Under-achievers....

[Buckalew11]

One of those was me. I am not a learn by the book person, at all. This is the best example I can give. I got a D- or F in almost every math class I was in. I got taken out of pre-algebra and placed in the lowest math you can take, in 11th grade. My guidance counselor told me to not even consider college, there was no way I was getting in. It was horrible.

What is my job today? I am an accountant. I run the accounts payable AND the payroll departments in my company of 150 employees. I learned by doing. So much for flunking out of math and no college education.

That was my mom. She didn't care for school at all (except PE class, lol) but she got into accounting and LOVED it. I still think she'd say she hates math but loved everything about accounting.

 

[OceanAnnie]

Marcy, it sounds like so much stress and frustration. I'm sorry for what you and your DS are going through.

I would work on two things. One, I'd start building time for the two of you to just reconnect without the stress. Take a daily walk together for half and hour or so, work a puzzle together, something that has lots of room for conversation. I know, "15" and he may balk. Find something you two can enjoy together. Second, I'd help him work up a plan for success. You said your DS is very bright, define and attack the areas that are holding him back. Help him devise an action plan. And even though it may not be a popular opinion, I'd check with him routinely and make sure he is seeing it through. You shouldn't have to, but he has proven that he isn't following through. I'd attach some sort of reward and consequence for follow through until it was internalized. Some of it may be your DS needs to develop habits for success. He has shown he isn't going to get there on his own. IMO he needs a plan, and help to bridge the gaps.

 

[luvsJack]

I hope you understand that I love my son and I realize that it could be 100 times worse, but it's been a LONG year, full of disappointments. I'm tired. I've cared more about his grades/school work than he has. He may not be one to love school but it's a requirement so he'll have to find a way to get through it. Life is full of situations that we don't like, but we have to deal with them.

I do try so hard to see the wonderful things that he does, and it brings happiness until the next major disaster. The problem is, he continues to repeat the same behaviors over and over and over. He's so sorry, and then BAM!, another F or zero. Discussions turn to fights in an instant, and there is no reasoning with him.

I consider myself a good, involved parent. I know my DH and I raised him (and his brother) well. I feel guilty for being so disappointed in him, but I have no idea how to NOT feel disappointed when I just want so much more for him (and I know he's completely able to do more for himself!)!?

I understand because I have been there. But the thing I have learned was that no matter how bad my son seemed to be screwing up, he always needed to know that I still loved him and still was proud that he was my son.

I learned that while doing well in high school can be important, if they don't do well it doesn't set their future in stone as a failure.

And the biggest thing I learned was that you cannot make them care. The things that are important to you just may not be important to your child and there just isn't much you can do to change that.

 

[PrincessBelle09]

Do not worry about this too much. You are doing the best you can to keep him motivated and you can only do so much. Education and achievement has to be something he is interested in.

It might be worth while to have a serious talk with him about how his grades will impact his future. Help him figure out what he might want to do with his life. Most careers that kids want to go into require at least a college degree and he needs to see that. Pull up some entry-level job postings in his preferred field.

Showing him how much it will cost to live on his own might help as well. Add up rent/mortgage, utilities, insurance, food, clothing, entertainment, kids, investing in retirement, savings, cars, etc. If at all possible, he needs a job. If not a job, perhaps you could have him pay for some of his basic expenses by earning money through chores. Have him track his expenses in a written budget. Then show him what you are paying for his upkeep aside from that. I personally think that for the under-achiever types, there is no better incentive than the realization that mom and dad are not going to be footing the bill forever and that they are going to be grown-ups in just a few short years.

Edit: I second what folks are saying about the stress-free bonding time. =)

 

[tommya60]

Hmm, if your son is doing the work and can't keep track of it between home and class, having trouble keeping track of assignments, etc you might consider screening for executive function disorder. It makes all of these tasks nearly impossible, and there is help avaliable. Check with your school or school district for more information/testing/help. Oh course, it also could just be lack of motivation, but it would be good to rule it out.

Good luck to you and your son ((((hugs))))

 

[PrincessBelle09]

One more thing...If it is possible in your circumstances, have you considered homeschooling him? If the issue is that a traditional setting is not working for him or he is bored, homeschooling could definitely work. Since the actual problem seems unclear at the point, it may also give you the opportunity to figure out what is going on with him and how to help him learn.

 

[DISdreamin']

I'm not trying to start a fight here, but I'm really intrigued by the people who posted from the school-hater side of the fence. You've said that you found your niche and are doing well, but do you think you've become achievers? Do your families think that you've turned around? Or have you just kept your low standards and your families have accepted it because it's unchangeable?

I'm one of the ones that really disliked high school. I totally slacked off - grades weren't great at all, not interested, argued with teachers, had to be pulled from one teachers class (he asked us to choose a poem and write an essay about what it meant to us, and then had the unmitigated gall to tell me I was wrong...when he asked for *my* opinion )....and decided not to go to college once I escaped HS. Worked and played for a few years then decided one day that I wanted to go to college...NOW.

Went to the local community college, then transfered to a state school. Paid my way and did okay, but not great - GPA of 2.9 or so. Finished and decided...what the heck, why not try grad school?! Took the GRE and scored in the 87th, 92nd and 98th percentiles (didn't miss any questions on one portion). Got into grad school and finished the graduate coursework for my degree with a 3.95 GPA.

I was a first-generation college student and darn proud of it. I am employed in a field directly related to my degree and I love what I am doing. I make a reasonably good living (and honestly more than I ever could have conceived of when I started college), and I would hazard a guess that my family considers me an achiever. Heck, 11 years of college ought to qualify me for something besides the looney bin!

So just because someone doesn't prosper in high school doesn't mean they are doomed. It means down the road they have some work to do *if* they want to go to college, but anything is possible. I'm living proof!

 

[disykat]

I hated high school. I hated the people and hated the strict structure. I was bored. I barely made it through. It was another story when I got to college. I was free to take what I liked (for the most part) and could even get up an go to the bathroom when I wanted to! I got straight As. I did become a SAHM for a few years, but I am now about to graduate in December (after I student teach). I have a 3.8 GPA and am in the honor society. Anyway, "underachieving" isn't a death sentence. My parents are educated and successful. I just didn't like high school!

For some reason I found the fact that you're going into teaching hilarious after this statement. I've always thought one of the biggest challenges of teaching was not being able to go to the bathroom when I wanted!