Tucson Memorial Service

[skater]

We live in Northwest Tucson, less than ten miles from the intersection where the Safeway is located. We don't normally shop there, but have been in there a few times. Our youngest daughter drives through that intersection every Saturday morning on her way to teach dance classes at a local dance studio. Last Saturday, she arrived at that intersection approximately 45 minutes after the shootings took place. Along with other traffic, she was diverted to a route that took her behind the shopping plaza. She said she saw a lot of police and caution tape and knew something awful must have happened there, but she didn't find out how terrible it was until she got to the studio.

My husband received a phone call from Gabrielle Gifford's downtown office (as I'm sure many Tucsonans did) inviting him to attend Saturday's event. We briefly thought about heading up to it, but decided instead to take a walk around our neighborhood that morning. I still get chills thinking about how our morning might have turned out differently had we decided to attend.

Like you said, and I said earlier, surreal is a good way to describe what has happened here in Tucson.

We also get the "small town feel" living here. Which is odd, given that the city of Tucson is really quite large and spread out. The city has a very laid-back, easy-going vibe, and we have found the people to be very friendly and caring. We relocated to Tucson from New England and we immediately noticed how people here are much more willing to strike up a conversation with others.

No place is perfect, but I honestly think the state of Arizona and the people here have really taken a beating in the press this past year or so. And now, this awful tragedy in Tucson.

It is going to take a long time to heal from this, but I think last night's service at the McKale Center was a step in the right direction.

It sounds like this service was what many local people needed at this time - and there's nothing wrong with that. Maybe it should not have been called a Memorial Service. It seems it was somewhat disturbing to the rest of us.
You're right about Arizona taking a beating in the press. Thanks for giving your point of view!

 

[skater]

I find it a horrible. It's wonderful that the Congresswomen is improving, but I think that not the time to bring that up, when this families lost someone. After all this was a memorial service to remember those who had past, not to remember those are still alive. I didn't like the clapping I found that disrespectful

I think that's what bothered many of us - it didn't meet our expectations for a memorial service.

 

[eliza61]

Yes exactly. The audience sets the tone. But like I said before - we werent there and they may have needed this.

Exactly!! sorry guys but I think you are being pretty presumptuious. who are we to tell people how they should mourn or celebrate a tradgedy.

Personally I went to a beef and beer celebration of a 9/11 victim that was awesome. the victims parents did not want a sad solemn, drawn out cryfest. Their son was a happy celebration type of guy who hated funerals so they did not give him that.

Let people celebrate, remember and honor the victims in whatever way they see fit.

 

[eliza61]

My family is from Tucson. My dad and mom are U of A alum.

I know the city was torn by this- Tucson, just doesn't see this kind of craziness.

But the event was billed as a memorial service. I think the students/public/whoever took it a bit far with the cheering. To be fair- this also happened to Obama with the Ft. Hood memorial. People there were whooping and hollering when he came out as well.

I don't get it. Why can't people show the dead a little more respect?I do understand the need for healing and for moving forward. I totally get the cheers for the intern and the medical staff. But it still sat wrong with me (and it seems a lot of Americans feel this way) It's a shame. Tucson is wonderful- the people are wonderful. I'm sorry the circumstances made it look otherwise with this pep rally.

I don't get this. why can't people cheer for the lives of the dead? where is the rule that memorial services all have to be weepfest. would it have been better if the kids there ripped of their shirts and started beating themselves with vines and reeds like the people in the bible?

Note to my family: when I die, go to disneyworld and ride pirates a billion times. celebrate how I LIVED. have a party (including alcohol) for the great life I hope to have lived.

 

[luvflorida]

Wow, we just can't get a break, can we? Now Tucson is seen as not grieving properly.

I can totally understand, and respect, the differing views on what a memorial service should/shouldn't be.

However, I can see this thread going downhill fast. I am respectfully bowing out.

 

[Mermaid02]

Wow, we just can't get a break, can we? Now Tucson is seen as not grieving properly.

I can totally understand, and respect, the differing views on what a memorial service should/shouldn't be.

However, I can see this thread going downhill fast. I am respectfully bowing out.

I'm sorry you feel this way.

However, if one of my loved was killed last weekend and I went to this "memorial" service- I would have walked out.

 

[Kirby]

About 20 years ago, the minister of our church died of lung cancer. His family had a private graveside service and then had a public gathering to celebrate his life.

Maybe instead of calling it a memorial service, they should have call it a Celebration of Life service to celebrate the lives of those that died and also the ones that lived. In reflection, after listening to most of Obama's speech and while I didn't care for most of the outward expressions from the audience, the change of name would have been most fitting IMO.

 

[skater]

About 20 years ago, the minister of our church died of lung cancer. His family had a private graveside service and then had a public gathering to celebrate his life.

Maybe instead of calling it a memorial service, they should have call it a Celebration of Life service to celebrate the lives of those that died and also the ones that lived. In reflection, after listening to most of Obama's speech and while I didn't care for most of the outward expressions from the audience, the change of name would have been most fitting IMO.

I think you're right - its the expectations we have when we hear the word "memorial."

 

[skater]

Wow, we just can't get a break, can we? Now Tucson is seen as not grieving properly.

I can totally understand, and respect, the differing views on what a memorial service should/shouldn't be.

However, I can see this thread going downhill fast. I am respectfully bowing out.

I'm sorry. I never felt that judgemental. I was looking at that service as something for all of us - since it was televised to the nation. And again, my expectations were different. But I never meant to judge Tucson.

 

[Karibeth19]

But, even if it was a "Celebration of Life" type service...while I would expect enthusiastic applause, I think the kinds of whooping, hollering, whistling, and screams of "We love you!" (Which I heard directed towards the President.) would still have been inappropriate. It wasn't a rock concert, or a basketball game, or a political rally, but a memorial service, and even for an upbeat service, the cheering was over the top.

I don't believe it is a negative comment on the citizens of Tucson, but on the large number of students who were said to be in the audience. I think they were the ones mostly responsible, and I feel we are not teaching our children well. It's just my personal opinion, and maybe I'm old-fashioned, but I feel the art of proper decorum and behaving appropriately during certain situations is being lost in today's society, and it saddens me. I don't think graciousness should ever go out of style.

 

[eliza61]

But, even if it was a "Celebration of Life" type service...while I would expect enthusiastic applause, I think the kinds of whooping, hollering, whistling, and screams of "We love you!" (Which I heard directed towards the President.) would still have been inappropriate. It wasn't a rock concert, or a basketball game, or a political rally, but a memorial service, and even for an upbeat service, the cheering was over the top.

I don't believe it is a negative comment on the citizens of Tucson, but on the large number of students who were said to be in the audience. I think they were the ones mostly responsible, and I feel we are not teaching our children well. It's just my personal opinion, and maybe I'm old-fashioned, but I feel the art of proper decorum and behaving appropriately during certain situations is being lost in today's society, and it saddens me. I don't think graciousness should ever go out of style.

See I find that so interesting because I'm the exact opposite. I hate all these "rules" that says you must grieve a certain way, if you don't do XYZ then you must not feel a certain way. It's not proper decorum unless your draped in black and playing somber music? bleh

But then I hate funerals and think they in no way memoralize the person who died. they are simply for the living and a horrible waste of money. They never ever reflect how the person lived. They are simply a 10,000 dollar cryfest.

I can't begin to know how those families felt but maybe the students were really moved by all of the speakers words. Why shouldn't they cheer? All week long the only thing that's been in the news in negativity. Then finally you go to a memorial and the speakers are focusing POSITIVELY on not only how great the deceased were but how great the heroes acted and how we can honor the victims while living. Why shouldn't they clap for that. I most certainly did in my bedroom while watching it.

Remember also this was not the funeral.
sure maybe some of the things yelled out were inappropriate but hey you get 14000 people together for any thing and some one is going to do some thing rididculous but I thought it was a great way to hear some positive messages.

Whoop, holler and cheer on students!! I totally appreciate your Joie de vive.

 

[Mermaid02]

I understand the city needed to stop crying.... I understand they wanted to celebrate the heroes.... but selling tshirts at this event (or giving them away) is in poor taste to say the least. Cheering as they did was in poor taste. This was a memorial service for those who were killed that day- not a pep rally for anyone or anything.

My best friends father passed away suddenly in November, she gave the eulogy. It was heartfelt. At times I was bawling, at times I was chuckling but at no point did I holler out, whistle or clap.

 

[disneyjunkie]

I was watching the news this morning and learned that some reporters agree with most of the posters here. However, they went a bit futher than complaining about how some mourn. Some had a problem with the opening prayer. It seems the poor man didn't pray the right way.

 

[Jennasis]

Out of curiosity...any word from the actual victoms families about how THEY felt? I'm pretty sure none of them got up and left.

 

[Karibeth19]

See I find that so interesting because I'm the exact opposite. I hate all these "rules" that says you must grieve a certain way, if you don't do XYZ then you must not feel a certain way. It's not proper decorum unless your draped in black and playing somber music? bleh

But then I hate funerals and think they in no way memoralize the person who died. they are simply for the living and a horrible waste of money. They never ever reflect how the person lived. They are simply a 10,000 dollar cryfest.

I can't begin to know how those families felt but maybe the students were really moved by all of the speakers words. Why shouldn't they cheer? All week long the only thing that's been in the news in negativity. Then finally you go to a memorial and the speakers are focusing POSITIVELY on not only how great the deceased were but how great the heroes acted and how we can honor the victims while living. Why shouldn't they clap for that. I most certainly did in my bedroom while watching it.

Remember also this was not the funeral.
sure maybe some of the things yelled out were inappropriate but hey you get 14000 people together for any thing and some one is going to do some thing rididculous but I thought it was a great way to hear some positive messages.

Whoop, holler and cheer on students!! I totally appreciate your Joie de vive.

Manners are a sensitive awareness of the feelings of others. If you have that awareness, you have good manners, no matter which fork you use. ~Emily Post

The rules of etiquette are not there as some arbitrary form of oppression. They are there to provide us guidance on how to act and show proper respect and thoughtfulness to others. It's all about thinking of others, and making sure their thoughts and feelings are respected. It's not about me, or what makes me feel good, it's about other people, and what will make them feel good.

I, too, appreciated the positive message of the service, and believed that it was needed after a week of sadness, and also divisiveness. And, of course we should celebrate those who were so heroic and the lives of those lost. But, ultimately, it was called a memorial service for a reason, it was to memorialize those who were lost and injured in the tragic event, and provide hope and comfort to their loved ones. Although others in the audience may have been saddened by the event, and needed some way to express their emotions, ultimately, it was not about them. And, though there is no way of knowing unless they come out and tell us, how can we be sure that every time the audience cheered wildly, it wasn't like a knife in the heart of the loved ones of those who have no hope of recovery, who will never come home again? We don't know, so the best way to behave is in a manner that would avoid giving them additional pain, regardless of how good it would make us feel.

 

[Mermaid02]

I was watching the news this morning and learned that some reporters agree with most of the posters here. However, they went a bit futher than complaining about how some mourn. Some had a problem with the opening prayer. It seems the poor man didn't pray the right way.

I thought it was odd when he mentioned his heritage- other than as it pertained to the blessing. It wasn't about him. I don't think anyone got up there and gave their ancestry did they? Then the crowd cheered. Why?

 

[eliza61]

Manners are a sensitive awareness of the feelings of others. If you have that awareness, you have good manners, no matter which fork you use. ~Emily Post

The rules of etiquette are not there as some arbitrary form of oppression. They are there to provide us guidance on how to act and show proper respect and thoughtfulness to others. It's all about thinking of others, and making sure their thoughts and feelings are respected. It's not about me, or what makes me feel good, it's about other people, and what will make them feel good.

I, too, appreciated the positive message of the service, and believed that it was needed after a week of sadness, and also divisiveness. And, of course we should celebrate those who were so heroic and the lives of those lost. But, ultimately, it was called a memorial service for a reason, it was to memorialize those who were lost and injured in the tragic event, and provide hope and comfort to their loved ones. Although others in the audience may have been saddened by the event, and needed some way to express their emotions, ultimately, it was not about them. And, though there is no way of knowing unless they come out and tell us, how can we be sure that every time the audience cheered wildly, it wasn't like a knife in the heart of the loved ones of those who have no hope of recovery, who will never come home again? We don't know, so the best way to behave is in a manner that would avoid giving them additional pain, regardless of how good it would make us feel.

And there is the jist. You don't know if it cause them additional pain. for all we know they can be extremely proud of how their city is not wallowing in all the sadness and rising up again. So to say that they lack manners simply because they conducted themselve differently from how you would is wrong.

I believe the Judge was a graduate of both the University and the law school so maybe these kids did have an idea of how he would want them to celebrate. Evidently the Congresswoman's aide was also a very popular and regular person on the campus so maybe they thought this was exactly the type of reaction he would have enjoyed.

I just don't get how you can tell some one how they should respond to a tragedy that happen to them. How they should or should not be allowed to mourn their dead. And it was about them, it was their city.

and once again who dictates how a memorial should be conducted. I've been to memorials where they played guns & roses all night, played pool and drank. That was a more fitting memorial because that was a true celebration of the persons LIFE. those were the things he loved. Isn't a memorial supposed to reflect on the persons life?

So as a public service announcement, Disser, if you hear of my passing and want to memorialize me, Take your family to Disney, have a blue goose slushie (or 4) and ride Soarin and Pirates of the Caribbean over and over. LAUGH!! because that's what I live for and if some one says you are not showing proper respect or not respecting the deceased buy them a drink and say "obviously you did not know Eliza"

 

[Barbossa]

I thought it was a great event and a great speech. If I was a relative of a victim I would have appreciated the dedications and positive response.

 

[Karibeth19]

And there is the jist. You don't know if it cause them additional pain. for all we know they can be extremely proud of how their city is not wallowing in all the sadness and rising up again. So to say that they lack manners simply because they conducted themselve differently from how you would is wrong.

I believe the Judge was a graduate of both the University and the law school so maybe these kids did have an idea of how he would want them to celebrate. Evidently the Congresswoman's aide was also a very popular and regular person on the campus so maybe they thought this was exactly the type of reaction he would have enjoyed.

I just don't get how you can tell some one how they should respond to a tragedy that happen to them. How they should or should not be allowed to mourn their dead. And it was about them, it was their city.

and once again who dictates how a memorial should be conducted. I've been to memorials where they played guns & roses all night, played pool and drank. That was a more fitting memorial because that was a true celebration of the persons LIFE. those were the things he loved. Isn't a memorial supposed to reflect on the persons life?

So as a public service announcement, Disser, if you hear of my passing and want to memorialize me, Take your family to Disney, have a blue goose slushie (or 4) and ride Soarin and Pirates of the Caribbean over and over. LAUGH!! because that's what I live for and if some one says you are not showing proper respect or not respecting the deceased buy them a drink and say "obviously you did not know Eliza"

I'm not trying to tell people how to behave, I'm simply expressing my opinion, and my belief that people should stop to think about how their behavior is going to affect others before acting. If that's wrong, than so be it. We'll just have to agree to disagree.

ETA: I do love your idea for your own memorial, and personally, I would want my family to celebrate me in the same way (believe it or not!). But, if I died in some sort of mass killing, like a plane crash or act of terrorism, I would understand that kind of public memorial, while fine with me and maybe others, might be horribly offensive to the loved ones of others. And, there we go again with the same argument...while family A might have liked the memorial, family B and C might have been hurt...we just don't know. Shouldn't we be sensitive to everyone at a public event, and then celebrate the individuals privately, according to their wishes?

 

[jodifla]

I thought the cheering was a bit odd when I heard it on the TV.

But, in addition to all the tragedy, there were things to celebrate as well, including the congresswoman opening her eyes, all the acts of heroism, etc.

I thought the speech was good.

Maybe the term "memorial service" was off.