Ugh... my mother.

[MomRN]

I know there are those out there that feel you should love your parents no matter what. If so, you probably should stop reading now.

Let's preface this by saying I haven't lived with my mom since I was 16. I worked full-time and had my own apartment as a junior in high school. I didn't have a car for a portion of that time, but would typically get rides from my friends, or have the school bus drop me off at work. Sometimes I would walk the couple of miles to get there. In those rare occassions I called my mom, she would charge me gas money... even though she was getting child support and I was not living there.

The amount of money she stole from me through the years is crazy. I'm talking from the ages of 6-16 when my dad or grandparents would give me an allowance. Once, my dad sent me home with my Nintendo (a Christmas gift from him) and she sold it. And let's just say it wasn't to keep the lights on or put food on the table.

Up until the time my son was born I kept in limited contact with her. After he was born I felt the need to protect him and our "visits" occurred about once a year. However, after my paternal grandmother died I found several letters from my dad and mom that essentially made me hate my mother. I've never liked her... now I just can't stand to even talk to her.

So I haven't. I've been avoiding her phone calls for months. She only calls when she wants something anyway. I'm not missing out on a loving mother-daughter relationship. Not even sure what one is.

So today, my dad calls with a warning... that my mom called him. Got her number through one of ex-girlfriends. Keep in mind my mom and dad have been divorced 27 years. So, maybe it's because she's worried about me... or so I'd like to think. No, she wants to borrow some money from me, but since she can't get ahold of me... does he have any money she can borrow?

I just can't believe some people. And I'd love to kiss the inventor of caller ID right now.

Rant over. Thanks for listening.

 

[disykat]

I'm so sorry!

 

[hereyago]

I'm sorry. You know, people who have kids should have a license to do so first.

 

[Reddy]

I wish you could had lived with your dad growing up
keep the phone ID on

 

[rie'smom]

I'm sorry.

 

[java]

I understand.

 

[Liberty Belle]

I'm so sorry.

I'm almost positive if I were in your shoes, she'd no longer be my mother...at all. I would tell her I want nothing else to do with her, no contact, nothing. And then if she came to your place or managed to get through to you on the phone, I'd act like I didn't know who she was.

 

[Hannathy]

Just consider it further confirmation you were right to stop talking to her.


sorry for what you have gone through but don't think I'd have much to do with my Dad either if he let you live like you had to as a teen. Glad things turned out OK for you.

I do think I might have a drink some night and when she called asking for money answer it and either just laugh hysterically into the phone or tell her all the things I've wanted to for years, could be quite therapeutic and cleansing

 

[hereyago]

I do think I might have a drink some night and when she called asking for money answer it and either just laugh hysterically into the phone or tell her all the things I've wanted to for years, could be quite therapeutic and cleansing

One thing about a little drinky drink, it doesn't inhibit, it's like truth serum. OP, do the above and let it rip.

 

[AndreaDM]

I have had to cut some family members out of my life as well. Just because you share DNA with someone doesn't make them family as far as I'm concerned.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

You know, I am my sister's sounding board right now for her situation she is facing with her husband's family. I am keeping her sane and on track at the moment....

As far as your situation, can you depersonalize her? Call her by her first name.

Or while this may not be PC, it helps my sister greatly to call her SIL "ding-dong".

While caller ID is nice, blocking her number will help you if you are able to do that. My sister blocked "ding-dong" and while I did not think it was going to do much, it relieved a lot of anxiety for her.

In other words find "little ways" to take away your "mother's" power over you. There may be other "little" things you could do as well.

Now granted my sister is in an intense situation at the moment but I thought I would offer my observation.

 

[MomRN]

sorry for what you have gone through but don't think I'd have much to do with my Dad either if he let you live like you had to as a teen. Glad things turned out OK for you.

Well, dad is dad. He was never up for father of the year award, but he did fight for custody of me (that was one of those realizations that came out in the letters... after years of hearing my father never wanted me). By the time I was a teenager he was in an environment that wouldn't have been great either, so he's the one that encouraged my mom to let me move out. Basically he said he'd still pay her if she would just let me go, and she was fine with it. Dad drank, but never drank around me. Probably did other things also, but I'd never know. He's pretty proud of the way I grew up all things considering.

Anyway, thanks for listening. I've thought about giving her a piece of my mind, but it's just maddening talking to her. She honestly doesn't get it. The last few times we talked she made mentioning of those things she did were in the past, she's different, blahblahblah, etc.

Maddening I tell you. I'm sure she has a mental illness, maybe a few, and I really do wish her the best, as long as the best doesn't involve me and my son.

 

[MomRN]

As far as your situation, can you depersonalize her? Call her by her first name.

While caller ID is nice, blocking her number will help you if you are able to do that. My sister blocked "ding-dong" and while I did not think it was going to do much, it relieved a lot of anxiety for her.

Great suggestions

See, who needs psychologists with a board as great as this?

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Great suggestions

See, who needs psychologists with a board as great as this?

Well good. You have to decide if you are ready to let her truly go. Only you can decide that.

Once you do, you will feel better. It won't "cure" anything but sometimes you get to a point where you are "ready".

Instead of creating the anxiety with her phone calls, block them and be done. Give yourself a break at least and see what happens. Consider it a vacation.

 

[beachlover9395]

MomRN, I'm sorry for what you're having to go through with your mother. I wouldn't have anything to do with her either if she had treated me that way.

Caller ID is awesome but just The Mystery Machine mentioned above, being able to block someone's call is wonderful! We bought a Panasonic phone that has the ability to block up to 25 numbers. It's great! I do wish Vonage would get it in gear and also have call block. I don't know why they don't offer it yet.

Hugs for what you're dealing with. I know it has to be very difficult.

 

[Nancyg56]

Oh Sweetie, I am so sorry.

 

[nmmom95]

I am sorry you are dealing with tis. Protecting your son from a toxic person like that was the best thing for both of you.

 

[smb6]

I have a similar relationship with my mother. Except I have not lived with her since I was about 5. I seen her here and there growing up; some years I seen her more often than others. As an adult; I seen her a few times a year and talked to her on the phone occasionally. A few years ago she moved closer to me; and now like you- she only calls when she needs something and it is frustrating since she has not really given anything to me since I was pre-school age. I agree- thank God for caller ID!
And BTW- I love my mother, I forgive her for her short-comings, and I truly believe she did the best she could.... She is mentally unstable and I don't hold it against her; but at the same time I can't let her "take from me" both financially and emotionally- so I limit our relationship very much so....

 

[shortbun]

Your're doing great, MomRN!!! You are very clear on what you need and want. Stick to your guns and enjoy your life. You deserve all happiness; don't let her mess with you. If she was truly different, she'd be sending you money, no strings attached, kwim? I hope your dad laughed at her. You are a self made woman!!! BRAVO!!!!!

 

[minkydog]

Well, dad is dad. He was never up for father of the year award, but he did fight for custody of me (that was one of those realizations that came out in the letters... after years of hearing my father never wanted me). By the time I was a teenager he was in an environment that wouldn't have been great either, so he's the one that encouraged my mom to let me move out. Basically he said he'd still pay her if she would just let me go, and she was fine with it. Dad drank, but never drank around me. Probably did other things also, but I'd never know. He's pretty proud of the way I grew up all things considering.

Anyway, thanks for listening. I've thought about giving her a piece of my mind, but it's just maddening talking to her. She honestly doesn't get it. The last few times we talked she made mentioning of those things she did were in the past, she's different, blahblahblah, etc.

Maddening I tell you. I'm sure she has a mental illness, maybe a few, and I really do wish her the best, as long as the best doesn't involve me and my son.

You're probably right. There probably is some mental illness going on here. As much as you would probably love to tell her off, you know it won't change a thing. Just because she's your mother doesn't mean you have to have a relationship with her. Unfortunately, she will never be the mother you want her to be. Sometimes its in our best interest to let it go and move on. You have my sympathy.