Vent--My SIL owes us money!!!!

[my2boyzrock]

In August, we bought my SIL a $200.00 plane ticket to Fla to "visit" her husband's sick and ailing great-aunt. Why SHE had to go, we don't know-well we do, but that's another story and a long one at that-lss, it's all about her. She was out every night, her friend drove down from NC to see her & they went partying! It wasn't to see the aunt, it was so she could "get away" Anyhow, their credit cards are maxed out so she asked if we could buy it for her...she would pay it back of course. Well, it is now almost December and we have seen all of $45.00 of it. In the meantime, they have aquired a 4 wheeler, a used hot tub, her daughter just got the guitar hero game and they go out to dinner 3-4 times/week with their 2 children and this is just the stuff I am aware of. I am trying not to be spiteful, and DH says "she knows she owes us" yet it is $150 that I could use to spend for Christmas. Not that we are struggling, but $150 could go a long way right about now. I don't even want to exchange with them for Christmas..I just want my money back! Lesson learned-never lend money to family, right?? I just had to vent b/c DH doesn't want to hear it anymore.

 

[GOOFY4DONALD]

I can understand how upset you are. But she has horrible spending habits and does not seem very responsible so I wouldn't expect her to step up to the plate for you. Any time I loan money to a family member (very rarely) I always see it as a gift (although I do not tell them that). If I get anything back... great but I never expect it. If I were you I would give a small gift to the kids and nothing for the parents (at least not her). Remind her she got her Christmas gift in August when you paid for her plane ticket. If she argues that it wasn't a gift then say okay take xx.xx off of what you owe me (whatever you would normally spend on her)

 

[Frankiesmom]

Just think of it as the cheapest way you wouldn't have to deal with her asking you for $ again. And since it was only $150 at this point just let it go. JMHO

 

[bigbabyblues]

I wouldn't get them anything for Christmas, and if she asks why, tell her she owed you the $$ you were planning to use.

Sounds like she and my mother would get along VERY well. I got burned by her last year at Christmas and I refuse to loan her $ again.

 

[Thats_for_Shore]

I have to agree with Goofy4Donald on this one.

It seems like no one in my family ever has any money. They don't ask for loans very often, only when they really need the $$$. Since hubby and I own our own business and do pretty well, we're normally the first ones they ask. So if we ever "loan" them any money, I never have any anticipation of getting it back.

Like Goofy said, I don't tell them it's a gift, or not to worry about it. It's just that I know that if I expect to get it back, I'll just get my feelings hurt. So it's better for family relations to just let it go. But!! Remember that the next time they ask for $$.

 

[Tess'smom]

Even though you probably won't see the money, it might make you feel a little better to call her and ask her for the money as it is Christmas and you would like to spend that money on gifts for the family. She probably hasn't given it too much thought and a little reminder wouldn't hurt .

 

[vicceja]

Live and Learn. Unfortunately, you will probably not see the money. When it comes to money and family it just doesn't work well.

 

[t-beri]

If you're not going to gently remind her about the debt I agree w/ a prev. poster who said do not get them Christmas presents. But instead of waiting for them to inquire I would give them a nice card that said you were considering the plane ticket a gift.

I know about bugets. My husband and I work for my parents whose company hasn't been doing very well the last 2 years and as relatives we've been the first to suffer. Money has been tight (tight is not the most accurate word-scarce is more like it) for us since last Oct.

I also know what it is like to have a sibbling who is not very responsible who owes you money. You are talking about this in the view that she is your sister in law, but remember (I don't know if you have sibblings) that she is your husbands sister and whether it is worth hurting her feelings or harboring resentment over thus straining their and your (you and your husbands) relationship. My husband is an only child so I sometimes have to remind him when we are giving my Lil' sis a helping hand that she belongs to me and how much she means to me.

Whatever you decide I hope that you are able to resolve this matter w/ tact and a happy outcome for everyone.
Good luck...t.

 

[luvdiz2]

Ask for the money - she wasn't too shy to ask you!

Do it on the phone tho...

 

[my2boyzrock]

Thanks everyone for your words of advice. I don't feel it's my place to say anything to her though...it is DH's. He said she knows she owes it & she better not burn us. Even if I did say something to her, she would make it seem like I was attacking her & get the whoa is me, my life sucks, nothing ever goes right for me crap -trust me, she is a piece of work. It's always about her, it's never her fault etc etc. She and my MIL aren't talking because MIL couldn't watch her kids one night over the summer & SIL got pissed & wrote MIL a mean e-mail "you never do anything for me" type of thing. Yet, MIL has bought them 2, yes 2, cars, has paid their electric/gas bills when they were on the verge of being shut off, almost furnished their new house(yes they have "no" money but have a new house) & FIL redid their entire electric service in the new house EVERY weekend for 6 weeks straight (and they live and hour and 1/2 from them) So, you see the type of person I am dealing with here. My gut told me not to give her the money, but my heart said yes. Oh well, I am not getting them a gift, but I will buy for our nephew & niece. Live and learn...

 

[DisneyfeverTN]

My2boyz, I agree with you that it is not your place to say anything, it is your dh's. You will only look like the bad guy if you say something. When we "loan" money to family, we consider it a gift. Sometimes we get paid back, sometimes we don't. I learned a long time ago that I should never loan money that I need to have repaid.

 

[tomthebarncat]

IF this were me and it was not to long ago. I would simply telephone her and ask her when you can expect to recieve a check, money order or cash for the 155.00 she owes you. As far as I am concerned you do not owe her any explaination as to why you want YOUR money back. A debt is a debt! My sister in law did the same thing only it was 2 grand. A year later and we had not seen a penny of the money but she bought herself a new volvo and had the audacity to send out email photos of her and her new car. I called her and said since it was apparent that she was doing so well, since she bought an expensive car, when could I expect a money order for the money she owed us. She got very defensive and said that she was broke, I said you aren't too broke to buy a Volvo, now are you?? she got very embarrassed and a money order was received two weeks later in the mail. I am a social worker and deal with irresponsible people all week and refuse to deal with family members who become like my clients. I also let other family members know not to loan ###### any money as she seems to think the paying them back is at her convenience!! she has since sold the car as she could not really afford it. Next time, a family member asks for a loan I will refer them to their nearest bank and they can take out a high interest loan. Sorry for my rant but this really irked me and my hubby said she has a history of being irresponsible with money, I then let him have it for loaning her the money in the first place. He did thank me for getting it back as he was sure that she had no intention of repaying the loan. BTW, the money was for a vacation, we found this out after the fact!!

 

[tomthebarncat]

IF this were me and it was not to long ago. I would simply telephone her and ask her when you can expect to recieve a check, money order or cash for the 155.00 she owes you. As far as I am concerned you do not owe her any explaination as to why you want YOUR money back. A debt is a debt! My sister in law did the same thing only it was 2 grand. A year later and we had not seen a penny of the money but she bought herself a new volvo and had the audacity to send out email photos of her and her new car. I called her and said since it was apparent that she was doing so well, since she bought an expensive car, when could I expect a money order for the money she owed us. She got very defensive and said that she was broke, I said you aren't too broke to buy a Volvo, now are you?? she got very embarrassed and a money order was received two weeks later in the mail. I am a social worker and deal with irresponsible people all week and refuse to deal with family members who become like my clients. I also let other family members know not to loan ###### any money as she seems to think the paying them back is at her convenience!! she has since sold the car as she could not really afford it. Next time, a family member asks for a loan I will refer them to their nearest bank and they can take out a high interest loan. Sorry for my rant but this really irked me and my hubby said she has a history of being irresponsible with money, I then let him have it for loaning her the money in the first place. He did thank me for getting it back as he was sure that she had no intention of repaying the loan. BTW, the money was for a vacation, we found this out after the fact!!

 

[cbrfan]

My DH and I are also the ones other family members go to for loans. Getting burned gets to be an old story. I've now taken the attitude that if I have trouble getting repaid there won't be any more loans. In your case, I think $155 is a cheap way to never have to loan her money again. Fool me once......

 

[Darcy03231]

My DH and I are also the ones other family members go to for loans. Getting burned gets to be an old story. I've now taken the attitude that if I have trouble getting repaid there won't be any more loans. In your case, I think $155 is a cheap way to never have to loan her money again. Fool me once......

I agree! Life is too short to worry about being paid back the $155. Next time she asks for a loan you have the perfect excuse to not "loan" it.

 

[JodyTG]

This just proves what I always hear about no good deed goes unpunished. My brother still owes us $1,500. That's money we'll never see again.

 

[my2boyzrock]

This just proves what I always hear about no good deed goes unpunished. My brother still owes us $1,500. That's money we'll never see again.

Ouch! $1500-I just don't get it. How can someone sleep at night knowing they owe their sibling/family member/friend money, yet they live the lifestyle that they do? I agree with you there. I am trying to move on from it as I know life is too short to dwell, but...

 

[rt2dz]

I'm trying to be sympatric. I know that $155 can seem (and is) like a lot of money, but I'm having a hard time. You knew in advance that she was irresponsible with money and what her personality is, but you loaned it anyhow. I would think that you should have known it wasn't going to get repaid. I would chalk it up to lesson learned--never loan anything you can't afford to give with an open heart. Instead of being bitter, try and let it go--it'll make YOU much happier in the long run. If she ever does pay you anything back, be pleasantly surprised.

As far as Christmas goes, don't get her anything if you can't do so joyfully--gifts should always come from the heart. As far as the kids go, I don't know. Do you want to punish them for their mother's actions? Or does it matter? You can just avoid a get together all at once.

With DH's family, we've taken a hard line. We've told them quite simply that we can't afford to give a gift of that size. When they say it's a loan, we say that we don't want a business relationship and they don't know when times will get better. At the same time, when we can give without worry, we do. Last year we bought his niece all her school supplies when his brother asked for a loan to help out. We didn't give the money; we took her shopping and bought her a couple of new outfits too.

 

[LuvOrlando]

As I get older I realize that I get way more upset over things than the people around me. It also follows that when I vent I also get way more upset than the people I vent at which leaves me feeling even worse than I did from the offense. These days I usually write out long angry letters I never send and then stop caring

OP, if it were me I think I would treat my niece and nephew the same as always with Holiday gifts, like you said you plan on doing. As for, SIL and BIL, I just don't see how this can resolve itself without making everyone more miserable. If SIL isn't talking to your MIL over what you stated then she is childish. If you get her nothing for X-Mas she will take it as being spiteful and totally retaliate. How will this play out? Will she cut you guys off too and hurt your DH in the process? Will she reconnect with your MIL and bash you at every chance she gets? Will she pay you out of guilt and shame , not too likely especially if she gets a chance to make you the bad guy.

If it were me, I'd get her and BIL a token gift, maybe a $30 gift certificate for the whole family to see a new movie and then write the $150 experience off as a lesson learned. This way she can't say you were spiteful and has no leverage with your DH, your MIL or anyone else for that matter and you have the comfort of knowing her actual gift is only 1/4 of $30, $7.50. The big bonus here is in the end you smell like a rose and now there will be no guilt or confusion when she asks you again and you tell her "I'm sorry but all our money is tied up right now".

 

[my2boyzrock]

wow! do you know my sil you've got her down to a "T" !!
I am getting them a token gift...a basket w/ candles and smelly stuff for their house. I do the letter thing too-always makes me feel better somewhat afterwards.
Thanks for the kind words of advice!