Very disturbing email from a professor to my DS in college

[hinodis]

No need to be insulting. I don't see where I said anything wrong. I mostly agreed with you, only I'd let my son have some involvement.

Was not ment for you I just feel I am being attacked.

 

[GRUMPY PIRATE]

I agree that the email was inappropriate & the appropriate course of action should be taken, but I am appalled that the department head told you the sexuality of the professor!!! That is so out of line, IMO & confidential information!

I didn't even catch that! Very wrong of the department head!

very good point, perhaps a lot of judgemental assumptions are being made aginst a professor who is doing nothing more than checking up on a sick student of his?

maybe trying to cheer the kid up (boy or girl?)

 

[terri01p]

If he was commenting to something that was said why would he also write " sorry I just had to say that "??? This would make me uncomfortable too....

 

[hinodis]

If he was commenting to something that was said why would he also write " sorry I just had to say that "??? This would make me uncomfortable too....

Finally, someone agrees.

 

[hinodis]

I didn't even catch that! Very wrong of the department head!

Well, it was not news to me, nor did I ever care. But, it does change the situation a bit.

 

[Carly_Roach]

DS18 is feeling very uncomfortable about the whole thing. I also think that sometimes when the parent (person paying the bill) calls they tend to "listen" and take action more. I was not on here to ask if I should handle it or my son. I just wondered if others thought that it was very inapprpriate and could have a deeper meaning.

Well, you got your answer. And it appears that you've already taken action against the Professor as judge, jury and executioner before you made your post here, so our opinions wouldn't have had any weight in your action whatsoever.

What I'm left believing is that you are seeking validation for an action that you're now second-guessing. Perhaps others in your real life couldn't believe you contacted the Dean over such an innocuous email? In any case, and since you're asking for opinions, I believe your knee-jerk reaction was wrong. You should have let your sons handle the issue.

I'm also astounded at the Dean's response of revealing that Professor's sexual orientation. If true, then I believe the Dean's behavior is more inappropriate and unprofessional than the Professor's. The Dean should have said he'd look into the matter and started an investigation. Discussion of that Professor's sexual orientation should never had entered the conversation.

 

[npmommie]

I agree the email is odd, and I would want to know the intended meaning behind it.
BUT.............I am wondering why the department head finds it acceptable to discuss the sexuality of a professor with you? that really is no one's business.
and actually I am shocked the department head went that far, and also that he called the email creepy which implies that the professor was intending something he may very well have not intended by the email.

 

[Tinijocaro]

I would have handled it the same way, it is a bit creepy but there is another way to look at it, although I may get flamed.

Speaking of flames, if this prof. is a really flaming gay, that email would not seem odd-just the way some gay people interact with other people-very...not sure how to describe what I'm saying but maybe flamboyant is the word. Maybe not a hit-on but just an observation from a flamboyant man?

 

[Ember]

Two things to say here. First, if the professor in question was straight, would it have been as big a deal? I ask, because if the answer is "no" then you are acting in a very prejudicial manner. The fact that you bring up his sexual orientation at all suggests you find it to be of importance.

I don't know any of the people involved, but I highly doubt the professor was attempting to hit on your son. For one thing, no one in their right mind would send such an invitation - if you will - by e-mail. It's too easily traced and the professor would fired and possibly charged. Secondly, we're speaking about an older generation. They use words and phrases in a different context then youth do. (My grandmother used to tell me to, "keep your pecker up!" She meant my nose.) I would assume the prof meant "cute" as in one of it's actual definitions.

cute
  /kyut/ Show Spelled Pronunciation [kyoot] Show IPA adjective, cut⋅er, cut⋅est, adverb, noun

–adjective
1. attractive, esp. in a dainty way; pleasingly pretty: a cute child; a cute little apartment.
2. affectedly or mincingly pretty or clever; precious: The child has acquired some intolerably cute mannerisms.
3. mentally keen; clever; shrewd.

–adverb
4. Informal. in a cute, charming, or amusing way; cutely: In this type of movie the boy and girl always meet cute.

–noun
5. the cutes, Informal. self-consciously cute mannerisms or appeal; affected coyness: The young actress has a bad case of the cutes.​

Maybe I'm missing something, but none of the definitions seem to imply "I want to get into bed with you."

Frankly, I think it's a disgrace that you would go up the chain of command at the university before even attempting to clarify what the intended message was suppose to be. This man could be in serious trouble because of your accusations when his intent was most likely perfectly innocent. Such actions are very irresponsible and, I find, reprehensible.

Second, at the university level parents should not be stepping in. If your son is old enough to attend university he is old enough to handle his own problems and situations that arise. Here in Canada, thanks to the Freedom of Information and Privacy Act (FOIP) a professor would not even speak to you. They couldn't even confirm your child attended the university or was in any of their classes.

I also can't believe the Dean told you the professors sexual orientation. I'm sure even in the US there are laws about this sort of thing...

 

[npmommie]

I would have handled it the same way, it is a bit creepy but there is another way to look at it, although I may get flamed.

Speaking of flames, if this prof. is a really flaming gay, that email would not seem odd-just the way some gay people interact with other people-very...not sure how to describe what I'm saying but maybe flamboyant is the word. Maybe not a hit-on but just an observation from a flamboyant man?

huh?

 

[hinodis]

Well, you got your answer. And it appears that you've already taken action against the Professor as judge, jury and executioner before you made your post here, so our opinions wouldn't have had any weight in your action whatsoever.

What I'm left believing is that you are seeking validation for an action that you're now second-guessing. Perhaps others in your real life couldn't believe you contacted the Dean over such an innocuous email? In any case, and since you're asking for opinions, I believe your knee-jerk reaction was wrong. You should have let your sons handle the issue.

I'm also astounded at the Dean's response of revealing that Professor's sexual orientation. If true, then I believe the Dean's behavior is more inappropriate and unprofessional than the Professor's. The Dean should have said he'd look into the matter and started an investigation. Discussion of that Professor's sexual orientation should never had entered the conversation.

I do not know what "actions" you think I have taken. I just made the people at the school aware of what I thought was a very unproessional and inapropriate email to my son. I am still his mother and being 18 does not make you worldly. My riends in my "real" life basically reacted as I did, did not think it was right.

 

[crashbb]

I'm frankly disgusted that the department head discussed the prof's sexual orientation with a parent. That was totally inappropriate.

Depending on my relationship with the prof., the original email would probably have weirded me out. I am in graduate school and I can think of one or two profs that I work closely with you may have said something like in an email in reference to something I had done - like making cookies for one of their grandkids, but in most cases it would definitely be a weird email to get.

Does not excuse the department head's actions at all.

 

[Carly_Roach]

BUT.............I am wondering why the department head finds it acceptable to discuss the sexuality of a professor with you? that really is no one's business.
and actually I am shocked the department head went that far, and also that he called the email creepy which implies that the professor was intending something he may very well have not intended by the email.

I know. I'm questioning that myself. It doesn't sound like something an educated person, who would have spent years earning the title and department of Dean, would do. It leaves that department wide open for a workplace harrassment investigation for discrimination against a protected group (sexual orientation).

Which is why I said I found the Dean's behavior more inappropriate.

 

[BCDisneyFanatic]

No, my son did not. My son had a Dr.'s note for all his teachers. IF my son had emailed the prof the the prof would have the correct email and would NOT have sent it to his brother! I am really glad that none of you work at the university, they all thought it was VERY wrong and the depatment head said "this is really creepy"

I agree that the email was inappropriate & the appropriate course of action should be taken, but I am appalled that the department head told you the sexuality of the professor!!! That is so out of line, IMO & confidential information!

Yes, I can see why you are glad that none of us work at the university. Unlike the department head there, we might have given our employee a chance to defend himself before calling him creepy and passing on personal information about his sexuality.

If the prof was hitting on your son, then that was definitely inappropriate. However, I (and several other posters here) can see how there might have been a more innocent explanation for the email. Until all of the facts are in, I guess I would be waiting before breaking out the tar and feathers.

 

[OceanAnnie]

Hinodis, you do what you think is right. If it wasn't right in your gut, your DS's guts, then you have to go with it. I would've thought the same thing. Don't back down. The e-mail is out of line. Professors coming onto students is nothing new. It's disgusting. It should be squashed immediately.
OP's case is just as disgusting as a male professor coming onto a female student.

The administrators are behind you, for all you know he's done this before. He needs to be watched.

Good luck!

 

[Tinijocaro]

huh?

Are you saying that you don't know what a flamboyantly gay man is or have never encountered one? Seriously?

 

[Carly_Roach]

I don't know any of the people involved, but I highly doubt the professor was attempting to hit on your son. For one thing, no one in their right mind would send such an invitation - if you will - by e-mail. It's too easily traced and the professor would fired and possibly charged.

An excellent point.

 

[BeachGirlFLA]

It would have bothered me, too. That said, I probably would have advised my son on how to handle it rather than handling it myself (and the first step would have been to talk to the professor and let him know he was uncomfortable with the email.) And as far as what the Department head did/said, he should be in major trouble.

 

[hinodis]

The dean met with said Prof and he really had no explanation except he agreed that it was inapropriate.

 

[Free4Life11]

I was expecting a more "shocking" email, but I can totally understand why your son would be creeped out at receiving an email like that from a 58-year-old male professor. That being said, it was probably just a nice compliment and nothing more; I doubt he is trying to get in his pants.

What I don't undertsand why you called the dean and department head? Why didn't you (or your son) contact the professor directly? It's not like he was talking dirty or made a pass at your son. He could have apologized or clarified, but now you have involved two additional people who have no reason to be involved. What exactly do you expect them to do?

I think in a situation like this, the best way to handle it is with a terse reply to the email explaining the email was sent to the wrong recipient, you feel the compliment was inappropriate, and you prefer to keep your interactions with faculty and staff professional at all times.

Now one last thing...receiving a compliment from a gay male is no different than receiving one from a female. It doesn't they think you're gay or they want to jump you, it's just a compliment.