Vent- Just have to get it all out! Sorry

[Rafiki31]

I want to move. I am sort of in a pickle here. I am stressed to the max!

My parents have always had a lot of clutter. To the point where it was embarrasing to have people over growing up. My mother is disabled and claims this is due to her disability and she needs everything in reach. My father is in denial,and spends little time at home. When he is home, he is usually totally overwhelmed with cleaning, laundry, yardwork etc etc. My mother will not allow a cleaning person into the home. SHe thinks it is a violation of privacy. This is clearly getting to be too much for both of them. I just went to visit them (three hour drive) and drop off some of their stuff and I can see their new home is filled to the brim with junk that they will never use, and that have been stuffing and stacking into piles. My mother has turned into a full fledged hoarder, and my dad is in denial. My mom gets VERY angry and will not even speak to me about it. My father says its not worth the fight. I think it is a fire hazard and unsafe. What can I do? They are clearly running up a ton of debt and filling their home with more crap. Their home looks like the lady that was on the Oprah show, with the hoarders.


About 5 years ago, they bought this BIG new home 3 hours away. I rented their old home (since it was close to work for me) and eventually ended up buying it at full market value. In fact, I am now certain I overpaid. They did not give me a break on the price, to avoid a confrontation with my sister. I was young and stupid, and did the deal via their realtor. I never had a home inspection (stupid now I know, but at the time I did not). My parents never moved out any of their junk. They literally picked up and moved leaving all of their trash and junk behind for me to deal with. I never should have bought this house, it was the worst decision I have ever made.

I want/need to move and put the house up for sale. I need this stuff OUT OF MY HOUSE. Most of the stuff I have just been throwing away and donating box by box. I have spent countless hours and vacation weeks over the years just sorting through all of this garbage. If I ask them, they say they want to save it all, but most of it is worthless trash. And they wont take it! I have spent years throwing away and donating their junk, and trying to clean up their mess. They have left my entire basement & garage FULL of their junk. I cannot even fit a car in my garage! This is insane.

I have also had to deal with all of the neglect for this home. They did not maintain it, and that has led to thousands of dollars of repairs and issues. I want to sell it, but I am TERRIFIED of what kind of code violations and major flaws that will turn up in a home inspection. I KNOW I am going to have a hard time selling the home and I know I am going to take a huge loss. Again, my problem now, not theirs. It is keeping me up at night. I feel like I am stuck here. I cannot afford to fix the issues that I know about nevermind the ones that I do not yet know about. And here they are throwing away thousands of dollars on more useless crap while I deal with the mess they left behind.

I need to get rid of all of this stuff. I need to have it all hauled away and trashed. I do not want to send it to their new home, they have no room for it, and most of it is worthless. The stuff that has some value, I am thinking of donating or selling. My parents have had 5 years to fnd a place for it, and I AM SO DONE!


Would you get rid of it all? Or have it delivered to them (which will be expensive) knowing that they have no place to put it.

How can you help someone with a hoarding problem, that doesn't admit they need help? You literally cannot even walk into several rooms in their home,they are stacked so high with stuff.


I guess i just need a hug. Its too embarrasing to talk to my friends about. I do not know what to do, and I am totally fed up here.

 

[Darcy03231]

I would sent them a certified letter giving them a specific date to come and get their "stuff". Put in the letter that if it isn't picked up by that date it will be disposed of. After the date comes and goes I would just get rid of it. I would probably just rent a dumpster and start throwing the stuff in it rather than try to do it little by little.

 

[LuvBaloo]

Do they know you are planning to sell the house? Tell them, you have to get it emptied out and ready to sell, so if they want any of their stuff they need to come and get it.

Then I'd hold a garage sale, and put the money into home repairs/improvements to get it ready to sell.

 

[HelenePA]

I would sent them a certified letter giving them a specific date to come and get their "stuff". Put in the letter that if it isn't picked up by that date it will be disposed of. After the date comes and goes I would just get rid of it. I would probably just rent a dumpster and start throwing the stuff in it rather than try to do it little by little.

I wouldn't even do that.. just rent a dumpster and trash it or maybe call someone to come clean it out. We have places around here that will do it for free and take all the good stuff trash the rest. Is that a possibility?

 

[DWGal210]

I just wanted to give you a hug and say I'm sorry you're having to deal with this.

 

[minkydog]

I feel so bad for you. There is no rehabilitating a hoarder unless they are very committed to the program.

I wonder if you would be happier in your house if all their stuff was gone? They are probably not physically able to take care of this. Since it's your parents we're talking about, I think I'd set a date by which you will move out the stuff. Don't trash it--they'll never forgive you. Ask them if they still want itheir stuff--it does belong to them. If they do, I'd rent a storage unit in their name for 2 months and pay someone to pack it all up and move it for you. Then send them the key and wash your hands of it. You are not required to keep all that junk in your house. Your home is not a storage building.

Then, after the stuff is out you can start looking at what maintenance needs to be done. Start with a home inspection. It might not be as bad as you think. At any rate, a home inspector can help you prioritize the work and probably can give you an idea of how much it will cost(*do not hire him for the job though. Big no-no.) I'd be reluctant to sell the house right now. You're going to take a beating on it. Just sit tight, get rid of the stuff, repaint the walls and see if you can't get happier with your home. Give it another year. The economy will be better, you'll have more equity, you'll have more time to fix the things that need to be fixed and you'll be in a better place to sell then, if you still want to.

I understand about your mom. Hoarding is a mental illness. My mother is a hoarder. She lives in 4 rooms of her house--her bedroom, master bath, kitchen and den. Every other room is stacked high with papers, books, crafts, toys, and other miscellaneous crap. I have tried to help her go through and get rid of stuff. She has an extremely hard time with that. Even stupid things, like the 39 dusty mayo jars up on the top shelf in her kitchen. She can't even reach them on a stool! But she cried when I threw all but 6 in the trash. Every bit of stuff has a story--the burnt out lightbulb, the keys that went to the car they had 25 years ago, the screws that go to a file cabinet they no longer own. and if you get rid of anything, she just goes out and gets more. It's very sad.

 

[wvjules]

I would NOT give the stuff to them. It would be like feeding their hoarding habit. Sell, donate, trash all of it.

 

[SC Minnie]

Technically since you bought the home everything that remained inside the home is now yours. It is yours to do whatever you want with. Rent a dumpster and throw out anything that you don't want or can't sell. Or have Got Junk? or some other company over to haul it off for you.

I agree with minkydog. Once you get the house clear it can really become yours and you will probably feel different about it.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I
Would you get rid of it all? Or have it delivered to them (which will be expensive) knowing that they have no place to put it.

How can you help someone with a hoarding problem, that doesn't admit they need help? You literally cannot even walk into several rooms in their home,they are stacked so high with stuff.

OK...first things first.

You cannot sell this house as is. You will be burned 10 ways till Sunday. So unfortunately, you are going to have to suck it up. Toss the notion of "selling" out of your mind. It is clouding your judgement right now.

You bought their house as a favor and now you are haunted by the mistake. On top of that you did not get an inspection and you overpaid.
Now you are stuck with the beast.

If it were me, I would start selling the merchandise to pay for the repairs in the house in addition to renting a dumpster, maybe several.

I would not involve my parent at all with the selling and throwing away of the merchandise. I would KEEP MY MOUTH SHUT, seriously. I would not tell them or sister for that matter. Try and keep them out of the loop.

Now if they find out somehow, you just be matter of fact and tell them you have repair work, a project, whatever you think they will buy.

Once it is cleaned out then you can go to step 2 with getting necessary repairs.

OCD Hoarding is something that you cannot negotiate. So please, save your sanity and stop trying.

Get your own life on track before you even try and help your parents. That is probably the best advice I can give you.

 

[marlynnp]

I also think you'll feel differently about the house once it is cleaned out.

I say completely empty one room - two if you have the space which allows one to just be your sleeping area - but do not use the room you want for your final bedroom. Then put absolutely everything of yours that you want to keep in the room(s) and lock it/them. Hire a bonded junk company to clean out everything else out while you go vacation for a few days.

When you come back you can clean and repaint. Start with the kitchen and bathrooms. They should be the quickest and that way you can get your dishes, etc. put back. Then do your bedroom. Then the rest of the rooms in the order of most used.

 

[SNylund]

I would sent them a certified letter giving them a specific date to come and get their "stuff". Put in the letter that if it isn't picked up by that date it will be disposed of. After the date comes and goes I would just get rid of it. I would probably just rent a dumpster and start throwing the stuff in it rather than try to do it little by little.

I agree with Darcy, its your house, you do with it what you want. Also, there are people in any phone book that will come out with a dump truck and take all the garbage. I had a similar crew clean out my garage once, filled to the roof almost and they did it in about an hour. I would suggest hiring one of these types of crews.

Also, you are right you need all that junk out of the house, it will never sell if it is full of clutter, unless its a steal on the beach somewhere or something. But needs to be very clean and minimum amount of furniture only to make a good sales impression. Even then its hard to sell houses these days.

 

[clarabelle]

I would get rid of the stuff.
Maybe some garage sales? Do you have any friends that might help you?

I think you have been more than generous with your folks -now it is time to do something for you. They might be upset with you for a little while -but it sounds like a break from them might be good for you anyway.
I know -that is easy for me to say -they are not my parents.
Good luck with whatever you decide.

Also -I wanted to say that I have regretted purchases in my life and I know how frustrating that feeling is that you got ripped off. It happens to all of us I think at one point or another -so take comfort in the fact that you are not the only one who has bought something and wished you hadn't later. I think it is just part of life.

 

[SaraJayne]

I agree with the PP that said everything in that house now belongs to you. Five years is more than enough time for them to take what they wanted.

I would rent a dumpster and trash it all. No use sorting through it, IMO. If you don't want to do it (or can't bear to) hire someone to do it for you.

I think you'll feel a HUGE weight lifted off your shoulders once it's done...and I also agree that you'll feel differently once it becomes *your* home. Right now, it isn't your home ~ it's a junkyard, and no one can live like that in peace and comfort.

Your home should be your sanctuary ~ do whatever it takes for it to become that way.

 

[DizBelle]

I offer a hug and that you've gotten some good advice here.

If they won't come get their stuff, it's yours to throw away.

 

[KirstenB]

First, the junk. I love Marlynn's idea about securing your stuff, and hiring someone to dispose of the rest. To give some perspective, in a very small way...when I left for college, I certainly didn't expect my parents to hold onto all the crap I'd accumulated over the years.

Your folks moved out and sold their home. The fact that you're related to them is secondary to the fact that you were the buyer, and can dispose of the junk however you see fit.

I know 2 hoarders, one is a neighbor, the other is my FIL. The neighbor unfortunately is pretty dysfunctional, and the hoarding really impairs her ability to move on, and tackle some things. She made a really good start last year. She actually hired some professional organizers, when she realized she was too embarrassed for anyone to come to her house. I think she got bogged down in how attached she is to the stuff, because she got rid of a little, but still won't get rid of the rest.

FIL isn't too bad. He hangs onto computers from the 80's etc but actually doesn't buy stuff just to hoard. Anyway, just wanted to let you know you're not alone.

 

[wdwfan16]

I want to move. I am sort of in a pickle here. I am stressed to the max!

My parents have always had a lot of clutter. To the point where it was embarrasing to have people over growing up. My mother is disabled and claims this is due to her disability and she needs everything in reach. My father is in denial,and spends little time at home. When he is home, he is usually totally overwhelmed with cleaning, laundry, yardwork etc etc. My mother will not allow a cleaning person into the home. SHe thinks it is a violation of privacy. This is clearly getting to be too much for both of them. I just went to visit them (three hour drive) and drop off some of their stuff and I can see their new home is filled to the brim with junk that they will never use, and that have been stuffing and stacking into piles. My mother has turned into a full fledged hoarder, and my dad is in denial. My mom gets VERY angry and will not even speak to me about it. My father says its not worth the fight. I think it is a fire hazard and unsafe. What can I do? They are clearly running up a ton of debt and filling their home with more crap. Their home looks like the lady that was on the Oprah show, with the hoarders.


About 5 years ago, they bought this BIG new home 3 hours away. I rented their old home (since it was close to work for me) and eventually ended up buying it at full market value. In fact, I am now certain I overpaid. They did not give me a break on the price, to avoid a confrontation with my sister. I was young and stupid, and did the deal via their realtor. I never had a home inspection (stupid now I know, but at the time I did not). My parents never moved out any of their junk. They literally picked up and moved leaving all of their trash and junk behind for me to deal with. I never should have bought this house, it was the worst decision I have ever made.

I want/need to move and put the house up for sale. I need this stuff OUT OF MY HOUSE. Most of the stuff I have just been throwing away and donating box by box. I have spent countless hours and vacation weeks over the years just sorting through all of this garbage. If I ask them, they say they want to save it all, but most of it is worthless trash. And they wont take it! I have spent years throwing away and donating their junk, and trying to clean up their mess. They have left my entire basement & garage FULL of their junk. I cannot even fit a car in my garage! This is insane.

I have also had to deal with all of the neglect for this home. They did not maintain it, and that has led to thousands of dollars of repairs and issues. I want to sell it, but I am TERRIFIED of what kind of code violations and major flaws that will turn up in a home inspection. I KNOW I am going to have a hard time selling the home and I know I am going to take a huge loss. Again, my problem now, not theirs. It is keeping me up at night. I feel like I am stuck here. I cannot afford to fix the issues that I know about nevermind the ones that I do not yet know about. And here they are throwing away thousands of dollars on more useless crap while I deal with the mess they left behind.

I need to get rid of all of this stuff. I need to have it all hauled away and trashed. I do not want to send it to their new home, they have no room for it, and most of it is worthless. The stuff that has some value, I am thinking of donating or selling. My parents have had 5 years to fnd a place for it, and I AM SO DONE!


Would you get rid of it all? Or have it delivered to them (which will be expensive) knowing that they have no place to put it.

How can you help someone with a hoarding problem, that doesn't admit they need help? You literally cannot even walk into several rooms in their home,they are stacked so high with stuff.


I guess i just need a hug. Its too embarrasing to talk to my friends about. I do not know what to do, and I am totally fed up here.

When you sell a home what you leave behind, unless there is a written contract to get it by a certain date, belongs to the new homeowner. I would throw out everything except that which you can get money for. Sell the higher ticket items to help cover the repairs and loss.

 

[muffyn]

have a huge garage sale.

like others have said, lock stuff you want in ONE(or 2) rooms, have the sale that fill a bag for $1.00 of whatever they want.

OR

try an auctioneer. they do these kind of things.

call the local service clubs or organizations.... 4-H, girlscouts, vfw. moose etc. tell 'em they can take the stuff to sell at a big rummage sale.

there is a dog spca around by us who does a humoungus sale each year, they pick up this kind of stuff.

 

[Glenn]

Just trash it. Go thru it to well to sort keepsakes or hidden items. Get a dumpster. If you dont want expenses keep dropping anything off usuable items at charities. Remember donations may be deductable if you itemize, just get receipts. Newspapers can be dropped off at recyling bins that many schools & churchs have. Just try to get rid of something every day. You might feel different about your place once its emptied out. Your mom wont change unless she wants to. My cousins have the same problem. What they have have been doing is asking for things. Mom can I takes some papers for the dog, (they all have dogs), here are some new towels for you can I have some of the old ones for washing the cars, They have made a small dent that way.

 

[babycakes01]

OK...first things first.

You cannot sell this house as is. You will be burned 10 ways till Sunday. So unfortunately, you are going to have to suck it up. Toss the notion of "selling" out of your mind. It is clouding your judgement right now.

You bought their house as a favor and now you are haunted by the mistake. On top of that you did not get an inspection and you overpaid.
Now you are stuck with the beast.

If it were me, I would start selling the merchandise to pay for the repairs in the house in addition to renting a dumpster, maybe several.

I would not involve my parent at all with the selling and throwing away of the merchandise. I would KEEP MY MOUTH SHUT, seriously. I would not tell them or sister for that matter. Try and keep them out of the loop.

Now if they find out somehow, you just be matter of fact and tell them you have repair work, a project, whatever you think they will buy.

Once it is cleaned out then you can go to step 2 with getting necessary repairs.

OCD Hoarding is something that you cannot negotiate. So please, save your sanity and stop trying.

Get your own life on track before you even try and help your parents. That is probably the best advice I can give you.

I second this advice- I would in no way inform them of selling/throwing the stuff out. Good luck!

 

[Disney Doll]

Don't tell them for God's sakes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
If they haven't needed it in 5 years and they live three hours away, it's not like they are going to drop in.

Like it or not though, you should go through the stuff, in case there is anything of monetary or sentimental value...you never know.

I would probably rent a dumpster for the stuff that is really garbage.

I would try and donate what might be useful to someone else.

You might feel differently about the house once it is cleaned out and you can see things more clearly. Now is not a great time to sell.

Break it down in to small jobs...clean on closet at a time, or one bureau at a time or go through one box or bag of stuff at a time...don't look at the big picture...look at one small area at a time.