vent

[castleview]

Do any of his brothers have kids of their own? I know once we had kids, we started putting ourselves before everyone else's wishes for the holidays. Our's was a gradual process of saying "no" to weekly invitations. As far as the money goes, if your DF says "no" - that's great. We didn't get any help from DH's brothers, because they always thought "this time was the final bail out". It took them all a good year to stop asking us for money.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

To add to that...

The kids are born and DH brings them over without you and pretty soon you can't take it.

Then you get a divorce and now your kids are over at MIL's house ALL THE TIME and there is nothing you can do about it.

 

[EthansMom]

I agree with the PPs that you need to deal with this with your fiance. The ILs aren't going to change... not ever. If your DF wants to spend some time with his family (and you do not), there is nothing wrong with that. But it isn't fair to you that his parents automatically get him on all major holidays and you do not. Certainly, two grown adults ought to be able to think up a compromise that allows the two of you time together and yet allows your fiance some time with his family.

Personally, my attempt at compromise would be do Thanksgiving with the ILs (including going myself and suffering a bit) and have a personal day for just the two of us on another day. I would want to spend all (or most) of Christmas Day (just the two of us), thought. So, basically, one holiday with the ILs and one for us.

 

[Ember]

Well, I guess this would be the upside to being married to an orphan... I know this situation is hard, and I'm not saying you don't have a right to your feelings, because you do. But within a few months my mother will be gone (terminal cancer) and we won't have a family to share holidays with anymore, we'll both be orphans. It will just be the two of us.

PLEASE think twice before you cut out family, no matter how irritating they may be. Find a compromise of some kind. Maybe you could go to their place every other holiday. Or maybe only for part of the time for each. I guarantee you that if you take your husband-to-be away from his family when he wants to be there, he will resent you one day. And resentment is a killer to any marriage.`````````

Good luck.

 

[Missy1961]

give back the ring and run. If you cannot stand it now don't kid yourself that it will change. It won't. You will only become more and more annoyed and then you will resent him. Then when the kids are born and they "have" to go visit them you will resent him even more. It is often a small issue that festers and becomes a hideous wound. Now you suck it up. Eventually that will get old and you will feel that you are second best and that your children are second best. Then the problems will really begin.

If you don't want to give the ring back and run then you need to get this all straightened out before you get married. That shouldn't include you working every holiday to avoid them.

mte.

 

[BelleWDW]

I dont think I can, if we ever have children, they are not spending any sort of time at the grumpy house.


.

What this teaches your future kids is that their parent's parents are not important

So when THEY get married & their spouse doesnt like YOU-they will do it to you-doncha think???

 

[disneyjunkie]

Wow, OP, are you really planning to keep your future children away from their grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins?? If so, that is pretty awful.


Since you're willing to marry into the family, they can't be that bad.

I agree with AKL MEGS, Sleepy and DVC-OKW-96.

 

[HM]

I think that the OP mistyped....and said her DF does give money to his parents when they asked. Is that right OP? He needs to find a way to say no. Right now it's his money to give, but soon it will be money that is for the household you two keep (or are you already living together?).

I don't have any better advice that what's been given. Compromise is the key to your relationship and that will mean spending some time with the inlaws. But not as much as your DF currently seems to.....bbq every weekend? Yikes. That's a bit too much togetherness for anyone.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

Wow, OP, are you really planning to keep your future children away from their grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins?? If so, that is pretty awful.


Since you're willing to marry into the family, they can't be that bad.

I agree with AKL MEGS, Sleepy and DVC-OKW-96.

I don't think it is awful. Some people really are awful to be around. I keep my kids from members of my own family. They will never meet them and it is in their best interest.

 

[Ephany]

I agree with previous posters who say you need to work out a compromise before you get married, or else this will fester. DH's parents did see us A LOT when we were dating and first married, but once DD was born we just didn't see them as often. It just became too much to load up the car and drive 5 hours each way every weekend with our work schedules and DD. We now live 1,000 miles away and it's all good.

A friend of mine though told me they saw her dad's parents EVERY weekend and holiday until she enlisted. The kids weren't allowed to play in any sports or do any activities because that might interfere with the 3-4 hour drive to grandma's. She found out when she was older how very much her mom had resented it and how it almost led to a divorce between her parents. I realize this is an extreme case, but if it's like this now, it won't get better when you're married unless you both work out a compromise now.

 

[Scurvy]

Give back the ring and run. If you cannot stand it now don't kid yourself that it will change. It won't. You will only become more and more annoyed and then you will resent him. Then when the kids are born and they "have" to go visit them you will resent him even more. It is often a small issue that festers and becomes a hideous wound. Now you suck it up. Eventually that will get old and you will feel that you are second best and that your children are second best. Then the problems will really begin.

If you don't want to give the ring back and run then you need to get this all straightened out before you get married. That shouldn't include you working every holiday to avoid them.

I agree completely! In addition, if you convince him to cut them out he very well might resent you. You can't very well tell your husband that he isn't allowed to take his children to visit his family. Maybe you could if they were dangerous, but the fact that you don't like them is not reason enough to prevent their son from taking their grandchildren to visit them if he wants to.

You don't have to love your inlaws. You don't even have to like them very much. But they are your fiance's family and that isn't going to change. Whether he visits because he wants to or because he feels obligated, the end result is the same. If you intend to marry him and then try to stop him from visiting, I suspect that won't go over very well. But the alternative is to work on every holiday and spend every weekend without your husband. If this is really your hill to die on, you need to talk to your fiance and spell out your feelings. Tell him you will work every Christmas, and tell him you won't allow you children to visit his parents. And see what he says.

I agree with Mouse House Mama. I don't think that you and your fiance are going to be able to reach a compromise that won't leave at least one of you very unhappy. I think you need to rethink this marriage. But if you aren't willing to walk away right now you at least need to talk to your fiance about this and spell out your expectations for the future. Your fiance might not be willing to accept those expectations, and that's something you need to know sooner rather than later.

 

[DSNLvR]

Wow, OP, are you really planning to keep your future children away from their grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins?? If so, that is pretty awful.

Since you're willing to marry into the family, they can't be that bad.

I agree with AKL MEGS, Sleepy and DVC-OKW-96.

Actually sometimes its in the childrens best interest.

 

[dismom2]

Maybe she will be resentful later on, as well. It goes both ways.

If it's as bad as you say, and this is ruining your holidays, I don't see why you have to even go. You don't have to keep him from his family....let him go, but you are not 'obligated' to go every time. You have a right to enjoy your holidays,too. And you should definately not be obligated to be around them "every weekend"--that's a bit extreme; you do have a life, too. And I think your husband should respect you as well, and not force you to be in a miserable situation so often. He needs to compromise with you, too. I spent many times being subjected to certain in-laws that were horrible to be around (rude behavior, way too much/constant at times drinking, back-stabbing each other, excluding certain people from conversations and situations, putting up with verbal and emotional abuse from the mother, etc....) , and after many years, I decided that my needs and happiness were important, too, and I decided not to subject myself to that misery anymore---except on rare occasions. And you know what? I am so much happier now.
If it's not too bad, go sometimes, but don't let anyone tell you that you are "obligated" to participate every time. By the way, where does your family fit into this picture? Oh, and I agree---these people will not change, so best to nip this in the bud now.

 

[Scurvy]

That seems like an unhealthy and immature way to look at the family dynamics. Your spouse/intended can easily have a partner in life who is the beginning and end to him/her without needing to reduce the significance of his familial relationships.

Jealousy of a family member is unhealthy and inappropriate. Recognize that your DH/spouse/partner loves the birth family for all their ways that seem to be inappropriate to you. Those "ways" may simply be different than what you are used to.

I can not tell you how much I agree with this! So often I see people who don't like their future inlaws, know that their future spouse is very close to them, and assume that will change after the wedding. There is no reason to expect that. And I think it's very unwise to go into a marriage expecting something like that. This is the sort of situation where communication is very important. You each need to know how the other feels about things like holidays and how much time you'll spend with your families before you get married. You need to know if you can work out a compromise that will leave you both happy, because the alternative can be years of unhappiness and resentment or an ugly divorce.

I am very close to my family, and my husband knew that when we were dating. We talked about it, and he knew that even though I wouldn't insist on spending every holiday with my family it was important to me to spend lots of time with them - especially since my mother has a fairly serious medical condition. If he wasn't okay with that he could have walked away, but fortunately he was. When he got married we formed our own family, but my husband also became part of my parents' family. And that happens with many couples. There's nothing wrong with that! If my husband had intended to marry me and then move us 1000 miles away to avoid seeing my family, or he had planned to refuse to let our children see my family, that would have been the end of the relationship because clearly we would not have been compatible.

 

[dismom2]

.


Since you're willing to marry into the family, they can't be that bad.

.

This makes no sense at all. Just because you love an individual does not mean his family isn't "that bad". And remember, some people do not even know their in-law's when they date, and even marry someone. If you meet someone and they live in a different state than their family/parents, you might not get a chance to get to know them. Do people marry without knowing the family? Yes! Can someone love thier partner or spouse but not like their family? Of course. Do they have to be 'obligated' to spend every weekend and holiday with people who make them really unhappy? I don't think so. The spouse should be able to handle spending time with his family without subjecting her to do so every time. Who said everything had to be done as a couple? Compromise (that means on both sides).

 

[rie'smom]

All I can say OP is work it out before you get married. DH and I have never had this problem because we decided how we'd handle before we were married. It upset our families at first but it has worked.
Your DF will want to spend time with his family. He probably doesn't think your family is a prize either. Accept it and work with it.

 

[joyjoy]

(it is BTW, all their fault).

Sorry, that struck me as quite funny.

Good luck, I hated my in-laws, too. A couple of Thanksgivings in a row I volunteered to serve T'giving dinner at a homeless shelter just to get away from them.

I unloaded the lot of them along with the husband.

 

[DVC Sadie]

Just know going in that your DF is never, ever going to change no matter how much you want him to.

I don't know how many times I've seen people who thought that they could change someone after they got married. Realistically it rarely works out how they planned or imagined.

Maybe premarital counseling would be in order to iron out some issues before saying I Do. Just food for thought.

 

[castleview]

Actually sometimes its in the childrens best interest.

I agree. I've had to limit my kids' time with the cousins. Overall they are good kids, but their parents have a different parenting style then us and not everything they do is acceptable behavior in our opinion. For instance, teaching three and four year olds to toilet paper houses on mischief night is a little weird to me.

 

[RainbowBrite]

Wow, OP, are you really planning to keep your future children away from their grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins?? If so, that is pretty awful.


Since you're willing to marry into the family, they can't be that bad.

I agree with AKL MEGS, Sleepy and DVC-OKW-96.

SO not true. I married into a family that, in some cases, really ARE that bad. I didn't like my in-laws at first either, but that has changed. Yes, they have their faults but I love them now. My brother-in-law, however...well, our kids will probably never know him. But that is another story.