VERY concerned about my son (long)

[va32h]

I meant that I want him to be happy in his life, overall, not be happy every minute of every day. And who says I didn't hug him? I did, I assure you, and I do all the time.

This is YOUR sign to stop with the tension in the home.

I am trying. I am trying very hard. I would do anything to make my kids happy, I am doing everything I can to figure out what is best for them and to do that, ASAP. It's just not a switch that can be turned off and on at will. And I can only control my behavior, not my husband's. One of the reasons the children and I are on vacation without their father is to relieve some of that tension.

 

[momof2inPA]

Take a deep breath here, OP. Your son is not going to become a serial killer because you caught him throwing dirt at a turtle.

OK, that was really funny.

OP, I feel sorry for your son, especially if you and DH are arguing in front of the kids. That should be kept to an absolute minimum or non-existant. You should also try not to leave him in a school environment where the kids are picking on him. I wouldn't worry too much about the turtle, turtles are boring and I think the kids was just trying to make it do something. I would worry about your son hitting or pushing his two year old sister if you think happens too often or too violently.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I am trying. I am trying very hard. I would do anything to make my kids happy, I am doing everything I can to figure out what is best for them and to do that, ASAP. It's just not a switch that can be turned off and on at will. And I can only control my behavior, not my husband's. One of the reasons the children and I are on vacation without their father is to relieve some of that tension.

I know exactly what you mean...I do. Been there, done that.
I just want to say that until things are not tense your son cannot relax. That is just a fact unfortunately and it stinks.
Here is something that I had to realize for myself.
If adults cannot handle things, children cannot be expected to handle it either, no matter what it is.
So as far as your son and the turtle, don't jump to the extreme. While what he did isn't the nicest thing, I do not see it as something out of the ordinary for a 6yo boy.

Sounds as if you are carrying the weight of the world right now. I am so sorry. {{{HUGS}}}

 

[Tigger&Belle]

I can understand your concern, but I agree that you are likely overreacting.

This fall we got two kittens--the kitty in my signature and her brother. My youngest son, now 6yo, was holding the brother and then threw him. I saw it and was shocked. I layed into my son and let him know how unacceptable it was. After that I supervised him closely and he had to earn my trust back, which he did. He'd never tried to hurt one of our animals before and hasn't hurt them again.

If I were you I would keep an eye on your son and it sounds like counseling is a good idea for several reasons, but I wouldn't even mention the turtle incident to the counselor unless you notice him doing other things to your pets. It's very likely that he wasn't trying to hurt the turtle--he doesn't have the same reasoning skills at 6yo that we have. It's cool to see turtles go back in their shell, plain and simple.

He's a little boy who's hurting and making too big of a deal could backfire. He needs you to take care of him, not come down too hard on him. But, I do appreciate you not taking the stance of "boys will be boys" and sweeping it under the rug since that wouldn't be helpful, either.

 

[babytrees]

Thank you for everyone's opinions on all sides.

I probably do watch too much CSI and Law and Order.

But I worry about my son all the time. His father has been absent most of his life, (military) and even when he is around, he doesn't get much attention from his dad. Add to that the fact that my husband and I are going through a difficult time in our marriage - essentially, deciding if we are going to stay married, home life is quite tense.

He's also a shy, sensitive, easily scared little boy who is small for his age. He did well academically in kindergarten, but was picked on by some of the other boys in his class because of his size. Most of his friends are girls, and all his caregivers are women, so I worry all the time that he doesn't have a positive male influence.

A few times in the last two months, I caught him pushing or hitting his 2 year old sister. We have a dog, but he has never hurt her before; in fact, prior to the last six or seven months, he as always been a very sweet and caring little boy.

I just look at all these things and see red flags everywhere. I just want him to be happy, and healthy, and normal.

Thanks for more insight into your son and his home life.

for you. I believe most of the behavior you are talking about is normal 6 year old behavior still but it sounds like your son is internalizing a lot right now. We have a friend (boy) that most of his friends are girls but we know that will change as they get older, they are 10 now. Does your son know that you know about the bullying and trying to do something to remedy it? If nothing else create opportunities that he can talk to you about anything and everything.
My girls have gone through the same things as our marriage has hit rough patches, he and you will come through this time.

 

[Cindyluwho]

I did have one other thought - tomorrow when the tortoise rescue peopllcome, see if they offer any sort of rescue/conservation stuff. You might be able to interest your son in being a "friend of turtles" or something like that. It might be a nifty way to turn his interest around. Also, see iithe rescue people will show him(gently) how the turtle "works", so his curiosity is satisfied and he hears from someone other than you how to treat it gently.

I just love this suggestion!!! I think it's a wonderful idea!!

 

[Hannathy]

I think a very important part of the equation is your son was indirectly not being nice to the turtle he was throwing dirt to cause a reaction not directly hurting the animal just for pain ie using his hands to poke it or pull it's neck if that makes sense. If you read the poster with the son with serious issues he was directly hurting the animals pulling tails pushing and it continued with out reason. Your son reasoned that a little dirt would make it pull in the reaction he wanted- not to hurt the animal. He knows he did wrong I would drop it and just watch if it happens again but it sounds very normal to me.

If he didn't pick on his younger sibling I would find that more abnormal! IMO all kids pick on their siblings. Good luck with your other situation but kids do know more about what is going on than parents give them credit for or would believe.

 

[Laugh O. Grams]

I'm going to be the voice of dissent here. It really could be nothing or an over reaction. BUT what is your gut telling you?? 6 year old may be a little young for empathy especially being a boy-they mature more slowly. Here's the other side of the coin. My ds started doing things like that when he was 4. Things like chasing our cat or pulling the tails of our cats and dogs. It wasn't so much that he was doing those things but the reaction he had to doing them. No empathy what so ever and just couldn't realize that he was hurting an innocent annimal. Then he deliberately pushed his cousin off our deck and she fell about 4 feet. Inside I, I just knew something was wrong but everyone (doctors too) kept saying you're over reacting. Well by 4th grade the school asked us to consult a psychologist b/c of disturbing pics he was drawing. By 13 he had his first admission to the psych ward. He's dx'ed Bipolar I, ADD and PDD (pervasive developmental disorder- a spectrum of autism). He's now 19 and very abusive verbally and physically and under a psychiatrist and a therapist care. Now he's far from a sociopath, but I'm telling you that I sleep with a deadbolted bedroom door. When he's not in an "episode" he can be a nice kid. I'm not trying to scare you. I just want you to examine your own feelings about this and decide if this is just a typical parent nightmare thought or do you really fear there's something wrong. If you're really concerned contact your ds's teacher and see if she sees a general lack of empathy or a 6 year old boy being a 6 year old boy. I recognized my child's problems maybe because I'm very intuitive or maybe because I have a BA in psych-my problem was getting a professional to say yeah this is more serious than boy behavoir. I went to ds's first grade teacher and was so relieved when she said "you know I can't quite put my finger on it but there is something different about your son." The earlier the intervention the better off the results. I can't say either way in your case, but if you think there is a problem push and keep pushing till you've explored every option. Good luck and I really truly pray you do not have to walk down my path.

Good point!
Parents of healthy, well adusted children don't jump to these kind of drastic conclusions after seeing their son simply throwing dirt at a turtle. There has to be more to the OPs line of thought than this one isolated incident. I'd say follow your gut as well!

 

[Robinrs]

Hugs to you and your situation. I know how hard it is to understand a male minus a positive male role model but remember one thing I heard that helped me:

"A girl cannot raise a boy but a WOMAN can raise a male."

Hang in there, be strong, keep being the positive force in his life and always realize that the Mama Lion can do ANYTHING. Take it from one who knows....

 

[Disney Doll]

If this was an isolated incident, I'd probably not panic.

However, there is a lot of tension in your home, he had what sounds like a tough time at school. Counselling is a good idea for those reasons...he will be somewhere where it is "safe" to talk about what he's feeling, he will talk to someone who will be able to help him.

 

[beckmrk04]

Children don't really start showing "empathy" until the age of 6 or 7, so you should see some improvement in his affect soon. Although you are upset please take a few deep breaths. As long as you keep reinforcing the fact of being kind to animals and people everything should be fine.

That's exactly what I was going to say. Between 5 and 6, kids are sometimes shockingly lacking in empathy- but it comes with age and maturing emotionally.

Try to explain it to him in order for him to start understanding empathy. For example, "Would you think it was nice if someone threw things at you?" It's a classic on the mother-speech circuit.

I doubt he was really trying to hurt the turtle. We used to have a scary neighborhood boy- we walked past the house one day and on the sidewalk in front of their house lay a dead bird with scissors still stuck in it. THAT'S time to worry.