ever again. Her integrity would be shot and it'd take a long time for her to build it back up in my eyes again. If she compounded the injury with insult by constantly telling me how unreasonable I was being over not accepting her excuse for her lack of consideration, it's unlikely my opinion of her lack of integrity would ever change.

Would I get together with her in a group again? Probaby. But in cases like making firm plans for special dinners or plans that cost money (like group gifts), I'd make sure I got the reservation or gift money from her first before investing my money and time in the dinner or gift. I wouldn't trust her to pay me back because she's already demonstrated that she won't follow through if something better comes along.

I also agree it was rude. Having a spouse or children do not automatically make it ok to be rude to someone else. If your family time is more important than anything else, then you would have made plans regardless of the weather to spend the time together.

I also taught my daughters that you cannot change plans because something you like better can up.

I do not think of this as a friendship breaking event but something that may slightly alter the way your friend thinks of you.

 

[Mama-san]

I personally don't see why this was a BFD. This is a weekly meet with the same group of people, whom I would assume are somewhat familiar with what's going on in each others family life, and therefore would be understanding of this particular situation. If the OP regularly blew off the meetings, that would be inconsiderate.

 

[sparklynails23]

Was it just supposed to be fun time for the kids, or was it a cooperative learning experience where all the parents were to teach something?

 

[mumto3girls]

Although I believe in the policy of not ditching previous commitments because a better one came along, I do think this situation is a bit different. In this case it is a weekly get together of homeschooling moms and their kids--probably they all trade off whose house they all meet at and it was just the annoyed woman's turn to host. That makes it different to me than an occasional, purely social event that you rsvp'd to. I also think it would have been different if there hadn't been other people coming. The gathering still occurred, there were just a few less people there. Had annoyed lady and her kids then just been sitting home all alone with a heap of mac and cheese, I would think that was different.

It sounds like the woman had gotten over it already so maybe you were the one she most enjoys in the group and she was just disappointed? I know I would never hold this against a friend and would expect my friends to cut me a little slack for wanting to enjoy a rare, beautiful day of family time.

I was in a playgroup when my oldest was little and there was always someone canceling because a kid was sick so I think you always have to be a bit flexible when children are involved.