Trying not to be a mama bear, but...

[Northstar]

I actually prefer she pick them on talent. DD worked hard for her tryout, so being told it was by draw was kind of a smack.

Well, if you want to pursue it to help both the choir director and the kids in the future, why not tell the choir director how your DD is feeling (got no evaluation of her tryout performance, wonders if she was good or whether the director just wanted to avoid hurting feelings) and suggest that next time, she get an independent judge to listen to the tryouts and choose? (Maybe a music teacher from the junior high or high school).

Or at least suggest that, if there's going to be a draw, she should conduct it in front of the girls so they aren't left wondering where they stand. You know, write the names on bits of paper, put it in a box, have someone reach in and pull out names?

But eh. That's a lot of trouble for a small thing. If your DD is happy to sing and enjoy the choir, I'd forget about it.

 

[goofy4tink]

Teachers that have kids audition for something need to step up and make a choice. It isn't fair to just draw names out of a hat. Yes, the vast majority of girls may have been able to sing those solo parts, but there will always be those who will do it better than others..stage fright, nerves, etc.
I have a dd, now 17, who has been battling this for years. She is passed over for larger parts. And it really drives me nuts. I have heard the girls who get chosen sing..others have heard them sing..and we all can't figure out why they continue to get chosen. I have a feeling that it is a case of a true 'mama bear' at work here. Easier to just cast that particular mama bears girls and not have to deal with any nastiness.
The only problem is that there are a ton of girls who are starting to feel less than talented.
Yes, there is always going to be disappointment..especially when you are looking at acting or singing. You can only support your child and let them know that they are talented and to keep trying. I just told my dd last night that in the 'big picture of life' this just wasn't a big deal. I said that I did realize that in high school it does seem to be a huge deal, but in a few years, it just wasn't going to matter.
But man, that's a hard attitude for a teen-ager to adopt.

 

[disykat]

I'm another who thinks you are being unfair assuming that the teacher rigged the pick. If she did, this thread demonstrates pretty well why. Kids are obviously touchy about this. Parents want to feel their children have been treated fairly. Parents are certainly having lots of opinions here, can you imagine knowing 10 sets of parents and all their friends, internet buddies etc. are going to be disecting the decision?

I taught music one year. I had one incident with student and parental unhappiness over who I chose for soloists. Guess what grade?
5th.

OP, it's not unreasonable to want to be an advocate for your child. However, sometimes there are just circumstances that need to stand as a life lesson.

I don't think anyone here was nasty. Simply giving our take and helping you reign in your mamabear, which was what the OP asked for.

 

[allison443]

OP have you heard the other girls sing? Are they unqualified for the solos? Or is it just that basically everyone is qualified so the teacher used other criteria which left your dd without a solo?

My kids are much older and I have seen what you describe many times. Not so much where an unqualified kid gets the role/position/team spot above a qualified kid, but when all things are equal, other things come into play like who the parents are, who is the teacher's favorite, etc.

I'm sorry for your dd and hopefully she will stick with her singing and get a solo in the future.

 

[C.Ann]

That's my overall feeling and I never planned on doing any thing..

I think some here are jumping to the conclusion that you're going to race over to the school and beat the tar out of the teacher..

That's obviously not the case, but if there's no "drama" here, posters get bored so they create it on their own.. LOL..

.
Either way, let it go. Just be ticked off in your head- that's what I do- LOL

Appears to me that she is letting it go..

It's 5th grade choir, big deal.

Maybe not a "big deal" to you - but something this child really worked hard on and hoped to be chosen for.. It's a 5th grader - not some teenage boy whose entire world (and that of his parents as well) comes crashing down around him and to a screeching halt because he wasn't "chosen"' for the football team - after working soooo hard at it..

I have to agree w/ letting it go.

She is.. It was nothing more than a short vent - until other people (not you) decided to make it into something else..

I said I'm letting it go and not letting DD know my suspicions..

Well dang - where's the "drama" in that? Don't worry - others will create it "for" you..LOL..

 

[BCDisneyFanatic]

I think some here are jumping to the conclusion that you're going to race over to the school and beat the tar out of the teacher..

That's obviously not the case, but if there's no "drama" here, posters get bored so they create it on their own.. LOL..


Appears to me that she is letting it go..

With all due respect, C. Ann, she didn't say anything in her first post about 'letting it go'. The title of the thread is "Trying not to be a mama bear...". In my mind, a mama bear is someone who defends their child without caring about the repercussions, not someone who is 'letting it go'.

Castleview, I know how hard it is to sit back when you think your child might have been treated unfairly (especially if you believe it's because she's a 'good' kid who doesn't complain). However, I would try to give the teacher the benefit of the doubt on drawing the names. I'm sure she will get other opportunities to sing if she continues with choir.

 

[badblackpug]

I understand where the OP is coming from. I know she doesn't plan to make anything of the situation, she is just disappointed for her child. It's hard when you have a kid that works hard, but doesn't get a lot of recognition. I also understand the point about "pulling names out of a hat.' Her daughter worked hard, then was made to believe that the choice was random, and that her hard work was pointless. Anyway, it's a good lesson in being a gracious loser. Your daughter will eventually find her niche, just tell her to keep trying.

 

[hereyago]

Sorry, but I disagree with much of the advice here. Children, especially girls, need to know how to stand up for themselves. They need to learn how to read a situation and adapt to it. Otherwise, the quiet ones will get pushed around their whole lives in the attempt to be "nice" or "gracious."

If the chorus teacher prefers the high maintenance kids, and gives them the parts because of it, then IMO, you should teach your daughter how to make herself heard. Not necessarily to be obnoxious or "high maintenance" but to make sure that she doesn't get overlooked and pushed into the background. It's a life lesson to learn how to be assertive without being aggressive or "high maintenance." I've seen it happen in meetings and in courtrooms (I was a litigator) - the quiet, polite ones get steamrolled by the ones who talk louder and faster (if the judge or the person running the meeting allows it). So I and many of the smaller women had to learn how to talk louder and faster, and not just "be gracious."

I think it's wrong to teach girls to "work hard and it'll be rewarded" in situations in which that's clearly not the case.

Now, I don't mean that you should go complain, and I think your D should be gracious to the girls who got the solos. I mean that you should teach her these skills for the next time.

I do truly agree with you on how to be assertive without the aggressive. However, dont take this the wrong way, but the OP DD is in 5th grade, so how could she as a 5th grader go about without being obnoxious or sassy and still be "heard"? She can't tell the teacher the remark about picking names is insulting or unprofessional.

 

[castleview]

OP here, boy C Ann you were right that people assumed I'm driving straight to the school to scream at the teacher.

Anyway, even though I'm not doing anything about it, it does feel good to hear other people's view points. FWIW, I do think the teacher selected the kids (hopefully by talent and not who gives her flack - I'll give her the benefit of the doubt), but tried to make everyone feel good by saying she picked them out of a hat - which I don't think was necessary. Allison, I've only heard two of them sing and they have lovely voices; I can't speak for the others. I'd just prefer DD think she has to work harder than believe kids were randomly selected for this. Saying she "drew from a hat" is actually insulting for the kids that were selected.

Thanks for the answers everyone. It does feel good knowing that other poster's children have been through this and grown from it. That's all I want for DD.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I completely and TOTALLY agree with you Castleview....

It's really gotta say something when the parent-bashers even come after a poster like you...

How long will it be before your DD might be with a new (and hopefully better at this kind of thing) Chorus instructor????

 

[allison443]

I completely and TOTALLY agree with you Castleview....

It's really gotta say something when the parent-bashers even come after a poster like you...

How long will it be before your DD might be with a new (and hopefully better at this kind of thing) Chorus instructor????

Well, I didn't see any parent-bashing of the OP...most people said they wouldn't intervene or complain to the teacher, and in fact the OP said the same thing...so most posters agreed with the OP didn't they? Where do you see the parent-bashing that caused you to add the "rolling eyes"?

 

[pixie dust 112]

I'm sorry your daughter didn't get a part. It's always exciting to be one that gets a part and sad to be one that doesn't.

 

[luvsJack]

Only on the dis does NO parent ever think that anything was chosen unfairly or that a teacher made the wrong decision. Oh, but I am sure that is only when it doesn't concern YOUR child, right?

Guess what teachers do sometimes make choices as to what will make their life easier--as do many people in other professions. Sometimes it is just simply that the squeaky wheel gets the oil. High maintanence kids many times come from high mainatence parents so not choosing those kids would make the teacher's life doubly hard. The teacher couldn't make a decision so she possibly did what is easiest.

Probably 99% of you that are telling her she is paranoid and wrong for being upset, would feel the same way if it was your own child. Just because you choose not to say anything or do anything about it doesn't mean you don't feel it.

I have witnessed the same kind of thing with our show choir teacher.

 

[snykymom]

But who knows that she gave the parts to the so called "high maintenance" girls because of drama or it was random. You can't prove it. There are times when you should stand up for yourself, but this isn't one of them.

I do truly agree with you on how to be assertive without the aggressive. However, dont take this the wrong way, but the OP DD is in 5th grade, so how could she as a 5th grader go about without being obnoxious or sassy and still be "heard"? She can't tell the teacher the remark about picking names is insulting or unprofessional.

OK, I wasn't talking about what to do about this particular audition or concert. I was talking about teaching your child to adapt to the needs of the situation in general. If the teacher is one that believes that "the squeaky wheel gets the grease," then teach your child to recognize it, and learn to squeak. Not to get run over. For future behavior in the class. That's all.

 

[Disney Doll]

That's my overall feeling and I never planned on doing any thing. She's just at the beginning hormonal age where the girls start getting excited "OMG, I made it!!!!!!!" and hugging while others are quietly in pain - think cheerleading tryouts - so that was hard. I told her she's on the other side of the coin much of the time, so she can't get everything.

It was interesting that she was just as upset at the names being pulled out of a hat (whether teacher was being truthful or not). Honestly, I can talk to her about handling disappointment. But explaining why authority figures do confusing things isn't easy.

Because even authority figures are people who sometimes screw up a little bit.

 

[Rora]

It's best to learn to be gracious in these kind of situations at a young age.

This.

It's never easy on you or your child but it's a good lesson, regardless of the truth behind the teacher's statement. Unfortunately I think this happens a lot in the performance arts. I remember when I was in elementary school, there was a girl who got the solo EVERY YEAR in our Christmas pagent. She did have a good singing voice but that's not the point. She was pretentious (even then!) and her mother always helped out with the pagent, and would encourage our music teacher to keep giving her DD the solo's so she would keep helping out with the pagent.

s to you and your DD.