unwelcome hugs (girl friend to girl friend)

[MIGrandma]

Oh no. No no. We all need to learn it’s okay to set boundaries. Making yourself uncomfortable to make someone happy… gosh I’ve spent so much time over the years teaching my kids never to do that.

It’s really simple.
If you’re a hugger, “Can I give you a hug?” If the response is “no” then no harm no foul.
If you’re not a hugger, “I’m not a hugger but thank you for the thought.”

Oh good grief. Of course you have the right to teach your kids the way you want. Just as I have the right to my own opinion on the subject of hugging. And I stand by my opinion.

 

[wenrob]

Oh good grief. Of course you have the right to teach your kids the way you want. Just as I have the right to my own opinion on the subject of hugging. And I stand by my opinion.

I didn’t say anything about my “right” to teach my kids. You are free to your opinion but the OP asked for advice. Making yourself uncomfortable to make someone else happy is not good advice in my opinion. My point was that we teach our kids that and we as adults should learn to do that too.

 

[Moliphino]

Oh no. No no. We all need to learn it’s okay to set boundaries. Making yourself uncomfortable to make someone happy… gosh I’ve spent so much time over the years teaching my kids never to do that.

It’s really simple.
If you’re a hugger, “Can I give you a hug?” If the response is “no” then no harm no foul.
If you’re not a hugger, “I’m not a hugger but thank you for the thought.”

My sister gives my nephew the option to give "hugs or high fives" when they say their goodbyes. No forcing awkward hugs with relatives you see once or twice a year like I grew up with.

 

[Orion Nebula]

I feel like Mickey doesn't like hugging so many kids but he does so in order to avoid awkwardness. And considering he can't talk or change his expression there is no way for him to convey his feelings.

 

[PollyannaMom]

I love this specific advice:

If you’re a hugger, “Can I give you a hug?” If the response is “no” then no harm no foul.
If you’re not a hugger, “I’m not a hugger but thank you for the thought.”

But I think this part goes a little too far:

Making yourself uncomfortable to make someone else happy is not good advice in my opinion.

To be a happy, social adult, I actually need to compromise my perfect idea of "comfort" quite a lot, but I'm fully aware that others compromise theirs for me as well. - We meet in the middle of our comfort zones all the time.

Whether a particular person puts hugging into the "little things to compromise about" category or the "time to set boundaries" category is going to vary from person to person. Neither has to be wrong.

 

[aprilgail]

My sister gives my nephew the option to give "hugs or high fives" when they say their goodbyes. No forcing awkward hugs with relatives you see once or twice a year like I grew up with.

I always hated those hugs and kisses with relatives when I was a kid- always had the uncle who would kiss everyone on the lips- so gross! I was never a big huggie type person but now after covid I am happy with anyone that wants to give me a hug- so glad it is done with and we can go back to normal!

 

[morgan98]

To be a happy, social adult, I actually need to compromise my perfect idea of "comfort" quite a lot, but I'm fully aware that others compromise theirs for me as well. - We meet in the middle of our comfort zones all the time.

Whether a particular person puts hugging into the "little things to compromise about" category or the "time to set boundaries" category is going to vary from person to person. Neither has to be wrong.

I completely agree that life is about compromising and that we are often asked to step out of our comfort zone. However, I think the thing about hugs is that the neutral thing would be to just not do it, unless of course you are really sure that the person wants to be hugged. I would err on the side of caution and keep my hands to myself. It really isn't that hard.

Or if you really must hug - ask first. "It's been so long since I have seen you, do you mind if I give you a hug?" That gives people time to respond instead of just starting to hug.

And before people think I am a stick in the mud, I do hug close family and very close friends. My comments about apply to more casual acquaintances - like co-workers, neighbors, etc.

 

[Karin1984]

I have a different opinion on hugging. If a friend wants to hug why not let them? It takes 2-3 seconds and makes them happy. To me, if they are a friend it would be worth it to be uncomfortable for that teeny tiny amount of time.

What about the friend not caring / being oblivious to make me happy? It is about personal space and boundaries. If they are a friend they should be considerate about it as well, and true friendship survives with or without hugs.

Be honest, say you are not a hugger, do not hide behind Covid, cause that is moving the problem around.

 

[wenrob]

I love this specific advice:



But I think this part goes a little too far:


To be a happy, social adult, I actually need to compromise my perfect idea of "comfort" quite a lot, but I'm fully aware that others compromise theirs for me as well. - We meet in the middle of our comfort zones all the time.

Whether a particular person puts hugging into the "little things to compromise about" category or the "time to set boundaries" category is going to vary from person to person. Neither has to be wrong.

We’ll have to agree to disagree.

 

[MIGrandma]

I didn’t say anything about my “right” to teach my kids. You are free to your opinion but the OP asked for advice. Making yourself uncomfortable to make someone else happy is not good advice in my opinion. My point was that we teach our kids that and we as adults should learn to do that too.

No, we don’t all teach our kids that.

You say making yourself uncomfortable to make someone else comfortable is not good advice. I don’t agree with that at all. Life is full of compromises, at least for me anyway. It’s not all about me. That is the way we taught our children.

So you never ever do something for someone else that makes you uncomfortable? Gosh, I’ve done many uncomfortable things to make someone else comfortable. A simple 2-3 second hug falls into that category.

Now, if the hug is a little too personal, touchy-feely type hug from a perverted uncle or a friend‘s husband (just examples) then of course that is a whole different thing. But a friendly, kind, supportive hug from friend to friend? If I really hated hugging, yes I would suck it up and let her give me a hug.

 

[Heigh-Ho]

Making yourself uncomfortable to make someone else happy is not good advice in my opinion.

I think both viewpoints are okay.

We do compromise and sometimes are put in situations that make us uncomfortable but we do them anyways to make them happy. A lot of in-law stories fall into that don't they? That doesn't mean we always have to do it or that it's wrong to say 'no this time I won't' So I think to me the advice would be give and take, learn and know your absolute no's but be okay with other things. I'm not saying you have to accept a hug if that really is your absolute no but I don't know that we can really get away with saying never do something that makes you uncomfortable to make someone else happy. It's a hard topic because what makes one person uncomfortable doesn't to someone else.

A hug may be so easy to some and so hard to others but I think both sides can see that sometimes it's this and sometimes it's that. I think that's why I thought it was so harsh to people who are so obtuse need a wake up call because it was viewing it in such a negative way.

 

[wenrob]

No, we don’t all teach our kids that.

You say making yourself uncomfortable to make someone else comfortable is not good advice. I don’t agree with that at all. Life is full of compromises, at least for me anyway. It’s not all about me. That is the way we taught our children.

So you never ever do something for someone else that makes you uncomfortable? Gosh, I’ve done many uncomfortable things to make someone else comfortable. A simple 2-3 second hug falls into that category.

Now, if the hug is a little too personal, touchy-feely type hug from a perverted uncle or a friend‘s husband (just examples) then of course that is a whole different thing. But a friendly, kind, supportive hug from friend to friend? If I really hated hugging, yes I would suck it up and let her give me a hug.

Not when it comes to my personal space/autonomy, no, I don’t. And honestly once you let that happen with that person you’re kind of stuck doing it forever. It’s easier in the long run to be honest and say you’re not comfortable with it. If they are your friend they’ll understand. We will just have to agree to disagree.

The irony here is that I’m a hugger, lol.

 

[wenrob]

I think both viewpoints are okay.

We do compromise and sometimes are put in situations that make us uncomfortable but we do them anyways to make them happy. A lot of in-law stories fall into that don't they? That doesn't mean we always have to do it or that it's wrong to say 'no this time I won't' So I think to me the advice would be give and take, learn and know your absolute no's but be okay with other things. I'm not saying you have to accept a hug if that really is your absolute no but I don't know that we can really get away with saying never do something that makes you uncomfortable to make someone else happy. It's a hard topic because what makes one person uncomfortable doesn't to someone else.

A hug may be so easy to some and so hard to others but I think both sides can see that sometimes it's this and sometimes it's that. I think that's why I thought it was so harsh to people who are so obtuse need a wake up call because it was viewing it in such a negative way.

I suppose I should have worded it differently. I did not mean never do *anything* that makes you uncomfortable. I’m kind of lost on your last sentence.

 

[MIGrandma]

Not when it comes to my personal space/autonomy, no, I don’t. And honestly once you let that happen with that person you’re kind of stuck doing it forever. It’s easier in the long run to be honest and say you’re not comfortable with it. If they are your friend they’ll understand. We will just have to agree to disagree.

The irony here is that I’m a hugger, lol.

I’m a hugger too. And I definitely agree with agreeing to disagree.

 

[Heigh-Ho]

I’m kind of lost on your last sentence.

It's okay, I don't know where I was going with that either

 

[fla4fun]

I personally consider a hug to be a very intimate thing, that I only share with immediate family and a couple really, really close friends (the friends that are closer than family really). I do not hug casual friends, co-workers, and other acquaintances, and would feel beyond uncomfortable if they hugged me. Everyone is different, and we shouldn’t just assume that a hug or a kiss (even more intimate) is going to be welcome. Pre-Covid, a handshake was my alternate go-to in order to avoid the hug and I never encountered any issues by handling it that way.

 

[Heigh-Ho]

I personally consider a hug to be a very intimate thing, that I only share with immediate family and a couple really, really close friends (the friends that are closer than family really). I do not hug casual friends, co-workers, and other acquaintances, and would feel beyond uncomfortable if they hugged me. Everyone is different, and we shouldn’t just assume that a hug or a kiss (even more intimate) is going to be welcome. Pre-Covid, a handshake was my alternate go-to in order to avoid the hug and I never encountered any issues by handling it that way.

I see what you mean. I think a hug just to be a hug, like saying hello but doing it with a hug is one thing. What the author of the thread mentioned was the person who gave them the hug was aware of personal issues the author of the thread had so in that case the person who gave the hug may have been trying to be more personal about it (just to a person who didn't appreciate that closeness). In this case I think the only other thing would have been to give words of understanding/encouragement (because a handshake wouldn't have been the thing to do in my opinion here) though that sometimes to some people feels hollow. Like being told 'I'm sorry for your loss' some people get very tired of hearing that and it can be an unintended consequence of trying to convey sympathy or empathy. That's honestly why I try to look at the intent behind what people do and adjust accordingly. Of course people can be annoyed I just try to look at 'were they trying to be mean or were they trying to be well-intentioned?' I appreciate that the author of the thread put that the person who was giving them the hug was well-meaning.

 

[AndreaDM]

Ugh it is never ok to assume someone wants you to invade their personal space and touch their body in any way! I hug my partner, kids and grandkids, that's pretty much it! I rarely hug my siblings or even my best friends. And I find it super annoying when people use their heritage, etc. as an excuse! My MIL says, "o we're Italian, we hug!" and then comes toward me. She tells people, "Andrea is not a hugger but I hug her anyways" and then laughs. Not cool lady!

 

[fivikse]

I'm surprised by all these posts expecting people to just put up with being hugged. Invading someone's space and forcing physical contact is not just "discomfort" and is not okay. People who don't want to be hugged don't need to suck it up or justify it to anyone. I'm not sure why anyone thinks this is any different than telling people to deal with other forms of intimate physical contact just to make the other person happy. And this isn't really an agree to disagree situation. If you hug me without my consent, that is not okay in any way. Would we say to just agree to disagree about casual acquaintances forcing a kiss, grabbing your butt, or any other form of unwanted contact? To a non-hugger there may be little difference.

 

[morgan98]

Ugh it is never ok to assume someone wants you to invade their personal space and touch their body in any way! I hug my partner, kids and grandkids, that's pretty much it! I rarely hug my siblings or even my best friends. And I find it super annoying when people use their heritage, etc. as an excuse! My MIL says, "o we're Italian, we hug!" and then comes toward me. She tells people, "Andrea is not a hugger but I hug her anyways" and then laughs. Not cool lady!

Yeah, I agree with the heritage thing. I am Italian too - my mother was born and went to some school there and my husband has Italian citizenship. I have been to Italy probably 35 times, no exaggeration. Still does not make me a hugger.