valentines day and pragmatism

[hrh_disney_queen]

I agree with all of the above. If you don't ask for something, chances are you are not going to get it. You may get a surprise that you like, but if you get a surprise that you don't like you have no one to blame but yourself. We stopped gifting a long time ago. We have what we need, we buy what we want. I have bought a little thing under $10 on occasion, but no big gifts anymore.

What really touches me is when my DH gets the boys together and washes my car for my birthday. That is better than anything I could buy for myself.

Also, when I want Valentines candy, I go out on the 15th and get it for half price. What a difference a day makes!

 

[AmazingGrace]

My dh and i have been married 20 years and we didn't even celebrate yesterday. Okay, we did go out for a sundae at sonic without the kids. But no cards, no flowers(I hate cut flowers, they're already dead by then, buy and plant me a rose bush instead) no candy(yeah, we REALLy need more candy) We all went to dinner as a family on friday so we were all surrounded by loved ones and no one was left out. That was enough for me. Dh knows i love him every day. We have date nights on a regular basis and from april till November, the last rose bushes DH planted are usually overflowingWe don't need a holiday.

 

[VickiVM]

Just curious...Have any of the male DIS'ers complained about not getting what they wanted for Valentines Day???

(I think I know what they wanted, wink, wink)!

 

[Nancyg56]

Based on my observation, some people take a perverse joy in being disappointed by their partners. That's why they leave their desires vague and why the revel in the failure of their partner to respond properly. How else could you explain it? If they really wanted a particular set of behavior from their spouse, they'd let them know directly what they expected.

I think I agree with this. I wonder if some people set themselves up to be let down. I know that it is not romantic to tell your spouse what you want but it is one way to avoid being disappointed.

He may not be a mind reader, but he is my husband and I do expect him to know my likes, dislikes and enough about me to make good choices when it comes to gift giving. I feel sorry for the women who feel they always have to tell their spouse what they want. Have I told him specific things I want throughout the years, of course. But most holidays I assume my husband is the one person I shouldn't have to tell what I want, he should know me better than anyone else.

I'm glad you got a lot out of the advice your mother gave you. But if ever feel like I need to say that to my daughter, then I think the better advice will be to tell her she shouldn't be marrying him, because her expectations are way too low. To say a woman has no one to blame but herself if their spouse doesn't know what to give them for a gift without her telling him, certainly isn't saying much about the spouse.

I know you mean well but this only works if you marry a man who is that intuitive. If my Mom had advised me not to marry my DH becasue he sucked at giftgiving I would not be living with the love of my life. He is a terrible gift giver, is uncomfortable with mushy holidays, cannot pick a card out to save his own life. The only time I got flowers from him really came from his brother. The gifts he gives me are generally picked out by my DD. We never exchange big gifts on any Holiday, just little things.

Now I am not going to say that I would not like him to be a romantic man who hears what I want and then goes out and "surprises" me with it, there are times when I wish for that. But hose times are never long.

Like a PP, my DH trudges out and starts my car in the winter, he hauls my laundry basket down the stairs, he splits wood so that I can park myself in front of a fire every night. He loves my kids and raised them as his own, swooped my extended family, including my IL's from my previous marraige under his wing. His language of love is not in a card and certainly not in a present.

I know that it is important that a man know the woman he marries and is responsive to her. Unfortunately that man may be gift challenged unless he is told what to buy. I htink the important thing is weather that man you would advise your DD to avoid loves her and cherishes and respects her. They then can work out how to deal with Holiday and gift giving occasion. It is as important that she respects him and knows his comfort level in this as well. His Mom might be telling him to run for cover if your DD was not willing to communicate her choices and "expected him to be a mind reader"

 

[wdwfan16]

To some people it doesn't matter about things like Valentine's Day or any kind of gift giving and to some it does.

And there are many spouses that are told what the other wants and still choose to get something else. (like the OP in the other thread)

I have told dh for years that he doesn't have to buy expensive flower arrangements, stop and pick some wildflowers on the way home. Nor does he have to do it for Valentine's day or Mother's day--if he just did things like that any time at all. He doesn't do any of the above.

As for men can scrub the bathroom. Well, I tell you why I don't think of that as "doing something for me". Its his bathroom too. I work everyday too. Its just as much his responsibility as it is mine. Same with the kitchen floor. And the baby, actually, if there was one.


Some people are just not romantic in the dinner by candlelight, rubbing your feet, breakfast in bed kinda way. They do better buying little gifts. Some don't do either. I got lucky, mine doesn't do either.


Do you all really not think that ANY of these spouses who are complaining have TOLD their husbands any of this?? I know I have. And he stopped and picked some beautiful purple flowers on the way home one day. That ended that. I have mentioned it again, but he doesn't do it. Sometimes it really is the other person, not just the one complaining.

Was he romantic when you were dating or just the same? If you say just the same then why would you expect him to be different now? Were his parents romantic or did they just skip this type of stuff. I think much of how a man deals with this is how he saw his father deal with his mother.

My DH is just the same now as he was when we were dating. He wrote me beautiful letters when I was away at a different college. He would buy something special just because. He still does now.

My DH cleans all 3 of our bathrooms. I am more the duster and decorator. He loves to vacuum and we both cook and clean the kitchen. We also both shovel the snow and mow the lawn.

DH was upset that the gift he ordered did not make it in time. The snow was definitely a factor. He still had a card and made me chocolate chip pancakes. We never make them as they are more a dessert than a good breakfast. He had to go out on Saturday in this crappy weather to get the CCs. He also did the dishes, cooked and did the floor yesterday too. He is great with the kids and a very kind person. I know that I lucked out. Yesterday he told me, "He hit the jackpot when he married me." I know I feel the same way as he does.

 

[wdwfan16]

Did you read the threads after christmas? some of the folks on this board do not like surprises, they know what they want & that's what they want or except. then we have the will my DH should be able to find the "perfect"gift & if they don't then maybe then don't listen or know then know well enough. And then right now I think sometimes we feel a little guitly if we think they spent too much, like we are not deserving.

For us DH took the kids skiing, it was sunday & that is what we do on Sundays. I had to go to work to catch up. Then we cooked Steak & Lobster for dinner & watch the Olympics with the kids. they got to stay up late because no school today. Great night.

Kae

People were complaining about how their cards were addressed or signed!!!

 

[Southerngirl71]

DH and I are probably the worse. I made him pinky swear not to get me anything (even a card). I also did not get him anything. We both spent lots of money on each other for Christmas. We have both been busy so we decided to spend the day together. We went to see The Wolfman (I know, I know how romantic is that....but it did have somewhat of a love story in it), went to lunch and ended it by going to a Mardi Gras parade (we have not done that since before we were married 12 years ago). We had such a great time. I think I am Hallmarks worse enemy. Please don't be upset but I am just not into greeting cards. I would much rather a simple love letter which we do from time to time for no special reason.

 

[nebo]

What I hate is that DH's Birthday is the day before Valentines and we can never go out for a meal since everywhere hikes up their prices for the whole week surrounding valentines

Iboy, do I relate! my birthday is Oct. 14. now we have Sweetest Day, which is always the sat nearest my birthday. we can never use the Entertainment book, Restaurant.com, etc. for my birthday cause of that! but it doesn't matter now anyway, I can't go outthat mnight cause I will be waitressing for Sweetest day!!!

I don't see what the big fuss is about Valentine's Day. If you want to celebrate it, that's fine. If you don't want to, that's fine. I just don't see why people need to make others feel bad about their decisions. Just because YOU (a general you ) think it's a stupid Hallmark holiday doesn't mean I need to feel bad for celebrating it.

you misunderstood, I am thrilled that people are going out for pricey dinners, celebrating it! I made decent money both sat and sun night! celebrating it is fimne, I just think people are silly for complaing about the presents. and we now have 2 "stupid" hallmark holidays.
it seems a lot of people agree.

 

[smidgy]

I just postede under hubby Nebo's name... again! sorry honey!

 

[Piglets Mommy]

I just postede under hubby Nebo's name... again! sorry honey!

I got all excited when I saw Smidgy & Nebo posting on the same thread! You two have brought lots of joy and laughter....proof that you don't need fancy gifts to show you care!

 

[smidgy]

I disagree. I think her post was a lot less rude than all the other posts on here, especially the OP's.

I didn't say anything dif. than most of the posters who agree with me. I was not rude, just stated an opinion about people (in general) who complain about presents etc. on this day.. I am a pragmatist, is all .

I think there are probably more of us than people realize. Poor DH was getting so upset because he had not gotten a gift for me and didn't send me flowers. I broke it to him gently that the older I get, the more silly it seems to spend a lot of money just for the sake of Valentine's Day.

I agree with your sentiments. DH and I have been married almost 12 years. If I'm sitting around hanging all my "romantic" expectations on one day of the year, we've got bigger problems than a bunch of flowers. We have barely gotten past Christmas, DH and Dsis have birthdays immediately after Valentine's Day, and DS's birthday comes shortly after that. I can't see spending a ton of money on flowers that will die or on candy (which DH brings me frequently anyway since he appreciates my chocolate addiction, thank you very much).

For those people who can get all excited about it, more power to you. I think it's great that you see the joy and love in the special day. I'm certainly not bitter about it, but I do find it silly that people seem to get so worked up about it. Not silly enough that I'll lose sleep about it. It takes all kinds to make the world go around.

this is partly what I was trying to say. be romantic all you want. (I strongly urge you to dine out!!!) but how silly to spend a lot of money(as a couple), then complain about it. why not save the money for something you really want? (like a disney trip)

I got all excited when I saw Smidgy & Nebo posting on the same thread! You two have brought lots of joy and laughter....proof that you don't need fancy gifts to show you care!

aw shucks... thanks piglet's mommy! nice to see you