Too Sensitive 4yr old

[MotherofLandon]

This is a non-disney question but I was hoping for some advice from some other parents out there.

I am worried that my son is too sensitive and was wondering if anyone had any ideas as for how to get him to stand up for himself more. For example today at the park a smaller kid then him ran up to him on the swing and tried to steal his swing. When my ds wouldn't give it up the other kid pushed him off, stole his shoe and started hitting him in the head with it. Instead of fighting back he ran to me crying. We have to put him in daycare for the first time this fall and I am worried the other kids are going to pick on him and no one will be there to stand up for him. I know it's probably wrong but I told him to hit the kid back and he told me no because that's not nice. I'm not sure how to get him to stand up for himself, kids these days can be so mean. Any ideas???

 

[waltdisneyworlddreamer]

This really sounds like my second son. He is so soft spoken and quiet and so not aggressive. (just the complete opposite of my older son) He often lets kids in the church nursery just take things out of his hands (my older would have fought tooth and nail before he would let someone take something from him). I am also very concerned about him. He is going to start preschool in about a month and am very worried about how he will do. The dropping him off in the mornings I know will be a challenge. He wouldn't even cooperate with his eye exam. He would not talk at all to the dr. so they ended up having to dilate his eyes. I do not think you are wrong at all for telling your child to hit back. I have always told my children the same thing. I would never want them to start something, but they definitely have to take up for theirself. If their peers see that they are someone that is easily overrun then they will continue to do it, but if they stand up to others everyone will learn not to mess with them. How to get there is another thing!

 

[bluejaygirl]

I teach in a preschool where we take kids from 18 months to 5 years and I will say that we keep a close eye on things ( I hope all schools/daycares are the same) and do not allow a more aggressive child to dominate the quieter ones. While we can't tell the quieter ones to hit back , lol, we do encourage and help them to use their words and stick up for themselves.. " No, thats mine!" " my turn!" " I'm using it" " Dont push me!" We routinely return toys to kids that had one grabbed.

Personally, if I saw that happen to my kid on the playground, I would have no issue bringing my kid back over there and having him tell the child " no, I'm using it" and kindly asking the pushy one to vacate. ( at this point I cant imagine the other parent wouldnt call their kid off and speak to them, but hey, they let him hit your kid with a shoe).

Off the record, I have told my kids if they are being bullied and need to stick up for themselves, they have to do whatever it takes... and if someone hits them, they will never get in trouble with me for hitting back. My older DD was about 8 when she threw an ice chunk back at the kid who had been tormenting her for a few weeks.( throwing ice and calling her some mean names) Hit him in the face..it just left a small red mark, but he never bothered her again. Up to that point she had never tried to defend herself...some kids are just like that!

 

[tnkr_bell]

I kind of have the same problem with my ds. He is about to go into K, but has been going to pre-school for the past 3 years. Luckily the teachers there have worked with him on how to stand up for himself and to tell other kids no. Really I think the best we can do is to teach our kids what to say in certain circumstances, like pp said. Maybe do a little role playing with your ds so he can figure out what works best for him. Good luck!!!

 

[Manda]

Personally, in the story you described, it sounded like your kid did stand up for himself (said that he was using it) and then was attacked by a bully. He totally did the right thing by getting away from a crazy kid and going to his Mom. I would have been looking for the other kids Mom if a kid had started hitting my kid with a shoe. I don't care if he was smaller or not - your kid behaved normally and the other kid did not. That doesn't sound like an overly sensitive response to me. I'd probably cry if someone stole my shoe and hit me with it.

My little one is pretty sensitive, too, but I'm not worried about it and I'm not interested in changing that. It's who he is. He's been at day care since he was a baby and doesn't have any problems at all.

 

[Nanisashi]

Your son sounds like a sweetheart ! My dd4 was the same way, it would just break my heart. I kept encourgaing her to at least to tell the person loudly and firmly, "NO", "DONT DO THAT", "LEAVE ME ALONE", I would say just to keep trying to instill confidence in him and let him know that it is not ok for kids to treat him badly, but at the same time being careful not to make him feel bad for not standing up for himself. What turned it around for my daughter was being in an activity (gymnastics), it really has given her confidence in every aspect. Maybe your son can try karate, I've heard that it really builds confidence and leadership in children. Good Luck

 

[Princess Roo]

I agree with Manda. In the situation you gave, I think your child handled it well and I would have intervened. I would have been concerned if your child had backed down before being pushed off the swing, but this child seems to have some serious bully issues!! Taking off his shoe and hitting someone with it?!?!?

I wouldn't worry too much about the daycare. If the teachers aren't looking out for the children, then you have him in the wrong place and should look elsewhere. Personally, I am going to teach my children that it is only OK to hit in true self-defense and focus on using words as Nanisashi suggested. Those will definitely work at daycare, because they will bring the teacher's attention if she happened to be missing what is going on. I realize that there are cases of a child repeatedly bullying another child and sometimes 'violence' has to be condoned, but it shouldn't be needed in an adult supervised environment.

 

[jakoky]

hi, my son was exactly the same way..i have 3 kids, and my oldest daughter is tough, no one could mess with her, and my youngest daughter was normal when it came to stuff like this, but my son was always my very sensitive, caring, non-aggressive one...i actually used to worry a lot about him, same as you...i remember when he started grade 1 he was hiding in the corner of the kitchen and begging me not to put pudding in his lunch...i couldnt figure out what was going on and finally he told me that one of the older boys in his class would either "take" the good stuff from his lunch or convince him to give it to him...it broke my heart that he was scared of this boy...well, my son is 14 today (HAPPY BIRTHDAY KOLE) and he has grown into a very confident, goofy kid....he doesnt get pushed around by people at all, but he is also liked by everyone, he is the kind of kid who has no enemies and more friends than most...the girls like him too, his personality is great....he is still the kid who likes everyone happy and he wants to please people, but he has learned how to fight his own battles now....Just keep enforcing them that no one should be able to take your stuff or hurt you, you have the right to tell them no....sharon
me, dh, dd-16-, ds-almost 14-, dd-11 1/2-
WDW-Dec 04-first disney experience for my DH, DD, DS, DD and first time at WDW for us all
DL-MAY 06-first time at DL for DH and kids , and my 9th(but the first 8 were all by the time i was about 13) so it was all new to me
COUNTDOWN IS ON....WE ARE GOING BACK TO DL SEPT 15-25!!!!!

 

[wrighter]

I would also like to add that just because this is what your DS did on this particular day doesn't mean it's what he would do on any other given day. I have seen my DS4 come crying to me when another child hit him, and I have seen him wrestle with a child much bigger than him who tried to take a ball away from him. I haven't been able to pinpoint why he acts different in different situations, but I'm beginning to think it has something to do with my presence. If I'm around he'll come a-runnin'. If he doesn't think I'm around or not looking he defends himself. Who knows! Just keep in mind that our children are capable of so many emotions, and there is still a lot of time for them to form their personalities. Hang in there!!!

 

[Tikicampers]

Hopefully, the daycare will police the kids to keep bullying from happening. As to what you can do, I would suggest role playing. Bullies look for the kids they know they can take. If your child walks and talks with confidence, it should make him less of a target.
As to telling him to hit back, I don't think it's a good idea. If he does it at school or daycare, he will be punished as much as the kid who hit first. Also, I know some people who have said that they know if their kid hit back the bully would stop. That may happen on occasion, but it is not the norm. The kids who are really truly bullies often have underlying issues, such as behavioral disorders. Your child will not be able to tell the difference, and if he hits a kid like that, he could get hurt very badly.

 

[ToInfinity]

We were also concerned about our DS when he first started Pre-K. He was/is a very sensitive child and I was concerned that other children would see this as a weakness and take advantage of him. It was so hard dropping him off that first week since we wouldn't be able to protect him and we had no idea how he would react since he really hadn't been in too many 'confrontational' situations.

Well let me tell you that your child may very well surprise you!! Our DS has really blossomed since going to school. His 'sensitivity' has not changed but his confidence in himself has grown significantly. The other posters are right, as long as the school system does their job, your child will not be constantly abused. There will be situations where he will challenged, but from the sound of it, he has the support at home (and hopefully he will also get it at school) and will only continue to grow to become a sensitive AND STRONG individual.

Good luck and be prepared to be pleasantly surprised!!

 

[disneymom3]

Personally, in the story you described, it sounded like your kid did stand up for himself (said that he was using it) and then was attacked by a bully. He totally did the right thing by getting away from a crazy kid and going to his Mom. I would have been looking for the other kids Mom if a kid had started hitting my kid with a shoe. I don't care if he was smaller or not - your kid behaved normally and the other kid did not. That doesn't sound like an overly sensitive response to me. I'd probably cry if someone stole my shoe and hit me with it.

My little one is pretty sensitive, too, but I'm not worried about it and I'm not interested in changing that. It's who he is. He's been at day care since he was a baby and doesn't have any problems at all.

Totally agree with this response! I would have been finding that other mom too and I don't care how offended she would be! We had a problem at soccer the other night. A friend of ours is the coach for our middle son's team and his younger son and mine are good friends, so we take on the job of watching him while his dad coaches. The other night a couple of other little boys joined in playing with the ball DS and friend had. That was perfectily fine, but then another boy came over and he tried to take control. He kept telling them he was biggest so he got to be boss. DS and he stood back to back and our DS is at least an inch taller than this kid. All the other little boys said so, and DS didn't even want to be in charge, he just wanted to play. Anyway, this little boy was a pill--taking the ball from everyone, kicking it away when they went to pick it up, getting between the other kids, you name it. At one point, he pushed our little friend down on the ground. Friend was telling him off--that he was mean and he didn't want to play with him anymore. The kid took the ball and threw it right at our little friend's face. THAT WAS IT. I went over and asked him where his mom and dad were and he pointed over to them. I said, "Well you need to go talk to them because you are being mean and you can't play over here anymore." He went away and we never heard another word from him. My question was WHERE were his parents--on another planet!?

Your little boy handled this fine! He is working to handle situations himself, but he still needs a grown up. Any daycare worth their salt is going to watch to give kids a chance to work things out verbally but then step in before things get out of hand.

 

[MotherofLandon]

Thank you everyone for your advice and support. I had been considering putting ds in Karate classes in the fall so that suggestion was especially helpful. It is good to know I am not the only one who is/has delt with this and your suggestions were really helpful so thanks again to everyone who responded.

 

[Traveliz]

Personally, in the story you described, it sounded like your kid did stand up for himself (said that he was using it) and then was attacked by a bully. He totally did the right thing by getting away from a crazy kid and going to his Mom. I would have been looking for the other kids Mom if a kid had started hitting my kid with a shoe. I don't care if he was smaller or not - your kid behaved normally and the other kid did not. That doesn't sound like an overly sensitive response to me. I'd probably cry if someone stole my shoe and hit me with it.

My little one is pretty sensitive, too, but I'm not worried about it and I'm not interested in changing that. It's who he is. He's been at day care since he was a baby and doesn't have any problems at all.

I agree - the age appropriate response of a 4 YEAR OLD is to attempt to use words and then get adult assistance. I do not think fighting back is an appropriate response and would in turn lead (possibly) the bullying behavior you want to avoid.

Liz

 

[ksumn1]

My DD (now 8) was , and still is very sensitive. She cries if she is reprimanded and if she feels someone is laughing at her. She tries soo hard to please that she gets really upset if she doesn't do things "good" enough. She's extrememly bright, funny and well liked at school. She is a little motherly toward the other children because she is the oldest out of my and my aunt's children. Not to mention she's 5" tall already. The tallest in her class. My biggest ally is her teacher. I always tell them at the beginning of the year to let me know if she ever has any issues socially that she may not want to tell us about. For example, last year she sent home a note that DD was being teased about her height and was crying after lunch. Her teacher did something cool. She started an "I'm special" exercise where every child had to state why they were special and why it was GOOD. DD said she was tall and could beat everybody at basketball, even the boys. I would have never known she was upset if it hadn't been for her teacher.


Just let his teacher know he's a little shy and sensitive and I'm sure they will make sure to the best of their ability that he is not excluded or pushed around. I agree that karate is a good idea. DD plays basketball and sofytball. Now she see that her height can actually be an advantage!!

 

[nessz79]

Personally, in the story you described, it sounded like your kid did stand up for himself (said that he was using it) and then was attacked by a bully. He totally did the right thing by getting away from a crazy kid and going to his Mom. I would have been looking for the other kids Mom if a kid had started hitting my kid with a shoe. I don't care if he was smaller or not - your kid behaved normally and the other kid did not. That doesn't sound like an overly sensitive response to me. I'd probably cry if someone stole my shoe and hit me with it.

Add me to the list of people who agree with this. My 4 year old son is also sensitive and he often lets kids push ahead of him in line. I think that at this age, the best response is 1) to accept him for who he is (sensitive)- if I'm always trying to correct his sensitivity, I think it makes it even worse; 2) If it's something major like described (good grief, hitting him w/ a shoe??) then I would have come right over and rescued my kid. If the mom was around I would have at least looked at her as I told her kid not to do that, etc. 3) if it's something minor (like pushing ahead in a line) I would tell him that next time he should try to say something. But if he doesn't, accept that this is who he is right now. I think with age they develop confidence. Also, accepting them being sensitive does not mean gushing all over them every time something's wrong. I think a calm response is best. If you don't think things are a big deal, the sensitive child will pick up on that and learn that not everything is scary and they'll learn to be calmer and therefore more confident.

Hope all this made sense! What also helped mine was having a tough younger brother...he's 18 months younger but he's made my older one learn how to stick up for himself at least at home.

 

[Doc CW]

I had been considering putting ds in Karate classes in the fall

My mom did that when me and my bro wouldnt stand up for ourselfs and karate really improved our confidence and helped us stand up for ourselfs and when my baby sister was born I told my mom we should put her in Karate (when shes older) so she doesnt have any self-confidence issues or being afraid to stand up for herself. I would definitely reccomend putting your ds in karate.