Trying not to be DISGUSTED with BIL!

[devotedchristian]

BIL (DH's brother) just got out of prison Christmas Day. Before he went to prison he didn't work, just let SIL take care of him...along with their 4 kids together.

We live in a different state and he would leave her house and come to our house and say HE was on "vacation" and just sit around on the couch watching tv and eat up everything all day. He is 32.

Well, now that he is out of prison, he is living with DH's other brother and sister. SIL said to me this morning she just dropped him off at MY house. DH said he may spend the night. He JUST spent the night last week. In fact, I told DH to please tell your Brother NOT to be in my kitchen cooking at MIDNIGHT!

He knows NO boundaries and I have to get DH to force them.

Just now, I found out he is at our house, I am just disgusted. He just rides around all day with my other BIL who is Self Employed but he IS working because he shares a 4 bedroom house with my SIL and her 2 kids.

He talked all that stuff about getting a job and his apartment (he's NEVER had his own apt.) when he was in prison and finally taking care of his wife and 4 kids. But now that he is out, he is doing nothing but going from BIL's house and back to OUR house expecting to be fed.

DH and BIL took him to a basketball game last week and DH sheepishly admitted he spent $30 on(Lazy) BIL. Okay, fine, I let that go.

DH also took him out to dinner the weekend before that. Hell, he hasn't take ME out to dinner in almost 2 years and I let THAT go.

I'm trying REALLY hard to be sympathetic. DH says he has a soft spot for BIL because he just got out of prison and he just wants to ease him back into Society.

Well, how long am I supposed to be patient? I don't see BIL making ANY kind of financial move AT ALL. He hasn't filled out 1 application since he got out. I know it won't be easy with a record but he's not even trying...just going from one house to the other with a child's expecations.

We work hard to keep a roof over our heads and food in our bellies. I'll be darned if I am going to take care of a Man-Child.

Do you know how I feel? Have you ever dealt with a Dead Beat InLaw, what did you do about it?

 

[WeirdEyes]

I have no advice, but good luck!

 

[Lyn5]

I am so sorry It sounds as if his family is enabling his behavior. It might be time for some tough love by your DH, if he is willing to do it.

 

[Shugardrawers]

I am all for convicted felons getting a second chance to be productive. The key word there is PRODUCTIVE. He's not even trying. I know he's his brother but your Dh needs to stop babying him and let him be a man. Why isn't he with his wife and children?? At this rate I figure he won't be a problem long because he'll be back in prison soon enough.

 

[joshsmom]

 

[rigs32]

And is there a reason you haven't put your foot down with your DH and told him that BIL is NOT allowed in the house until he makes some changes? Assuming you're on the title, you do have a say, especially if martial funds are being used to pamper him in ways you haven't seen in awhile.

When you go home, if BIL refuses to leave, tell DH that until he puts his foot down, you're gone too. It's the only way you're going to stop the enablement - at least to some degree.

 

[jonestavern]

yep, to all of the above
wow, you've been patient, bless you!
How about DH taking him to unemployment & going thru their job listings?
If he wants to do something for his brother, he could be doing something constructive--teaching him to fill out job aps, how to act in a job interview, driving him to job interviews,teaching him how to open his own bank account etc--
I think one of the keys here is trying to get yr DH to see there are great ways to help his brother & then there is enabling.
IMHO I would emphasize what constructive things he can do first!

Lots of luck!
Jean

 

[CajunDixie]

Time to ask your DH if he wants to be married to his brother or you. All your DH and his other brother is doing is becoming enablers. LazyBIL will see no reason to change his behavior if everyone steps in to take care of him. If your DH wants to help him then hand him the job classifieds and show him to the door. He has a wife and children to help support and needs to learn to be responsible.

 

[Alicnwondrln]

you are in a tough spot as you will be seen as a troublemaker or not being supportive
good luck but i agree with all the others
take a stand or it will never change also be prerpared that you might make a stand and it will do no good

 

[The Edgington's]

He sounds like my BIL only he's 25. He has an apartment that my in-laws pay for every month because it's better than having him at their house. They put gas in his car, buy him food and let him use their computer (all he does on it is go to nasy sites and chat rooms to meet girls). Then they complain about him to my DH and I. I love my in-laws they are great people but I don't know why they keep letting him walk all over them. He knows better than to ask us for money, we lent him money to buy a car when he was releaed from prison we'll never see it returned to us.

Good luck, I understand what you're feeling.