Very Delicate Subject..Need Advice!

[ineedadvice]

Well..never thought I'd be here hidden under a different name.
Let me just say that I AM a l-o-n-g time member here, and I'm not doing it so much for me, but because of the slightest chance of someone figuring out who I am, and thus my sister..whom this is about.

I CANNOT talk to anyone IRL about this, so, here I am.

I just found out from my sister that the man she is engaged to..moved away from home for..has given her herpes.

I found this out because I could tell lately that she is just not happy in the relationship at all. I have been begging her to just come home..not to marry someone she is this unsure of. Today she finally told me that she is not leaving him because she feels like she can NEVER be with anyone else because of the "luggage" she now has.

I don't know what to do..what to say. I'm FURIOUS that he did this to her. Of course she didn't have to sleep with him..but he KNEW..he FREAKING KNEW and did not tell her!!

She feels like her life is ruined, and that if she's not with him that it will be nobody. She actually said that if things don't work out with him that she will never date again. I know this sounds exteme, but she means it. She would not want to put somebody else in the position of dealing with this.
I'm just devistated for her.
What can I do?? How can I help her?

I want to believe that he loves her..he acts like he does, but at the same time..who could do this to someone they love???
What other secrets could he be keeping??

Any advice..please??

 

[Growin'upDisney]

Well the best advice I think I could give is for you to encourage her to seek a therapist. She must have self-esteem or insecurity issues if she is staying with a man who gave her herpes simply because she thinks no one else will want her.

If this is a recent diagnosis, she may just be reeling from the newness of it and once some time had passed she may gain perspective on it and realize it is not a life sentence. She should visit a doctor and get truely informed about what it is like to live with this. You can do interenet research to help her as well. I know that it is a burden, but from my understanding, one that can be controlled.

So since I think that medicine can help heal her outside, it sounds like healing the inside is in order as well. I would talk to her often about seeing a counselor, therapist, psychiatrist, whatever it takes for her to realize that staying with some like that, for all the wrong reasons, is a sign that something is broke not only in that other person, but in themselves as well.

Best of luck and hopefully you can be there to support her when she needs it.

 

[SDFgirl]

The herpes itself is not that big a deal. It's very common, and lots of people who have it do date, fall in love, and get married. It's certainly not a life-ender, although it can feel like it is at the time.

The most important thing is that she's upfront and honest with any future (potential) partners. Most people will deal with it in a mature way.

I think the bigger issue here is that he knew about his infection and didn't tell her. That indicates a total disrespect for her and disregard for her health. The guy sounds like a creep!! I would never marry someone who didn't disclose this information to me. Never, never, never.

Good luck to your sister. I hope she makes the right decision. Fear of being alone is never a good reason to get married.

 

[ineedadvice]

She has known about it for months, she just didn't want to tell anyone. She is actually talking some kind of meds that are suppose to help keep it under control somewhat. He's not. She says it's because he doesn't really have a lot of the symptoms, but she does.

I agree that she has SEVERE self-esteem issues. I have tried to get her into some sort of therapy for years, but she just won't take that step. Oh..how I wish she would.

 

[Growin'upDisney]

Then I don't see that there is much more you can do for her. Keep talking to her, tell her she is worth more than this creep is giving and just try to be a bug in her ear. But if it is a long-standing issue with her, then it is not likely something that she can break until she chooses to do so on her own.

As hard as it is for you to stand by and watch this happen to her, you must let her live her own life.

 

[noseybuddy]

The herpes itself is not that big a deal. It's very common, and lots of people who have it do date, fall in love, and get married. It's certainly not a life-ender, although it can feel like it is at the time.

The most important thing is that she's upfront and honest with any future (potential) partners. Most people will deal with it in a mature way.

I think the bigger issue here is that he knew about his infection and didn't tell her. That indicates a total disrespect for her and disregard for her health. The guy sounds like a creep!! I would never marry someone who didn't disclose this information to me. Never, never, never.

Good luck to your sister. I hope she makes the right decision. Fear of being alone is never a good reason to get married.

I agree with you totally. Her life certainly isn't over. So many people carry the herpes virus, more than most peole realize. He is a creep for not telling her, even if he didn't have an outbreak at the time of sex, he could feel it coming on, and besides that, he should have just told her. She can lead a normal life.

 

[JennyMominRI]

Well..never thought I'd be here hidden under a different name.
Let me just say that I AM a l-o-n-g time member here, and I'm not doing it so much for me, but because of the slightest chance of someone figuring out who I am, and thus my sister..whom this is about.

I CANNOT talk to anyone IRL about this, so, here I am.

I just found out from my sister that the man she is engaged to..moved away from home for..has given her herpes.

I found this out because I could tell lately that she is just not happy in the relationship at all. I have been begging her to just come home..not to marry someone she is this unsure of. Today she finally told me that she is not leaving him because she feels like she can NEVER be with anyone else because of the "luggage" she now has.

I don't know what to do..what to say. I'm FURIOUS that he did this to her. Of course she didn't have to sleep with him..but he KNEW..he FREAKING KNEW and did not tell her!!

She feels like her life is ruined, and that if she's not with him that it will be nobody. She actually said that if things don't work out with him that she will never date again. I know this sounds exteme, but she means it. She would not want to put somebody else in the position of dealing with this.
I'm just devistated for her.
What can I do?? How can I help her?

I want to believe that he loves her..he acts like he does, but at the same time..who could do this to someone they love???
What other secrets could he be keeping??

Any advice..please??

My ex gave me AIDS... I believed for a very long time that I would never find anyone else. I believed no one else would ever want to deal with it..I believed it would not be fair etc. etc... I've spent 13 years with the most wonderful man that I love with all my heart and who loves me with all of his heart...If the right man comes along, believe me, Herpes won't matter

 

[02bBarbie]

. Today she finally told me that she is not leaving him because she feels like she can NEVER be with anyone else because of the "luggage" she now has.

have her check this out:

http://www.cnn.com/2007/HEALTH/conditions/02/27/std.internet/index.html

 

[ineedadvice]

I told her that I really REALLY feel like if she would just give herself a chance to find the RIGHT person..if they really love her..they would understand, and it could be worked out.

I think it's a lot to do with how hard of a time she's had finding love when there wasn't anything "wrong" with her. She feels like if she couldn't find a good guy before she definitely won't now!

 

[rhiannonwales]

My best friend since middle school was given herpes by her husband.They are no longer together, but she has s ince remarried to a wonderful man who knows about her condition and totally accepts it.I read an article recently that herpes cases are becoming so prevalent now that there are entire dating sites and singles groups set up jsut for people with this condition.

My friend was destroyed over this thinking that she was going to be alone forever. But like Jenny said above, for the right man, no challenge is too great.

The other thing i'd like to add, is that are you and your family member SURE that he knew he was carrying the virus? I ask because when my friend was diagnosed, her husband really had no idea, it came up during infertility testing.He was tested and found to be positive but had never presented any symptoms.

If he did know and kept it a secret then GET OUT NOW, because you dont know what else he is hiding.

Best of luck.

 

[irishbosoxfan]

Are you sure he KNEW?? Because I have to say a lot of people have it and do not know that they have. They themselves have no symptoms but can pass it easily to their partners.

If he did know(had been diagnosed prior to the consumation)(which if he had been he would have been on meds for it) and didn't tell her then yeah he's a creep--but--if he didn't know and passed it on then pretty much all you can say is crap happens.

Her issues may be more on herself and the choices SHE has made in her life than the situation she is dealing with right now.

 

[Sonya]

Maybe he didn't tell her b/c he knew she would act this way and he would have a hold on her? She could never leave if she was sick?

This isn't true, just listen to JennyMom, if that special person comes along nothing will matter.

 

[Liberty Belle]

She (and you) should do some research online. A lot of people have herpes. People can get Herpes Simplex one in their genital area from someone's cold sores. It's so common. She really should not feel like damaged goods.

If the boyfriend knew he had it and didn't tell her, that's pretty low. I'm sorry your sister is going through this.

 

[DONT.KNOW.99]

Whew, I had to create an alter ego to post this!!

Okay, here's my story and my two cents! When I was 18 years old I dated a guy who while I didn't get THAT intimate with, we did other things. He gave oral herpes down THERE.

I was crushed. I didn't know what to do. I never sought therapy but read as much as I could about it. I went to the doctor and got meds for it. They tested the sores and concluded that was what it was. Tried to learn how to live with it. Now fast forward 10 years later ... I had a blood test about a year ago ... Not even a trace amount of the virus in my system. No outbreaks in over 3 years. I have no idea at this point what happened. If I was misdiagnosed or if the virus truly has diminished to the point where it isn't even registery on the Western Blott test ... I don't know ... but the point is I spent 10 years of my life dealing with it and coping with it. In that time I dated, I had a few serious relationships one of which lead to my marriage.

My questions for you and/or your sister. Did this man know he had it? Many many people have no idea that they have it. This may sound like a cope-out but it's not. Especially for men. The sores for them can come across as simply a cut or irritation. He may have had this as a teen and like me, hardly had an outbreak. It could have been transmitted orally as well. A completely different virus with the same characteristics, usually people never think about transmitting that one. I wouldn't discard him right away without knowing the whole story.

For your sister ... she needs to come to terms with this herself either with a therapist or not. She needs to see a doctor and realize what treatment options there are for her. For some people it's a simple as 2 pills a day for 5 days when an outbreak occurs, for others who have more frequent outbreaks you can take a daily pill to keep the virus at bay. I don't know how old she is but she will be able to date again, she will be able to fall in love and she will be able to get married and have kids, she can even have a ******l birth. It's the hardest thing to tell someone you are just starting to date but to be honest with you I have never been met with resistance about it. As long as she educates herself and can educate a potential partner, there are few men out there that you would want to be intimate with that would turn her away. In my book a man that would turn me away for that was probably someone I shouldn't be taking that step with anyway!!

If you need anything or want to send her to someone that has been there, feel free. I'll check this alter ego PM's. I have been through what she is going through 1000000%, I just had a really wierd turn of events that I really don't know what the story is. Now I have had a series of blood tests at varies times since the one that reveled a clear test and still have had no returns. HOwever I did have an "irritation" that I went to the Dr. for about 6 months ago and right off the bat she said Herpes ... blood test said No ....

Good Luck ...

 

[Pigeon]

I don't think there is much you can do, other than to reassure her that her life isn't over. This guy is a creep, but trying to talk to her about him isn't going to help and may only hurt. She's an adult and needs to make her own decisions about where to go.

 

[ineedadvice]

Thank you all so much for your advice, and especially your personal stories.

I am pretty sure he DID know..at least that's what my sister tells me. She said when she started having symptoms..but had no idea what was going on he started acting very strange. Before that there had been periods of time when he refused sex..at the time she didn't know why, but now believes that he was hiding his own symptoms.

When she did go to the dr. and found out, he did not act surprised, AND he apologized..sounds pretty guilty to me.

She says he refuses to take meds, because he symptoms aren't "that" bad! She however has been on meds since day one of the diagnosis.

To the person that sent me the PM...
Sorry..I can't PM you back! I don't have enough posts yet..under this name anyway!
Thank You though!