Very disturbing email from a professor to my DS in college

[fayt19]

They're not babies and they're not children as much as we might like them to be. They're legal adults. And they will never learn to deal with mean bosses and how to pay bills and handle everything on their own unless their parents treat them as adults and expect them to behave as such.

I'm not saying it's easy--as I said before, I'm the mother of an 18 yo college freshman. But if I treat her as incompetent, chances are good she'll become incompetent. And I'd be doing her a real disservice.

Wow. Emailing the dean when a professor sends your child an inappropriate email is treating your child as incompetent? Okay, whatever you say. You DISers know everything.

 

[Ember]

Just to clarify, I don't think the OP is a bad parent. I do think she wildly over reacted and stepped way over the line. She was doing her best to protect her child, I just think she was very misguided in her actions. Unfortunately, the consequences of such and over reaction have the potential to be very damaging to someone.

Accusations of inappropriate conduct are taken very seriously by post secondary institutions, and rightfully so. She has accused a professor of sexual misconduct. That is a very serious charge and it was based on one ambiguous line from an e-mail. A career and a life could be damaged because of these actions. Is that not a problem for those defending the position the OP took? What if it was your husband or father in the professors shoes?

OP, I think your love you son. But I think you made a very serious and potentially devastating mistake as well.

 

[JerseyJanice]

Well, I just read all 8 pages and have to say that I don't see how the OP's parenting abilities are being questioned. Most people are saying--and ITA--that she should have allowed her "child" handle it himself since he is an adult. I don't see that as a big critique on one's parenting skills.

OP, you sound like you raised wonderful kids, but what you did to that man by going to the department head (his boss) and the dean (boss of the whole school) was way overboard. You don't seem to care what happens to him, and that's bad karma IMO for you. It simply sounds like the last time your son saw the man, he did or said or wore something that the professor found "cute."

I don't think it's a good idea most of the time to try and get people in trouble with their jobs--even if you're just going all mama bear. You messed with someone's livelihood, and if you don't realize that now, you may cause somebody a real problem one day.

Next time you whine to somebody's boss and their boss too, think about the consequences they'll face from your actions. If you're an employee, you should consider how you'd feel about somebody doing to you the same thing to you. You probably wouldn't like it.

 

[Carly_Roach]

I'm 40+++ years old and I wish like heck that my mom would call my bank manager for me, she would get to the bottom of things with a quickness!

I'm 40+++ years old, too, and I can tell you that I would have been chagrined had my parents intervened with my employers or school professors. It would have made me look immature and undependable; that I couldn't handle anything without my mommy and daddy's intervention therefore they should really have hired my mommy or my daddy, not me.

Times sure have changed, yes?

 

[Kath2003]

I may just be being a moron here but when I was at college (not that long ago), there was a very detailed and clear procedure for students to follow in events like this and it was in the student handbook given to us all. I can't imagine the dean even giving out his email address, let alone this escalating directly to him/her

 

[fayt19]

Regardless of what the professor meant by the term *cute* or whether the professor is gay or not, it is inappropriate to send an email to any student to tell them they are cute. A simple, sorry you missed the tour, hope you feel better soon would suffice. OP, I would have done the same as you.

Thank you. I agree with you. IT IS INAPPROPRIATE. If the professor wasn't gay, I bet people would have not been as defensive, but everyone has to be so PC...

 

[ogreenlee]

Wow. Emailing the dean when a professor sends your child an inappropriate email is treating your child as incompetent? Okay, whatever you say. You DISers know everything.

Are you the one graduating from high school in the spring? If so, let me let you in on something... once you turn 18, you're legally an adult whether you like it or not. It's time to cut the ties and do things for yourself. Mom and dad should help guide you, not do it for you.

 

[ogreenlee]

Thank you. I agree with you. IT IS INAPPROPRIATE. If the professor wasn't gay, I bet people would have not been as defensive, but everyone has to be so PC...

If the professor wasn't gay, then she wouldn't have cared!

 

[NMAmy]

Wow. Emailing the dean when a professor sends your child an inappropriate email is treating your child as incompetent? Okay, whatever you say. You DISers know everything.

Hey, I merely politely disagreed with you. There's no reason to be rude. I never claimed to know everything--just giving my point of view POLITELY.

And, yes, I do think it sends a message to the student in question that they are not competent to handle this so Mom will take care of it for you. I prefer to have a little faith in my kid that by the time she's 18, I've taught her how to handle things on her own. I'm available for advice and moral support but I'm not going to jump in and make a federal case out of an email that, frankly, I didn't consider inappropriate but rather, unprofessional. The professor called the student cute. There was no vulgar language, no propositions. Just as when dd was young, I'd want to know the context of the comment. If the prof had seen the kid in a play in a "cute" role? Had the prof seen the kid in a "cute" Halloween costume?

If I read the OP's comments correctly, she jumped in and called the dean before even communicating with the son for whom the email was intended because that son was in class and unreachable.

 

[Carly_Roach]

Wow. Emailing the dean when a professor sends your child an inappropriate email is treating your child as incompetent? Okay, whatever you say. You DISers know everything.

The judgment of whether the email was inappropriate is in question here. I don't consider the email inappropriate.

Well, I just read all 8 pages and have to say that I don't see how the OP's parenting abilities are being questioned. Most people are saying--and ITA--that she should have allowed her "child" handle it himself since he is an adult. I don't see that as a big critique on one's parenting skills.

OP, you sound like you raised wonderful kids, but what you did to that man by going to the department head (his boss) and the dean (boss of the whole school) was way overboard. You don't seem to care what happens to him, and that's bad karma IMO for you. It simply sounds like the last time your son saw the man, he did or said or wore something that the professor found "cute."

I don't think it's a good idea most of the time to try and get people in trouble with their jobs--even if you're just going all mama bear. You messed with someone's livelihood, and if you don't realize that now, you may cause somebody a real problem one day.

Next time you whine to somebody's boss and their boss too, think about the consequences they'll face from your actions. If you're an employee, you should consider how you'd feel about somebody doing to you the same thing to you. You probably wouldn't like it.

Amen.

Thank you. I agree with you. IT IS INAPPROPRIATE. If the professor wasn't gay, I bet people would have not been as defensive, but everyone has to be so PC...

I think if the email had been sent by a female professor or a heterosexual male professor, we wouldn't even be having this discussion.

 

[terri01p]

I'm 40+++ years old, too, and I can tell you that I would have been chagrined had my parents intervened with my employers or school professors. It would have made me look immature and undependable; that I couldn't handle anything without my mommy and daddy's intervention therefore they should really have hired my mommy or my daddy, not me.

Times sure have changed, yes?

Oh Carly we all have no question in our minds about how you can handle every situtation without your mommy, daddy, sister or brother. Times haven't changed that much, parents still love their kids and do their best.

 

[ma2jr]

Just to clarify, I don't think the OP is a bad parent. I do think she wildly over reacted and stepped way over the line. She was doing her best to protect her child, I just think she was very misguided in her actions. Unfortunately, the consequences of such and over reaction have the potential to be very damaging to someone.

Accusations of inappropriate conduct are taken very seriously by post secondary institutions, and rightfully so. She has accused a professor of sexual misconduct. That is a very serious charge and it was based on one ambiguous line from an e-mail. A career and a life could be damaged because of these actions. Is that not a problem for those defending the position the OP took? What if it was your husband or father in the professors shoes?

OP, I think your love you son. But I think you made a very serious and potentially devastating mistake as well.

Well said...

 

[mjkacmom]

Can't help but wonder what the 18 year old would have done if the e-mail had been correctly addressed. Would he have told his Mum, dealt with it himself or just ignored it as a mental aberration on the part of the Prof?
.

I wonder how the OP's ds is handling this - I assume he's totally mortified about it, if he even knows.

 

[ogreenlee]

I can't help but think that something DS did prompted the professor in calling him cute, whether it be an endearing cute or looks-type cute. I seriously cannot believe that he'd just say that out of the blue when it makes no sense for him to do so.

 

[luvmy3]

If the professor wasn't gay, then she wouldn't have cared!

The judgment of whether the email was inappropriate is in question here. I don't consider the email inappropriate.
Amen.
I think if the email had been sent by a female professor or a heterosexual male professor, we wouldn't even be having this discussion.

The point is that the email, made the student uncomfortable, as well as the parent. You can argue *if this then that* all you want, it doesn't matter because it doesn't change what happened in this case.

To the pp who said at 18 its time for parents to cut the ties, maybe for you, but not for me

 

[OceanAnnie]

I can't help but think that something DS did prompted the professor in calling him cute, whether it be an endearing cute or looks-type cute. I seriously cannot believe that he'd just say that out of the blue when it makes no sense for him to do so.

That's. just. messed. up.

 

[Kath2003]

The point is that the email, made the student uncomfortable, as well as the parent. You can argue *if this then that* all you want, it doesn't matter because it doesn't change what happened in this case.

If the email had been sent to the correct son, chances are the parent would never have known about it (unless his mother reads his personal emails) and the son would have dealt with the situation himself, or asked his mother to step in.

 

[LoraJ]

That's. just. messed. up.

It does sound like a response to something. It seems odd to start an email with "you're so cute." It almost seemed to me to be the response to something witty or a joke. Although don't know how the brother got it instead. Just very strange.

 

[Carly_Roach]

I can't help but think that something DS did prompted the professor in calling him cute, whether it be an endearing cute or looks-type cute. I seriously cannot believe that he'd just say that out of the blue when it makes no sense for him to do so.

I know. It almost reads like we came in on the middle of a conversation.

 

[legalsea]

In the Disney tradition I have not read the thread, except for bits and pieces, so I feel fully qualified to render an opinion:

1. It was wrong for the daughter to write the email and imply that the distinquished son wrote it.

2. It was wrong for the choir to go on tour when they all had mono.

3. It was wrong for the university to be in Michigan (I am a bit confused about why I think that, but it will come to me later).

4. It was wrong for the professor of Choirology to imply that all the people on this thread are gay, whether or not they are distinguished.

5. Finally, I fail to see what this has to do with the H1N1, but I agree that the vaccine is probably being rushed and all should get it as quickly as possible.

There, I have cleared everything up!