Upset Daddy

[cornflake]

I don't understand what the big deal about locking the bedroom door is. We do it all the time. We don't want the 23m old busting in at just "any" time. He can operate the knob, but if it is locked, he knows to knock. None of my kids sleep with us, nor have they ever. They are used to, and like, their own beds. If my 3 year old got up for some silliness like the OP's in the middle of the night, we would simply tell her "go back to bed."

Because it clearly isn't normally locked, and was used as a threat to keep the kid from bothering them.

If the house standard operating procedure is a locked bedroom door that the kid knocks on and parents are aware a little kid may be softly knocking, then no big deal. If the house standard is unlocked doors, and the threat is 'we'll lock everyone's bedroom doors if you keep coming in bedrooms at night' it'd likely read to a 5-year-old as he'll be alone and without help or recourse.

If his standard isn't to knock on inside doors, if they're not locked in general, then it's not just no big deal like it is in a house like yours, in which it's how it works. It's a scary shunning type threat. It wasn't 'we'll lock the doors and then you'll have to knock,' because he doesn't want him to knock.

 

[mrsklamc]

Several people have mentioned allowing the kid to get in their bed, and I don't even think that's something the kid is asking for. He wants someone to come tuck him back into HIS bed.

 

[scrapquitler]

what.. people..
didn't you ever watch supernanny?

I am in the camp of "kids need their own bed"

& Parents need their own bedtime together........

So the little kid should be brave enough to be in his room alone while the big adults get to have company? That seems like a bit of a double standard to me.

We always let our kids be in our bed if they felt they needed the comfort of Mom and Dad nearby. It didn't turn them into psychos or anything. Once in a while, we still end up with our 8 year old sleeping at the foot of the bed or on the floor next to our bed, its really not a big deal.

At times we'd say to our kids, look, Mom and Dad are really tired tonight , or Mom and Dad need some alone time tongiht, or "daddy needs to get up early tomorrow morning so he can get to the airport, you need to stay in your own bed tonight no matter what". That's fair, and they got that concept. But sometimes they just wanted to be with us, and that's okay too.

 

[happygirl]

So the little kid should be brave enough to be in his room alone while the big adults get to have company? That seems like a bit of a double standard to me.

We always let our kids be in our bed if they felt they needed the comfort of Mom and Dad nearby. It didn't turn them into psychos or anything. Once in a while, we still end up with our 8 year old sleeping at the foot of the bed or on the floor next to our bed, its really not a big deal.

At times we'd say to our kids, look, Mom and Dad are really tired tonight , or Mom and Dad need some alone time tongiht, or "daddy needs to get up early tomorrow morning so he can get to the airport, you need to stay in your own bed tonight no matter what". That's fair, and they got that concept. But sometimes they just wanted to be with us, and that's okay too.

I think it's a big deal for kids to sleep in there parents bed.

 

[mhsjax]

So the little kid should be brave enough to be in his room alone while the big adults get to have company? That seems like a bit of a double standard to me.

We always let our kids be in our bed if they felt they needed the comfort of Mom and Dad nearby. It didn't turn them into psychos or anything. Once in a while, we still end up with our 8 year old sleeping at the foot of the bed or on the floor next to our bed, its really not a big deal.

At times we'd say to our kids, look, Mom and Dad are really tired tonight , or Mom and Dad need some alone time tongiht, or "daddy needs to get up early tomorrow morning so he can get to the airport, you need to stay in your own bed tonight no matter what". That's fair, and they got that concept. But sometimes they just wanted to be with us, and that's okay too.

Parents get to do lots of things that kids don't. That is called being a grown up. I get to stay up late, my kids don't. I get to drink, my kids don't. I get to drive, my kids don't. All kids are afraid, letting them sleep with you isn't helping them deal with their fear. It is ok if you want to parent that way, but don't play the double standard thing. What about single parents, or parents that have a partner that works all night, (like I did) , how is that a double standard?

 

[mrsklamc]

Sleeping in their bed is not the issue. The child is not asking/wanting to sleep in their bed.

 

[Wishing on a star]

OP,

Your wife is in the wrong here...
But, really, so are you.
And that is probably making matters worse.

Yes, your child needs to sleep in his own bed without disturbing you!
I am in total agreement with you on that.
An entire of army of co-sleepers could never, ever, change my mind.

But, NO, I would not threaten to lock him out.
That is just so wrong.

Yes, it is your room, and yes, you should feel free to lock your door, when necessary for you and your wife. I have no problem locking our door... But it is always left unlocked for the night.

However, IMHO, it is not okay to threaten to lock a small child away like that. It just brings up too many issues of being rejected, abandonment. etc.

THE TWO BIG ISSUES HERE THAT I SEE ARE:
1. YOU AND YOUR WIFE CAN NOT FIND A WAY TO GET ON THE SAME PAGE. BELIEVE ME, WHEN YOUR CHILD IS JUST A LITTLE OLDER, THEY WILL, DEFINITELY, LEARN TO USE THE TWO OF YOU AGAINST EACH OTHER TO THEIR OWN ADVANTAGE. YOU SIMPLY HAVE TO BE A UNITED FRONT WHEN IT COMES TO PARENTING.

2. YOUR WIFE SEEMS TO BE WEARING THE PANTS IN THIS SITUATION, AND YOU SEEM TO EXPRESS A RELUCTANCE TO SAY ANYTHING. INSTEAD OF BRINGING IT UP IN AN ADVERSARIAL WAY, AND THREATENING TO LOCK YOUR LITTLE BOY OUT. (WHICH HAS MADE HER ALL THAT MUCH STRONGER IN HER INSISTENCE THAT IT IS OKAY IF HE COMES IN THERE AT NIGHT) YOU SHOULD TALK TO HER, ALONE, IN A CALM MANNER, AND JUST TELL HER THAT YOU NEED YOUR SLEEP, IT IS YOUR BED, AND YOU ARE LETTING HER KNOW THAT THIS IS NOT OKAY WITH YOU.... WORK TOGETHER TO COME UP WITH A SOLUTION.

Those here that have mentioned Super Nanny are right....
If her bed-time info is online anywhere, I would be looking it up.

 

[Wishing on a star]

8 year old sleeping at the foot of the bed or on the floor next to our bed, its really not a big deal.

I would consider that a HUGE deal.

It's all about growing up, gaining some independence, and respecting personal space.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

Sleeping in their bed is not the issue. The child is not asking/wanting to sleep in their bed.

It doesn't change the vast majority of responses. The point is he's waking the parents up every night (whether he actually gets into the bed or not) and there is disagreement about how to handle it on the part of the parents. We get it.

 

[Conservative Hippie]

My daughter just turned 4 last month. After previously sleeping in her own bed all night since she was 9 months old, she has been getting up in the middle of the night and wanting to sleep with mommy since my son was born 15 months ago. At first I knew it was because her world had completely changed, and I let her. I was sleeping in the guest room with the baby anyway, so she would climb into bed with me. Then DH started taking to sleep with him so I didn't have to deal with two kids. My son actually hated co-sleeping and liked his own space, so he moved into his own bed by 3 or 4 months. I thought I would be able to get DD back in her own bed, myself back into my own bed, and everything back to normal. Nope, DD still woke up crying every single night. After too many sleepless nights trying to get her to stay in bed, I gave up and moved back into the guest room and let her crawl in bed with me. It was the only way I could get enough sleep to function. It's been like this now for a year. Sometimes DH and I switch and I take our bedroom and he takes the guestroom so I don't have to deal with her feet in my face every single night. We tried leaving the guestroom empty and instead she came and crawled into our bed, which is NOT big enough for three! Lately she has managed to sleep in her own bed all night for a few nights, and when she does we make a big deal about it, lots of praise, special treat, etc. If I tell her she has to stay in her own bed, she will cry and wake up the baby and then I will have two crying kids in the middle of the night. I just don't know what to do. We have a good bedtime routine for her to get her settled, we flip her pillow over to the "good dream side," and she has favorite bedtime music. In fact we tell her if she wakes up in the middle of the night, she needs to restart her music and go back to bed, and the nights that she sleeps through in her own bed, that is exactly what she does. I am afraid if I start insisting she sleep in her own bed again I will get no sleep, so at this point I'm trying to wait it out.

Oh, and this makes things worse - at least once a month, my mother, "Nana," comes to visit and stays in the guestroom, and Nana has no problem with DD crawling into bed with her. I tried at one point to tell her not to let her, that we were trying to break the habit, and no, that did not work.

 

[Miz Diz]

Sleeping in their bed is not the issue. The child is not asking/wanting to sleep in their bed.

Maybe not sleeping in their bed, but I think he wants one of them sleeping in his bed. Why else would he get out of the bed to ask someone to put him in bed? I bet if they offered to put him in their bed, he would accept. OP says he is asking to be taken back to bed, but when OP takes him to bed, he cries.


The issue is that he is coming into the room and waking them up, which OP would like to stop. If OP wants it to stop, OP and wife have to come up with a plan that they stick to. A plan that will work with their child. They may have to try a few different things. Different children respond to different measures.

Others have offered suggestions on what they have done in similar situations. IMO, having a child come to your room every night - whether it is to ask for TANG (I had a co-worker tell me that her ds came to her room every night until he was 7, asking her to make him Tang, which is why I was determined to get my ds4 to quit coming to my room. Every time he came to my room, I thought about the Tang. I was not going to go through it 3 more years.) or get into bed or be asked to be put into bed - they are all similar situations.

 

[Jaxy0408]

He slept through the night YEAH!!!!

He got rewarded with a star wars book from Daddy.

Me and wife talked last night and agreed we both need to handle the situation differently. Every night he will be escorted to his room with no talking, kissing or pampering. Mom and Dad are now on same page and learned from this.

I plan on him sleeping tonight if not back to bed he goes. I like some others believe kids need to sleep in their own rooms.

thanks to all

 

[kisaacs]

He slept through the night YEAH!!!!

Woo hoo! I was going to suggest the "No more words" For our 3-year-old daughter, once she hears the phrase, "This is it. There will be no more words." she gets it and stays put. She may cry for a bit because she's stubborn, but she will stay put because she'd rather stay there and cry than come out and get escorted back to her room without any words or cuddling.

It's great that you figured out how to handle it in a way both of you could be on board with!

 

[shortbun]

Have you done ANY research into what is waking him? If it continues, I'd be taking him to the pediatrician for a check and some advice. The threats...are mean. Firmness is not. I'm glad he slept last night but if ne truly needs you, he should be able to get to you. He's 5. Don't expect him to act or reason like a grownup, he's 5. You could even spend some time during the day to ask him what is waking him. Imagine that.

 

[sookie]

comfort him and find out whats going on.

don't lock him out or the doors. if you lock him out - what if there was a fire? poor guy is probably having bad dreams - i can remember having awful dreams and being so scared at that age.

 

[sookie]

Have you done ANY research into what is waking him? If it continues, I'd be taking him to the pediatrician for a check and some advice. The threats...are mean. Firmness is not. I'm glad he slept last night but if ne truly needs you, he should be able to get to you. He's 5. Don't expect him to act or reason like a grownup, he's 5. You could even spend some time during the day to ask him what is waking him. Imagine that.

Thank you!!!!!!! I totally agree. He is five, not an adult. Threatening to lock him out is mean - not appropriate.

 

[Jaxy0408]

We don't lock doors. We talked things through. I have sat with him many times asking what wakes him up he said nothing. I ask if he scared he says no. When he woke up the AM i asked what his new secret to sleeping is he says what you told me Daddy I pretend sheep are jumping over a fence I have on my wall and I fall asleep. My heart melts. He is making me so proud.

 

[Buckalew11]

We don't lock doors. We talked things through. I have sat with him many times asking what wakes him up he said nothing. I ask if he scared he says no. When he woke up the AM i asked what his new secret to sleeping is he says what you told me Daddy I pretend sheep are jumping over a fence I have on my wall and I fall asleep. My heart melts. He is making me so proud.

good for him! It is important to learn to soothe yourself back to sleep. Whether it takes sheep, jumping Mickey Mouses , prayers... whatever works, it is a *skill* to learn that is helpful all your life.

You're a good, caring dad to work through this and let him talk and HEAR what he says. Things like this strengthen the family bond. Plus, it makes us all grateful for an all night sleep.

 

[klmall]

Have you done ANY research into what is waking him? If it continues, I'd be taking him to the pediatrician for a check and some advice.

Excellent point! Our 3 year old started getting into bed with us after being a sound sleeper. Long story short we found out that he was waking himself up due to sleep apnea and ended up needing a tonsillectomy and his adenoids out. If this is the case for your kid your pediatrician will be able to diagnose and send you on to the proper specialist. We were glad DS was waking us up because in small children, sleep apnea can cause permanent heart enlargement.

 

[ahutton]

That is awesome that he found a way to settle back down. I've been through this at different times with all 3 kids and at different ages. I suggest to them they focus their brain on something they love - like the castle at Disney World. Picture it, feel the sun warm your face and the breeze, smell the popcorn, hear the sounds of music from rides in the distance. When you focus your brain in on something relaxing (for me it is the EPCOT fountain and the John Tesh song) you stop the brain buzz and can fall asleep!