vent

[cocodog]

You either need to be prepared to deal with them for the next 100 years or get out now. They are a part of the package.

 

[ogreenlee]

I'm not done reading this thread yet, but had to comment on this.
My MIL & her sister had their brother's children baptized behind his back! I couldn't believe when I heard this. What kind of people would do this!? Talk about butting in.

If my MIL ever did this...

there would be hell to pay.

 

[ogreenlee]

You either need to be prepared to deal with them for the next 100 years or get out now. They are a part of the package.

I do agree to an extent. If your fiance doesn't stand up for you or stand with you before you get married... I'd rethink it. If you see that he sides with mommy, then you're going to have problems.

 

[Scurvy]

-----------
Thankfully, he's not a mama's boy, and never has been. He never goes out of his way.
----------------------------------
Any man that chooses his mom over his wife has issues.

Most men don't have to choose between their wife or their mother. My husband loves his parents. It makes sense that he wants to spend time with them. We don't spend as much time with them as he might choose to if he was on his own, and we spend more time with them than I would probably choose to if it was totally up to me. That's compromise. I wouldn't consider him a "Mama's boy" because he went out of his way to see them. He loves them - why wouldn't he go out of his way for them? Frankly I would think less of someone who would turn their back on their loved ones simply because his spouse didn't particularly enjoy their company.

I don't like spending time with my husband's parents as much as he does, but I do it for him. We also spend time with my parents who I'm sure I enjoy spending time with more than my husband does. As a mother of a son, I certainly hope my son chooses a wife who has an attitude more like mine than some of the attitudes I see on this thread. And I really wonder how some people on this thread - particularly the OP - will feel if they have sons who grow up to marry women who dislike sharing their husband with his parents as much as the people on this thread do! Or maybe they intend to wash their hands of their kids when they get married and don't care if they spend time with them and with any potential grandchildren.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

OP--when do you visit YOUR family???

I know we are focusing on your DF's family. But where is the compromise to visit YOUR family?

 

[Wishing on a star]

Scurvy, you are treading on thin ice, and while I see what you are trying to say.... I disagree.

It's all in the perspective....

Any mother who has such demands and requirements and who 'guilt trip's' her child is the one who is forcing a choice.
It is not always the wife who is the one to blame.

Mothers like that (like my MIL) are the ones creating the need for a choice.

Sorry if you have never experienced parents/inlaws like this.
But, you might refrain from casting stones and flaming other posters until you have walked a mile in their shoes.

As for me... we DO see my MIL almost every single freakin' weekend...
But, she will still state that my DH is 'HERS' and that I am 'keeping her grandson from her'. (again, we see her EVERY freakin' weekend)

With negative narcissistic people like this... compromise is out of the question. Nothing is ever enough.
With people who are not sane and rational, there is no rational discussion or compromise.

And, if this MIL is taking one thin dime from her own child... She is looking for somebody to care for her and bankroll her, now, and in years to come...
it sounds like she considers her son, and his money, to be hers, as she wishes... at her beck and call.

OP, think fast and think hard... if all of this is true... the rest of your marriage will be one tough row to hoe.

You need to ask your SIL's if their situations were made worse, and they had to pull away, when their legal marriages became official.

 

[itsheresomewhere]

No, no it really isn't.

Trust me it is to them.

 

[ogreenlee]

Most men don't have to choose between their wife or their mother. My husband loves his parents. It makes sense that he wants to spend time with them. We don't spend as much time with them as he might choose to if he was on his own, and we spend more time with them than I would probably choose to if it was totally up to me. That's compromise. I wouldn't consider him a "Mama's boy" because he went out of his way to see them. He loves them - why wouldn't he go out of his way for them? Frankly I would think less of someone who would turn their back on their loved ones simply because his spouse didn't particularly enjoy their company.

I don't like spending time with my husband's parents as much as he does, but I do it for him. We also spend time with my parents who I'm sure I enjoy spending time with more than my husband does. As a mother of a son, I certainly hope my son chooses a wife who has an attitude more like mine than some of the attitudes I see on this thread. And I really wonder how some people on this thread - particularly the OP - will feel if they have sons who grow up to marry women who dislike sharing their husband with his parents as much as the people on this thread do! Or maybe they intend to wash their hands of their kids when they get married and don't care if they spend time with them and with any potential grandchildren.

I think most folks fall into this category.. at least I hope. I don't. My MIL is not a pleasant person to be around... and that's putting it nicely. My husband does not enjoy spending time with her. He does so out of obligation. My mother just passed away, but we both felt more comfortable with her, and he mourns the death of my mom almost as much as I do.

 

[ogreenlee]

It's all in the perspective....

Any mother who has such demands and requirements and who 'guilt trip's' her child is the one who is forcing a choice.

Mothers like that ( like my MIL ) are the ones creating the need for a choice.

Sorry if you have never experienced parents/inlaws like this.
But, you might refrain from casting stones and flaming other posters until you have walked a mile in their shoes.

As for me... we DO see MIL almost every single freakin' weekend...
But, she will still state that my DH is 'HERS' and that I am 'keeping her grandson from her'. (again, we see her EVERY freakin' weekend)

With negative narcissistic people like this... compromise is out of the question. Nothing is ever enough.

And, if this MIL is taking one thin dime from her own child... She is looking for somebody to care for her and bankroll her in her elderly years...
it sounds like she considers her son, and his money, to be hers, as she wishes... at her beck and call.

OP, think fast and think hard... if all of this is true... the rest of your marriage will be one tough row to hoe.

Exactly! My MIL even said that she was going to make sure to spend all the money before she dies. I looked at her with disbelief, and said.. "We don't need your money. Just make sure you don't go bankrupt and live another 20 years."

 

[Scurvy]

Scurvy, you are treading on thin ice, and while I see what you are trying to say.... I disagree.

It's all in the perspective....

Any mother who has such demands and requirements and who 'guilt trip's' her child is the one who is forcing a choice.
It is not always the wife who is the one to blame.

Mothers like that (like my MIL) are the ones creating the need for a choice.

Sorry if you have never experienced parents/inlaws like this.
But, you might refrain from casting stones and flaming other posters until you have walked a mile in their shoes.

As for me... we DO see my MIL almost every single freakin' weekend...
But, she will still state that my DH is 'HERS' and that I am 'keeping her grandson from her'. (again, we see her EVERY freakin' weekend)

With negative narcissistic people like this... compromise is out of the question. Nothing is ever enough.
With people who are not sane and rational, there is no rational discussion or compromise.

And, if this MIL is taking one thin dime from her own child... She is looking for somebody to care for her and bankroll her in her elderly years...
it sounds like she considers her son, and his money, to be hers, as she wishes... at her beck and call.

OP, think fast and think hard... if all of this is true... the rest of your marriage will be one tough row to hoe.

Thanks, Wishing, but I'm not on thin ice. I said most men, and I stand by that. I know that there are toxic people out there and some people do have to choose. It sounds like your case might fit into that category, and if it does then I'm sorry. The case of the OP, on the other hand, might not. She obviously doesn't like her potential inlaws. They aren't her inlaws yet, and they don't have to be. She needs to try to work things out with her fiance now, but she also needs to realize that most people don't see it as a choice between their family and their wife when they get married. Her fiance might not be willing to stop spending time with his family and he might refuse to keep his kids from them. Maybe he cares about them more than the OP thinks he does. Maybe they aren't as bad as she says they are - her perception could be colored by the fact that she resents the time her husband spends with them. Regardless, her husband and his mother have the relationship that they have. If he isn't happy with it, he needs to choose to distance himself. He isn't doing that and might not ever choose to. If that's the case, the OP needs to walk away now and save herself - and her husband - a lifetime of heartache. If she marries him anyway, knowing what she knows now and without seeing if they can reach a compromise, she has no one to blame but herself for whatever follows.

Oh, and regarding the bolded - Don't be. I'm not!
ETA - Okay I went back and re-read and still don't see it. Exactly which part of my post was "flaming and casting stones"? I certainly didn't intend to come across that way!

I think most folks fall into this category.. at least I hope. I don't. My MIL is not a pleasant person to be around... and that's putting it nicely. My husband does not enjoy spending time with her. He does so out of obligation. My mother just passed away, but we both felt more comfortable with her, and he mourns the death of my mom almost as much as I do.

I'm sorry, ogreenlee. I do know that some inlaws can be toxic. I'm sorry your mother-in-law apparently is. I'm also really sorry about the loss of your mother!

I just get irritated on threads like this because it really seems as though many posters think that any husband who doesn't abandon his family in favor of his wife - or who dares to defend them to her - is a "Mama's boy". And while occasionally that may be the case, the vast majority of the time it is not.

 

[BLTtinkerbell]

Exactly! My MIL even said that she was going to make sure to spend all the money before she dies. I looked at her with disbelief, and said.. "We don't need your money. Just make sure you don't go bankrupt and live another 20 years."

HAAAA! "Just make sure you don't go bankrupt and live another 20 years" I love that!

OP: I do feel bad for you & know kind of what you are talking about. You & DF have to work out things before you get married. He can't expect the two of you to visit his family every weekend in the summer! My crazy inlaws tried this when we had our first baby. My MIL cried & told my DH she had to see the baby every weekend. WTH?!?! We needed time to be alone w/our baby on the weekend. Afterall, my DH was at work all week. When were we going to have time to be a family? When would we have time to visit w/my family?
MIL drove us crazy w/this. The inlaws would just show up at our house without warning or an invitation. MIL would try to hold my baby the entire time she was here. She was actually angry at me for nursing & tried to tell me that it was proven that formula was better. She said I was selfish for nursing because I was then the only who could feed the baby. Are you kidding me?! My DH had many conversations w/his parents about all of this. They didn't care. You need to have time to visit your family & friends and also have time alone.

You can't change DF & you can't keep him from seeing his parents. BUT he has to compromise too. Does he want to spend time w/your family? Does he want to have alone time w/you?

Holidays can be so tricky. My DH got married before his siblings. His family expected us to be w/them for every holiday, all day. It was very hard to tell them we had to split the day when possible. I have some relatives that live very near my inlaws. We will go to one house first & then the other later in the day. That way we can see both sets of relatives. My family has always been fine w/this. Inlaws, no way. If we went to my family first, inlaws said it wasn't fair. So next holiday we go to inlaws first & they say it isn't fair that we have to leave. We can't win. We just do our best. My DH knows his family is difficult but he still loves them & wants to see them. He wants our children to be part of their lives. It isn't easy at times. PPs have stated this can ruin a marriage. I will say it can put a lot of stress on a marriage. You have to come up w/a plan that is fair to both of you.

If DF isn't willing to compromise, you need to think long & hard about really getting married. Good luck. Sorry this is so long.

 

[ogreenlee]

My definition of a "mama's boy" is a man who will drop everything to run to his mother's beckon call. It's not a man who loves his mama. A man who loves his mama, but knows that his wife and children come first is a good man.

I do appreciate your sentiment, though. I'm used to my MIL, and have come to expect life a certain way. Wouldn't you know she'd be the sole surviving grandparent left for my DD. I could go on for days about unbelievable stories, and if she were to read any of it, she denied every single bit. lol

 

[C.Ann]

I don't think marriage is in your or your DF's best interests right now.. You need to get these issues straightened out first.. If not, the marriage is doomed..

 

[dnoyes]

I had this problem with my inlaws.

I bought a condo in Clearwater Florida and offered to let them live in it for free.

We live in Idaho, 3000 miles away

We get along great now.

 

[quentina]

Well, when my MIl stated that she can't stand my kids (and they were in the room), I demanded my husband release me.

For years, I feel guilty, hurt, sad etc. All in all, my in-laws are some of the crappiest grandparents I have ever met. Too be honest, I don't even think my kids really like them .

My husband is an only child...so....I stole him and I am so beneath his it is hysterical

After the release, I have had the most amazing time. When crazy lady says something, I no longer listen to the complaints or comments about my poor parenting, I tell her what I think and remind her often that since she doesn't even know my kids, I am unsure how she is so educated with what is best for them.

I need to say, once I started sticking up for myself and not worrying about being disrespectful, her attitude towards me has changed. She now seems to think (slighty) prior to speaking.

After the initial comment....even her perfect son would not talk to her for quite some time, over 3 months.

Their relationship is forever strained and to be honest, I don't think that it will ever recover.....there are times I feel so sad for my husband and kids however, I have never been happier.

Prior to our wedding (15 years ago), we actually went through counseling because of her. I debated not marrying him because I knew she was going to cause lots of issues. Our priest said.....you only need to worry about him, he is who you are marrying. It is words to live by.

 

[Disney Doll]

Prior to our wedding (15 years ago), we actually went through counseling because of her. I debated not marrying him because I knew she was going to cause lots of issues. Our priest said.....you only need to worry about him, he is who you are marrying. It is words to live by.

The priest, while well-intentioned, is wrong. When you marry someone, you are marrying their family. Unless your spouse is going to move away and never have any ocntact with his family again, you will be dealing with some sort of family fallout, even if you live 20,000 miles away. There are phones, there is the Internet, there is the family grapevine. Distance makes it a little easier, but it doesn't absolve you from family issues creating issues within your own marriage if you let them.

OP, your problem is with your fiance, not your future in-laws. If the situation is as you post it, your problem is that your fiance doesn't have the nerve to stand up to his parents. You should not need to spend every holiday with his family...what about your family and the holidays? When do you see them? You also should not need to be spending every weekend with his family. And, when you get married, the money is going to be yours as well as his, so him giving his parents $$ when they ask for it is going to take on a whole new meaning.

So, your fiance needs to find some nerve and stand up to his parents, set some ground rules and stick with them. I would recommend to you that you not marry him if he is unable to do this, because you will be unhappy. There are compromises the two of you can come to...alternating one holiday with your side of the family, one holiday with his, going to their house one weekend per month, no money loaned without discussion...things like that.

But, if your husband is not going to be able to stand up to his parents, then you will be forever frustrated. And if you have children, and wind up divorced, then those children will be spending a certain amount of time with these people without you around to run interference.

So take a good look at everything and think long and hard before marrying this man. He may not be a keeper if he can't say no to Mama.

 

[FayeW]

OP, if this is all true, and your mil IS that bad...
( I, too, started out here under the impression that it was more of a very intense dislike, without any real 'toxic' issues.... But, now I think I may be changing my thoughts on that.....)

But, that makes it all the more important for you to listen to everyone here....
THIS WILL NOT CHANGE!!!!

If your fiance is indeed that 'close' to this woman, and feels obligated to be that close, forever.... And she holds that kind of undue influence over him....

As long as he, as an adult, chooses to stay inappropriately and intimately close to his mother (as in daily and weekly visits, giving money, etc... etc...) then, Houston, we have a problem. He probably WILL be demanding to take the children over there very, very, often... let her babysit, etc.... ( usually, in these situations, what Mama wants... Mama gets....)

Honey, take off the rose colored glasses before you and your relationship with your husband are offered up to the MIL like sacrifices to a god.

UNLESS YOU ARE ABLE TO ESTABLISH SOME PERSONAL BOUNDARIES AND SEE THAT YOUR FIANCE CAN MAINTAIN SOME HEALTHY BOUNDARIES WITH HIS MOTHER..... I WOULD BE THINKING TWICE, THRICE, AND FOUR TIMES, BEFORE I WENT THRU WITH A MARRIAGE AND CHILDREN.

If I remember correctly you have a son of your own. An only child, I believe. How are you going to feel if your son marries a woman just like dear old Mom and she decides that he has an inappropriately close and intimate relationship with YOU?

Wishing, you seem like a nice lady, but you definitely have some issues when it comes to in-laws and teachers. I think that some of your life experiences with these two groups have definitely coloured your perception, and make your post a little biased.

For myself, I encourage my husband to call his parents, and to go home to visit. They live far away and it isn't financially possible for the whole family to visit frequently, so sometimes he goes alone or takes one of the children with him. We all went to his parents' 50th anniversary this summer.

When I don't think that he is calling enough, I pick up the phone and call her myself. When our son started playing hockey and soccer, we would call my mother as well as MIL and say "guess what Nanny, I scored a goal!" and DS would tell them all about it because it is important that children, parents, and grandparents develope whatever kind of relationship they can when distance keeps them apart, and to know that they are loved and thought about.

My niece is ridiculous about her in-laws. She doesn't even bother to talk to me about it anymore because I won't put up with her foolishness. She is petty, hateful, and unfair. She flew into her MIL for sending pictures of other grandchildren to her hubby saying "Stop sending them, I don't want them!" What she is refusing to understand is that they are not for her, they are for her husband, the uncle of the other grandchildren! She can display any photos of her friends and family, but he cannot. Her mother is allowed to babysit, his cannot. Her hatefulness to his family will cause the end of their marriage, guaranteed. Someday he will find a backbone and leave her.

OP, there is a happy medium between a tyrant and a doormat. What you have to remember is that these are his parents, his family. He has as much of a right to love them and spend time with them as you do with yours. You don't have to spend every holiday with them, that would be unfair and ridiculous. Set some boundaries, switch off some holidays each year with your side, and set aside a few to enjoy by yourselves.

 

[Pumbaa_]

of course she is biased, she lives it!

unless you have dealt with the toxic inlaw (or other family members) it is hard to understand just how hard and horrible it can be

my DH mom died before I ever met him (my loss there) and his father remarried

well she was not a pleasant person. I had never experienced anything like her and always gave her the benefit of the doubt. Until I just couldn't any more. She was not a nice woman at all

the last few years she would give us one time to show up Christmas Eve and everyone else a different time. We would show up right on time and everyone would be eating. What a gem

My FIL died very unexpectedly. It was hard. Have only seen her twice after the services were done. Both were at another funeral for a family member.

She never treated us like family and we cut all ties. Neither one of has an ounce of regret and will not have a relationship with this woman

Does that make me a bad person? Nope, just one that has a strong sense of self-preservation Until you live it, you just can't comprhend how bad it can be

 

[luvsJack]

Whether her mil "is that bad" or not really doesn't matter a hill of beans. She thinks the woman is that bad and doesn't seem to be willing to rethink her opinion. Her husband, apparently, doesn't think his mother is that bad and seems to intend on spending time with her and the rest of his family.

So, the OP has two choices. #1 Get out of the relationship now and don't look back. I don't care what anyone says, you don't marry a person you really do marry a family. OR #2 Sit down with your husband to be, be brutally honest with him and see if the two of you can come to an agreeable compromise. (my advice on #2 would be to start every statement with "I feel", not "she does. . . "

Just remember something,OP, this is his family you are talking about. He loves these people and that will not change just because you have a bad opinion of them.

A man should not choose his mother over his wife, but then again; he shouldn't be expected to make a choice--from either woman.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I think that some of your life experiences with these two groups have definitely coloured your perception....

I won't even validate this with a comment...

Well, except to say...
You are totally and completely wrong in your assesment.
(We have spent nearly every single weekend and every single holiday, and every single everything with my DH's parents)
Yep, until you have experienced my in-laws, you have no right to pass judgment and make personal comments about another poster ( me ) who is not asking for your hallowed advice.

And, I can also say that, just perhaps, your posts, too, are very biased by the fact that you claim to have the 'perfect' little family situation, and live a million miles away from your own inlaws... and it seems that your opinion of one single niece seems to make you so well qualified to make such judgments.

Until one has walked a mile.......