VENT!!! why can't people mind their own business

[cheermom1]

2 cars per kid is nuts.

It gets very tricky w/ blended families to make sure all of the kids grow up feeling equally important as the others and love from all of the parental figures. Sometimes there are issues w/ full-blooded siblings living in the home w/ their own birth parents. All kids need to learn that equal and same are different words and the goal is to make sure that everyone has what they need, hopefully w/ something left over to provide some of the wants for each.

If a car isn't needed because they will have another, maybe your DH can take the money & put it towards their college funds, being sure to let his kids know directly & precisely why. As long as the kids understand dad wants to do the best for them & follows through, it won't matter what anyone else has to say.

thank you I have said before dh has been planning for their 16th bdays. I was venting b/c biomom thinks we should buy them another car. that was when I ripped a part b/c I thought it was nuts of her to think that. But I never said we won;t do anything for their 16th bdays either. no one has given us that chance b/c the oldest ss still has 2 years to go.

 

[DeluxePrincess]

Yes I';m married to dh have been for almost 7 years I don;t know where she got that from.

Stepson got the truck before you were in the picture. So your stepson was given a truck at age 7? I better not show this thread to my DD10.

 

[luvsJack]

Thank you LovesJack you truly understand. I do hope your son didn't have as much trouble as my step kids do that they have with their mom. I wasn't meaning you but in general.
At the same time I don;t think anyone would agree I should make aunt buy my kids a car b/c if she buys for 1 shouldn't she have to buy for all??? Um no I don;t expect her to so Y would they expect me to buy another car for the boys just b/c i bought one for my kids even though the boys will be getting a car anyway. So either way you slice it the boys will either have 2 cars or 1 car. and they should only have 1 car right? As I have said the aunt buying the boys car is not my call it is their parents whom have already agreed to aunt buying the cars. The problem I was having is that biomom still expects us to buy a car the boys even though the boys will already get a car from aunt so according to her the boys should get 2. I am still failing to see how the boys getting 2 cars is fair.

You're welcome . My kid's problems with their dad were totally different than any of this. They just wanted their dad to spend time with them and go see their ball games and such.

The only problem we had like this was with the step-mom thinking that somehow my dad and me and dh should help out with providing things for HER son. :confused Never did understand that one. But she was really jealous of my sons' relationship with their grandfather and somehow thought her son should be able to be a part of that.






I don't get what the other posters here think you should have done. I agree with you that it seems like they think you should buy your step-sons a car even though they are already getting one. Everything is not going to always be completely equal. And there are much better ways of your husband showing his sons how much he loves them than buying them something.

If he is there for them--that is the most important thing. .

 

[Christine]

I have said that I will sit them down and have an open discussion with them about this. I don't want them to feel left out but at the same time they need to understand that getting 2 cars is not fair.

Correct, two cars per kid is stupid. But I thought from reading that they knew that. The issue (from what I could tell) was their perception that the their step-siblings were getting something from their dad (i.e., YOU) that they weren't. They would prefer something that their dad contributes to. No doubt that they are jealous of what they perceive as their dad contributing a car to other children. That's all I was trying to show you. I don't think their dad should buy them a car when they are already being provided one. But I think the issue needs to be addressed regarding their feelings.

 

[LiberalPrincess]

thank you I have said before dh has been planning for their 16th bdays. I was venting b/c biomom thinks we should buy them another car. that was when I ripped a part b/c I thought it was nuts of her to think that. But I never said we won;t do anything for their 16th bdays either. no one has given us that chance b/c the oldest ss still has 2 years to go.

Maybe because you didn't mention ANY of that in your original rant. Instead, your focus was on how you spent "your" money for "your" kids. Guess what, your step kids are now "your" family as well. It is a package deal. As many posters have said, it is not just about cars. It is your phrases along the way of how you love them "in your own way", always qualifying it. Whether you know it or not, kids pick up on these things. Whether is is about love, affection or money spent. No one thinks the kids should have two cars (and I don't believe the ex thinks so either). But, there is a matter of treating your step kids in a way that they deserve to be treated by the woman that married their father.

 

[cheermom1]

You're welcome . My kid's problems with their dad were totally different than any of this. They just wanted their dad to spend time with them and go see their ball games and such.

The only problem we had like this was with the step-mom thinking that somehow my dad and me and dh should help out with providing things for HER son. :confused Never did understand that one. But she was really jealous of my sons' relationship with their grandfather and somehow thought her son should be able to be a part of that.






I don't get what the other posters here think you should have done. I agree with you that it seems like they think you should buy your step-sons a car even though they are already getting one. Everything is not going to always be completely equal. And there are much better ways of your husband showing his sons how much he loves them than buying them something.

If he is there for them--that is the most important thing. .

Dh is a very big part of their lives and always has been. He goes to their games and takes on all is visits and doesn't miss unless they are sick. And the only reason for that is to not make all us sick too. Plus most kids want to be with mom anyway. But if they get sick while we have them we keep them.

to another poster I sorry it was over sight on my part to not post that dh is planning for their 16th bdays - I was so mad thinking that biomom yet again was being the way is being. When I'm mad I tend to not think as I should which is why i vent before I do anything so i don't so something I will regret.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

It's not about the car. It's about your deep feelings that convey into your actions and overall attitude. All I'm seeing is you responding to folks who are agreeing with you.

You can either be stepmom or be a stepMOM. If the kids are verbalizing their dissatisfaction, take a moment and reflect on how you are coming across.

We cannot change others, only ourselves. So if your stepsons are
perceiving favortism, then that is how you are coming across even if it is inaccurate.

Then answer to "what should you do?" has nothing to do with a vehicle.

And yes, I'm a wicked, overindulged brat of a stepchild. No---I'm not really, but that is how my stepmother comes across I her behaviors towards me regardless of the words that exit her mouth.

 

[cabanafrau]

Maybe because you didn't mention ANY of that in your original rant. Instead, your focus was on how you spent "your" money for "your" kids. Guess what, your step kids are now "your" family as well. It is a package deal. As many posters have said, it is not just about cars. It is your phrases along the way of how you love them "in your own way", always qualifying it. Whether you know it or not, kids pick up on these things. Whether is is about love, affection or money spent. No one thinks the kids should have two cars (and I don't believe the ex thinks so either). But, there is a matter of treating your step kids in a way that they deserve to be treated by the woman that married their father.

Anybody who gets into a relationship w/ a partner who already has children absolutely must be accepting that minor children are the absolute first priority. Any parent who enters a relationship & knows their prospective new partner doesn't accept that the parent's responsibilities to their minor children are sacrosanct has no business getting into a relationship with the prospective partner -- period. Complete dealbreaker.

I'm not suggesting that children should have the right to ride roughshod & be self-entitled little monsters. Children do have the right to be the first & primary consideration when considering a new relationship.

 

[livie1205]

Reading this I ,again for the millioned time, thank God that our parents did NOT treat us equally.
We all were given what we needed when the time was there.
With Christmas every one got what they wished and NEEDED. One of us could get a bike and the other Lego. The difference could be hundreds of dollars but we were thought NEVER to look a the value nor were we allowed to be jealous.

My brother got a car when he needed one when he was eighteen, my sister a new roof on her house, my brother a complete new inventory when he was divorced.

This made us all strong and prepared us for the big world that is not going to treat you "fair". It thought us not to be jealous at each other and not to be jealous at strangers.



We as brothers and sister love each other still after all these years and we still accept the "unequal giving" from my mother.
My mother knew it was my greatest wish to go to WDW with my sister. My sister could not afford it so my mother paid her bill to please me. The other siblings were very exited we could go together and were happy for us.
I’m going to be hospitalized soon and chemo is waiting on the doorsteps for me so my mother bought me an E reader. My brother called me and asked what kind of “book” he could buy me instead of moaning about “not fair or not being equal”.

OP you are doing the right thing. Don't let others tell you what to do. Do as you please and believe me giving in to a kid that is already wining for jealousy when he is 14 will created a monster of demands when he is eighteen.

yeh we dont go for that whole everything should be even thing either....and when I married my dh WE became partners...so WE make the choices.We as a couple come first then the kids...if we are not strong together we can not raise our family.My ex or dh ex has ZERO say so in our home or the choices we make in our home..she dont even know where her sons DRs office is! When she has to call me to ask if I think he needs to go to the dr when he is sick (of course I would be taking him) she gets no say so.WE will choose who gets cars and when,if they earn them they will if not then no.
OP you and your dh will decide what goes on..dont let anyone else tell you how you should handle it...if your dh does not mind if you got your kids cars then so be it..

 

[cheermom1]

It's not about the car. It's about your deep feelings that convey into your actions and overall attitude. All I'm seeing is you responding to folks who are agreeing with you.

You can either be stepmom or be a stepMOM. If the kids are verbalizing their dissatisfaction, take a moment and reflect on how you are coming across.

We cannot change others, only ourselves. So if your stepsons are
perceiving favortism, then that is how you are coming across even if it is inaccurate.

Then answer to "what should you do?" has nothing to do with a vehicle.

And yes, I'm a wicked, overindulged brat of a stepchild. No---I'm not really, but that is how my stepmother comes across I her behaviors towards me regardless of the words that exit her mouth.

I am still confused as to how you know how I really am an evil stepmom??? From just the posts I post here? Well then you have another thing coming b/c I post here to vent that is all. That is why it seems that way, I did say that before. You and no one else here really knows how I live my life and how I treat my step kids in real life. As an example my mom and I got into really hard core one day b/c she thought it was a good idea to give my kids a gift in front of the boys and got them nothing and told them that she won;t get them anything. That was WRONG and it still makes me mad to think about it and we really had a bad fight about it. I fight for those kids and always have and always will. I am the one that makes sure they get new clothes and stuff for their rooms and things for our house. If it were up to dh him being a male just doesn't think about that stuff. So If I am so evil I wouldn't make sure they have the same things as my kids do in their rooms or clothes and stuff for our house. I even made sure they have their own beach towel for when we go swimming with their names on them again that was me!

 

[kaytieeldr]

Anybody who gets into a relationship w/ a partner who already has children absolutely must be accepting that minor children are the absolute first priority. Any parent who enters a relationship & knows their prospective new partner doesn't accept that the parent's responsibilities to their minor children are sacrosanct has no business getting into a relationship with the prospective partner -- period. Complete dealbreaker.

I'm not suggesting that children should have the right to ride roughshod & be self-entitled little monsters. Children do have the right to be the first & primary consideration when considering a new relationship.

Yeah, she knows that, she 'accepts' that, and she tries. The boys' mom won't let her participate in their lives - but now, when cheermom bought cars for the children to whom she gave birth (and so the natural reaction would be for her husband's ex to buy cars for the children to whom SHE gave birth - the mother is angry and feels instead the dad and cheermom should buy the cars. In addition, apparently, to the cars the aunt is buying.

 

[wvjules]

*hearing "Jerry, Jerry" being chanted*

 

[KiKi Mouse]

NO no that is not how it happened at all. I pay half of bills and house hold things I even buy the clothes and shoes and stuff for everyone. I just saved some money b/c I knew what I wanted to get my kids for their bdays and dh didn;t want to spend any of his money b/c he has been saving for his kids 16th bdays as well. does that make a little more since?

and thank you for the kind words about being a step mom. I can handle the step mom part and even the kids but his ex whole nother story?!

Sounds like there is a lot of "your kids", "my kids". I think that only hurts them. DH is stepdad to my 12 y/o daughter and we have 2 daughters together. We consider all three our kids and treat them the same.

 

[LiberalPrincess]

I am still confused as to how you know how I really am an evil stepmom??? From just the posts I post here? Well then you have another thing coming b/c I post here to vent that is all. That is why it seems that way, I did say that before. You and no one else here really knows how I live my life and how I treat my step kids in real life. As an example my mom and I got into really hard core one day b/c she thought it was a good idea to give my kids a gift in front of the boys and got them nothing and told them that she won;t get them anything. That was WRONG and it still makes me mad to think about it and we really had a bad fight about it. I fight for those kids and always have and always will. I am the one that makes sure they get new clothes and stuff for their rooms and things for our house. If it were up to dh him being a male just doesn't think about that stuff. So If I am so evil I wouldn't make sure they have the same things as my kids do in their rooms or clothes and stuff for our house. I even made sure they have their own beach towel for when we go swimming with their names on them again that was me!

Ask yourself this, after being married to your husband for seven years, and being a step mom for seven years, what do you think made your mom think it was okay to tell the boys that she wouldn't be getting them anything? Why do you think she felt comfortable saying such mean things to your step children? After however many years, doesn't it seem like your families would have blended more? I can only speak from experience, but my parents consider my step kids their grandchildren. Did it happen instantly? Probably not, but the attitude of both my husband and myself about family made that possible, in fact, mandatory. I can no more imagine my family saying something so mean-spirited to my step kids than I can imagine them running through the streets naked. I wouldn't have to fight afterward, because that kind of attitude would never be accepted in our house. Did you ever consider that your attitude (and perhaps venting) made a similar attitude in your mother towards the boys? And, again, that is simply not right.

 

[cabanafrau]

I am still confused as to how you know how I really am an evil stepmom??? From just the posts I post here? Well then you have another thing coming b/c I post here to vent that is all. That is why it seems that way, I did say that before. You and no one else here really knows how I live my life and how I treat my step kids in real life. As an example my mom and I got into really hard core one day b/c she thought it was a good idea to give my kids a gift in front of the boys and got them nothing and told them that she won;t get them anything. That was WRONG and it still makes me mad to think about it and we really had a bad fight about it. I fight for those kids and always have and always will. I am the one that makes sure they get new clothes and stuff for their rooms and things for our house. If it were up to dh him being a male just doesn't think about that stuff. So If I am so evil I wouldn't make sure they have the same things as my kids do in their rooms or clothes and stuff for our house. I even made sure they have their own beach towel for when we go swimming with their names on them again that was me!

Plenty of times what is written on the net is easily misinterpreted & bears no resemblance to what the writer intended. Sometimes what we write, or what we say or how we behave in our interactions w/ others unwittingly reveal subtle clues to our deepest feelings. It has been pointed out a few times in this thread that perhaps your delivery when offering up information about your step-children points to dislike? disapproval? resentment? Maybe that's not at all true. We don't know your situation beyond what you write. I certainly hope what comes across when they are mentioned isn't the true indication of how you feel or behave towards them.

Hopefully it doesn't matter to your kids, your DH's kids, or anybody else's kids for that matter what house they're in. Each house may be a little or a lot different, but as long as either one is "home" and they're treated that way, it only works to the good for everyone.

 

[Magic Mom]

children to whom SHE gave birth - the mother is angry and feels instead the dad and cheermom should buy the cars. In addition, apparently, to the cars the aunt is buying.

I don't think she wanted cheermom to buy the car, she wanted the dad to buy the cars; with his money.

Honestly, this is about something bigger than cars and who buys them. I do know that if DH and I ever split, there are no step families in my future (can't speak for DH, but he says he feels the same) until my kids are grown. I couldn't risk putting them through all the crap that seems to come with it so many times

 

[cheermom1]

Ask yourself this, after being married to your husband for seven years, and being a step mom for seven years, what do you think made your mom think it was okay to tell the boys that she wouldn't be getting them anything? Why do you think she felt comfortable saying such mean things to your step children? After however many years, doesn't it seem like your families would have blended more? I can only speak from experience, but my parents consider my step kids their grandchildren. Did it happen instantly? Probably not, but the attitude of both my husband and myself about family made that possible, in fact, mandatory. I can no more imagine my family saying something so mean-spirited to my step kids than I can imagine them running through the streets naked. I wouldn't have to fight afterward, because that kind of attitude would never be accepted in our house. Did you ever consider that your attitude (and perhaps venting) made a similar attitude in your mother towards the boys? And, again, that is simply not right.

That with my mom happened right after we got married and I set her straight real quick. So no it was not my attitude b/c I didn't have the chance to have an attitude.

 

[wdwfan16]

Not two cars but your DH should pay the same amount to the Aunt to get the kids a better vehicle or hand each kid a gas card with the same amount on it (or the like but related to the car). Then you are being fair and not causing drama.

And if you pay your kids insurance then so should DH. If you fill your kids' tank then fill the step kids' tank

I have two sons and am married to their step-father. We have a daughter together. My ex remarried (he is now divorced again) and he had 3 stepdd's and a stepds and then they adopted a a child together.

I would have never expected my sons to have everything equal at their father's house. Her kids lived in the house, mine did not. They did spend equal amounts on all the kids at Christmas and for birthdays until they just stopped buying at all. But, they didn't buy my kids clothes, shoes, etc. They didn't provide things mine needed for school. He did this through his child support but didn't actually go out and spend what he probably spent on her kids.

The OP's stepchildren do not live with her and have a mother and another family (aunts, uncles, etc.) that provides for them. Although their father should be providing by paying child support and buying things for them (gifts, fun things, etc. etc.), its just not realistic to believe that everything the OP does for her own children, that live with her, should also be done for the children that do not live with them and that have other people/family that are poviding these things. It is also not fair to expect her kids to go without a car (or anything else) because they can't do it for all of them but the other kids still get a car because they have family that will provide it.

This is the point you are missing. This was a birthday present for her kids. She buys her kids more at Christmas too. So she is not doing what your ex and his wife did.

Not two cars but your DH should pay the same amount to the Aunt to get the kids a better vehicle or hand each kid a gas card with the same amount on it (or the like but related to the car). Then you are being fair and not causing drama.

And if you pay your kids insurance then so should DH. If you fill your kids' tank then fill the step kids' tank

Ok fine tell me how you that have ripped me apart make this fair?

Knowing the aunt will buy the boys a car no matter what b/c it will happen.

A. buy all the kids a car and let the boys have 2 cars. which buying a car is huge and no one can drive 2 at the same time.

B. Buy the boys a car and not mine. Which is what all you think I should. And leave my out of getting a car all together. And again the boys will still get 2 cars.

C. Or buy my kids a car knowing aunt will buy the boys a car and all will only have 1 car.

Any way you slice this the aunt is still buying the boys a car I can;t change that fact it is not my call.

I haven't read any of the replies since about 4am b/c I had to get some sleep.
It still seems fair to me for all the kids to have just 1 car a piece no matter where it comes from they still will only have 1 car. Like I have said so many times the aunt buying the cars for the boys is not my call and I have no control over it. really what do you strangers want me to do???

As you can see my suggestions is none of the above.

 

[luvmy3]

Not two cars but your DH should pay the same amount to the Aunt to get the kids a better vehicle or hand each kid a gas card with the same amount on it (or the like but related to the car). Then you are being fair and not causing drama.

And if you pay your kids insurance then so should DH. If you fill your kids' tank then fill the step kids' tank

Who is to say that the OP's dh isn't going to help out his biokids with gas, repairs, insurance or whatever?

Someone upthread gave a really great suggestion on what you should do since the stepsons are already getting cars from the aunt. I can't remembe exactly what it was and I don't feel like scrolling through the pages but it was something the along the lines of you all providing the sons with a gascard or some funds that you would have NORMALLY kicked in for a car for them had the aunt not been providing them.

This is not about cars per se. It is about your SO's children still feeling like their dad is their dad and has not given them up for a new family. It is their perception that their father is playing favorites with his girlfriend's kids. And while it is YOUR money that bought your children their own cars, at least some of that has to be made possible by your SO's income. I mean, if you didn't live with him and his income, maybe the money that is YOURS would not be available to purchase teen cars. I know that I have free cash to buy extra things but I certainly wouldn't if I was living on my own. So, in a sense, his income and household with you enables you to do more for your own children. Whether that's all true on not, I don't know. Maybe your SO doesn't even work and he doesn't "help" you at all.

But this is the stepkids perception and, right or wrong, that's how they probably feel. So, I think you need to do things to make it as equal as you can between the kids.

No they don't need to make things equal, what the OP does for her own children without financial assistance from her dh does not have to be equally done for his children by him, and if it was going to, then its the DH who needs to make that dedcision and do it for his children, not the OP. What really needs to happen is the dad and the bio-mom need to sit down with their own children and explain how things work, or come up with a plan on how to handle situations like this come up for their children.

 

[eeyoremum]

OP - first let me say I never thought I would support the views of a step-parent. I have had my fair share over the years and have always lived by the mantra that "all fairy tales can't be wrong" that said....

You have every right to spend YOUR money on YOUR kids and not feel guilty. Sorry that is the way the cookie crumbles. Does it suck for the kids left out yes but they and their Mum really need to SUCK IT UP.

I have experience with a step-father who would take his daughter on multiple vacations a year. She had the best of everything over and above his support payments. Since she would never come and stay at our home overnight he would take her to movies, lunch, dinner, theater or whatever. I was excluded at 99% of these events. I would be invited to the occassional movie. Also, on the rare occassion she did come and spend the weekend we all had to play the happy family and go out as a family of four. All other times I was left to fend for myself while the parental unit and the new husband did things alone. So I was not included then either.

Also, to make it a whole lot worse the bedroom she had in our home was immediately decorated to her taste. Within a week of moving in. I however lived there full time and NEVER had my room done I had to live with the BRIGHT pink walls the entire 7 years I lived there.

Now that being said the "parental unit" was far more concerned with the new husband than her kid so that didn't help. I did however go on school trips (Europe, US) that were paid for by my "parental unit" and not my step parent.

Oh and I did get gift from my step sis's grandmother. Token gifts at Christmas and such but that is all. Why should have though? She was not my grandmother.

So the long and short of it is of course your step kids think it is unfair. That is life, life is not fair. Of course you are the "evil" step mother they are kids.

As an adult I have a different perspective. I see now that my step parent had every right to "treat" their children to things. I was not their child so I didn't get as much from them as their children did. It is unfortunate but I don't think terribly uncommon is step families.