Vent about DH not siding with me about daughter

[disneydreamersx4]

first, we have been married 13 years. We were at inlaws for Mother's Day and DD-12 was not sharing her eraser with her sister-8 (they were drawing things. What a brat! So I told DD-12 if you don't share your eraser then I'm going to take your cell phone away. I counted to three and she gave the eraser to her sister. But then she wouldn't share it again so I got up and took the cell phone away and DH said give it to him. Ok, I did. I said DD can't have the cell phone for 15 minutes, he counted to 15 and then gave the phone back to DD-12!

Boy did we have a talking when we got home last night. And he thinks I was ridiculous! I told him he made DD-12 lose all respect for me.

anyone have a similar story to share and how they got DH/So to be on your side in front of children?

edit to say- DD-12 is very mean to sister and this was just one of those days that I had had enough of her not doing a simple thing like sharing an eraser.

 

[foolishmortal]

maybe its the male in me too, but taking a cell phone away for something as small as not sharing an eraser is pretty outlandish to me.

we only take our sons cell phone away for big things like bad grades, etc...

could have took pencil away and made her do something away fro mthe sister she was fueding. our boys fight like this all the time 1 always wants or nee3ds what the other has, so we make them do seperate things when it gets out of hand, but no taking away a cell phone, even for 15 minutes what does that do?????

 

[turkeymama]

maybe its the male in me too, but taking a cell phone away for something as small as not sharing an eraser is pretty outlandish to me.

we only take our sons cell phone away for big things like bad grades, etc...

could have took pencil away and made her do something away fro mthe sister she was fueding. our boys fight like this all the time 1 always wants or nee3ds what the other has, so we make them do seperate things when it gets out of hand, but no taking away a cell phone, even for 15 minutes what does that do?????

It isn't the male in you. I agree.

The punishment should fit the crime. Taking the cell phone away for not sharing an eraser seems a little extreme. HOWEVER, I don't think it is a good idea for parents to question each other's judgement in front of the child. Walk away, do it behind closed doors, and come out with a united front.

 

[ncmickeyluvr]

I would feel the same way. Maybe your punishment was a bit much....but your dh should have backed you up and talked to you about it when you got home. Your child should never see that. I think it's time for a big sit down with your dh....away from the children.

 

[laurafergie]

maybe its the male in me too, but taking a cell phone away for something as small as not sharing an eraser is pretty outlandish to me.

we only take our sons cell phone away for big things like bad grades, etc...

could have took pencil away and made her do something away fro mthe sister she was fueding. our boys fight like this all the time 1 always wants or nee3ds what the other has, so we make them do seperate things when it gets out of hand, but no taking away a cell phone, even for 15 minutes what does that do?????

I have to agree.

However - I might have said to the DD12:

"Since you are acting like a 5 year old, instead of a 12 year old, because you can't seem to be able to remember how to share - How would you like to sit in the corner in time out until you remember how old you are?"

I guarantee that will work - especially if you actually follow through. Did it to my DD when she was 15!! having a fit with her younger sister - I though my DH would die laughing in the bathroom.

 

[Eeyore'sthebest]

While what your DH did was wrong, I'm not quite sure what you were hoping to accomplish by taking away her cell phone for 15 minutes.

And did you give your DD a second warning when she wouldn't share? I know you probably shouldn't have to but maybe that's what he was upset about.
But yes, your DH should have backed you on your punishment. It wasn't as if you were beating her or taking her cell phone for a week. Even if he didn't agree he should have sided with you in this case.

 

[wenrob]

Seems like it would have been more reasonable to take the eraser away. Taking her phone was a little over the top and is only going to make her find ways to make her sister pay when you're not around. Maybe that's what your DH was thinking?

That said, a united front is paramount and if your DH was not happy with the punishment he should have said so later, never, ever in front of the child. If the kids know you're divided you're toast. They'll start playing you against each other.

 

[OceanAnnie]

I think he should have stuck by you and the two of you could have talked about it later. It isn't good for one parent to usurp another parent's discipline unless in the case of extremes (and yours wasn't). I can see why you are upset. He should respect or at least abide by your decisions first and foremost. Especially in front of the kids. If he doesn't like it, he should talk to you about it out of the earshot of the kids. The last thing you want is for your child to hear your DH say your discipline is ridiculous. You guys should be on the same page about a united front.

Discipline is a challenge at any age. Sometimes it's hard for the punishment to fit the crime. You have to have leverage that means something to them. I understand why you chose the phone. The amount of time you took it away is debatable, but when you are dolling out the punishment there are times it just comes out before you have a chance to think it through.

 

[ICF]

It's good if the parents show a "united front" to the children, but I think taking the phone away is a strange punishment for what was going on.

Besides, is losing the phone for 15 whole minutes, really much of a punishment to begin with???

 

[luvmy3]

I agree with everyone else, your punishment was a little to harsh for the crime however your dh should have backed you up on it. You could have discussed it after when the kids weren't around and then come to an agreement on how things like that could be handled in the future. What he did was totally disrespectful to you and now your dd knows she can play you two against eachother if needed.

 

[MnMomtoboys]

While what your DH did was wrong, I'm not quite sure what you were hoping to accomplish by taking away her cell phone for 15 minutes.

And did you give your DD a second warning when she wouldn't share? I know you probably shouldn't have to but maybe that's what he was upset about.
But yes, your DH should have backed you on your punishment. It wasn't as if you were beating her or taking her cell phone for a week. Even if he didn't agree he should have sided with you in this case.

Because not having the phone makes them incapable of breathing. What would happen if they got a text?

Even if your dh thought you were wrong he should of waited until you were alone. But not to worry it won't be long before you can show a united front,

 

[disneydreamersx4]

OP here - PP said "If the kids know you're divided you're toast" my reply OMG


Mnmomtoboys said "Because not having the phone makes them incapable of breathing. What would happen if they got a text?

EXACTLY what I was thinking! When you threaten to take their phone away they usually will do what you say. Thanks everyone for understanding that DH should have sided with me.....hopefully next time he will.

 

[MushyMushy]

It's good if the parents show a "united front" to the children, but I think taking the phone away is a strange punishment for what was going on.

Besides, is losing the phone for 15 whole minutes, really much of a punishment to begin with???

You must not have an adolescent with a cell phone. They'll DIE without their phone, even for 14.5 minutes!

(yep, hubby should have backed you up -- sounds like you were at the end of your rope with her and you might not have had any other options at that moment)

 

[princessmom29]

Bottom line:
She is 12. She knows better, and was just doing it to tease/annoy little sis. Apparently it is an ongoing problem. This issue is not simply the eraser, but how she teats her sister. If this was the culmination of a long series of nasty actions by big sis I would have taken the phone away, and for a lot more than 15 min. Not over the eraser, but because she had been repeatedly corrected about how she treats her sister and chose not to listen.

 

[OceanAnnie]

Bottom line:
She is 12. She knows better, and was just doing it to tease/annoy little sis. Apparently it is an ongoing problem. This issue is not simply the eraser, but how she teats her sister. If this was the culmination of a long series of nasty actions by big sis I would have taken the phone away, and for a lot more than 15 min. Not over the eraser, but because she had been repeatedly corrected about how she treats her sister and chose not to listen.

Yep! I was thinking a day would be a good start. I agree, it wasn't about just the eraser. Treating sister badly. Not listening to mom.

 

[mjkacmom]

My dd13 can certainly last 15 minutes without her phone, so she would've been fine with that punishment (and the darn thing does go off every minute). My DH would NEVER have over-ridden a punishment I dished out, and it would even be rare for me to do the same to him, even if I didn't agree. Dd13 is mean to dd9 - actually, she's mean to all of her siblings (gotta love a teen). If she acted so childish as to not give her sister an eraser, I would've been very annoyed, especially if I had to tell her twice (it is so irritating when they pick on their younger siblings!).

 

[Wishing on a star]

Okay, no matter what one thinks about the cell-phone ultimatum....
The husband was SOOOO WRONG in undermining the OP, right there...
Bottom line, you and your DH need to have a big 'come to jesus' talk about discipline and creating a united front.

HOWEVER, I do have to agree with those who find the whole "I'll take your cell-phone for 15 min." approach...

It just makes no sense...
No cell-phone for 15 minutes????????

That is over-engaging, micro-managing, no relation between the 'crime' and the 'punishment', etc....

If I had heard the younger sibling becoming upset because of this type of behavior for more than a few minutes, maybe for the second or third request... I would simply have walked over... used my best very firm 'momma' voice... "Hand me the eraser.... now, please".... Calmly and immediately handed the eraser to the younger kid, and commanded the DD to "Since you can't share and cooperate together, then leave the room and go find something else to do."

Period,
No discussion...

I don't believe in negotiation or argument with a child who seems to be behaving on the level of a pre-schooler. As the old saying goes... don't argue with a 3 year old, because you will never win!!!!

Okay, again, this is off topic, and I am just giving my personal opinion... But, don't even get me started on a kid that age having a cellphone... much less using that perk, on a moment by moment basis, as a disciplinary/control method.

 

[BelleRocks]

My advice would be to talk to your husband privately about not undermining each other in front of your children.

This is EXTREMELY important and not a small issue. Once a kid knows they can divide and conquer, they will do so!

This happened with me and my hubby once, and hubby actually went back to DD11 and explained to her that while it might not have seemed like it yesterday, he and mom stand together, she needs to respect mom, etc.

If my husband or I disagree with how we handled something with DD, we talk about it in private. If one of us "overreacted" etc, then the one who did it will go back and talk to DD about it.

 

[TwinsinCA]

So neither pencil had an eraser on the end and they had one eraser to share -- is that correct?

 

[mjkacmom]

I honestly don't know of a single middle schooler who doesn't have a cellphone. Even elementary school children have them. My kids would have a lot less freedom than they do now without them.