Vent...Two issues

[pls5286]

Ughhhh is all I can say today!!!!

My DD7 was asked to be in the wedding of my cousin next month. My issue was my aunt asked my parents instead of ME! She never asks me about anything. Always goes to my parents about things like I am a child still and I will be 35 in Dec. Even if it pertains to MY kids. Even though she asked my parents, I am still responsible for all the costs...ie the dress and shoes...and I got the estimate on the dress...$350. We don't have that kind of money just extra laying around. I am on disability. DS13 birthday is in Nov as well and Christmas is coming. My parents can't help because my BIL has been laid off and they are having to help my sis out!

Vent # 2 My DF ex wife is mad at us because and I am calling him DSS11 because soon to be DSS is too long to type every time. She wants us to buy him a new computer for Christmas. DF told her no. We can't afford 3 new computers for Christmas. She said Why 3. Because if we buy for 1 we have to buy for 3. He wanted to know what was wrong with DSS computer. She said nothing. We just want a new computer. She told him you need to distinguish more between your kid and the other kids in the house. He said no, they all get treated the same.

He told her to go buy her own computer.

Just wanted to add computer is not for school, just for games.

 

[C.Ann]

You call your aunt directly and tell her you're sorry, but you simply can't afford the expense of your DD being in a wedding right now..

You stick to your guns with the computer situation.. Sounds like someone has a "want" - not a "need"..

Good luck!

 

[okeydokey]

It's a little short notice to pull out of the wedding, but it's worth a try. Has the dress already been ordered? I would call and speak to the bride and/or groom directly.

 

[pixiewings71]

Did you find out about the wedding next month today?? If so, Holy Late Notice Batman! lol Call your cousin and let them know you can't afford that dress, perhaps they will help or give you a way out of participating.
Stick to your guns on the computer, if they want a new computer then the ex can buy it, not your DH! Some people......
Hope your tomorrow is better!

 

[disneybound2010]

I would simply tell Aunt that you received this bill for all these wedding things and being that your DD is too young to be getting married, these must be her bills. When she responds that they are for your DD's part in the wedding simply state that you were never asked about a wedding and are unable to participate based on the short notice (I'm kinda mean that way!)

Tell the exwife that if SHE wants a new computer she can buy her own computer! Your DF is responsible for the child, not her wants. I commend him for treating all 3 the same!

 

[SandrA9810]

Did some one put some sort of invisibility on you??

 

[cm8]

Ughhhh is all I can say today!!!!

My DD7 was asked to be in the wedding of my cousin next month. My issue was my aunt asked my parents instead of ME! She never asks me about anything. Always goes to my parents about things like I am a child still and I will be 35 in Dec. Even if it pertains to MY kids. Even though she asked my parents, I am still responsible for all the costs...ie the dress and shoes...and I got the estimate on the dress...$350. We don't have that kind of money just extra laying around. I am on disability. DS13 birthday is in Nov as well and Christmas is coming. My parents can't help because my BIL has been laid off and they are having to help my sis out!

Vent # 2 My DF ex wife is mad at us because and I am calling him DSS11 because soon to be DSS is too long to type every time. She wants us to buy him a new computer for Christmas. DF told her no. We can't afford 3 new computers for Christmas. She said Why 3. Because if we buy for 1 we have to buy for 3. He wanted to know what was wrong with DSS computer. She said nothing. We just want a new computer. She told him you need to distinguish more between your kid and the other kids in the house. He said no, they all get treated the same.

He told her to go buy her own computer.

Just wanted to add computer is not for school, just for games.

1. don't allow her to be in wedding, if they insist, inform them that THEY must pay for her dress and incidentals as you are not financially able to do so!

2. Pay no attention to her, she clearly has issues that need to be addressed. Her son does not want a new computer, she does! And SHE should buy it. I find it sad when other parents try to use their children as pawns.. I am glad to know that you and your soon to be husband are putting your foot down now, cause it will make it easier to see through the nonsense later!

 

[LuvOrlando]

eeek to the first one, what did your parents say? Telling them no that you just don't have that kind of money right now is a perfectly reasonable response. Maybe they asked your parents out of respect for them and it's not meant as a snub towards you.

eeek to the second vent too. Sounds like the ex doesn't want to accept your DF has a new blended family now. It's too bad she's being a pain but I think it's awesome your DF is sticking up for all of you like that. At least he put her in her place so that something to be happy over.

 

[scrapquitler]

Ughhhh is all I can say today!!!!

My DD7 was asked to be in the wedding of my cousin next month. My issue was my aunt asked my parents instead of ME! She never asks me about anything. Always goes to my parents about things like I am a child still and I will be 35 in Dec. Even if it pertains to MY kids. Even though she asked my parents, I am still responsible for all the costs...ie the dress and shoes...and I got the estimate on the dress...$350. We don't have that kind of money just extra laying around. I am on disability. DS13 birthday is in Nov as well and Christmas is coming. My parents can't help because my BIL has been laid off and they are having to help my sis out!

Wow, NEXT month? That's awfully short notice to budget for a wedding, and don't people usually choose a more reasonably priced dress for a Flower Girl? I would call the bride to be and tell her that it is just not possible. And I would tell my Mother to have the aunt call me directly the next time she wants to ask something!

Vent # 2 My DF ex wife is mad at us because and I am calling him DSS11 because soon to be DSS is too long to type every time. She wants us to buy him a new computer for Christmas. DF told her no. We can't afford 3 new computers for Christmas. She said Why 3. Because if we buy for 1 we have to buy for 3. He wanted to know what was wrong with DSS computer. She said nothing. We just want a new computer. She told him you need to distinguish more between your kid and the other kids in the house. He said no, they all get treated the same.

He told her to go buy her own computer.

Just wanted to add computer is not for school, just for games.

I'd tell the ex- to buy the computer herself, too. And too bad about calling the boy DSS rather than 'soon to be'

.

 

[WDSearcher]

Ughhhh is all I can say today!!!!

My DD7 was asked to be in the wedding of my cousin next month. My issue was my aunt asked my parents instead of ME! She never asks me about anything. Always goes to my parents about things like I am a child still and I will be 35 in Dec. Even if it pertains to MY kids. Even though she asked my parents, I am still responsible for all the costs...ie the dress and shoes...and I got the estimate on the dress...$350. We don't have that kind of money just extra laying around. I am on disability. DS13 birthday is in Nov as well and Christmas is coming. My parents can't help because my BIL has been laid off and they are having to help my sis out!

Vent # 2 My DF ex wife is mad at us because and I am calling him DSS11 because soon to be DSS is too long to type every time. She wants us to buy him a new computer for Christmas. DF told her no. We can't afford 3 new computers for Christmas. She said Why 3. Because if we buy for 1 we have to buy for 3. He wanted to know what was wrong with DSS computer. She said nothing. We just want a new computer. She told him you need to distinguish more between your kid and the other kids in the house. He said no, they all get treated the same.

He told her to go buy her own computer.

Just wanted to add computer is not for school, just for games.

1. Skip the wedding. If your aunt has a problem with it, I'm with the person who said to tell your aunt, "Oh ... you never asked me about DD being in the wedding. And really, even if you had, I'd have told you we're really tight on funds right now and just can't afford it." If she offers to pay for everything, then it's more about whether you want to deal with the rehearsals and driving and such.

2. If there's nothing wrong with the computer, then she should buy a new one if she wants one. Although I don't necessarily agree with the "if we buy for one, we buy for three" philosophy. If everyone NEEDS new computers, then sure ... buy for all. But if two kids' computers are fine and the third one is the only one that needs to be replaced, then there's no reason to purchase new ones for the other two just so that everyone is "even." I didn't always get new shoes when my sisters got new shoes. But I always got new shoes when I needed them. KWIM?

 

[bumbershoot]

I would simply tell Aunt that you received this bill for all these wedding things and being that your DD is too young to be getting married, these must be her bills. When she responds that they are for your DD's part in the wedding simply state that you were never asked about a wedding and are unable to participate based on the short notice (I'm kinda mean that way!)

Not to mention, your *cousin* should have asked you if your child could be in the wedding. Her mom shouldn't have done that.


As a step daughter twice over, and as a person with half siblings...I don't get into the "every child must be treated the same" business, so I really don't agree with your husband on this. Your stepson has a different mom, and different decisions can be made for him. But if you can't afford the computer, you can't afford it, and if it's not needed, it's not needed. But my step siblings, I'm sure, got different things than I did, and I got different things than they did (for one thing, I got to live with THEIR dad, when he and my mom were married....not the biggest treat, actually, but they didn't know that). My half sibs definitely get a whole lot more stuff than I ever did (but they also have to live with our dad, and that's something I'm so glad I didn't have the dubious pleasure of doing for more than the first 2 years of my life...). Who cares? Different set of parents = different rules, different stuff. No big.

 

[pls5286]

1. Skip the wedding. If your aunt has a problem with it, I'm with the person who said to tell your aunt, "Oh ... you never asked me about DD being in the wedding. And really, even if you had, I'd have told you we're really tight on funds right now and just can't afford it." If she offers to pay for everything, then it's more about whether you want to deal with the rehearsals and driving and such.


We are going to talk to my parents tomorrow about this. It is my dad's nephew getting married, and they are not aware of the cost.


2. If there's nothing wrong with the computer, then she should buy a new one if she wants one. Although I don't necessarily agree with the "if we buy for one, we buy for three" philosophy. If everyone NEEDS new computers, then sure ... buy for all. But if two kids' computers are fine and the third one is the only one that needs to be replaced, then there's no reason to purchase new ones for the other two just so that everyone is "even." I didn't always get new shoes when my sisters got new shoes. But I always got new shoes when I needed them. KWIM?

My two bio kids don't have individual computers, so we can't have one kid get up Christmas morning with a computer and two not. It just wouldn't be right. His computer at his mom runs fine.

Not to mention, your *cousin* should have asked you if your child could be in the wedding. Her mom shouldn't have done that.


As a step daughter twice over, and as a person with half siblings...I don't get into the "every child must be treated the same" business, so I really don't agree with your husband on this. Your stepson has a different mom, and different decisions can be made for him. But if you can't afford the computer, you can't afford it, and if it's not needed, it's not needed. But my step siblings, I'm sure, got different things than I did, and I got different things than they did (for one thing, I got to live with THEIR dad, when he and my mom were married....not the biggest treat, actually, but they didn't know that). My half sibs definitely get a whole lot more stuff than I ever did (but they also have to live with our dad, and that's something I'm so glad I didn't have the dubious pleasure of doing for more than the first 2 years of my life...). Who cares? Different set of parents = different rules, different stuff. No big.

We make sure all the kids get what they need and to a limited extent want, but we have to try to draw a line somewhere. DSS11 needed clothes for here, he got them, no one else got anything. But ex wifes demands get out of hand. She thinks we need to buy him two of everything.

 

[pyrxtc]

well I will just say good luck because you have at least another 7 years left of this, I am down to 2 and 5 yrs left. Both DH and I were married before and both had a child and now have two more together. So we have all the fun. Plus I have a half sibling from my father's first marriage so I have been there too. It's not fun being anywhere in this mess.

 

[Mimi1965]

Ughhhh is all I can say today!!!!

My DD7 was asked to be in the wedding of my cousin next month. My issue was my aunt asked my parents instead of ME! She never asks me about anything. Always goes to my parents about things like I am a child still and I will be 35 in Dec. Even if it pertains to MY kids. Even though she asked my parents,

I am still responsible for all the costs...ie the dress and shoes...and I got the estimate on the dress...$350. We don't have that kind of money just extra laying around. I am on disability. DS13 birthday is in Nov as well and Christmas is coming. My parents can't help because my BIL has been laid off and they are having to help my sis out!

.

Do you really need DISers to tell you that if you can not afford the dress-to decline the invitation to participate?

 

[sturdypeasantstock]

I know the dress is expensive, but why should the OP's DD miss out on the fun of being in the wedding? (yes, I never got to be a flower grl and I love weddings) Yes, I know some view being in a wedding as a hassle.

OP, could you say that you can't afford the dress and see if the couple getting married could pick up the tab or at least part of it?

 

[sturdypeasantstock]

Do you really need DISers to tell you that if you can not afford the dress-to decline the invitation to participate?

She's just looking for advice.

 

[kaytieeldr]

My DD7 was asked to be in the wedding of my cousin next month. My issue was my aunt asked my parents instead of ME! She never asks me about anything. Always goes to my parents about things like I am a child still and I will be 35 in Dec.

Frankly, it sounds like ALL the people in that generation treat ALL the people in your generation like children - and that you all allow it to continue. Why couldn't/wouldn't didn't your cousin - the person getting married - ask you directly? If the two of you aren't close enough that this would have been a comfortable conversation, then frankly, you're not close enough for your child to be in your cousin's wedding.

Even if it pertains to MY kids. Even though she asked my parents, I am still responsible for all the costs...ie the dress and shoes...and I got the estimate on the dress...$350.

Out of your price range. And it's just an estimate? Really? I agree with some (all?) the other posters - too bad if it messes up the wedding plans. Politely pull your daughter from the wedding party. I'd love to suggest delivering the message through your parents, but they'll probably feel guilty and pay for the dress. Of course, IF you can simply keep it to, "Thank you for asking, but she won't be able to be in the wedding party" without ANY additional explanation, this may work.

Vent # 2 My DF ex wife is mad at us because and I am calling him DSS11 because soon to be DSS is too long to type every time.

Respectfully, as long as all three(?) kids have different names, just call them/refer to them by/write them down using their actual names. "John", "Jeff", "Linda" (or whatever ). I can see her point about making him feel different, like an outsider. He's going to be part of your family, and if you're living with his dad now, well... on the other hand, I agree about the computer. If she wants him to have a computer, SHE can buy it for him.

 

[NHdisneylover]

Hmm, I have a slightly different take about the wedding. Did you see the thread recently in which someone getting married found out that her (or his--can't recall) parents had asked kids of cousins she does not even know to be in he wedding party without consulting her? It strikes me that since all of the wedding communication seems to have gone through the elder generation only this could well be the case here--ie: your cousin may not even want your child in the wedding and may be annoyed that her parents have arranged that she is.
My suggestion is to stop acting like the child they are treating you as and take matters into your own hands and CALL THE BRIDE DIRECTLY. Be polite and kind and laugh it off a bit and say something like, "Hey it sounds like our parents have been making all kinds of plans for US without consulting us--must be really hard on you while you are planning a wedding." Then go on to ask her (making it sure you will not be offended either way) IF she truly wants your DD involved in the wedding. If she does, simply be honest that expenses are tight right now and the estimates you have heard are out of your price range. Tell her again that you will not be offended no matter what she decides but that either:
A. Your DD needs to not participate
B. A different dress needs to be found and your TOTAL dress/shoes,etc expenses cannot exceed $xxx
or
C. If she truly dearly wants your DD there and wants your DD in a certain dress and wants to pay the difference, you will graciously accept that generosity.
Then let her decide. Once you two have worked it out call your parents, tell them you have done so and ask them to kindly refer any other issues regarding YOU and YOUR children directly to you so as to save everyone a lot of time and hassle.

The step son issue confuses me. Are you saying her complaint is that you are referring to him as your step son already even though you are not yet married to his father When and where does she even hear you talking about him when you would not simply use his name (like you would if you were speaking to her)? It almost sounds like you mean on message boards (because you talked about typing things out). DO you and she frequent the same message boards? If so, I would cation that you may want to consider finding some new online places to hang out. I can imagine that things could get awfully testy if you are posting about your family, which includes her son, on boards she reads--it is just too much information for her to have if she is already showing a tendency to be demanding and difficult (the Christmas thing).

 

[Swimnoid]

The step son issue confuses me. Are you saying her complaint is that you are referring to him as your step son already even though you are not yet married to his father When and where does she even hear you talking about him when you would not simply use his name (like you would if you were speaking to her)? It almost sounds like you mean on message boards (because you talked about typing things out). DO you and she frequent the same message boards? If so, I would cation that you may want to consider finding some new online places to hang out. I can imagine that things could get awfully testy if you are posting about your family, which includes her son, on boards she reads--it is just too much information for her to have if she is already showing a tendency to be demanding and difficult (the Christmas thing).

I think OP was making the distinction clear for us. Not that the ex wife is mad she is calling him DSS too soon.

 

[NHdisneylover]

I think OP was making the distinction clear for us. Not that the ex wife is mad she is calling him DSS too soon.

Thanks, that makes much more sense.