unwelcome hugs (girl friend to girl friend)

[jdb in AZ]

A "friend" saw me recently and wanted to give me an encouraging hug because she knows more about my personal problems than I'd like. She kept touching my arm, shoulder, etc. Nothing sexual about it, I just don't feel like hugging everyone who thinks it will comfort me. There were too many other people around to just back away from her reach. Call me an introvert, or too full of social anxiety, but how do you handle a well-meaning acquaintance whose touch is cringe worthy?

 

[Breezy_Carol]

I think now, in the time of COVID, you can use that as an excuse. I went back to church recently and a friend wanted to hug me. I am just not comfortable so I just told her "I am not a hugger." Sometimes honesty is best.

 

[slo]

I’m a big hugger, but in COVID world it’s not something we huggers can do easily anymore and I respect that. If I see someone that I haven’t seen in awhile and I’d like to hug them I always ask. Most people say yes to the hug and other have said they aren’t hugging yet and that’s fine - I’m not offended.

If you’re not wanting hugs, just tell people you’re still keeping your distance with COVID - if someone can’t respect that then shame on them. I know this would be using COVID as an excuse, but who cares. If this is a way to make you more comfortable than I say go for it.

 

[MIGrandma]

I have a different opinion on hugging. If a friend wants to hug why not let them? It takes 2-3 seconds and makes them happy. To me, if they are a friend it would be worth it to be uncomfortable for that teeny tiny amount of time.

 

[starwart]

I have a different opinion on hugging. If a friend wants to hug why not let them? It takes 2-3 seconds and makes them happy. To me, if they are a friend it would be worth it to be uncomfortable for that teeny tiny amount of time.

Sometimes people don’t know or cannot say No hugs. My suggestion to huggers is perhaps let the other person initiate the hug. If they did not do the 1st move then to me that is a signal that they are most likely not comfortable getting hugs.

 

[morgan98]

This is a tough one, OP, but I get you. I am not a hugger at all. As a matter of fact, I am known for that in my circle because I have mentioned it in passing.

Something has to really be wrong for me to start giving or accepting hugs.

Just say you are not a hugger and move on.

 

[Lehuaann]

With Covid, I try to stand back and give facial/body language to not invade my personal space: fold/tuck my arms, hold my spouse’s arm, hug my handbag, don’t hug back. We live in the south, so hugs are a thing, especially at church. But I do try to be sensitive. So many have lost loved ones during the past year, including our family. I just don’t hug first.

However, when someone decides to become inappropriately familiar, I distance myself. Had an acquaintance/friend like that many years ago. There were already flags that irked me, but the straw was walking up and rubbing/scratching my heavily overdue belly in front of people I was conversing with. Whatever it was becoming (asserting dominance, attention), I cut off.

 

[design_mom]

I don't have any advice, OP. I generally just suck it up and accept the hug because it seems rude to reject a gesture that was clearly intended to be "nice," but like you, they make me uncomfortable.

 

[bdcp]

You have every right to not want someone in your personal space. Huggers who are offended need to take a step back and look at it from that perspective. I wasn't raised as a hugger in that we never hugged friends, but it's something I've learned to do. People think it means I'm cold or standoffish, and that is just not the case at all. Everyone is different. It's just as rude to force a hug on someone as it is to refuse it. Huggers don't see that usually.

 

[tzolkin]

My suggestion to huggers is perhaps let the other person initiate the hug. If they did not do the 1st move then to me that is a signal that they are most likely not comfortable getting hugs.

But maybe they have the same policy of always letting the other person initiate a hug.

This actually is an issue for me. I never want to overstep because I know many people don’t like hugs so I always hold back and then I wind up coming across and standoffish/reserved/cold. But in reality I’m a physical touch person. I grew up in a big Italian family with constant physical affection, so it’s in my nature but I don’t have the loud extrovert personality to go along with it.

I am always happy when other people initiate hugs. And of course once I know people well enough I know when it’s welcomed for me to initiate but I still usually try to let them make the first move.

With Covid there has definitely been more discussion and permission seeking around any physical contact. Usually a hesitation and an “are we doing hugs?” or “what are you comfortable with?” before leaving in.

 

[NMBCFangirl]

Nope. No way. No hugs except husband and close family here. I find making that clear saves a ton of awkward down the road as there is no way I am letting someone invade my personal space without my expressed okay. For me, everyone who knows me well enough it's not actually creepy if they try to hug me also knows I have OCD and knows well enough to not touch me without asking.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

My suggestion to huggers is perhaps let the other person initiate the hug. If they did not do the 1st move then to me that is a signal that they are most likely not comfortable getting hugs.

Not that I don't get what you're getting at but then you'd just have 2 people standing there waiting for the other to initiate the hug YKWIM? If both people are just waiting then you're just waiting. Maybe that works out but it can also be awkward too. Honestly right now and probably for a bit longer COVID is the perfect reasoning for your day to day situations. I'm sure an unintended consequence of the pandemic will be more of a "do we or don't we" but still.

In the OP though it was a gesture intended to give comfort, it wasn't about "hey haven't see ya in a while how ya been {hugs}" and changes, at least IMO, the conversation. If you're close to the person you'd probably know that even in times of comfort physical touching isn't wanted, but if you're not that close it's pretty normal and even in the times of COVID people just want to extend that (advisable or not) so I'd be more lenient in that case.

 

[blana]

Honestly, I just tell them. "I appreciate the sentiment behind it, but I really don't want to be touched right now." Most people have figured out that unless you're in my closest circle, I'm not overly receptive to hugs or touches. Some even tease me with "If I thought you'd appreciate it, I'd give you a hug now, but I won't."

 

[Moliphino]

If you don't know someone well enough to know if they'd like a hug then just don't hug them. I'm not a hugger. I can deal with hugging close family, but with anyone else it's just super awkward and I'd really rather not.

 

[disykat]

You do NOT EVER have to apologize for choosing not to hug. It is your choice when to let people in to your personal space. Simply step back and say no thank you to the hug. I agree that saying "I'm not a hugger" can soften the message a bit for peiple who are insistent, but honestly feel that people that are obtuse enough not to realize some people don't hug readily need a bit of a wake up call. Learning to "read the room" is a really important social skill.

 

[evilmommie]

I just say “air hugs” only. Give a laugh and move on. I love getting and giving hugs to certain people but not all. Keep your boundaries drawn as no one will do that for you.

 

[Heigh-Ho]

people that are obtuse enough not to realize some people don't hug readily needs a bit of a wake up call.

That's a bit rude don't you think?

I guess I don't assume the worst out of people

 

[Heigh-Ho]

To people you don't really know a quick 'oh I'm not a hugger' should suffice and in the situation the author of the thread gave adding 'thank you for your kind thoughts' or something like that could be done.

I don't think people should embrace (no pun intended) an unwelcome hug but there's grace that can be used there. It's not just one side that needs to pick up on social skills (or cues).

 

[wenrob]

I have a different opinion on hugging. If a friend wants to hug why not let them? It takes 2-3 seconds and makes them happy. To me, if they are a friend it would be worth it to be uncomfortable for that teeny tiny amount of time.

Oh no. No no. We all need to learn it’s okay to set boundaries. Making yourself uncomfortable to make someone happy… gosh I’ve spent so much time over the years teaching my kids never to do that.

It’s really simple.
If you’re a hugger, “Can I give you a hug?” If the response is “no” then no harm no foul.
If you’re not a hugger, “I’m not a hugger but thank you for the thought.”

 

[White Cat]

A "friend" saw me recently and wanted to give me an encouraging hug because she knows more about my personal problems than I'd like. She kept touching my arm, shoulder, etc. Nothing sexual about it, I just don't feel like hugging everyone who thinks it will comfort me. There were too many other people around to just back away from her reach. Call me an introvert, or too full of social anxiety, but how do you handle a well-meaning acquaintance whose touch is cringe worthy?

I would just ask them not to touch me.