Ugh! Why does my FIL do this?

[simba20]

Most people have a meddling mother-in-law that they dislike. My issue is my father-in-law.

This man is my husband's step-father. He and my mother-in-law married in 1998. I have been in my husband's family longer than this man has (husbter and I met in 1994). Needless to say, this man is not my husband's father, didn't raise him, or anything like that.

Now my husband is a mama's boy to some extent. Not in the bad, needs approval from Mommy for everything kind of thing, but always looks out for his mom, calls her every week (sometimes 2x a week just to say hi), sends her cards, buys her gifts -- however we learned a few Christmases ago that according to FIL, my husband must buy his mom an present at Christmas just for her. From mother to son...same thing with birthday cards we can't send a joint card, there must be one from son to mother.

Anyway, my MIL was supposed to have surgery done next week. A minor procedure which the doctor said would take 15-20 minutes. Anyway, she went this week to have pre-op stuff done and when her results came back the doctor could not do the surgery.

So my FIL calls me today (3 TIMES!!!! I was out running errands) under the guise that he has an interesting book he wants to tell me about. So he tells me about the book, and then tells me why MIL is not having the surgery.

Now here's what irks me and I am torn about it. MIL's white blood cell count came back extremely high and her platlet count was very low. So now she has an appointment next week to see an oncologist that deals with blood stuff (like my technical terms?) to find out what is causing it.

FIL tells me all of this, but tells me that I AM NOT TO TELL MY HUSBAND this at all. I am of the "I'll wait it out to see what is found, so we know if it is serious or not." but I don;t keep secrets from my husband, and I just find the idea of keeping stuff from him, espcially about his own mother just wrong.

However, my husband's father -- FIL2 I call him (yes, I had two FIL's) passed away in April from pancreatic cancer. FIL2 thought he had a heat attack in Jan, and then in March testing revealed cancer. At first they thought it was testicular, but then a week later determined it was pancreatic cancer. He passed away a month later, it was that far gone. Needless to say, hubster is still very sensitive to his dad's pasing (Father's Day was hard, FIL2's birthday just passed) and I know that hearing the news would shake him.

And FIL1 is very dramatic so they are already very somber and think that MIL may have cancer, cervical, lung, or something.......

I'm not really asking for advice. I am a "glass half full" kind of person, so I just sit and wait until I hear the news, but it really irks me that my FIL and MIL don't want to share this with the hubster -- in fact it wasn't MIL who told us about her upcoming surgery it was FIL who wispered it to us last weekend when we were visitng and MIL left the room.

Ugh. Just irked and fustrated. Thanks for letting me vent.

My husband is really neutral when it comes to FIL. FIL does irk him sometimes and this weekend the hubster was offended when he said that at their house he would not let our daughter (age 3) watch Dora because she picks up that "Mexican" language and she doesn't need to do that. DD was pretending to be a gate and was asking everyone who passed by to say the Spanish word for open in order to pass by. Pretty smart of her I may say.

 

[C.Ann]

DD's IL's are like this.. DD's DH is an only child and in their minds, they are sparing him from worrying over things that may be "nothing".. So they spare him that emotion and instead he ends up angry because they didn't tell him what was going on..

It's one of those "lose-lose" situations - but I think their hearts are in the right place.. Maybe so for your FIL too?

Hope everything turns out fine..

 

[Wishing on a star]

Is your MIL the one who is being secretive and private and wanting to keep this info from your DH (protect him from bad news)????

Sounds like MIL is probably the one calling the shots?
Not FIL.

Maybe this shouldn't be solely a FIL thread?

 

[shirleyb]

It sounds to me like maybe he just needed someone to talk to about it, but doesn't want to worry his wife or your DH.

 

[simba20]

Is your MIL the one who is being secretive and private and wanting to keep this info from your DH (protect him from bad news)????

Sounds like MIL is probably the one calling the shots?
Not FIL.

Maybe this shouldn't be solely a FIL thread?

Well I think MIL didn;t want to tell my husband about the procedure because it is some "embarressing womanly procedure" and my husband doesn't need to know about his mom's "girly bits"......however, I know all about MIL's "girly bits" because FIL had gone into great detail over time to tell me about problems/issues MIL is having. Should I really know that much intimate stuff about my MIL? Perhaps, if I was a nurse I could see offereing suggestions to help, but ummmmm.........

 

[Wishing on a star]

So, your point of view is that your husband and yourself should be kept completely in the dark?

 

[simba20]

It sounds to me like maybe he just needed someone to talk to about it, but doesn't want to worry his wife or your DH.

He did tell me thanks for listening and that he HAD to tell someone, but it's more of the "MIL may have something serious" but we won't tell her son kind of thing.

 

[simba20]

So, your point of view is that your husband and yourself should be kept completely in the dark?

No. I think the hubster should be told. If the information is shared with me, then I should not be told "Now, don't tell the hubster about this." And I understand that with the hubster losing his father this April, that any mention of cancer would scare him. The best course would have been for them to find out what is wrong and then decide if/when they want to tell us. Not seperate us.

FIL has done this kind of thing before -- shared info with me and told me not to tell my husband. Usually it is minor stuff, and I do tell the hubster because I don't keep secrets.

However, in this situation I feel stuck. Yes, i feel the hubster should be told, but I understand about previous circumstanes which would likely scare the hubster. I also feel, though, that this is not my information to tell.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

In my family we talk things to death so if you tell someone something, you can count on people in the family knowing about it right away.

So of course I would tell my dh because we don't operate that way.

Hopefully you get good news or they caught something early.

 

[MaryAnnDVC]

Most people have a meddling mother-in-law that they dislike. My issue is my father-in-law.

This man is my husband's step-father. He and my mother-in-law married in 1998. I have been in my husband's family longer than this man has (husbter and I met in 1994). Needless to say, this man is not my husband's father, didn't raise him, or anything like that.

Now my husband is a mama's boy to some extent. Not in the bad, needs approval from Mommy for everything kind of thing, but always looks out for his mom, calls her every week (sometimes 2x a week just to say hi), sends her cards, buys her gifts -- however we learned a few Christmases ago that according to FIL, my husband must buy his mom an present at Christmas just for her. From mother to son...same thing with birthday cards we can't send a joint card, there must be one from son to mother.

Anyway, my MIL was supposed to have surgery done next week. A minor procedure which the doctor said would take 15-20 minutes. Anyway, she went this week to have pre-op stuff done and when her results came back the doctor could not do the surgery.

So my FIL calls me today (3 TIMES!!!! I was out running errands) under the guise that he has an interesting book he wants to tell me about. So he tells me about the book, and then tells me why MIL is not having the surgery.

Now here's what irks me and I am torn about it. MIL's white blood cell count came back extremely high and her platlet count was very low. So now she has an appointment next week to see an oncologist that deals with blood stuff (like my technical terms?) to find out what is causing it.

FIL tells me all of this, but tells me that I AM NOT TO TELL MY HUSBAND this at all. I am of the "I'll wait it out to see what is found, so we know if it is serious or not." but I don;t keep secrets from my husband, and I just find the idea of keeping stuff from him, espcially about his own mother just wrong.

However, my husband's father -- FIL2 I call him (yes, I had two FIL's) passed away in April from pancreatic cancer. FIL2 thought he had a heat attack in Jan, and then in March testing revealed cancer. At first they thought it was testicular, but then a week later determined it was pancreatic cancer. He passed away a month later, it was that far gone. Needless to say, hubster is still very sensitive to his dad's pasing (Father's Day was hard, FIL2's birthday just passed) and I know that hearing the news would shake him.

And FIL1 is very dramatic so they are already very somber and think that MIL may have cancer, cervical, lung, or something.......

I'm not really asking for advice. I am a "glass half full" kind of person, so I just sit and wait until I hear the news, but it really irks me that my FIL and MIL don't want to share this with the hubster -- in fact it wasn't MIL who told us about her upcoming surgery it was FIL who wispered it to us last weekend when we were visitng and MIL left the room.

Ugh. Just irked and fustrated. Thanks for letting me vent.

My husband is really neutral when it comes to FIL. FIL does irk him sometimes and this weekend the hubster was offended when he said that at their house he would not let our daughter (age 3) watch Dora because she picks up that "Mexican" language and she doesn't need to do that. DD was pretending to be a gate and was asking everyone who passed by to say the Spanish word for open in order to pass by. Pretty smart of her I may say.

Rule #1.

Not sure what the big deal is. If your FIL tells you not to tell "the hubster", you tell your FIL you don't keep secrets from your DH, especially when it concerns his mother and her health, whether it involves her "girly bits" (ick) or not.

Hope your MIL is OK tho.

 

[wdwfan16]

I think your MIL is trying to keep this a secret and your FIL1 thinks you and your DH need to know. This is his way of doing it and still honoring his wife's wishes.

As far a a MIL and her parts, I would want to know the details. It could run in families and I would want to know. Also DH would not want the details but he would want me to have them and then tell him what I now he would want to hear.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Rule #1.

Not sure what the big deal is. If your FIL tells you not to tell "the hubster", you tell your FIL you don't keep secrets from your DH, especially when it concerns his mother and her health, whether it involves her "girly bits" (ick) or not.

Hope your MIL is OK tho.

Agreed!
No personal secrets (about his mother no less) from your husband.
Easily communicated....

"Anything you tell me, I will tell him.... We keep no secrets in our marriage"

Repeat as necessary.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Oh I forgot to answer "why your FIL does this".

It is because you do not go and call up your MIL and DH right away to blab away. Because if you were like my family, you keep your trap shut otherwise you are discussed.

If you were to call up your MIL and tell her that you know because of FIL, he will never do this to you again.

 

[sbell111]

Rule #1.

Not sure what the big deal is. If your FIL tells you not to tell "the hubster", you tell your FIL you don't keep secrets from your DH, especially when it concerns his mother and her health, whether it involves her "girly bits" (ick) or not.

Hope your MIL is OK tho.

 

[okeydokey]

I would never keep this from my DH and if my FIL asked me to, I'd have to tell him not to tell me something about MIL's health and expect me to keep it to myself.