Vent about DH not siding with me about daughter

[mjkacmom]

Where do I begin? Your 12 year old has a cell phone? That is my first concern. Does she have texting on it? Do you monitor who she's texting with?

And taking the cell phone away for 15 minutes? That is punishment....she will be upset if she doesn't have it for 15 minutes? I think she spends too much time on the phone then.

If it were my kids and my dd had the only eraser and would not share it, I would tell her to share it or I would cut it in half! Problem solved.

Do you have kids? Cutting it does not teach them to share. This is a common problem among siblings, dealt with on a daily basis here. Taking my kids' cellphones away probably wouldn't have done much here, but maybe the OP's dd really loves her cellphone. And my dd9 has a cellphone. She only takes it to dance, but dances at least 9 hours a week.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Of course, mom could have taken a moment to discuss the issue with dad before meting out the punishment.

I suspect that there is more going on here that we have been told. Perhaps they have privately disagreed on punishments in the past and the husband believes that his feelings are being disregarded. Who knows?

Nope, I have to disagree with the bolded above.
By 12 years of age, Mom and Dad should have come to some agreements and should be able to handle this in a fluid and seamless way.

This was just another little, immature, sibling thing that I am sure the OP deals with every single day (not some huge offense that may take some thought and discussion.....)

To think that the mom should have to 'negotiate' or get 'approval' from the dad...

And, about the second part of your post...
No matter what... whether they have discussed this before, maybe not.. whatever.... If there was confusion or disagreement, then it should be handled between the parents, and the parents alone. In fact, these issues should have been ironed out about, ummm, 12 years ago...

No excuse for how the dad handled it by openly and almost sarcastically undermining the mom in front of the children.

Yes, there may be disagreements and issues...
But, the more I think about how the dad did that...
Well, yes, I am now assuming that there are bigger issues here than just this one little incident over an eraser.

 

[happybratpack]

Bottom line:
She is 12. She knows better, and was just doing it to tease/annoy little sis. Apparently it is an ongoing problem. This issue is not simply the eraser, but how she teats her sister. If this was the culmination of a long series of nasty actions by big sis I would have taken the phone away, and for a lot more than 15 min. Not over the eraser, but because she had been repeatedly corrected about how she treats her sister and chose not to listen.

ITA. The eraser isn't even the point. She was repeatedly told what to do and ignored it, this is an ongoing problem, etc. Personally I would have made it a more severe punishment.

The lesson learned here: I can pit Daddy against Mommy if I don't like Mommy's punishment and maybe, just maybe Daddy will take my side and Mommy's punishment won't mean squat. Score......Me-1, Mommy-A big fat 0.

Excellent point and this is exactly how a kid will see this situation.

 

[dzorn]

My response to DH would have been "NO"

Denise in MI

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

... I don't think it is a good idea for parents to question each other's judgement in front of the child. Walk away, do it behind closed doors, and come out with a united front.

^^^ This^^^

My wife and I reached this agreement before we had children. We do not contradict one another about our children in front of them - EVER. Even if one of us is clearly wrong, we discuss it behind the scenes (the children do not even know that the discussions take place).

To the OP - you were right to be upset. Time to create ground rules for this sort of thing before they reach those teen years and really start playing you off of one another.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

So, so many about my ex. The one that stands out though was when I asked my son to do something trivial like pick up some toys, and my ex said he didn't have to do it. He said (to DS, not to me), "Evan, I didn't marry your mother for her brains!" I'm in grad school, and not a stupid person, but my own son (at 10 years old) told my father that I was really stupid and his dad said he didn't have to do what I said.

I would fear for my son's life if he ever said anything like that about my wife in front of her.

 

[disney1990]

It's good if the parents show a "united front" to the children, but I think taking the phone away is a strange punishment for what was going on.

Besides, is losing the phone for 15 whole minutes, really much of a punishment to begin with???

I agree, taking a cell phone away from a 12 year old for 15 minutes can be an eternity to them -- they might miss a text. Your DH should have backed you up in front of the kids. Then you both have talked about it later in private.

 

[doxdogy]

If it had been my son, forget what is father would do to him. He would have been picking himself up off the floor by the time I was finished with him.

I would fear for my son's life if he ever said anything like that about my wife in front of her.

 

[clh2]

*Besides, is losing the phone for 15 whole minutes, really much of a punishment to begin with???

If a cell phone needs to be taken away...take it away. Fiftenn minutes is nothing.

Why does your child have a cellphone "available" to them on MOther's Day, when you are visiting your in-laws is another question.

Definitely - the parents should be backing up each other in front of the kids. Once they know there is not a united front...your life will be miserable through the "drama-queen" years.

I agree with a different poster. If she wasn't sharing an eraser,s he should have been asked to find a different activity.

 

[golfgal]

First, why are you getting involved over a squabble over an eraser in the first place--my answer would have been, go work it out yourselves.

Second-how often does the 8 year old push the 12 year old's buttons and how often does the 8 year old get her way and the 12 year old has to give up her way?

Third-why are you calling your DD a brat in a very mean way? Do you talk to her this way?

Fourth--taking anything away from a 12 year old for 15 minutes is not a punishment and if you continue to be that ineffective as a parent, your daughter will never behave.

Fifth-for all those that said the 12 year old is "hormonal" and this is "normal teen stuff", no it is not "normal" and just because a lot of teens act this way doesn't mean you have to allow this behavior.

OP, the more you get involved in these types of issues with your girls the more they will fight. Let them learn to work things out on their own. If they start yelling and you can't stand it, send them outside to work it out. Your 12 year old now things you are on the side of your 8 year old and that is only going to cause more problems down the road.

 

[mhsjax]

So you should never be involved in the kids arguing. Sorry, not happening. You shouldn't get involved in everything, but during a family visit it would be beyond rude to let them continue to fight, The parent need to be the parent and handle it. The youngest is only 8.

And maybe just maybe the phone being taken away for 15 minute is effective for her daughter. It would be for mine. but my son could care less, Really how do you know what is effective for her daughter and what isn't.

And does that mom have to always side with the 12 year old so the DD12 won't think that mom is on the 8 year old side. That is crazy. I have 3 and I side with different ones on different things. And sometimes I tell them to work it out.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Yes, I agree Golfgal, that it isn't always good to intercede in the 'small things', the everyday riff-raff.

You make an excellent point!

I am not addressing this towards your comments... Just furthering this conversation.... I didn't really mention the 'stay out of it' thing, and perhaps others also did not mention it, because the larger issues here seem so much more important.

Also, even if it would be my policy to, most of the time, at home, stay out of it as much as possible... in the middle of the room, at parents, on Mother's Day... You bet I would intercede. I would be having NONE of that.

Like others said... The moment the parent told the DD to share the eraser, it went way further than a meaningless sibling squabble... It became a direct ignore and disobey of a parents directive.

I do think that there are some more serious issues here... Based on the dad's direct and almost sarcastic undermining of the OP.... There is a LOT more going on here with this family.

 

[declansdad]

OP here - PP said "If the kids know you're divided you're toast" my reply OMG


Mnmomtoboys said "Because not having the phone makes them incapable of breathing. What would happen if they got a text?

EXACTLY what I was thinking! When you threaten to take their phone away they usually will do what you say. Thanks everyone for understanding that DH should have sided with me.....hopefully next time he will.

I don't think he should have sided with you, although he could have given it back in a better way. If this incident cause your daughter to lose all respect for you, you have other issues.

 

[declansdad]

I honestly don't know of a single middle schooler who doesn't have a cellphone. Even elementary school children have them. My kids would have a lot less freedom than they do now without them.

There is no need for a child that young to have a cell phone.

 

[mhsjax]

There is no need for a child that young to have a cell phone.

This is not a debate about cell phones. And that is your opinion. but some parents want their kids to have them. Mine don't but some of their friends do. So what. no big deal. Mine get theirs in 6th grade.

 

[mhsjax]

I don't think he should have sided with you, although he could have given it back in a better way. If this incident cause your daughter to lose all respect for you, you have other issues.

To have the other parent disregard what the other parent has done in front of the kids is not a good thing. If he didn't agree with her he could have spoken to her behind closed doors. Just like I and my hubby have done, plenty of times.

And declansdad, I am assuming that you have only 1 child. If I am wrong I apologize, but there is a HUGE difference in parenting 1 child and parenting 2 or more. Sorry but it is true, parents of one don't have anywhere near the issues that other parents do. I am an only child (technically, brother and sis were grown when I was born). Also my kids have several friends that are only's and there are always confused by having to deal with sibling rivalry.

 

[declansdad]

This is not a debate about cell phones. And that is your opinion. but some parents want their kids to have them. Mine don't but some of their friends do. So what. no big deal. Mine get theirs in 6th grade.

I was responding to another post, didn't realize that was against the rules.

 

[golfgal]

Yes, I agree Golfgal, that it isn't always good to intercede in the 'small things', the everyday riff-raff.

You make an excellent point!

I am not addressing this towards your comments... Just furthering this conversation.... I didn't really mention the 'stay out of it' thing, and perhaps others also did not mention it, because the larger issues here seem so much more important.

Also, even if it would be my policy to, most of the time, at home, stay out of it as much as possible... in the middle of the room, at parents, on Mother's Day... You bet I would intercede. I would be having NONE of that.

Like others said... The moment the parent told the DD to share the eraser, it went way further than a meaningless sibling squabble... It became a direct ignore and disobey of a parents directive.

I do think that there are some more serious issues here... Based on the dad's direct and almost sarcastic undermining of the OP.... There is a LOT more going on here with this family.

I guess I was thinking more along the lines that if she had not been interfering with these little squabbles a LONG TIME ago, it wouldn't have happened yesterday. I would have stopped it at a family gathering as well, but I would have taken the eraser away from BOTH children for fighting over something so stupid.

And, yes, mhsjax, you should stay out of small squabbles like this with kids or they never learn to handle them on their own no matter what the age difference is.

 

[declansdad]

To have the other parent disregard what the other parent has done in front of the kids is not a good thing. If he didn't agree with her he could have spoken to her behind closed doors. Just like I and my hubby have done, plenty of times.

And declansdad, I am assuming that you have only 1 child. If I am wrong I apologize, but there is a HUGE difference in parenting 1 child and parenting 2 or more. Sorry but it is true, parents of one don't have anywhere near the issues that other parents do. I am an only child (technically, brother and sis were grown when I was born). Also my kids have several friends that are only's and there are always confused by having to deal with sibling rivalry.

Yes I only have one child and there is a difference but that doesn't make it any easier. And I do understand sibling rivalry, I have two brothers.

The OP's punishment still didn't fit the crime.

 

[mhsjax]

I guess I was thinking more along the lines that if she had not been interfering with these little squabbles a LONG TIME ago, it wouldn't have happened yesterday. I would have stopped it at a family gathering as well, but I would have taken the eraser away from BOTH children for fighting over something so stupid.

And, yes, mhsjax, you should stay out of small squabbles like this with kids or they never learn to handle them on their own no matter what the age difference is.

Oh I do stay out of them at home, until I think they will kill each other. But out and about, I give them that Clint Eastwood voice and they know that they better straighten up fast, or I will "make their day" lol