Warning - Vent ... Shower / Wedding Registries

[DMRick]

You have got to be kidding. Are these your friends and relatives? That's horrible. Why would people say these things, and why would people tell you they heard these things? I've been to a simple wedding with all homemade dresses, and punch and cake, and I've been to very fancy weddings where the plate charge for one of us was more than my car payment. They have all been beautiful. You need new friends and relatives. I"m just appalled that someone woudl behave like that.

Some didn't like my dress. I heard that someone called it cheap looking and someone said it looked homemade (bingo! I made it myself). Some people didn't like the food, I heard. We made it. Sorry. My sisters and I thought the appetizers were quite elegant at the time, but looking back, they were straight out of the betty crocker cookbook.

There were people who got invited that people said shouldn't have been and people who weren't invited that people thought should have been.

Half the people didn't like the priest.

But we had lots of food (even if it sucked),

 

[C.Ann]

No one on this list is saying what they think people should give..they are saying what they base what they give on. They too, like your daughter are choosing what to give. I give what I give, because I choose to give it..and I told on this thread why I choose to give what I give. I also love registry's. They have made gift giving much easier..and I've never seen one that didn't have something I could afford and want to give.

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LOL - I didn't say anyone on "this list".. I said "what some people might think" - as in other guests, other relatives, etc.. DD and her DH make their choices based on a number of things - as do many people - myself included..

 

[Miss Inga Depointe]

You have got to be kidding. Are these your friends and relatives? That's horrible. Why would people say these things, and why would people tell you they heard these things? I've been to a simple wedding with all homemade dresses, and punch and cake, and I've been to very fancy weddings where the plate charge for one of us was more than my car payment. They have all been beautiful. You need new friends and relatives. I"m just appalled that someone woudl behave like that.

LOL OK, you win. Friends and relatives never say things behind your back and people who tell you they had a great time are always telling the truth. I guess I'm just being a little *cough* negative about this.

I'm not a wedding hater. I don't give people gifts not on the registry out of spite or anything. I play along. I am just expressing my opinions about the state of the wedding in modern society, how I believe it has become somewhat of a monster, and stating the plain truth that not everyone out here in non-Brideland is loving the registeries, the destination weddings, and the marathon weddings. Shoot the messanger if it makes you feel better!

 

[kayeandjim00]

I like registries personally. I'd much rather give the couple something that they really want and could use than just stop somewhere and pick up a few things that seemed nice and give that. As for the price of the items maybe they picked the things they really wanted. No one HAS to give them those things but it's a wish list so why not put what you really want? We really had nothing out of this world pricey on ours. We were just starting out and truly needed pretty much everything. So we asked for all the basics. We got a lot of things that we didn't need or weren't practical but we loved it all because it was a gift from people who meant something to us. I say pick something you can afford off of the list or give a gift certificate/card to the store they are registered with. Then they can combine it and get some of the things they don't receive.

 

[Miss Inga Depointe]

I like registries personally. I'd much rather give the couple something that they really want and could use than just stop somewhere and pick up a few things that seemed nice and give that. As for the price of the items maybe they picked the things they really wanted. No one HAS to give them those things but it's a wish list so why not put what you really want? We really had nothing out of this world pricey on ours. We were just starting out and truly needed pretty much everything. So we asked for all the basics. We got a lot of things that we didn't need or weren't practical but we loved it all because it was a gift from people who meant something to us. I say pick something you can afford off of the list or give a gift certificate/card to the store they are registered with. Then they can combine it and get some of the things they don't receive.

I use registries all the time and you have the right attitude about them.

 

[Michie]

We receive about 20-50 wedding invites a year. From people I know/met though my business, the DH's work, and some people I am not even sure

If we dont go, are we still supposed to buy them soemthing I think I ask this question about ever 6 months

I have noticed that a lot of the gift registries that I have loooked at, the gifts start at around 200 bucks!

 

[C.Ann]

We receive about 20-50 wedding invites a year. From people I know/met though my business, the DH's work, and some people I am not even sure

If we dont go, are we still supposed to buy them soemthing I think I ask this question about ever 6 months

I have noticed that a lot of the gift registries that I have loooked at, the gifts start at around 200 bucks!

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It's not a matter of if you "should" - it's a matter of "if you want to".. When we mailed out the wedding invitations for my DD's wedding, by no means were we using them as a "solicitation" for wedding gifts - regardless of who the invitations went to - family and friends alike..

It also sounds as though many of the invitations you receive are from people you barely know.. I would just politely decline and leave it at that..

 

[lclark0621]

DD and her DH attended a wedding in NYC about a year and a half ago.. The hotel room they stayed in was $245 per night - parking was $45 per day - and the per plate cost was $250.. (The plate charge for their then 6yr.old DD who was asked to be a flower girl at the last minute was $125..)

Just in plate charges alone, that's $625 for food.. The wedding and reception was paid for buy the wealthy grandmother of the bride.. DD & DH had to attend because it was a family member..

Should they have given $625 as a wedding gift? I think not..

This wedding cost thousands of dollars .. Their choice - which is fine - but I don't think they should expect the guests to subsidize their elaborate choices..

You (and others) seem so compltetly digusted that people actually give a gift equaling their price per plate at a wedding.

And I dont get that.

Maybe it is a regional thing. I grew up in NY & went to many weddings there. Every one, was at a hotel or country club, Tavern on the Green, etc. Everyone, we gave about what it cost for our plate. It is just a common practice.

My DH grew up in the south. One of his Mother's friends was highly offended we dared to include the registry card in their shower invite. However, that is just how it is done. The places you register for give you those little cards saying the bride & groom are registered there. You include them in shower & engagement party invites.

Most of DH's family (as well as all of my guests) appricated them (as I always do).

Had we not included them, we would have been bombarded with calls asking where we registered.

I went to one "Church wedding" (ceremony in the church, reception in the church rec room). It was a totally different element. I had never been to that type of wedding.

To people who are used to giving the "per plate cost", the idea of giving less, seems extremely odd to us.

So instead of being so disgusted with us, how about turning the tables?

I could just not imagine giving $20 for a wedding! That seems pretty cheap to me.

 

[DMRick]

It's not a contest. I think it's hurtful, and unkind.
Well if they did, they wouldn't continue to be my friends. And no, I don't know of relatives that say the things yours do...I can't figure out why someone would share those things with you. knowing it would hurt. I can't figure out why someone would say they had a good time fi they didn't. If I didn't have a good time, I wouldn't make a point of saying I did.

LOL OK, you win. Friends and relatives never say things behind your back and people who tell you they had a great time are always telling the truth. I guess I'm just being a little *cough* negative about this.

 

[kayeandjim00]

It's not a contest. I think it's hurtful, and unkind.
Well if they did, they wouldn't continue to be my friends. And no, I don't know of relatives that say the things yours do...I can't figure out why someone would share those things with you. knowing it would hurt. I can't figure out why someone would say they had a good time fi they didn't. If I didn't have a good time, I wouldn't make a point of saying I did.

This seems to have gotten way OT since the original post question but I'll comment to this. Maybe her family shouldn't have repeated what they said but if you honestly think no one ever says that they have had a good time just to be polite when they really didn't you are mistaken. Families are different - some are just really blunt and tell you what they think some families are all about niceties and never tell what they are really thinking. Neither are "bad" just different.

 

[DMRick]

I was actually talking more about the things they said about her dress, her food, who shouldn't have been invited etc. The not having a good time..I was talking about the people who told her others said that...and really if they had a bad time, why would they say it, and why would someone then tell her they said it? These are her friends? This was her wedding day..I can't see why anyone would do that, except to be mean. Yup, I think those things are bad. She sounded to me, as if those things hurt.
I think there is something in between someone being blunt and someone only saying nice things. Some of these people should just have kept their mouths shut IMO. And I'm still glad my friends and family wouldn't say hurtful things..or at least if they did, no one would think that needed to be passed on to me.

This seems to have gotten way OT since the original post question but I'll comment to this. Maybe her family shouldn't have repeated what they said but if you honestly think no one ever says that they have had a good time just to be polite when they really didn't you are mistaken. Families are different - some are just really blunt and tell you what they think some families are all about niceties and never tell what they are really thinking. Neither are "bad" just different.

 

[disneynutt1225]

I just don't think you should expect that everyone at your wedding will fulfill your gift wishes. You just may get something you don't like or something that *gasp* didn't cost $200. If that happens, I just hope (for the sake of the giver) that you will find it within yourself to appear grateful--even if you aren't.

I never said I wouldn't be grateful - of course I would say thank you for the gift whether or not I like what's purchased for me (again, I really don't understand where people are making this assumption from). Whether I turn around and promptly return said gift, well, I'm going to have to cross that bridge when I get to it. Who's to say I won't like something, whether or not I initially wanted it.

I've also said that I don't EXPECT to get something that costs X amount of dollars or even get X amount of dollars. I will be grateful for anything I get and use it accordingly. I don't EXPECT to get anything, monetary or otherwise. As I've said time and time again, there are guidelines up here that ARE the norm, so that's all I have to go by. Whether or not I actually get it is really anyone's guess.

All I care about is that I, and everyone that attends my wedding (whether I know them or not) has a great time. That's the bottom line - sharing my special day with everyone. I don't think those expectations are ridiculous. End of story.

 

[ChrisnSteph]

Back to the original topic - who flippin cares what's on the registry? Either buy something off it or don't. Simple as that. If a $100 set of china is too much, then buy a $50 gift card. I wouldn't boycott a wedding simply because I didn't agree with what things the couple registered for - that's just petty. Reality is, as long as there are weddings there will be gift registries. As for why some things are so expensive, there's a reason that most gift registries are located in the fine china department.

 

[sajetto]

Back to the original topic - who flippin cares what's on the registry? Either buy something off it or don't. Simple as that. If a $100 set of china is too much, then buy a $50 gift card. I wouldn't boycott a wedding simply because I didn't agree with what things the couple registered for - that's just petty. Reality is, as long as there are weddings there will be gift registries. As for why some things are so expensive, there's a reason that most gift registries are located in the fine china department.

Amen! If its too rich for your blood don't buy. I've seen plenty of registries where I thought my eyes were going to pop out of my head! I just bought something they didn't ask for b/c they didn't bother putting something on the registry that was affordable. Maybe they regifted my gift but I don't care. I could afford what I bought and if they aren't enjoying it maybe someone else at least is.

 

[RUDisney]

This entire thread has me thinking of my ex-SIL. There was not one thing under $100 on her registry. Why? Because she was marrying into a wealthy family and figured that they could afford to give her everything that she wanted. She just stopped thinking about how non-family members were invited to her shower and wedding, too.... those who weren't rich. Also, she forgot that although my BIL has wealthy relatives, he's on the poor side of the family.

So, she invites everyone to her shower and then decides that she doesn't want to have as many bridesmaids in the wedding as she had originally planned. So, AFTER these girls bought their dresses and accessories, she tells them that they won't be in her wedding. THEN, she gets to about 2 weeks before the wedding and sends UNinvitations to a number of the guests. She's decided to not have the huge Saturday (all day) wedding and will have a small church ceremony on Friday night, immediately followed by dinner at a restaurant. All of the siblings on our side weren't invited to the rehearsal either... only those who were in the wedding. (Some of the ex-bridesmaids were my SIL's, so she didn't want them to "ruin" her rehearsal either.)

I still don't understand why my BIL didn't see things for what they were before the wedding, but he didn't. About 6 months into their marriage, she had spent all of the money they got for their wedding, all he had saved for their first house and she put them $20,000 into debt. When he suggested to her that she should get a job to help support the lifestyle they were living, she decided that she was too ill to live out of state with him and she moved back to her parents' house. She finally figured out that although his relatives had money, her new husband didn't and he wasn't about to sell out and ask them for money.

That was 12-years ago. He has a wonderful, very thoughtful and giving wife now. His ex still lives at home with her mother and father... her single brother and her divorced sister. Only one brother has escaped the family household. The average age of the "at home" siblings is 40. I don't know what will happen to them when their parents are gone and they have no one to support them anymore, especially since the girls don't work.

 

[C.Ann]

You (and others) seem so compltetly digusted that people actually give a gift equaling their price per plate at a wedding..

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I'm not "disgusted" with people who choose to give a gift equaling the price per plate at a wedding - that's up to the "givers" to decide..

I just have a problem with the notation that a bride and groom would "expect" their guests to subsidize their choices when they choose to have an elaborate and extremely expensive wedding..

The people who were invited to my DD's wedding were invited because their physical presence was wanted - not because my DD and her DH were looking for "x" amount of dollars per person.. Some gave a lot - some gave a little - and some gave nothing at all.. And you know what? They were all treated equally and received a personal "thank you" for attending.. To behave in any other manner is what I "don't get"...

 

[lclark0621]

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I'm not "disgusted" with people who choose to give a gift equaling the price per plate at a wedding - that's up to the "givers" to decide..

I just have a problem with the notation that a bride and groom would "expect" their guests to subsidize their choices when they choose to have an elaborate and extremely expensive wedding..

The people who were invited to my DD's wedding were invited because their physical presence was wanted - not because my DD and her DH were looking for "x" amount of dollars per person.. Some gave a lot - some gave a little - and some gave nothing at all.. And you know what? They were all treated equally and received a personal "thank you" for attending.. To behave in any other manner is what I "don't get"...

As I said earlier, I got married young. Most of my & DH's friends had little to nothing. So our friends gave what they could (one made my wedding favors, one took our wedding invite & made it into a flowered frame, one put the invite on a mirror for us, one wrote us a song, things like that). And I appreciated every single gift.

Some gave nothing, and I understood their situation. EVER single person got a personal Thank You Note from us for their gift/pressence/whatever.

I was grateful the all attended our wedding, especially a wedding in Disney World & not back in NY.

However every other guest gave $ equal to their "cost" being there. It is not "demanded", but it is customary in a lot of areas of the country.

Just like, I would never think of giving a gift at the wedding. I give gifts for showers & engagement parties. But for weddings, it is always $. That is why the bride has one of those purse's for envelopes.

 

[C.Ann]

As I said earlier, I got married young. Most of my & DH's friends had little to nothing. So our friends gave what they could (one made my wedding favors, one took our wedding invite & made it into a flowered frame, one put the invite on a mirror for us, one wrote us a song, things like that). And I appreciated every single gift.

Some gave nothing, and I understood their situation. EVER single person got a personal Thank You Note from us for their gift/pressence/whatever.

I was grateful the all attended our wedding, especially a wedding in Disney World & not back in NY.

However every other guest gave $ equal to their "cost" being there. It is not "demanded", but it is customary in a lot of areas of the country.

Just like, I would never think of giving a gift at the wedding. I give gifts for showers & engagement parties. But for weddings, it is always $. That is why the bride has one of those purse's for envelopes.

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Sounds like you have found your personal comfort zone in regards to weddings and gifts and that's fine.. However, I believe each person must determine their "own" personal comfort zone and not be swayed by what is "customary" or what "others" may think..

 

[princess pooh]

Back to the original topic - who flippin cares what's on the registry? Either buy something off it or don't. Simple as that. If a $100 set of china is too much, then buy a $50 gift card. I wouldn't boycott a wedding simply because I didn't agree with what things the couple registered for - that's just petty. Reality is, as long as there are weddings there will be gift registries. As for why some things are so expensive, there's a reason that most gift registries are located in the fine china department.

I agree. It seems like you can't win these days. I registered for a few expensive things but most of the stuff was between $12 to $60, and I thought there was a good range of prices. Some people complained that the items we too cheap to give as a gift and others thought that everything was too expensive. I thought we were supposed to pick the stuff we needed .

I really don't get judging the items that poeple put on their list . I usually find something in the price range I want and buy it for the people or I give them a gift card. It's not my place to decide if their garbage can is too expensive or their towels aren't good quality.

 

[Gillian]

I think a registry is helpful in giving gifts, because sometimes you don't want to give money, and just don't know what to get.

Personally, I do remember who gave us certain gifts 10 years later (mother in law - vacuum cleaner NOT on the registry - turned out to be a great thing) but not how much money we recieved. When I use the serving bowls (not on the registry) that match my everyday dishes (from the registry) I think of the thoughtfulness of my aunt, and her wisdom in knowing what I might need in my married life before I did.

And being on the receiving end of a gift is a wonderful thing, no matter what it is. Although writing thank you notes is a pain in the you know what!

Do you think I can register for 10 year anniversary gifts? I really want one of those $99 trash cans!