VENT!!! why can't people mind their own business

[cheermom1]

I was wondering where your question was coming from because I didn't see where anyone told you that. This is just a guess & not a judgment, but could someone in the past have told you you should treat your stepkids better than you do, not meaning better than your biological kids & you just misunderstood?

NO it was clear that they thought I should treat step kids better period.

 

[cabanafrau]

I don't think you should treat his kids better than yours, but I do think they should all be treated fairly. Fair doesn't mean equal. You said you spent your money to buy your kids cars. But if any of your dh's income goes towards supporting your kids ( and you know it does) then the reality is you spent family money.

Now your step kids are already getting cars so your are 100% right that it makes no sense to buy them more cars, but in there eyes, big money was spent on your kids but not them. They don't care what paycheck the money came from, because you are all a family (by your own admission). To them (imature kids) dad's new family rates better. I'm not saying they are right, but look at it through thier eyes. I'm not saying indulge them and run out buy them new cars, but think about how all the MY money, MY kids is percieved by them. Would you want your kids in a similar situation?

I don't treat my kids equally, I've said that before many times. But I am fair...things even out.

I started telling my girls that things even out over time when we'd head out shopping when they were really young and too young to leave at home & didn't want to come along & we weren't shopping for them. They were told at the start, today we're shopping for X, Y and Z. That's what mommy has to get done at the store.

It was really an issue if someone didn't want to go & we were shopping for something for the sister. Occasionally the little darlings would decide their payment for coming along & cooperating would be getting them something too. No. Just because today's shopping is all about your sister is only because she's grown 2 inches & all of her pants are too short, etc. When you need stuff for your camp trip, your shoes are too small, etc., then it's your turn.

Over time, it does all even out. It's not the same, but it's the same level of getting what you need when you need it.

 

[wvjules]

IMO, step-children shouldn't be made to feel like step-children. Things won't always be equal but they should be fair. This "his", "mine", is creating a further divide between your families.

NO it was clear that they thought I should treat step kids better period.

Could you please find where someone said that? I find it hard to believe.

 

[cabanafrau]

NO it was clear that they thought I should treat step kids better period.

That's not healthy either. Best for everyone to be treated with the same level of concern and respect, that way they all feel they're just part of the family, period.

 

[Magic Mom]

But you see who said anything about it not evening out in the end? I never said we weren't ever going to do anything for the step kids on their 16th bdays, in fact do believe I said the opposite. But the thing I was getting at is that the biomom nor did a lot of people here give dh a chance for it to even out, It was assumed that dh was going to get nothing for his kids. I think that is what I was upset about the most. On top of the fact that I as venting about biomom thinking we should buy the boys a car on top of the car aunt is buying them. These are the things I was venting about the most.

ETA: the fact still remains that we have 2 years before oldest is 16 so why does this have to be assumed before it even happens by biomom and others that dh is going to let his kids hang and give them nothing. I mean it hasn't even happened yet? Dh has never not gotten his anything for their bdays or anything else for that matter.

They aren't even close to 16. That's like a million years in kid time. You can't expect them to be mature enough to say "Oh, probably in 4-5 years dad will do the same for me." You didn't get my point. Think about this from their perspective. Imagine if your kids at 11-12-14 were in this kind of family tug of war/step sibling comparison. How would you feel? Big money ( in their eyes) was spent on some but not all and the delineation for the have and have nots is YOUR kids vs. HIS kids. Can you not see how that might make them feel "less than?"

 

[cheermom1]

They aren't even close to 16. That's like a million years in kid time. You can't expect them to be mature enough to say "Oh, probably in 4-5 years dad will do the same for me." You didn't get my point. Think about this from their perspective. Imagine if your kids at 11-12-14 were in this kind of family tug of war/step sibling comparison. How would you feel? Big money ( in their eyes) was spent on some but not all and the delineation for the have and have nots is YOUR kids vs. HIS kids. Can you not see how that might make them feel "less than?"

I would and have told my kids that their time will come period. It started with my sister which 5 years older than my dd and dd thought she could do the something as my sis. I told dd that sis is older and that when dd is that age she can do those things and have the same things as sis. (we did go through it with sis getting her car and dd wanted one) sis and dd are very close since sis was only 5 when dd was born and we lived with my parents for a while. When dd got her car ds asked me about it and told him the same thing when he gets that age his time will come too. I have never said it is my kids vs his never ever. Biomom is the one doing that not me. I do wish some of you could understand that. I have never ever been in competition with her and never will be. I only know about the cars b/c as all kids are they were excited and told everyone. Plus dh told me what they talked about and the choice they made. I have never made them feel less than and if I have it was pointed out and I corrected it. We don;t separate the kids when we have them, we introduce them as all our kids and when people ask how may kids I say 5. Biomom is the one that puts in their heads that they are better than us and always will be and she made that division. I remember one time ss told me and my kids that he is better and better dressed than us b/c his mom buys his clothes at the mall and was very smug about it. I didn't take that to heart b/c I knew where it came from. Dh did let him know that was unacceptable to talk and think like that. i didn't say anything but let dh handle the whole thing. That is what I'm talking about when I say biomom created the division not me. It is an all the time thing.

 

[wdwfan16]

I truly don't know. I met dh while he was living with him mom long after they were done. That would be the only reason I could think of b/c they weren't completely divorced. However they were already in proceedings and dh's lawyer told him soon after we met that it should have been done and over with looooonnnngggg before than. The ex kept it going and going and going for a very long time.

And no the 4 wheeler didn't run I got it from my sis.

I do have a question b/c I am truly curious to all the ones who says that stepmoms should treat their step kids better than their own from a previous marriage. It would only be right if stepdads treat their stepkids better than his own? what is good for one should be good for the other right? I am truly wanting the answer to that question.

Personally I wouldn't expect my dh to treat my kids better than his own and therefore he doesn't expect me to treat his better than mine.

Show me who said that. You can't, because nobody said that.

Many said to treat them fair. Fair is not better.

And yes both stepparents should treat all the kids fair.

 

[KiKi Mouse]

Maybe you could start by referring to the "biomom" as "their mother". Do the kids hear you or DH referring to her as that (or worse)?
Think about how this affects all the kids long term.

 

[cheermom1]

Maybe you could start by referring to the "biomom" as "their mother". Do the kids hear you or DH referring to her as that (or worse)?
Think about how this affects all the kids long term.

No I don't refer to her like that around the kids geez people seem to think I'm stupid or something. this is a mess board and I was trying to be constituent and not say her name. good grief. Talk about being petty and picking on stupid crap.

 

[wdwfan16]

But you see who said anything about it not evening out in the end? I never said we weren't ever going to do anything for the step kids on their 16th bdays, in fact do believe I said the opposite. But the thing I was getting at is that the biomom nor did a lot of people here give dh a chance for it to even out, It was assumed that dh was going to get nothing for his kids. I think that is what I was upset about the most. On top of the fact that I as venting about biomom thinking we should buy the boys a car on top of the car aunt is buying them. These are the things I was venting about the most.

ETA: the fact still remains that we have 2 years before oldest is 16 so why does this have to be assumed before it even happens by biomom and others that dh is going to let his kids hang and give them nothing. I mean it hasn't even happened yet? Dh has never not gotten his anything for their bdays or anything else for that matter.

Because you have already done this in the past. You have said you kids get more on Christmas because the stepsons get two Christmases. So you do less for them and the ex has already seen it.

 

[cheermom1]

Because you have already done this in the past. You have said you kids get more on Christmas because the stepsons get two Christmases. So you do less for them and the ex has already seen it.

I do less my dh doesn't.

 

[NHdisneylover]

NO it was clear that they thought I should treat step kids better period.

ok but nowhere to I (or apparently others) get this vibe. Can you please quote a few places where what was said does indicate this to you? I do think it was/is clear that many people feel, based on your posts, that you do not treat your stepsons fairly and that has upset you, but I cannot find any case that seems to say that they should be treated better than your other children. I am asking for specifics because now I am begining to wonder if you read too much into what is said--like if you are exagerating coments here into that then perhaps you exaggerate what your DHs ex says sometimes too, without even realizing it--you know maybe you hear what you expect to hear and not what is really said maybe I am totally off base, but it does seem you have twisted words, and changed your story a bit throughout the thread without even realizing what you are doing, so it might be something to slow down and think about when speaking to your kids other mom.

Not in thread specifically but it has been said to me on other threads and to other people on here as well. I was just wondering is all.

I would generally assume that if you are referring to things other people have said to you in other threads you would point that out in the post. Otherwise it did come out like you were accusing all (or some I guess) of us of advocating being so unjust to children.

 

[lovemygoofy]

I would and have told my kids that their time will come period. It started with my sister which 5 years older than my dd and dd thought she could do the something as my sis. I told dd that sis is older and that when dd is that age she can do those things and have the same things as sis. (we did go through it with sis getting her car and dd wanted one) sis and dd are very close since sis was only 5 when dd was born and we lived with my parents for a while. When dd got her car ds asked me about it and told him the same thing when he gets that age his time will come too. I have never said it is my kids vs his never ever. Biomom is the one doing that not me. I do wish some of you could understand that. I have never ever been in competition with her and never will be. I only know about the cars b/c as all kids are they were excited and told everyone. Plus dh told me what they talked about and the choice they made. I have never made them feel less than and if I have it was pointed out and I corrected it. We don;t separate the kids when we have them, we introduce them as all our kids and when people ask how may kids I say 5. Biomom is the one that puts in their heads that they are better than us and always will be and she made that division. I remember one time ss told me and my kids that he is better and better dressed than us b/c his mom buys his clothes at the mall and was very smug about it. I didn't take that to heart b/c I knew where it came from. Dh did let him know that was unacceptable to talk and think like that. i didn't say anything but let dh handle the whole thing. That is what I'm talking about when I say biomom created the division not me. It is an all the time thing.

I, like alot of others that have read several of your threads, found this paragraph interesting. I can only imagine that somewhere in the internet world there is an exwife complaining about a stepmom and could probably use the same pargraph.

Naturally I believe that ALL the children should be treated the same in your household. I careless about the cars and the money but the treatment. I think something that you struggle with is trying to compensate for two parents because you have repeatedly said that it is different because your children don't have a father in the picture and you have to take up slack for that. Honestly, I think you have to quit feeling guilty or whatever and just be the mom. This comes from a girl who grew up with a single mom, dirt poor and never a dad in the picture.

I've also read how you parent your children, your husband parents his children and never does one cross that barrier of his or yours. I can only imagine how inconsistent that is when all 5 children are in the house especially with spending money, like the cars, or bedtimes or a nighttime curfew if ya'll are parenting seperately.

Can you see how all the his or yours can cause conflict? I think it was you that made the comment that if something ever happened to you, your children would have no one. That's pretty sad that you don't think of your husband as a backup parent or that some kind of family wasn't created within all of your family. I understand that drama is created and happens and some people are just trouble makers but I think ya'll just chose the easier path of yours and his instead of the proverbial ours.

I became a stepchild at 18 and abruptly had 3 siblings: 2 older brothers and a younger sister. If I could have wished them into the ocean, they'd been floating long ago. I told my stepddad to kiss my behind and all kinds of others things. In the end though he treated me like all his other kids. I received love and punishment from him. I knew he would be there for me rain or shine because my mom and he waded through the trouble and the fighting and the crazy ex and cared enough to make us all one family. No doubt it wasn't easy but I'm thankful they though it was worth it.

 

[Silent1CB]

I posted this somewhere back on page 2 or 3. For something that the OP wanted people to mind their own business about, its pretty funny this thread is up to 15 pages and OP is still posting.

If its no one elses business, why start a thread about it?

 

[DizBelle]

Tell biomom that your aunt bought the cars for your kids and call it a day.


"Biomom", "skids", whatever... They're just shorthand. Don't get caught up in the terms used. They don't necessarily have any meaning beyond being a reference to someone.

 

[LiberalPrincess]

I do less my dh doesn't.

And that is the message right there that you are sending to the boys. You deliberately give them less than your own kids. This is not about things evening out, this is your choice. That is a specific and deliberate division among the families. And not a lot different than what you chastised your mom about doing to the boys. I still find that odd. Again, when you married their father, you knew he had kids. You took on the responsibility of marrying into a family. And treating your kids better is a deliberate choice you are making. And, it is your choice, and this is simply my opinion about it.

 

[MajorThomasina]

This whole thread is probably way out of my league since I'm not a parent myself. However, I do have a stepsister who generally has a resentment towards me because I was treated "better" when we were younger. The grudge and bitterness is still there. What my stepsister fails to realize is that we were both given the same opportunities when the time came. My sister just chose not to take it and get in trouble instead. No other opportunities came her way after she proved that she would not appreciate them. This is the difference between "fair" and "equal" when dealing with children period (regardless of who's blood related or not).

I have read nearly every single post in this thread. What I have found is that both types of parenting styles work based on how their family is. PPs are arguing that "blended families" work best while others are saying the opposite. In truth, no one knows for sure what works best for OP. OP has to figure that out for herself.

OP, it seems to me that while your system has worked out in the beginning, it's now hitting some snags. Perhaps you should try to adjust everything (not just the cars) or come up with something new with DH. As some PPs have said, counseling and/or therapy seems best. Since your DH's ex is preventing you from including your stepchildren, I think it's best to see the therapist as a couple. I also believe that sitting down with your stepsons and asking how they feel is also a great idea, as you have suggested.

Bottom line: How you parent your kids is entirely up to you and your DH. I don't think the ex should be involved, but if you want her included to keep the peace, so be it.

I think you should just ignore the PPs who are demanding straight up facts and then turning them against you when you give them. They are not helping in the slightest. Don't try to please them, because they'll never be satisfied. You don't have to prove anything to anyone, especially about how you love and raise your kids.

Take any advice as you see fit, and vent as much as you want. Some of us ARE listening!

 

[JoiseyMom]

Ask yourself this, after being married to your husband for seven years, and being a step mom for seven years, what do you think made your mom think it was okay to tell the boys that she wouldn't be getting them anything? Why do you think she felt comfortable saying such mean things to your step children? After however many years, doesn't it seem like your families would have blended more? I can only speak from experience, but my parents consider my step kids their grandchildren. Did it happen instantly? Probably not, but the attitude of both my husband and myself about family made that possible, in fact, mandatory. I can no more imagine my family saying something so mean-spirited to my step kids than I can imagine them running through the streets naked. I wouldn't have to fight afterward, because that kind of attitude would never be accepted in our house. Did you ever consider that your attitude (and perhaps venting) made a similar attitude in your mother towards the boys? And, again, that is simply not right.

You are making quite an assumption here. She can't control how her mom feels and wants to do. She can stop her mom from giving her kids stuff and not the step kids. Her moms feeling is her moms feelings, even if they are not waht most ppl would feel.

I am in my second marriage I brought 2 DS's into it. It is my DH's first marriage and we have 2 kids togther. My in-laws welcomed my kids as their own, as did DH. My ex is not a factor in our lives and never has been. Now, my DH's GM was another story. At the beginning she NEVER thought of my kids as "her" family, so much so that my mil walked out of a dinner ina restaurant because of something she said. Now today, my eldest DS is this women's absoulte favorite!! LOL.

The villian here isn't the OP, it is the bio mom. I am sure OP has done her share of not so great things, but who here on the Dis is perfect???

From everything I have read, OP loves her stepkids and gives them things when she can, and wants to do more, but the stepkids get into trouble becuase of the psycho bio mom!! OP backs off to make sure the kids aren't hurt by the bio mom. THe kids only brag about what they have and maybe want more cause of the poison from bio mom. It is hard to fight that, and the best thing for them would be a change in custody, but OP said they looked into that and it would be very hard, almost impossible and very detrimental to the kids. She is in a bad position. The step kids are gonna be the losers, but the bio mom is the one to blame.

There is nothing wrong with a couple having his money, her money and joint money.

Where does it say all kids are to be treated equal?? I have 2 older brothers, and I got more as a kid then they did (big age gap 7 and 10 years), because my parents had more money when I was a kid.

Now, my younger two have gotten more then my older 2, why?? More money. Should I not take my younger 2 kids to WDW because my older 2 kids only went once? SHould I never take my younger 2 on a cruise because my older 2 never went?

My oldest got my 1990 Geo when he was 17, his brother got a car from my DHs grandfather (I can't remember th emake or model since he totaled it under 6 months). I am sure my DD14 will get a car when she is 17 and it will be a new model then either DS had. Is that fair?? Maybe not, but it is life.

My DH has one brother, and technically we get more from his parents because we have children and he doesn't (and doesn't plan on it). SHould my in-laws give my bil an equal check inthe amount they gave my kids for their bdays?

What is it with the DIS and attacking ppl. The OP came here to vent over the step mom notminding her own business on an issue that isn't an issue for another 2 years. And whatever the OP buys her kids is none of the bio moms business. I feel bad for the OP and her DH and more so for her stepkids for having a horrible wack job for a mother.

 

[JoiseyMom]

And that is the message right there that you are sending to the boys. You deliberately give them less than your own kids. This is not about things evening out, this is your choice. That is a specific and deliberate division among the families. And not a lot different than what you chastised your mom about doing to the boys. I still find that odd. Again, when you married their father, you knew he had kids. You took on the responsibility of marrying into a family. And treating your kids better is a deliberate choice you are making. And, it is your choice, and this is simply my opinion about it.

Oh please!! Why?????? Lets say she and DH give all the kids 50.00 worth of stuff for xmas. Bio mom gives her kids (OP step kids) 50.00 worth of stuff. Now the step kids have 50.00 more then OP's kids. What is wrong with OP giving her kids an extra 50.00 worth of stuff from her?? NOTHING!!!! THat makes it even.

If you keep insisting that she give her kids no extras, then the Step kids are getting more, because they get from DH and their biomom (who is using child support for it). Why shouldn't OP give her kids more ??? There is nothing wrong with that. THere is no bio dad for her kids to get from, so she gives it to them. Would it be better if she said well bio dad woulda have spejt that much .

You guys act like she feeds her kids filet mignon and give the step kids dog poop!! OP bought her kids cars from the 1980s....they are antiques (I think 20 years for a car qualifies). Now, if the step kids get a new car from their aunt in 2 years, is it ok for OP to get her kid a better car? Come on ppl...get REAL!! THe step kids are getting the shaft from the bio mom who isn't allowing another person to love and nurture them and who is using her kids as pawns to hurt her ex for moving on andhaving a life and being happy!!

Hey op, next time the step kids are over, remember to count every grain of rice so that they all get an equal share!!

 

[Aisling]

Hey op, next time the step kids are over, remember to count every grain of rice so that they all get an equal share!!

I agree with your post, by the way.