Urg... I love my MIL, but she has no respect for me or anyone

[MsDisney23]

I just need to vent. I love my MIL, she is 78. She is very controlling and has to know everything or else she is like a two year old and has a tanturm! She does not care what she says to people, it is how she says it. She has been over to my home many of times and has disrespected me, my home and my guest. DH knows how upset I get and he tells me that he knows how she is. Well today she invited herself over, no big deal, but she thinks she can come in and take over my home and do whatever she wants.

The last time she came over she pushed me out of the way to fold my laundry. I told her to please not do that as the last time she helped herself to the laundry room to fold clothes. I told her then to not do them as I had told my DD to fold the clothes, Well dd left without doing it, so I left them there for her to do when she got home. In comes MIL and does them anyway. So I explained to her that I was upset as she is not helping me with my DD.

Today she comes in, my house (which is brand-new) is spotless due to the fact that I cleaned my butt off yesterday. My dryer was running in the laundry room. MIL asked if there was laundry to do. I said no. today when the buzzer went off, she jumped up and ran in there, I told her to please leave the laundry there as I would do it. (note-dd is florida on vac.) She told me no, she was going to do them. I again said no please leave them there, as your getting me upset, then again she told me she would do them, I told her she was making me mad! She said Oh well. I said well then Don't come back anymore

At that point she got pissed and said that she would not do them and sat down. She then started with her poutiness, as she did not get her way. I acted as though nothing had happened. I feel it is her problem. I am tired of it and today it just came out of my mouth. Wonder if this has something to do with me not feeling well. Anywho, it came out and I feel much better now.

What really pisses me off, is that I do not mind if she helps me with things, but she will then run back to everyone in the family and make it sound as though she had to do this, that and the other for me! She also does this same thing to her 85 year old sister. She will tell me that I do not want to go and visit her because she has to end up working. not true, I know she goes in and just wants to take over and control everything. Thanks for listening, I feel better now!

 

[Skywalker]

I was feeling sorry for the helpful and kindly little old lady right up until the part about going back to family members and making it seem as though you are so lazy that she just had to do this or that for you. I have been there, done that with a sister in law. That is infuriating! You definitely deserve admiration for speaking your mind and letting her know her behaviour is not okay. Hopefully that one time will be all she needs to get the message. Way to go! You are my hero LOL

 

[Bichon Barb]

I feel your pain. My mom does the same thing, and I get offended. I take it to mean "you don't do a good job taking care of your house, so I will". But in reality, I think she just wants to be helpful. Or maybe she wants to be part of the family and not just "company".

Oh, LOL, and she's always bringing food over. (Maybe she thinks I don't feed my family. Think the mother on Everyone Loves Raymond.)

I think we both should try to welcome it and hand them a dust cloth.

 

[inaminute]

The woman is 78 years old. She wants to help with household chores. It's most likely making her feel like she still has a place in life. It probably helps her feel like a part of the family. It's not as if she's interfering in something important. She wants to do laundry! Letting her help doesn't mean you're inadequate. It means you've noticed she needs something to do. The bonus is that you get the laundry done while you do something more important!

Who cares if she tells other family members what she does at your house? They probably go through the same thing with her. Are you really going to live the rest of your life worrying about what other people think?

If it makes her happy, let her have at it. And don't worry about what "other people" think. She IS your husbands mother after all. Trust me, there WILL come a day when you'd give anything to have her there to help.

 

[Antonia]

Amen. Let her fold the laundry if it makes her happy.

 

[poochie]

Originally posted by Bichon Barb
I feel your pain. My mom does the same thing, and I get offended. I take it to mean "you don't do a good job taking care of your house, so I will". But in reality, I think she just wants to be helpful. Or maybe she wants to be part of the family and not just "company".

Oh, LOL, and she's always bringing food over. (Maybe she thinks I don't feed my family. Think the mother on Everyone Loves Raymond.)

I think we both should try to welcome it and hand them a dust cloth.

I would give the world for my mom to be able to come over and take over.

It will be 13 yrs this winter we lost her to cancer, I still have bouts of tears every now and then. Out of the 5 kids I felt closest to her, but I am sure we all feel that way, and it was a very painful time during her sickness. She was always stopping bye to say hi, always showing all her grandchildren her unconditional love with no favortism. Always there to listen during rough times. There are times I see her in my daughter with her love of children and dance. You see my mother was a dancer when she was young before she met my DF. Now my daughter who used to show her the new steps she learned now teaches dance to children showing them her love. I guess its Mom showing me how she never really left us.

Remember no matter how frustrating your DM or MIL is there will come a time that they are no longer there. Cherish the time you have with them and be sure that your children build memories they can take with them.

I'm sorry this is so long but I guess reading this thread brought one of my memories crashing back and I just had to share the importance of family.

 

[Robinrs]

She's wrong to go to others with the stuff she says but the people who tell you what she says are WRONG-er.... if that IS a word!

God bless her, if she wants to come over and fold my clothes, I'll let her! She can tell anyone anything she likes afterwards, just fold them!

I'm with you, poochie, my Mom was a mess but I'd give ANYTHING to have one more minute with her. Just one more minute....

 

[buzzlady]

Send her over to my house. I wouldn't mind her help. She is 78 years old and just set in her ways (and probably needs to feel "needed"). You know the truth that you did not make her fold the laundry. Let her help.

 

[poohtown]

1. I understand because my mil is the same way too. She will insist on doing things because no one else can do them as well as her, then she complains to everyone that she has to do everything....or, if you do something good, it somehow is all due to her influence.

2. Since she does this all the time, everyone realized she had to be the family martyr (spelling?). So now I let her do whatever she wants, listen to her comlain, say 'uh huh' and 'i know' alot and let it roll off my back.

3. Mikes Hard Lemonade helps!!!!

 

[SandraM]

I feel your pain, my mother occasionally comes to stay, and in between criticisms, she will "help" by tidying up, putting things away and so on. It takes us weeks after one of her visits to get back in order!
She complains about other people to me, and I'm sure she complains about me to other people, perhaps your MIL is the same. I think as mothers get older, they get more critical of people who don't do things "their" way.
I do love my mother, but I prefer to see her in short bursts where she can't do much damage!!

 

[BuzznBelle'smom]

Our MIL's must be twins separated at birth (and a few years!). Aside from the hard lemonade, I find that distance helps--she's 200 miles away, can't come over uninvited. The smaller doses help, too.

When my third DD was born, she came out to help out. i think she held the baby twice (she's not much into infants), but she cleaned everything in sight! I told her she could come back any time! My philosophy is, my cleaning is never going ot meet her standards. Ever. So, why get worked up about it? I have 3 young children, and it shows. I actually feel sorry for her, because when we're all (10 of us, including BIL's gang) there, she runs around after everyone, cleaning up the slightest crumb before it hits the floor. We're only there for a few days--chill out, enjoy your family, the dirt will be there! But she can't--it's sad, really.

All that said, yeah, you have the right to fold your own laundry, if you really want to pick that fight. And it may be worth "Picking", if there's an issue with your DD. But I would just go into the laundry room briefly and turn off the buzzer or open the door when she showed up, just to avoid the fight. Your sanity is worth the inconvenience.

 

[jwsqrdplus2]

After nearly 10 years of marriage with 2 MILs (DH's parents are divorced and both remarried), I have decided that I can tolerate the "helping." When they leave, I put everything back where it belongs, and I detox the kids (from the spoiling!). My mom usualy offers before helping which works out better in my opinion!

 

[Bichon Barb]

My mom and dad lived in my house and took care of my dogs for nine days this summer while we were on vacation. I so appreciate them doing that. (But I'm still putting things back where I like them to go. )

Poochie, thank you for your honest post. As much as I pick on my mom, I love her dearly, and I know I will be missing her someday. to you.

 

[CEDmom]

I feel your pain. My MIL and I are not close at all for many reasons. I don't get though how you can love her if she doesn't show you any respect or care about your feelings. Maybe it's just me but if anyone treated me like this "love" would not be a word I'd associate with them. Good luck.

 

[Lewski709]

Mothers and MIL's big difference with us ladies. I don't mind my mom helping like that, but if my MIL were to do it (which would be a miracle in itself as she never stays more than 10 min, or visits more than 2 x's a year and lives about 20min away) I wouldn't like it one bit.

The last time my MIL was over for dinner, she said "we only came because you had it ready". Gee thanks and don't let the door hit your big butt on the way out either. That was the LAST time I invited them for dinner.

I feel your pain.

 

[dbogen]

Originally posted by poohtown
3. Mikes Hard Lemonade helps!!!! [/B]

Have you tried the Limeade yed. Most delicious.

To the OP my Dear MIL would do the dusting and laundry when I went back to work after DS was born. It made me feel like I wasn't good enough for her son. She said she couldn't just sit and do nothing while the baby was sleeping. She had been gone now(taken to young by cancer) for 7 years now and I would love for her to come and clean my house.
I agree with others its just her way of helping out, she is set in her ways. I do however feel if you have asked her nicely not to do something she should respect that. Maybe you can have her do something else you don't really like to do. Maybe clean the windows LOL

Deanna

 

[CEDmom]

Originally posted by Lewski709
Mothers and MIL's big difference with us ladies. I don't mind my mom helping like that, but if my MIL were to do it (which would be a miracle in itself as she never stays more than 10 min, or visits more than 2 x's a year and lives about 20min away) I wouldn't like it one bit.

The last time my MIL was over for dinner, she said "we only came because you had it ready". Gee thanks and don't let the door hit your big butt on the way out either. That was the LAST time I invited them for dinner.

I feel your pain.

Great picture!! ITA, I meant to add that to my post. My own mom can do just about anything and it doesn't phase me one bit. I guess it's because I love her and she's done so much for me and also DH. My MIL on the other hand is a completely different story. Luckily but also sadly my DH feels about the same towards his mother as I do.

 

[Beth76]

Why is it that just because a person is old, they can get away with being rude and obnoxious? If the OP doesn't want her MIL to fold her laundry, then the woman shouldn't do it. If she pulled that with me, I would tell her to leave.

 

[Pop Daddy]

just go give her a big ole kiss

 

[browneyes]

I think I'd have to nickname her The Laundry Bandit.