Vent about friends borrowing money

[DocRafiki]

Ugh. I think I've mentioned this before, seeing as how I lent it JUNE 29 and we decided then that it was due 2 months after that. So... we're now over 4 months OVERdue.

Said friend is now IM'ing me about what she should buy her boyfriend for his birthday. I was talking to her last night when she ordered some collectibles for him. Now she's asking... hmmm... should I send him flowers to work?

I'm sorry, but that's about enough! Flowers are expensive and a luxury if you owe someone money!! I just reminded her that she still owes me $100. She asks if she can pay it next month when she gets her birthday money. Argh!!! She asks if I NEED the money. You know what? I don't need the money. I would gladly give her a gift of that amount if I thought it were appropriate, and I don't lend money unless I can live without it. But, I am mad because this is just RUDE.

She wants to pay me AFTER she "gets everything else settled." Gee, that makes me feel appreciated. So I wonder if that means she'll pay off her credit cards before paying me, because I've had a credit card balance during this time, and I'm paying interest on it, too! (Sure that amount is really nothing, but still it's the principle.)

The only time she's even mentioned it was before my big vacation in September. She's like, "I guess I should pay you back before you leave, huh?" Then she sent me $50 out of the original $150.

This is what happens when you spoil your children. Ingrates. See if I do it again. She can go back to having mommy and daddy bail her out.

 

[Samandmom]

My DH drives me crazy, he is ALWAYS lending out money to people. I am AMAZED though we lent SIL money and she wrote on piece of paper that she will pay us $100.00 a month till payed off and she actually did pay us back. (We lent her money before and she made some payments but did not finish) I don't think DH know how to say No. Currently two of his friend owe us money. I got soo mad at him, I told he NO more lending money to people. He said ok (we will see). And I know what you mean about these people always buying stuff when they owe.
Good luck to both of us trying to get our money back.

 

[BedKnobbery2]

Yeah, not lending money to friends is a tough lesson to learn. I had a friend who was a tenant of mine for a couple of years. He went through a very rough period--out of work, and injured--and I basically supported him during that time. He paid me back a portion of that money, and I told him that was fine, we'd consider it square (I forgave him about $3,000--and was glad to do it.)

His life got more stable, which was great, and he decided to move out-of-state to live with his g/f. He told me he wanted to keep his apartment, and would continue to pay rent and use it on the weekends as his daughter lived in this state and he wanted visitation to be easier.

First couple of months, he came up as planned, but didn't pay rent. He did talk to me about it, and said that he'd pay me soon, he and his girlfriend just got a new place and were still kind of getting on their feet. Again, that was okay with me.

Fast forward to Christmas time last year. He and his girlfriend came up to spend some time with his daughter. He still hadn't paid me any rent (it was now 6 months). Again, I was fine with it......until his girlfriend showed me the diamond engagement ring, matching earrings, and told me about the stereo system he'd all bought for her for christmas, and told me about the expensive gifts she'd got him in return. I was really hurt and felt totally taken advantage of, since he hadn't even given me a penny towards his rent in all the time since we'd made the arrangements.

The next time he told me he was planning to come up to visit, I told him that I'd need him to pack up all his stuff and move it so I could get a paying tenant into the space. He acted very put out and angry that I would be so "shallow". Well, I'm sorry, but I *do* have to pay my mortgage.

Of course, we are no longer friends. Which is very sad; we used to be such good friends.

Samandmom, your story soooo reminds me of my dad. He was always lending money. Drove my mother crazy!!

 

[Pooh67_68]

Thats why I never lend anything, and I mean anything.

Sorry you all have to learn the had way.

DocRafiki & Samandmom I hope you get back the money that you are owed.

BedKnobbery2, sorry you lost a frienship over money, but with friends like that you are better off.

 

[Pop Daddy]

When I loan out money I plan on never seeing it again, and if I get any I back I am happy.

 

[antnee]

that why my father gave me these words of wisdom when I was in 8th grade

Neither a borrower nor lender be... and never gamble

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Originally posted by Pop Daddy
When I loan out money I plan on never seeing it again, and if I get any I back I am happy.

 

[DocRafiki]

Originally posted by BedKnobbery2
He acted very put out and angry that I would be so "shallow". Well, I'm sorry, but I *do* have to pay my mortgage.

What a jerk! Wow -- some people really ARE spoiled and just don't get it, do they? HOW is that shallow????

I'm pretty sure I would have had enough by the time he moved out. His having a SECOND residence is a luxury, and you shouldn't be paying for his luxuries! All the luxury items he was buying -- yeah that definitely would have driven me over the edge.

Jason -- I took that attitude when I gave her the money. Like I said, I wouldn't have given it if I thought I would ever need it back. But, when it came down to it, it's a matter of disrespect, and like BedKnobbery said, being taken advantage of.

And of course, just like the last time money was mentioned, we probably won't talk for a few weeks.

 

[babar]

My good friend and I always carry each other if we need it. If she needs money, I know it's hard for her to ask, so I'll give it to her. If she can pay me back fine, it not, that's cool too. And vice-versa.

We'll usually get each other back in other ways, like treating for dinner, or paying for drinks all night at a bar, or what have you.

I guess I know that we'll both always be there for each other if we need it, and I can trust her and she can trust me.

I understand what you are saying, but when it's a good friend, I don't ask for the money back. I usually say no if they try to give it. (Unless I'm hurting!!)

Good luck.

 

[Lewski709]

Originally posted by Pop Daddy
When I loan out money I plan on never seeing it again, and if I get any I back I am happy.

Exactly! A loan to a friend is a gift.

Jason -- I took that attitude when I gave her the money. Like I said, I wouldn't have given it if I thought I would ever need it back. But, when it came down to it, it's a matter of disrespect, and like BedKnobbery said, being taken advantage of.

It is disrespectful IF you planned on getting paid back. Do you feel because you gave a gift you should get a gift?

This person is not as good of a friend as you. I am sorry this happened. You have learned a valuable lesson, don't lend money.

 

[Mishetta]

Been there, done that....live & learn. (I did finally get my $$ back though, but I had to hit up the parents for it & showed proof.)

 

[robinb]

Lewski709,

What the heck are you talking about?!?! A loan is a loan. A gift is a gift. If I wanted to give a friend money I would do that. If a friend asks to borrow money it's a loan. It almost sounds like you were on the receiving end of a few gifts ... I mean loans.

DocRafiki,

I have a friend who owed me hundreds of $$ this summer for tickets we bought together while he was wining and dining his GF and paying for her tuition and her rent. He was always "a little short this week" to pay me. He finally did. Once his GF broke up with him . Now they're back together and payment for the tickets are due in a couple of days and he's "short" again. {sigh}

I am going to suggest to you what I will do with my friend. Set up a payment schedule. You need to get in line with your friend's other creditors. Suggest two $50 increments, one in February and one in March. Get specific dates. That should give her plenty of time to save up for you and pay you. Don't fall for the "Do you NEED the money?" BS. It's just her way of rationalizing NOT paying you. FWIW, if you're carrying a balance on your credit card, you do NEED it. You're paying interest to the CC company for that $100 that you are not applying to your bill.

 

[minniepumpernickel]

OMG- I just had someone call me and ask to borrow money. He's a guy who tends to get into trouble, financially. He said that he has stopped taking his antidepressants! I'm so worried about him, that I agreed to give him the money.

The whole situation really sucks. I know I'll never get paid back, but I wouldn't feel right not giving it to him. What would you do?
He's someone I've known for a long time.

 

[Lewski709]

What the heck are you talking about?!?! A loan is a loan. A gift is a gift. If I wanted to give a friend money I would do that. If a friend asks to borrow money it's a loan. It almost sounds like you were on the receiving end of a few gifts ... I mean loans.

Quite the opposite. My position has always been, if you loan someone money, don't expect to get it back! Money can ruin friendships....have been on that end. DH loaned a guy a substansial amount without his wife knowing. Wife found out later, ruined friendship. He wasn't going to pay DH back.

 

[ChibiJones]

Money can ruin friendships

Yep, I lost the friend who introduced me to my future husband over money. We were roomates, her sister ran up $100+ in long distance bills in the two weeks she stayed with us. At the time, I was in a financial tight spot myself, but I still tried to be understanding. I even offered a payment plan of $20/month - more than reasonable IMO. I finally had a fight with her 6 months later over how she hadn't even attempted to send me ANYTHING.

Surprise, surprise - she managed to come up with the money. I also got a "nice" letter about how money was more important to me than friendship Good riddance & don't let the door hit ya! I would never expect any friend of mine to suck up my sister's bill.

 

[robinb]

Originally posted by Lewski709
Quite the opposite. My position has always been, if you loan someone money, don't expect to get it back! Money can ruin friendships....have been on that end.

I think your position is a perfectly valid one for insulating yourself from hurt. If someone actually pays back a loan, it's a happy coincidence. If not, "oh, well.".

Personally, I don't think I would count someone as a friend who borrowed a substantial amount of money from me with no intention of paying it back. Or, getting in a hissy fit months later and not paying it back. That shows a complete lack or respect and makes the lender less of a friend and more of a dupe. I try to make it clear what my expectations are when I pay for something (like my ticket friend) or when I loan money. I don't do it often, but I have found that being up front and clear means that neither the borrower or lender feels bad.

 

[Lewski709]

Personally, I don't think I would count someone as a friend who borrowed a substantial amount of money from me with no intention of paying it back. Or, getting in a hissy fit months later and not paying it back. That shows a complete lack or respect and makes the lender less of a friend and more of a dupe. I try to make it clear what my expectations are when I pay for something (like my ticket friend) or when I loan money. I don't do it often, but I have found that being up front and clear means that neither the borrower or lender feels bad.

There were promises made for repayment. It wasn't like it wasn't discussed, it just never came to fruition. Had to learn the hard way, these guys were friends of convenience. It was convenient for us to be there when they wanted us to. Truth is, they are thieves and did this to more people than anyone knew. My Dh knew them for YEARS before this happened. I can thank them for three things: DH and my two beautiful boys.

 

[DocRafiki]

Originally posted by Lewski709
Exactly! A loan to a friend is a gift.



It is disrespectful IF you planned on getting paid back. Do you feel because you gave a gift you should get a gift?

Where does this "gift" talk come from? I clearly stated it was a loan, and we decided right off that she'd pay it back within two months. A loan is a loan and a gift is a gift. They're not synonymous. I also gave her gifts from my trip AND for Christmas, without anything in return. I'm not mad about that.


ETA: heh I see someone else already wrote pretty much the same thing.

 

[DocRafiki]

Originally posted by ChibiJones
I also got a "nice" letter about how money was more important to me than friendship Good riddance & don't let the door hit ya!

You know, I hear something very similar at work all the time. When we ask for payment (heaven forbid someone go to work and actually expect to get paid), some people will get all nasty and say, "All you people care about is money!," not mentioning the past 4 hours 2 staff members and I have just spent working on their pet. I've realized that people who say things like that are just projecting. They are the ones who value money more than the friendship (or pet in my case).

If the other person valued your friendship, they would find a way to pay you. I'm plenty generous with my money and my time, both with friends and with animals in need. So... anyone who says otherwise is just exhibiting their own faults. And when people start acting like that, that's where the charity stops. There are plenty more people who will appreciate what you/I can offer them.

 

[DocRafiki]

Originally posted by minniepumpernickel
OMG- I just had someone call me and ask to borrow money. He's a guy who tends to get into trouble, financially. He said that he has stopped taking his antidepressants! I'm so worried about him, that I agreed to give him the money.

The whole situation really sucks. I know I'll never get paid back, but I wouldn't feel right not giving it to him. What would you do?
He's someone I've known for a long time.

That reminds me of a friend of mine, only no one has ever asked for money from me. I just offer when I know they are in trouble.

I guess it all depends on how much the loan is for and what he wants it for. I've told my friend that any time he's in trouble, I can send him enough money to get down here, and he can come stay with me. Of course, he came to my rescue once when my parents kicked me out of the house and my car was in the shop.

It would be really hard for me to turn down a friend unless I knew they really didn't need it or they were using it for something needless. I've been in a situation before where $50 was the difference between my having a place to live and being booted to the street, and yet I didn't have the confidence to ask anyone for money (luckily I remembered that someone owed me money, so I asked for it and got it; see -- what comes around goes around).