VENT!!! why can't people mind their own business

[Disneyadore]

I really like the "I am holier than you "attitude from some posters.
We all don't know what is the reason behind the behavior of the OP nor can we walk in her shoes.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

I never said nor implied you were an "evil" step mom. I also said that you have "technically" done nothing wrong. I also neve said things must be equal. Fair, yes...but not equal. Equal is not always fair. Thus in your predicament....a car does t fix the problem. This is because the car is not a problem.

You have stated that this mom drives you to anger because she butts her nose in where it doesn't belong. You clearly do not like her and that is likely justified. You jus
must always be very careful that not one blip of your discontent comes across to your step children. It's the ol'...I can talk about my momma, but you can't.

As for me...I'm an only with my dad...my stepmom doesn't have children. So I don't have a dog in your fight to defend your step sons against your other children.

I'm simply providing the perspective that kids aren't dumb and may be picking up way more than you think. You've done an awful lot to defend yourself her. Folks have suggested what you could do and you seem to take it as a slap in the face that you must be evil. It's a shame that it is implied that you won't go to counseling because it is a sign you are wrong. It isn't. But based on your responses, that is what I am sensing.

Anyway--I don't think you are evil. Far from it. But like the rest of us I. This world, we can all be wise to seek to improve as we are all imperfect.

I am still confused as to how you know how I really am an evil stepmom??? From just the posts I post here? Well then you have another thing coming b/c I post here to vent that is all. That is why it seems that way, I did say that before. You and no one else here really knows how I live my life and how I treat my step kids in real life. As an example my mom and I got into really hard core one day b/c she thought it was a good idea to give my kids a gift in front of the boys and got them nothing and told them that she won;t get them anything. That was WRONG and it still makes me mad to think about it and we really had a bad fight about it. I fight for those kids and always have and always will. I am the one that makes sure they get new clothes and stuff for their rooms and things for our house. If it were up to dh him being a male just doesn't think about that stuff. So If I am so evil I wouldn't make sure they have the same things as my kids do in their rooms or clothes and stuff for our house. I even made sure they have their own beach towel for when we go swimming with their names on them again that was me!

 

[cabanafrau]

I really like the "I am holier than you "attitude from some posters.
We all don't know what is the reason behind the behavior of the OP nor can we walk in her shoes.

I think it's okay to disagree, question, etc. & not assume it's a slam against anybody. It's just a discussion -- one that's no doubt sometimes hindered & sometimes enlightened because it's happening in writing. It's okay to disagree or question w/o making it a battle.

I love blue, don't love hot sticky weather, don't watch lots of sports, like all kinds of music, etc.

If you're passionate about basketball, are a jazz purist & could never fathom living someplace where it snows, it's all good w/ me. Maybe talking w/ you can give me a new appreciation for some of those things.

Having a different opinion or disagreeing is A-ok in my book. Sometimes it's good to look at things from a different angle.

 

[phorsenuf]

No they don't need to make things equal, what the OP does for her own children without financial assistance from her dh does not have to be equally done for his children by him, and if it was going to, then its the DH who needs to make that dedcision and do it for his children, not the OP. What really needs to happen is the dad and the bio-mom need to sit down with their own children and explain how things work, or come up with a plan on how to handle situations like this come up for their children.

My guess though is that she has all this extra money available for her kids because she (and her kids) are being supported by her husband. If she was paying 100% of the household bills I bet things would be different.

 

[luvmy3]

My guess though is that she has all this extra money available for her kids because she (and her kids) are being supported by her husband. If she was paying 100% of the household bills I bet things would be different.

She pays half of their bills, so she is doing just as much "supporting", also if the dh is paying support to his bio-kids, then since the OP is married to him she is also supporting them financially.

 

[cheermom1]

She pays half of their bills, so she is doing just as much "supporting", also if the dh is paying support to his bio-kids, then since the OP is married to him she is also supporting them financially.

Thank you. I don't make as much as my dh does but I still pay half. And my kids pay for their own gas and ins. and maintenance on their cars. I did a LOT of trading of different things I had (4 wheelers and such) to get the cars so very little actual monies was spent.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

She pays half of their bills, so she is doing just as much "supporting", also if the dh is paying support to his bio-kids, then since the OP is married to him she is also supporting them financially.

But her family is 3/4 of the household?

 

[cheermom1]

But her family is 3/4 of the household?

um no we are not b/c we supply everything the boys need at house too. Plus when they are here extra food (and they eat a lot which again is fine they are big boys) and utilities and such which fine no biggie. Just stated the facts. It was made very clear from the beginning that the boys wouldn't be bring clothes or anything of the like to our house. Ok fine again no biggie I make sure they have what they need and some wants here as well. So again just saying that we are not 3/4 of the household.

 

[luvmy3]

But her family is 3/4 of the household?

I guess than they should divvy up the bills according to what everyone uses, including when the OPs stepsons come over, and they can pay according to that. The OP and her dh have a system where they each pay half of the bills, if their system works for them then the amount of people in the household really shouldn't matter to the DISers

My point was that, the OP contributes financialy to her family (yes, including her stepdses), and if her and her dh have their system that works for them, and they each have their own money to do what they choose to after all the bills are paid, then its not our business, or our place to tell her that its "their" money. If she chooses to use that money to purchase her kids a car, so what. If teh dh chooses to use his money on a car for his kids, or a hunting trip, or a new computer, so what, its the way they have their household set and it works for them, who are we to nit pick about their finances and the way we think it should be run?

 

[cheermom1]

I guess than they should divvy up the bills according to what everyone uses, including when the OPs stepsons come over, and they can pay according to that. The OP and her dh have a system where they each pay half of the bills, if their system works for them then the amount of people in the household really shouldn't matter to the DISers

My point was that, the OP contributes financialy to her family (yes, including her stepdses), and if her and her dh have their system that works for them, and they each have their own money to do what they choose to after all the bills are paid, then its not our business, or our place to tell her that its "their" money. If she chooses to use that money to purchase her kids a car, so what. If teh dh chooses to use his money on a car for his kids, or a hunting trip, or a new computer, so what, its the way they have their household set and it works for them, who are we to nit pick about their finances and the way we think it should be run?

Thank you so much luvmy3 you have been so sweet. I have said before to other people for other things in different threads that what works for one family may not work for another. There so too many things involved that we couldn't possibly make everyone happy but have to do what is going to make most happy in our family.

The way we things have things set is the best possible thing we can do under the situation we have. Meaning mainly that biomom has a fit and no one is happy and it is really bad for the boys when she does that, we choose to keep the peace this way FOR the boys. plus this way dh and I don't fight about if he gives more money beyond his child support and med. stuff, so he can choose to give her his money if he wants too. And I can make sure there is enough money so my kids can have clothes and shoes and the things they need as well. If not dh has a tendency to give her more money than we have and then our bills don't get paid let alone anything left for household stuff. Dh did see he was giving more money than we could and he said to keep it separate to keep him in check. I don't mind dh giving her money more than CS at all but when we don't have money left to pay the bills that is a problem.

 

[wdwfan16]

Thank you. I don't make as much as my dh does but I still pay half. And my kids pay for their own gas and ins. and maintenance on their cars. I did a LOT of trading of different things I had (4 wheelers and such) to get the cars so very little actual monies was spent.

Who bought the 4 wheeler and other stuff that you sold to buy the cars?


Were the steps allowed to use the 4 wheeler when you had it? Maybe they did not want to see it gone to get your kids cars?

 

[phorsenuf]

Just curious but why does the ex hate you so much? I can understand maybe a little animosity but it seems like so much more than that.

 

[livie1205]

Just curious but why does the ex hate you so much? I can understand maybe a little animosity but it seems like so much more than that.

maybe wishes she had not thrown away the life she had...that happens alot with men and women..envy does that..she sounds very bitter to not want their stepmom to do ANYTHING for her kids.My dh ex would never say that because then she would have to do all those things she dont want to be bothered with.

 

[cheermom1]

Just curious but why does the ex hate you so much? I can understand maybe a little animosity but it seems like so much more than that.

I truly don't know. I met dh while he was living with him mom long after they were done. That would be the only reason I could think of b/c they weren't completely divorced. However they were already in proceedings and dh's lawyer told him soon after we met that it should have been done and over with looooonnnngggg before than. The ex kept it going and going and going for a very long time.

And no the 4 wheeler didn't run I got it from my sis.

I do have a question b/c I am truly curious to all the ones who says that stepmoms should treat their step kids better than their own from a previous marriage. It would only be right if stepdads treat their stepkids better than his own? what is good for one should be good for the other right? I am truly wanting the answer to that question.

Personally I wouldn't expect my dh to treat my kids better than his own and therefore he doesn't expect me to treat his better than mine.

 

[NHdisneylover]

I do have a question b/c I am truly curious to all the ones who says that stepmoms should treat their step kids better than their own from a previous marriage. It would only be right if stepdads treat their stepkids better than his own? what is good for one should be good for the other right? I am truly wanting the answer to that question.

Personally I wouldn't expect my dh to treat my kids better than his own and therefore he doesn't expect me to treat his better than mine.

Can you quote someone who said this? I truly do not recall (and on a quick scan missed it) anyone saying you should treat your step children BETTER--only that you should take pains not to treat them any worse.

 

[wvjules]

I truly don't know. I met dh while he was living with him mom long after they were done. That would be the only reason I could think of b/c they weren't completely divorced. However they were already in proceedings and dh's lawyer told him soon after we met that it should have been done and over with looooonnnngggg before than. The ex kept it going and going and going for a very long time.

And no the 4 wheeler didn't run I got it from my sis.

I do have a question b/c I am truly curious to all the ones who says that stepmoms should treat their step kids better than their own from a previous marriage. It would only be right if stepdads treat their stepkids better than his own? what is good for one should be good for the other right? I am truly wanting the answer to that question.

Personally I wouldn't expect my dh to treat my kids better than his own and therefore he doesn't expect me to treat his better than mine.

Who is saying that the step-kids should be treated better? They should be treated the SAME!

It's like you are two seperate families living as roommates instead of as a family unit.

 

[cheermom1]

Can you quote someone who said this? I truly do not recall (and on a quick scan missed it) anyone saying you should treat your step children BETTER--only that you should take pains not to treat them any worse.

Not in thread specifically but it has been said to me on other threads and to other people on here as well. I was just wondering is all.

 

[Magic Mom]

I truly don't know. I met dh while he was living with him mom long after they were done. That would be the only reason I could think of b/c they weren't completely divorced. However they were already in proceedings and dh's lawyer told him soon after we met that it should have been done and over with looooonnnngggg before than. The ex kept it going and going and going for a very long time.

And no the 4 wheeler didn't run I got it from my sis.

I do have a question b/c I am truly curious to all the ones who says that stepmoms should treat their step kids better than their own from a previous marriage. It would only be right if stepdads treat their stepkids better than his own? what is good for one should be good for the other right? I am truly wanting the answer to that question.

Personally I wouldn't expect my dh to treat my kids better than his own and therefore he doesn't expect me to treat his better than mine.

I don't think you should treat his kids better than yours, but I do think they should all be treated fairly. Fair doesn't mean equal. You said you spent your money to buy your kids cars. But if any of your dh's income goes towards supporting your kids ( and you know it does) then the reality is you spent family money.

Now your step kids are already getting cars so your are 100% right that it makes no sense to buy them more cars, but in there eyes, big money was spent on your kids but not them. They don't care what paycheck the money came from, because you are all a family (by your own admission). To them (imature kids) dad's new family rates better. I'm not saying they are right, but look at it through thier eyes. I'm not saying indulge them and run out buy them new cars, but think about how all the MY money, MY kids is percieved by them. Would you want your kids in a similar situation?

I don't treat my kids equally, I've said that before many times. But I am fair...things even out.

 

[cheermom1]

I don't think you should treat his kids better than yours, but I do think they should all be treated fairly. Fair doesn't mean equal. You said you spent your money to buy your kids cars. But if any of your dh's income goes towards supporting your kids ( and you know it does) then the reality is you spent family money.

Now your step kids are already getting cars so your are 100% right that it makes no sense to buy them more cars, but in there eyes, big money was spent on your kids but not them. They don't care what paycheck the money came from, because you are all a family (by your own admission). To them (imature kids) dad's new family rates better. I'm not saying they are right, but look at it through thier eyes. I'm not saying indulge them and run out buy them new cars, but think about how all the MY money, MY kids is percieved by them. Would you want your kids in a similar situation?

I don't treat my kids equally, I've said that before many times. But I am fair...things even out.

But you see who said anything about it not evening out in the end? I never said we weren't ever going to do anything for the step kids on their 16th bdays, in fact do believe I said the opposite. But the thing I was getting at is that the biomom nor did a lot of people here give dh a chance for it to even out, It was assumed that dh was going to get nothing for his kids. I think that is what I was upset about the most. On top of the fact that I as venting about biomom thinking we should buy the boys a car on top of the car aunt is buying them. These are the things I was venting about the most.

ETA: the fact still remains that we have 2 years before oldest is 16 so why does this have to be assumed before it even happens by biomom and others that dh is going to let his kids hang and give them nothing. I mean it hasn't even happened yet? Dh has never not gotten his anything for their bdays or anything else for that matter.

 

[cabanafrau]

Not in thread specifically but it has been said to me on other threads and to other people on here as well. I was just wondering is all.

I was wondering where your question was coming from because I didn't see where anyone told you that. This is just a guess & not a judgment, but could someone in the past have told you you should treat your stepkids better than you do, not meaning better than your biological kids & you just misunderstood?